To wonder why my DH is downplaying my injury?

[RightYesButNo]

So yes, my DH and I have a good relationship; we communicate well, and I have a difficult chronic illness that we manage to get through by using a lot of humor to cope, which makes this all the more bizarre.

A few weeks ago, due to my illness, I fell and absolutely did it to my ankle. Tore one ligament, partially tore five more, have bone bruises and bone marrow edema (I didn’t even know what that was!). It had an almighty bruise that a nurse in A&E said was truly impressive. (I’m so proud.) It’s now in a cast, I’m having to use a wheelchair most of the time, and crutches. It’s been a pain in the arse. Which brings us to the bizarre thing.

Twice now, I’ve heard my husband telling colleagues on Zoom calls that I’ve just “twisted my ankle,” with sort of a tinkly laugh (can’t fucking believe I’m using that phrase). Erm, what? I tore a bunch of ligaments, and can’t even carry my own tea around the house. I’m still icing it three weeks later. I know I’ll never know unless I just ask him, but... I suppose I’m so saddened that maybe he’s finally embarrassed by having the “always sick wife” (shite, now I’m tearing up).

Any ideas why he’s downplaying it OR why it even bothers me, or do I have to get over myself and ask?

YABU - It’s probably nothing; maybe he just doesn’t want to share with colleagues and it shouldn’t bother you
YANBU - It does sound a little strange and would bother me; maybe he’s worn out from coping

My husband comes from a family of stiff-upper-lipped stoics who downplay all illnesses and injuries. If his head was hanging on by a thread he would say it just needed an Elastoplast and a bit of Savlon. When I had two slipped discs he told his parents I had “a bit of a sore neck.” However, in your case I just think your husband is thinking his colleagues don’t need to know your business, especially as he is so good the rest of the time.

As long as he’s caring towards you, I wouldn’t worry. Probably a mixture of embarrassment and protection.

when I'm speaking with colleagues, I minimise stuff that's wrong with me - let alone if I was speaking to them about a partner or family member.
Hope you're feeling better soon.

I would hate my DH to share any personal details about my health at all.

I think YABU. They're his colleagues, I doubt it would go into a full detailed list of what you've done to your ankle. Probably just easier to say you've twisted it.

IMO anything that isn't a broken ankle I would probably say twisted too when talking to people. If I was explaining to family I would say I twisted my family and as a result tore etc etc.

Please don't overthink this, OP. I'm sorry about your ankle

I'm really sorry your ankle's hurt so badly, that sounds awful. But as a layperson (and a bit of a stupid one when it comes to medical things) having an ankle you can't walk on would be a twisted ankle to me. To me twisted ankle sounds right - it's very hurt, swollen and you can't walk on it. I know medically I am wrong and it's much worse than that but "twisted ankle" kind of sums it up. Maybe he just doesn't want to give too much detailed private info to work colleagues, in the same way you'd say you'd had a tummy bug rather than you couldn't move from the toilet for 5 hours! Same kind of thing.

I tripped and broke my fibula just above the ankle. DH thought I was making a fuss but agreed to take me to A&E and he dropped me off and went to park. I hobbled in, eventually saw a doctor and was sent to walk to xray. As I walked back holding onto the wall in agony a nurse ran up to me with a wheelchair. Lots of apologies that they didn't realise I'd broken a bone.

The final insult was being told I was the worst person they'd ever seen on crutches but to be fair I was totally rubbish.

Hope you feel better soon.

I dont see the big deal. Sounds like he takes your long term illness with humour and grace, but maybe just making a lighthearted joke about you having something wrong with you again. YABU

Why do you feel you need people you don’t actually know to know the extent of your injuries?

Sorry you hurt your ankle.

Why do they need to know?

The important thing is how your husband is treating you, not sympathy from randoms who've been told how awful your injury is.

Is he taking care of things? Being kind and supportive to you? If so, great, that's how it should be. If not, do you think that's at the root of why you are cross?

@Pyewackect

Compassion fatigue.

Yes... Especially now. Life just generally sucks right now. Sometimes people don't want to add to it.

Hi Op - really sorry about your injury. It sounds horrible, must be very painful and make life very difficult for you. I think, as others have said, that he was minimising it on the call as he didn’t want to go into details and wanted to sound professional. Also sometimea, it’s difficult to cope with people’s reactions to bad news. One of my friend’s husbands had a really bad bike accident and in her first text about it, she really minimised it. I assumed that at worse he’d got some bad bruises. It turned out that he’d broken his spine, his ribs, his sternum and was lucky not to be paralysed and brain damaged. He’s recovered now.
I know, from personal experience, that it’s really tough living with chronic illness and the effect it has on your partner and family. There have been times when I’ve wanted to get ‘sorry’ tattooed on my forehead because I felt so bad that we were having to cancel holidays etc because of my health. The way I deal with it is to try as hard as possible with my health through diet, exercise and being proactive with drs to make sure I know I’m doing everything I can to make my body work as well as possible. It doesn’t always work but at least I know I’ve tried my very best. Sending big hugs and hope you heal up soon. Xx

The zoom thing honestly wouldn't bother me at all. The important thing is - is he being supportive generally? It doesn't matter if he's downplaying it to his colleagues. Is he being kind to you?

I find that the term "sprained" is correct for a properly injured ankle.

As someone up thread said, people sort of class things as broken (bad) or twisted (no biggy). Alas, torn ligaments can be the result of a twisted ankle (I know, I've just done mine too :( )

Yours has been casted though so it's a bad sprain, he needs to take it seriously but maybe he just doesnt talk about this stuff with his colleagues really.

You have all my sympathy op. I tore a ligament in my foot almost two years ago. We were on holiday and I had a massive bruise, swelling and couldn't walk properly or even bear to have my shoes on. Had it diagnosed a couple of weeks later and it's still not right. It's a major injury and an ankle sounds much worse.

I just think people don't understand soft injury damage as well as they do a broken bone.

I can understand why you're upset with your husband though. It makes you feel that he thinks you're making a big fuss about nothing and no one appreciates that when they are injured and in pain.

I heard my husband telling his work colleagues that I had set myself on fire while cooking dinner the previous evening. It's true, I had. I said "hey" when I heard him, but I didn't really mind. No one was hurt and I'm a massive over sharer myself.

I've just remembered a story that may make you feel better. My mum fell down a steep embankment and hurt herself. A passing lady helped her into her car and bought her home (bad idea in retrospect). My dad didn't think it warranted an ambulance and only agreed when my mum insisted. My mum ended up in hospital for weeks on traction with pins in her leg as she had multiple leg fractures. If my dad had had his way she would have been cooking his dinner that night.

Thank you so much to everyone who said YABU - you’re absolutely right. Also, @LittlestBoho, that made me laugh, but you’re also right, I would absolutely die of embarrassment if he was telling his colleagues all that...

And @Moondust001... yes! I know exactly. I spent the first five days hoping it was a bad “regular” sprain, elevated it, iced it, put a bandage around it, and then as the bruise got worse and worse and finally I couldn’t walk on it at all, I had to go to A&E. I felt like a right idiot telling them how long ago the injury had happened. 😬 I hope yours healed well!

Also @DavidsSchitt saying the tinkly laugh is tension coming from him because of me. Er, I hate admitting this but part of why I didn’t ask him first is because I was accidentally eavesdropping (he thought I was on the other side of the flat, and I’m getting deadly ninja silent in my wheelchair).

So, I have now asked him and he looked at me like I was a bit crazy and pretty much agreed with 99% percent of you: it’s none of their business, he doesn’t want to have to explain it in depth, and apparently, he usually tells people I’ve torn a ligament anyway.

Also, most of you are extremely correct that I need to give my head a wobble because he’s been extremely supportive and kind (and funny) throughout this, which is the bit that matters. I suppose I’m so worried about the fact that he’s always having to deal with something wrong with me, that I focused on the wrong thing. I’ve started seeing a counselor for my guilt in the last few weeks and I’ll have a look at that chronic pain thread, @MedusasBadHairDay, for some support.

He's probably bored to death hearing you keep banging on about it. Are you ill often? Not nice though all the same

" for example the use of the word edema to me just means swelling but non medical familiar people are like edema what? What’s that? Is it a tumour?! And you would have to explain it all grin"

I'm not medical at all and have no science beyond GCSE, but I know edema (I thought it was spelt oedema or similar) is something to do with swelling.

It's not broken is it OP what do you want him to tell them.

My child had 6 hour surgery 2 weeks ago but when my neighbour asked how we were I said we are fine. Didn't feel the need to tell her.

@Gwenhwyfar fair enough most of my friends would have absolutely no clue. Trying to explain what thyroxine/ hypothyroid was to one of my friends when she saw the tablets in my bag was a struggle ! I had to use Wikipedia

[quote Blueeyedgirl21]@Gwenhwyfar fair enough most of my friends would have absolutely no clue. Trying to explain what thyroxine/ hypothyroid was to one of my friends when she saw the tablets in my bag was a struggle ! I had to use Wikipedia[/quote]
Hypothyroid is underactive thyroid (unless I'm mixing up with the opposite) and thyroxine is the treatment for it, some kind of hormone replacement. Dont' underestimate the average woman who grew up reading women's magazines and websites like this one.
I think the average MNer would have this basic knowledge as it's a subject that comes up quite regularly. I often feel cold and people ask me 'have you had your thyroid checked?'.

My husband is exactly the same. It really doesn’t matter what is happening to myself or children etc but he talks to people as if everything is absolutely fucking fine ...it actually annoys me so much!!

YABU. 9/10 I downplay my own chronic condition (especially with my colleagues) as I’m private and don’t want to go into details about it. A twisted ankle is something that non-medical people can understand and there’s no need for further explanation. Why do his colleagues even need to know more anyway? No offence but I doubt they’d even care