To wonder why my DH is downplaying my injury?

[RightYesButNo]

So yes, my DH and I have a good relationship; we communicate well, and I have a difficult chronic illness that we manage to get through by using a lot of humor to cope, which makes this all the more bizarre.

A few weeks ago, due to my illness, I fell and absolutely did it to my ankle. Tore one ligament, partially tore five more, have bone bruises and bone marrow edema (I didn’t even know what that was!). It had an almighty bruise that a nurse in A&E said was truly impressive. (I’m so proud.) It’s now in a cast, I’m having to use a wheelchair most of the time, and crutches. It’s been a pain in the arse. Which brings us to the bizarre thing.

Twice now, I’ve heard my husband telling colleagues on Zoom calls that I’ve just “twisted my ankle,” with sort of a tinkly laugh (can’t fucking believe I’m using that phrase). Erm, what? I tore a bunch of ligaments, and can’t even carry my own tea around the house. I’m still icing it three weeks later. I know I’ll never know unless I just ask him, but... I suppose I’m so saddened that maybe he’s finally embarrassed by having the “always sick wife” (shite, now I’m tearing up).

Any ideas why he’s downplaying it OR why it even bothers me, or do I have to get over myself and ask?

YABU - It’s probably nothing; maybe he just doesn’t want to share with colleagues and it shouldn’t bother you
YANBU - It does sound a little strange and would bother me; maybe he’s worn out from coping

Why would he share that info with colleagues, I wouldn’t as it’s not relevant and nothing to do with work.

Maybe he feels the same or maybe it’s just his way of dealing with things and he is trying not to let it or talk of it overtake everything in life.

I wouldn't want details of an injury shared with my husband's colleagues. I'd be mortified if he did.

YABU

Why do you need/want his colleagues to know all the details about your ankle injury? In what way does it affect you if they know you have torn ligaments etc or think you’ve just got a badly sprained ankle? (given it’s mentioned at least twice over a 3 week period would suggest to most people that’s not a simple sprain). He is probably trying to just get in with work.

I don’t mean this as harshly as it sounds, I know you have a chronic condition to contend with too- but how would it benefit you if his colleagues knew the exact nature of your injury? Is it the recognition/sympathy/attention from your DH and/or his colleagues that you are looking for? It does come across as your nose is a bit out of joint that he hasn’t told everyone how significant your injury is. Is it that you feel he hasn’t been giving you the help or acknowledged your pain etc? I’d think my DH was being a bit of a drama queen (king?) if he was disgruntled that I had just said to my colleagues he’d got a sprained ankle when he’d torn ligaments. I’d think he was searching for sympathy/attention and that would make me less likely to want to discuss it with colleagues.

I suppose I do think it’s decidedly odd that you feel that the fact he isn’t going into detail and telling his work colleagues how awful/painful etc it is anything to be concerned about. It’s not downplaying it’s just not an issue that you need to give chapter and verse about to your colleagues. I’d think it was bizarre if one of our colleagues gave us detailed information about their spouses’ ankle injury once, never mind several times.

Do you feel he is not giving you the recognition/sympathy/help you need?

If he is helping you with things you can’t do/need assistance with whilst you recover then he is doing all he needs to. If he isn’t, then speak to him about that.

As long as he isn't minimising it to you then I think that's ok. He probably just thought it easier to say than go into the details of your ankle. I'm not sure i would have even told the colleagues.

Surely you'd be more embarrassed if he was saying "my brave and courageous wife RightYesButNo snapped one ankle ligament, partially ripped 5 more, bruised her bone and even has a bone marrow edema! Do you know what one of those is? I have to carry her around the house on my back! Yesterday I had to give her a bath and help her onto the toilet. She's on 8 tablets of codeine a day and her blood pressure is 100 over 120. Last night she slept from 10.30pm to 7am, 80% of the time on her left side and 20% on her back."

In the kindest way, YABU. Maybe your existing health problems have made you ultra sensitive about being accused of malingering so this has sent you into a spiral of "what if he thinks I'm exagerrating? I'm really injured! Why is he being like this?!"

He just doesn't want to tell his colleagues intimate details of your health. That's a good thing. I hope you feel better soon! I have broken my ankle twice and the lack of mobility, even just around the house, really got me down after a while.

Whatever he says to colleagues, which will all be about impression management, what does he say to you? Is he on sympathetic? Does he not help you? Or does he love and assist you in the way you need? That is all you need to know

Why would his colleagues need to know the details?

As long as hes being supportive of you at home I'm not sure why it matters what he says.

Why would you want him to tell random people he works with your life story? Are you always this attention seeking? Why would you want the embarrassment of him derailing a work meeting to go on about minutiae to do with his wife's ankle?! I just can't understand this. I'd avoid both of you like the plague if he ever hijacked a meeting I didn't want to be in (no one wants to attend meetings in the first place) to bang on about his wife's latest tale of woe.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

Ankles are funny. They are either ‘broken’ = painful, max sympathy allowed or ‘not broken’= twisted, limited sympathy. I expect your husband knows how awful this is but also that people tune out if it not “broken”- despite how inaccurate that is (I snapped a ligament, it was truly AGONY, you have my deep sympathy!) so he didn’t want to go into it. This worry sounds like your projection, which doesn’t make it any less valid, but maybe you are concerned that he’s feeling burned out from caring and feel defensive before the fact. All you can do is have a talk with him and be prepared to listen. I hope your foot gets better soon!

I agree with this. Ankles are strange, and there is a bit of - it's broken or twisted, and there is nothing else to say.

If it's any consolation, and you may laugh at this if it cheers you up.... A few years ago I was walking down the road on a lovely sunny day and suddenly thought "Ouch, how on earth have a twisted my ankle when I haven't done a thing?" Hobbled around in increasing pain for a month thinking that this bloody twisted ankle was getting no better until I finally consulted someone who said "You need an Xray NOW". Of course that was stupid because it was just twisted, and the cringeworthy thing was that I didn't know how I twisted it which made it more pathetic than anything.

Yes, of course... it was broken and I had walked around on a broken ankle for over a month!!! And this pathetic woman who did that is a medical doctor! I have never lived that down!

YABU and the "tinkly laugh" is a nervous laugh because he can feel the tension coming from you.

You want him to go into great detail about your injury when he knows doing that will make him look dramatic to his colleagues.

You've twisted your ankle. Badly.

You’re overreacting. It’s a sprained ankle. What’s he meant to tell his work colleagues? Why would they be in the least bit interested? Most wouldn’t even mention it.

I think 'twisted ankle' is a phrase people understand and often covers anything below broken. I think you're feeling a bit shit generally and probably taking this too personally. I'd talk to him about it though and tell him what you're worried about so he can hopefully reassure you. x

YABU. I'm afraid that the truth, OP, is that your DH's colleagues are probably not in least bit interested in the details of your injury. They only need the basic gist of it, if that.

If my DH had a similar injury, I probably wouldn't mention it all to colleagues, unless it impacted on my availability for work because I was having to take him to appointments or generally be his carer etc.

My colleagues barely even know of my DHs existence let alone in-depth information into his medical problems. I doubt most of them could tell you his name.

They're his colleagues, they don't need to know everything about your health. He probably wants to skip past that and get on with work. I'd be glad my husband wasn't discussing my medical issues with every Tom, Dick and Harry.
As long as he's compassionate and caring in person then that's all you should be concerned about.

Because your DHs colleagues are not interested. He's kept it short and sweet as he knows that.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but it's probably because his colleagues won't actually be interested in hearing the exact details. They'll say an obligatory 'oh sorry to hear that. I hope she feels better soon' and then move on to the subject in hand. Also, he probably doesn't want to have to keep explaining and answering questions. They're his colleagues, not his confidantes.

I think honestly nobody cares to hear the details, and why would they?

My DH always downplays anything health connected. I hate people fussing if I’m ill or injured. If I’m in pain I just like to be left alone. Also, as an HCP in the local community, I prefer that the Chinese whispers aren’t spread around. It has happened in the past, it’s a bit disconcerting when a patient is surprised to see you because someone told them you were terminally ill ( I had actually sold the business but have stayed on in a clinical roll, some people assume that you only sell up if you’re on your way out).

I don’t know. Yes - neither he nor his colleagues want the intimate details of her health, but why wouldn’t he say “she’s completely bust her ankle” or “she’s really hurt herself”? Colleagues are either interested enough to have asked, or it has come up for some reason - why not say that it’s awful, but will hopefully be better soon? Does sound like he’s downplaying it for his own benefit.

I would say how he supports you in general is more important, with his colleagues he might just be respecting your privacy. However if he minimises it all of the time as well, and treats you like crap then that's different.

I think you're overthinking this and BU as a result.

I'd probably say the same as your DH because I wouldn't really want to go into it. I would also say the same if it was about me, with my line manager only knowing the full details if I needed time off or if whatever it was would effect my ability to do my job.

It's hard when you can't do what you normally would, coupled with only hearing half a conversation and no context, it's going to play on your mind.

I hope your ankle is better soon, it sounds like a nasty injury

@CoffeeRequiredNow

I do this sometimes because I can't be bothered with the 20 million follow-up questions:

How did it happen?
Is she ok?
How is she managing in a wheelchair?
Is she in much pain?
What did the doctor say?
How long will she be on crutches?
Do you need groceries dropped off?
A bone marrow what???

And so on and so on. Sometimes it's easier to minimise.

As long as he is treating you well and caring for you I really wouldn't worry. In fact, I'd probably thank him for trying to maintain your privacy!

Exactly what I was thinking.

Sorry you’ve had such a bad injury. Im just thinking about this as I’ve had two ankle ligament injuries, both caused by twisting my ankle. So he’s right, surely? That’s the cause. I’m sure I just told people I’d twisted my ankle and didn’t detail the ligament stuff, bruises, X-rays or physio etc. I wouldn’t be upset as I think he’s just telling them all they need to know and no more.

I think YABU, they don’t need to know the details. I have a chronic illness and due to this I’m always in the wars. My partner is much like this when explaining to people who don’t really need to know. I think he’s respecting my privacy so people don’t really know what’s going on as that would take a bigger explanation.