Is this normal step family - moving on

[Dundee67890]

I posted a while back about my family situation and got some really helpful advice that made me re read how we live and where the problem lies.

I’m posting as an update but also hoping for moral support! As the original post was on AIBU it’s on here again although it might be better in Relationships.

My step daughter visits her dad and I EOW - this is her weekend. She has a very good relationship with her dad and they enjoy their time together. Normally outside of COVID they do their thing and I do mine, everyone is happy. Lockdown has meant us spending a lot more time together and it’s not been easy for any of us. She’s 17 nearly 18. Please have a read of my previous post for details (but for quickness this is the sanitary towel post).

The whispering and secret texting seems to have ramped up a lot over the last month or so and I feel sick with anxiety over it.

Husband doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to hear it - it’s like he has a mental block and refuses to accept he’s doing it?! To the point I’m almost wondering if I’m making it up but I know I’m not. Just to be clear I have no issue with them having conversations that don’t include me, but to constantly whisper when I’m around and to stop when I walk in a room is hard to take.

I have tried over the 10 years we’ve been together to build a relationship with my step daughter but I gave up about 3 years ago and decided disengaging was the best option for all of us. I would never want to stop her seeing her dad so I try to keep as busy as I can under normal circumstances. I do work in excess of 50 hours a week in a hospital so my weekend time is pretty precious, nevertheless, I make her time here as comfortable as I can and try to be as absent as I can so she has time with dad.

Sorry I’m waffling but I want to make it clear that although we’re not close I don’t dislike her or try to stop her coming.

So this week I mentioned the whispering to husband and he flew! He denied it, started shouting immediately, banging around,
It was awful. He told me I’m a horrible toxic human being and completely denied everything going on. I couldn’t finish a sentence before him shouting me down. He said vile things about my family and spat on me!

I’m over it, the relationship, the blocking out, the feeling at the bottom of the pile, him trying to make me feel I’m making it up when I know I’m not. The shouting, the banging and smashing, the anxiety of the weekends. I have a small pot of savings and I’m looking into rentals to get out of here and start over again.

I’m early 50s so this isn’t an easy step to take. Any advice for an older, anxious and slightly damaged woman starting out?

I'm sorry op. Dp would be under the patio if he spat at me!
Before you move out do you have any cliam eg joint mortgage on the home etc. If you do then sart the ball rolling etc before moving out.
My friends just started over again at 50 after catching her exh cheating. She has a nice flat now and a new partner, this isn't the end x

I don't have any words of wisdom but wishing you luck as you move on with your life. How you've been living and been treated by your DH is not OK and is no way to live

I followed your other thread and I'm sorry it's come to this. Your DH has always seemed to condone the disrespect your step daughter shows you, and now he's shown you that he also has no respect for you.

I hope you find someone who treats you better and well done for having the courage and self-respect to say it's not good enough.

I think if you look back over the past 10 years you might find that this isn't all about your step daughter, but that your STBXH isn't actually very nice either. If he's reacted like this over a perfectly acceptable conversation, it's likely you've been treading on eggshells about other topics too. That lack of respect won't be confined to just the relationship between you and your step daughter.

There’s a lot to sort out if we do separate and divorce but we don’t have children of our own. That’s a problem for when I feel calmer and mentally stronger. It’s not as if we have pots of wealth and I’m worried he’ll take everything. It will be sorted, that’s not my immediate worry.

I remember your original post and wondered at the time why you put up with it, I certainly wouldn’t.
You are not in the wrong. They both sound vile TBH.
She is a grown woman, you should not be treated this way in your own home.
I really don’t know why you stay.

@BonnesVacances you’re absolutely right. I had blinkers on thinking my relationship with husband was good. He is ultimately the problem, his encouragement of her bad behaviour made it worse. It’s very interesting he has a friend who I work with, I’ve always been very respectful of their friendship and never ever said anything to the friend. But he said something to me recently that made me think he might know what sort of person husband actually is! Husband is very good at making everyone think he’s super lovely!

They sound hideous, you will be so much happier without them both.

The whispers and texting us bad enough without everything else. I don't allow my children to behave like that, it's rude and a type of bullying.

If you can't say something everyone in the room can listen to, it can wait until later.

I’m in my mid 40s rather than 50s but I’d say:

• Give yourself permission to be sad. Splitting up IS sad even if it is the right move. A long relationship takes time to get over. Just because you feel a bit weepy and sentimental occasionally doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. (This feeling worried me a lot when I split from ex-H. It was the right choice but I was really sad. Eventually I realised I was sad about what we should / could have had).
• Be kind to yourself. When you get your new place look for something that suits YOU. Furnish and decorate it as YOU like. (Seems so obvious but after 14 years a I was so used to considering X-H that it took me a while to really connect with what I wanted and not to feel guilty about my silly impractical cluttering Moroccan lamps that I love).
• Expect it to take time. I’m 2.5years post break up, 2 years post divorce and have a new boyfriend and I’d say I’m still occasionally blind sided by something from my marriage- a feeling or a job that I suddenly have to do that my ex used to do.
• If you decide to date be totally sure about what you want up front and stick to it. I don’t want to live with someone else again. My lovely boyfriend knows this, feels the same and we get on accordingly.

Basically time, time, time, kindness to yourself, patience with yourself, self care and trusting yourself that you made the right decision for you even if it’s a bit painful at times!

Good luck

Use your cash to get a solicitor too so that the cash you get reflects what you put in.

Hi Op;
I didn't read your original posy but well done for standing up for yourself they sound vile.

Before you leave set up an appointment for solicitors and make sure you get copies of any documents you might need.

Focus on getting the finances sorted. I'd be so tempted to give his daughter a piece of my mind but maybe wait till you are about to actually leave! But I certainly wouldn't be making any concessions to her- do not clean her room, don't tiptoe round her and don't cook or clean for your soon to be ex. And don't leave the house unless that is clearly the best thing to do- if you have to force a sale you may be better staying put. You also have the right to say she can't stay there overnight once she's 18- it's your property too.

@Porridgeoat

"Use your cash to get a solicitor too so that the cash you get reflects what you put in."

Agree about the solicitor...but the case law won't reflect what she put in...she might get more...or she could get a lot less. However, it sounds like mentally she will,be in a better place

The whispering sounds like a small thing but it’s honestly so hard to deal with.

I don’t care what they’re saying, I’m not actually interested. Same with what I call secret texting. I have never looked at his phone or had any interest in it but he’s on it constantly, takes it everywhere (bathroom,
WC) and stores it face down on silent when he’s around me. He throws into his shouting the comments they make about me via text. Some curious side of me would love to read it one day but it would probably destroy me.

You make the break. But....do not move out
...move to the spare room and get legal advice. (If you move out you will spend lots on deposit and rent that you might want to save for the long term home).

If the spare room. Is Step Daughters room that is unfortunate....dad will have to make accommodation. Of he isn't happy then he can leave the main bedroom instead.

Put the house up for sale and move on with your life. Good luck.

Op one to second the doing what you please for a bit. I post divorce 7 years ago moved overseas with anew job and HD a fabulous 3/4 years.
I did exactly what I wanted and it was what I needed.
You sound like you have your head screwed on and are a kind person, you will be absolutely more than okay when you loose the dead weight of your exh.
Also don't be afraid to tell people about wy your leaving, his behaviour reflects badly on him not on you.

I don't know the rest of your story but please don't stay with someone who spat on you that is so disrespectful and degrading. How dare he.

I read your last thread in horror.

I wish you well and am sending your lots of virtual support and strength.

Your life will be so much happier and calmer without him (and her)

I smiled about the comment about asking her not to come when she reaches 18.
I can imagine the response I’d get to that, I’d be thrown under a bus before he’d let that happen.

The COVID rules have meant nothing. She has posted dated photos all over Instagram of her with boyfriend and he denies they’re there?? I’m surprised no one has reported her. He is the most critical person of others and a raging snob, except when it comes to his daughter when he either says it hasn’t happened (when it most definitely has), or he makes an excuse.

It’s like my blinkers have been removed.
I just need to get strong now.

I just wanted to pick up on what you said about your husband making people think he's lovely but a comment from his friend made you think maybe he isn't fooled.
I think you might be overestimating how many people he is fooling. Most people don't tell someones wife they think he is a dick!
There is more than one someone's husband in my life that I tolerate for the sake of my relationship with the wife.
And if it's neighbours or acquaintances I might mention to my DH my low opinion of someone but I wouldn't say anything to anyone else.
I hope this new chapter in your life is happy and when sadness at the loss of your old life arises try to focus on the fact you feel completely comfortable in your new home. No eggshells there!

I remember your previous thread. Tbh the whispering is reason enough, even without the other details. Your stbxh sounds like an awful bully. As others have said, please get legal advice to make sure that you are protected financially. Take time to grieve the relationship, and then look forward to this positive next chapter in your life.

He spat on you??? Dirty tramp. That’s assault. Report to police.
Get financials in order, get the house sold.
You are worth so much more than this.

I really admire you for tackling this and knowing your limits - you deserve much better.
Please see a solicitor and get the lowdown on the financial side first of all as you don’t want him to be able to delay the sale etc. because you need his daughter to sign to say she has no rights over the house. If you could get him to leave it would be best but I understand it’s stressful now and you need to be able to work.
What he has done is assault you by spitting on you - you can report him to the police. Sue for unreasonable behaviour to divorce and don’t hold back on your application. He deserves no sympathy for being a father.

@Peace43

I’m in my mid 40s rather than 50s but I’d say:

• Give yourself permission to be sad. Splitting up IS sad even if it is the right move. A long relationship takes time to get over. Just because you feel a bit weepy and sentimental occasionally doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. (This feeling worried me a lot when I split from ex-H. It was the right choice but I was really sad. Eventually I realised I was sad about what we should / could have had).
• Be kind to yourself. When you get your new place look for something that suits YOU. Furnish and decorate it as YOU like. (Seems so obvious but after 14 years a I was so used to considering X-H that it took me a while to really connect with what I wanted and not to feel guilty about my silly impractical cluttering Moroccan lamps that I love).
• Expect it to take time. I’m 2.5years post break up, 2 years post divorce and have a new boyfriend and I’d say I’m still occasionally blind sided by something from my marriage- a feeling or a job that I suddenly have to do that my ex used to do.
• If you decide to date be totally sure about what you want up front and stick to it. I don’t want to live with someone else again. My lovely boyfriend knows this, feels the same and we get on accordingly.

Basically time, time, time, kindness to yourself, patience with yourself, self care and trusting yourself that you made the right decision for you even if it’s a bit painful at times!

Good luck

Great advice from @Peace43

OP, whenever you doubt yourself, remember that your 'D'P spat at you. That's truly awful

Moving on may not be easy at first, but you'll be the queen of your own castle

Sorry OP, but why are you letting their whispering get to you so much? I assume because you are assuming they are talking about you? Ultimately, they might have done so when they were out together anyway.

If that's the worry, then this is what you should bring up with your OH as they shouldn't be talking about you behind your back.

Most likely that's not what is happening. They are talking about things that matters to her that she doesn't want you to know about. Surely, she's entitled to this privacy. Dies she feels that you are spying on her trying to get snippets of information?

The stopping the conversation when you come in surely is the polite response or should they continue and totally ignore you? Surely you'd complained that this was rude.

The reality is that as you've said, you and her don't have a relationship and therefore need to share the attention of your OH. Do t let it get to you. Let them have their relationship and remember that she won't be visiting regularly for much longer.

Hi I'm so so sorry that you had to put up with that.

I just want to say.....I'm about to do the same thing. I am nearly 50 and having been with DP nearly 10 years I'm no longer prepared to put up with his behaviour towards me, and this includes regarding my dsc. I actually think they are great kids and do my best to make them feel welcome but, like you, end up feeling unwelcome in my own house when they are here...this has now extended to my children feeling excluded too.

I don't want to derail your thread any further other than to say....you are not alone in feeling like this is the only option left. I'm actually looking forward to being on my own again, making plans in my head of all the things that I can do in peace.

Pp's are right...your life will be so much better and calmer and if he honestly thinks you will stay with him after he spoke to you and spat at you then it just goes to show what he thinks of you.

You can do this and you will be better for it.