Is this normal step family - moving on

[Dundee67890]

I posted a while back about my family situation and got some really helpful advice that made me re read how we live and where the problem lies.

I’m posting as an update but also hoping for moral support! As the original post was on AIBU it’s on here again although it might be better in Relationships.

My step daughter visits her dad and I EOW - this is her weekend. She has a very good relationship with her dad and they enjoy their time together. Normally outside of COVID they do their thing and I do mine, everyone is happy. Lockdown has meant us spending a lot more time together and it’s not been easy for any of us. She’s 17 nearly 18. Please have a read of my previous post for details (but for quickness this is the sanitary towel post).

The whispering and secret texting seems to have ramped up a lot over the last month or so and I feel sick with anxiety over it.

Husband doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to hear it - it’s like he has a mental block and refuses to accept he’s doing it?! To the point I’m almost wondering if I’m making it up but I know I’m not. Just to be clear I have no issue with them having conversations that don’t include me, but to constantly whisper when I’m around and to stop when I walk in a room is hard to take.

I have tried over the 10 years we’ve been together to build a relationship with my step daughter but I gave up about 3 years ago and decided disengaging was the best option for all of us. I would never want to stop her seeing her dad so I try to keep as busy as I can under normal circumstances. I do work in excess of 50 hours a week in a hospital so my weekend time is pretty precious, nevertheless, I make her time here as comfortable as I can and try to be as absent as I can so she has time with dad.

Sorry I’m waffling but I want to make it clear that although we’re not close I don’t dislike her or try to stop her coming.

So this week I mentioned the whispering to husband and he flew! He denied it, started shouting immediately, banging around,
It was awful. He told me I’m a horrible toxic human being and completely denied everything going on. I couldn’t finish a sentence before him shouting me down. He said vile things about my family and spat on me!

I’m over it, the relationship, the blocking out, the feeling at the bottom of the pile, him trying to make me feel I’m making it up when I know I’m not. The shouting, the banging and smashing, the anxiety of the weekends. I have a small pot of savings and I’m looking into rentals to get out of here and start over again.

I’m early 50s so this isn’t an easy step to take. Any advice for an older, anxious and slightly damaged woman starting out?

@dontdisturbmenow - thanks for your post. She is absolutely entitled to her privacy and that includes talking about me if she wants to, but they have loads of time to talk alone. They go for long walks together during lockdown and in normal times they spend the day together cinema, bowling, shopping, MacDonald’s, that sort of thing. I never intrude. There’s is not excuse for whispering. Whatever they’re saying should be said at normal volume, I’m not interested at all in what they’re saying but the whispering is awful.

He’s told me in the past she would prefer me to not be here when she is, that hasn’t been possible as it’s my only home. I’m hoping she’ll get her wish very soon.

Thanks so much for all your super kind words and advice. He is a bully and I deserve peace. When I think about a home of my own I’m not sad about the loss but happy about the possibilities. I’m at the part where I’ll never want to date again, not ever but hey I might meet a dashing silver fox one day who’ll Sweep me off my feet!! Haha!!

OP - honestly with or without the spitting, which is beyond disgusting, I'd also be pissed off with the constant whispering. It's just bloody rude.

Saw your previous thread Op and thought in your place I'd have upped and left, so I'm glad you're now doing just that. Make sure you get good legal advice and take whatever you're entitled to from the house, he's been a lousy DH and you should feel no shame at taking everything the law allows. Hopefully the nasty pair will be ashamed of themselves but I wouldn't bet on it so make sure you get your version of events out to everyone before he has a chance. Good luck

They are both disgusting.

I agree regarding the spitting, it is assault.

You have been in denial for so long about what a bully he is that he actually had to spit on you to realise.

Unbelievable.

I suggest you ring 101 and log the incident with the police and your mobile number.

This will be useful information in your divorce.

Tell everyone that you know that he has done this.
Do not protect him any longer.

Kindly, your boundaries have been so poor for so long.

To spit on someone indicates clearly that you are the utter dregs of society.

Log it with the police and tell his friend that it was the final straw.

If you can get proof by texting him and telling him that his spitting on you is unacceptable all the better.

Call Women's Aid for support and advice and get a solicitor asap to sort out the selling of the house.

Get proof of all finances asap.

OP I have no advice, just wanted to say how happy I am for you that you are finally starting to plan your way of this nightmare.
Many others have said it, but I’ll add my voice - it’s not you, it’s them.
Your soon to be ex husband is a a horrible, inadequate human being and the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.
A better life awaits when you are free of them both

She sounds intolerable and he sounds even worse. I am a step daughter and although I don’t always see eye to eye with my stepdad I respect him enough and love my mum too much that I’d never be this rude. I’d get my shit and go if you’re name is on the house, empty joint accounts of your money and LTB.

They sound like a pair of bullies ganging up on you. DSD has obviously picked up on his total lack of respect for you. I wish you a bright and happy future.

I'm sorry for what you've been going through and pleased that you will soon have a happier life without having to share a home with people who treat you with contempt and disrespect . Don't waste any more time being made to feel miserable in a place which should be a haven for you.

Op, I won't repeat the brilliant advice you've already had here.

I remember your previous thread and am raging on your behalf that he exploded like that and actually spat on you.

You deserve the opposite of this life and your freedom once you're free of them wi be wonderful.

Oh OP I'm so sorry it's gone this way. I remember your first post.
You can do this, you've been a saint putting up with her and him. What a horrible man spitting on you!
My SIL and MIL whisper when I'm in the room and have started doing it on Zoom calls, it really hits my confidence. I don't care if they're talking about the cricket, it's rude to whisper.
Find a lovely new home and enjoy your life without their toxicity!

So sorry to hear that OP. I really hope all the people saying the behaviour was fine and you were the one with the problem on the previous thread are reading that he spat at you. Disgusting behaviour.

Glad you’ve made the decision OP. As for support, this weekend, lock yourself away and look up guidance for what to do- who to contact for legal advice, what to take if you do need to move out and use the difficult situation to give you the power to start the process. Starting is always the hardest hurdle but the sooner you start the sooner you are free. Life is on the other side and when you’re there you can focus totally on yourself and what you want.

I think we're all cheering for you OP; its a hard decision but I admire you coming to it. I don't know if you want to get this moved to relationships but people there can give lots of advice on separating; also there is a divorce topic that's when you get the hardcore advice on finances etc!

When I saw a solicitor I paid for the hour that was my choice and I was lucky I could afford it, although you can get the free initial advice too of course.

I also remember your last thread OP, and am very sad to see your update.
Spitting at you is just awful.
Glad to see you have determination and positivity about making changes and moving forwards.
Wishing you all the best as you ease out from under the boulder.

.

Oh I remember your last thread it’s was so upsetting the way they both treated you. I remember thinking that’s although SD was vile (sanitary pads wtf!) they were both actually incredibly rude to you with the way they acted. Nothing wrong with private time and conversations but that wasn’t what they were doing. The SD was also 7(?) at the start so I fully blame you DH for not tackling her rudeness at that stage and letting it get worse as she got older and being complicit in it. He did nothing to show you should be respected. I’m so pleased you have decided enough is enough and wish you every happiness in the future

disgusting he spat at you. SD has got her wish and has her dad all to herself. Good riddance and good luck.

He spat on you? God, that's awful. It also tells you everything you need to know about how he sees you. He thinks you're worthless.

You aren't worthless and you can do much much better for yourself than this.

Spitting is assault and proves contempt. The whispering is an attempt to control and sounds abusive.

He is not your friend and will soon be worse. I would get the financials sorted and until then do absolutely nothing for both of them. See how he likes doing all the grunt work for this young woman.

You are going to be great. You will have a lovely home with no drama and soon you will be able to do stuff with your friends.

I remember your last thread, this just makes me wonder why you put up with it for so long. It's over obviously.
just strange he never thought to tell you, or you him before now. but I guess time goes slow in lockdown and when its been gradual.
Good luck 👍

@Stovetopespresso thank you. I’ve struggled with a difficult relationship with SD for ten years. Lockdown has intensified the situation but the difficulties have been there for a long time. I put up with it because I was naive to what is an abusive relationship and have only really recently admitted it.

Thanks again everyone, your comments really do help .

If my husband spat at me I'd be gone that day! He's a filthy, disgusting, repellent, disrespectful waste of human flesh!

Get your financial house in order and get away from him and his rude, chip-off-the-old-block daughter. You've got plenty of good, fulfilling years ahead of you--go live and enjoy them.

I feel really guilty that I took the view and focused on the thought that your SD needed support and your husband was scared of abandoning her at a vulnerable time in her life. When I read your thread before, this is what I thought, but I see now how intolerable your situation has been and how unhappy you must be. I feel so sorry that there aren't family who can take your side and speak to him and show him that he ought to change.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, and hope it works out and that other areas of your life are enjoyable. If you do leave, I hope you meet someone kind and respectful very quickly.

I'm so glad you're calling time on this. You deserve so much better.

Spitting on anyone is a filthy, filthy thing to do, at the best of times. In covid times? It's very much assault.

Well done
You have seen the light
I remember your last thread

You can do this , see a Soliciter ASAP and crack on
He will be vile , bully , abuse
But just keep moving forward