Is this normal step family - moving on

[Dundee67890]

I posted a while back about my family situation and got some really helpful advice that made me re read how we live and where the problem lies.

I’m posting as an update but also hoping for moral support! As the original post was on AIBU it’s on here again although it might be better in Relationships.

My step daughter visits her dad and I EOW - this is her weekend. She has a very good relationship with her dad and they enjoy their time together. Normally outside of COVID they do their thing and I do mine, everyone is happy. Lockdown has meant us spending a lot more time together and it’s not been easy for any of us. She’s 17 nearly 18. Please have a read of my previous post for details (but for quickness this is the sanitary towel post).

The whispering and secret texting seems to have ramped up a lot over the last month or so and I feel sick with anxiety over it.

Husband doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to hear it - it’s like he has a mental block and refuses to accept he’s doing it?! To the point I’m almost wondering if I’m making it up but I know I’m not. Just to be clear I have no issue with them having conversations that don’t include me, but to constantly whisper when I’m around and to stop when I walk in a room is hard to take.

I have tried over the 10 years we’ve been together to build a relationship with my step daughter but I gave up about 3 years ago and decided disengaging was the best option for all of us. I would never want to stop her seeing her dad so I try to keep as busy as I can under normal circumstances. I do work in excess of 50 hours a week in a hospital so my weekend time is pretty precious, nevertheless, I make her time here as comfortable as I can and try to be as absent as I can so she has time with dad.

Sorry I’m waffling but I want to make it clear that although we’re not close I don’t dislike her or try to stop her coming.

So this week I mentioned the whispering to husband and he flew! He denied it, started shouting immediately, banging around,
It was awful. He told me I’m a horrible toxic human being and completely denied everything going on. I couldn’t finish a sentence before him shouting me down. He said vile things about my family and spat on me!

I’m over it, the relationship, the blocking out, the feeling at the bottom of the pile, him trying to make me feel I’m making it up when I know I’m not. The shouting, the banging and smashing, the anxiety of the weekends. I have a small pot of savings and I’m looking into rentals to get out of here and start over again.

I’m early 50s so this isn’t an easy step to take. Any advice for an older, anxious and slightly damaged woman starting out?

Sorry just read that you are getting out.

It's never easy but if you read posts under separation, you'll see that it always turn out much better than feared and a blessing.

@Dundee67890 oh love, I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this

But at least you know now that there is no chance of this ever being resolved

And spitting? Seriously that is an assault. Whether you choose to do anything about it, leaving him, divorcing him and living a better life away from this vile man and his disgusting daughter is the best option.

Use this event as your red line, the last straw.

I too will reassure you that you will feel better and stronger without these people in your life.

Get good legal advice ASAP and listen to everything you’re advised to do to get the best outcome for you and leave th far behind

We’re all rooting for you. We’re all here for you.

I’ve been on abusive relationships and I’m early 50s now and met my adorable oh a few years ago. There is still so much of our lives to live. Never settle for anything that makes you unhappy

I'm now living with my new dp but after 20 years of marriage it was hard being single, just remember that you will get a better life! Get advice before you leave because it's harder to get agreements after

I read your last thread and felt sorry for you
They have clearly worn you down and trampled all over you .
My advice is to get all the documents together, take photos of bank accounts,remove half of all moneys to your own bank account.
Then move in to the spare room.
If that is her room ,tough shit .
Then get the house on the market ,even if you are not on the mortgage,you have lived there 10 years raising his daughter you will be entitled to a significant amount.
These two need putting in their place ,and you op ,are the woman for the job xx

He SPAT at you!

Well, at least that heinous behaviour has done you a favour. You never need to angst about your husband and daughter's relationship ever again. Or skivvy around them. The only person who matters now is YOU.
What are your plans for this weekend? You may want to lick your wounds but some actions will make you feel a bit better too. Some ideas:
Tell everyone what has happened.

Do nothing at all that benefits your husband and step-daughter.
As Mumdiva said, sort out your new bedroom - with a lock if possible.
Have you got some big FUCK OFF headphones? If not, order some.
Make a big to-do list towards your future life: shared finances, a new bank account for you if necessary, research about storage units for precious/personal items, appointments with estate agents to value the house etc. Lots of small steps.
Intersperse with brisk outdoor exercise if the weather allows.
Your marriage is dead in the water but no doubt your husband will try to weasel his way back after the weekend. Vile man.

My advice, do it, you will not regret it

If the house isn’t I’m your name and you’ve paid you way for years you will be entitled to nothing so take all the money in the joint account. You owe this fucker and his disgusting daughter nothing.

I hate to admit this but I am envious of you!
I love my DH with all my heart but I have been so unhappy as a step mother. I hate everything about the role even though if you came to my home on any given day we look like a perfectly happy blended family (because I constantly have to fake it)
I’m now stuck because I have my own child with him and don’t want to break up her home.
I’d say just enjoy your life. You’ve tried everything you can but why should you sink into the background of your own home every weekend?
I wish you all the best. Stay strong.

I agree with everything 7yo7yo said.

He spat at you? Vile. Sorry op.

Op you have made 10 years of effort and you are in your 50s. Don't you think you have given this situation more time than it ever deserved. Your dh true colors were always there, but he has now blatantly let you know how bottom of the pile you are. She sounds manipulative, calculating and horrible. Don't dress it up. She clearly does all this to wind you up. Why do you have to live a life of anxiety, not enjoying peace in your own home and most of all being spat at??
Just leave them two to it. You will never win this. And you are not the toxic one here

Good decision - they both sound vile.
get details/statement copies of all joint assets, see a solicitor

Disgraceful behaviour...think how peaceful your life will be with neither of them in it 😊

Hi OP, I was a totally thinking about you and your last thread, wondering how you were getting on.

You've had good advice and I don't have much to add except I'm really pleased you have decided to leave and start again. Your husband doesn't deserve you. I agree with PP who said that whenever your resolve fades, to remember that he spat at you. My ex boyfriend spat at me on two occasions among other things and I really regret sticking around for ten years and wasting my time with him.

Anyway, good luck

Who will pick up her used sanitary towels from the floor now..

@Dundee67890 I promise you, there will be a hard phase to get through to get, but not as hard as you think actually, and you WILL get past this and through to the other side

If you stay, things will never get any better than they are today, only ever worse.

If you leave you have a chance to be happy. One you wouldn’t ever have by wasting any more time in this relationship with this revolting man and his revolting daughter

I would suggest too that you gently broker that mutual friend and find out what he meant, open up a little (once your ducks are in the row - in case you tip stbx off) I think you’ll be shocked to see how other people do actually have the measure of your stbx. They’re being kind and polite for your sake.

I’m so sorry to read this update, I am now however surprised. He’s been allowing / a key part of very toxic behaviour towards you for years (and getting away with it.)

Words of wisdom?

Finances
Do you have any joint accounts/ credit cards?
If you have joint credit cards freeze them. If he incurs debt on them you are liable.
If you have joint assets within a bank think about informing the bank of the separation.
Re the joint account I wouldn’t necessarily clear it (depends on what’s in there etc), but I would certainly remove 50%

Paperwork
People have already said, make copies. Do. Of everything. The more Intel you have on his financials the quicker this can all go.

Help for you
Solicitors are expensive, use a solicitor for legal advice not for counselling. Get some appts lined up and start getting your ducks in order.

Counselling/ support - tell people in RL what has happened and galvanise support. Whether that’s close friends/ counsellor.

The spitting - bluntly thats reportable to the police. I’d make a police report in a heartbeat. What a vile human being. I’m so sorry that happened to you, you really do not deserve it.

In terms of life, for you?

The next few months won’t be easy. That’s why I say get your support structure around you.
But, if you stay your course and see this through and remove these two heinous individuals from your life? You will be happier. I promise you.

They’ve been abusing you/ bullying you. You need to be so kind to yourself, but trust me, life without them will be 100 times better.

There are so many here to handhold you through this. Keep posting and let poster here help x

Your new life will be a million times better op. Take a deep breath and start making it happen..
Leave them to it. They sound as hideous as each other.. Make sure your solicitor gets you what is owed..
Maybe shove a few prawns in the curtain hems before you leave...

@dontdisturbmenow

Sorry OP, but why are you letting their whispering get to you so much? I assume because you are assuming they are talking about you? Ultimately, they might have done so when they were out together anyway.

If that's the worry, then this is what you should bring up with your OH as they shouldn't be talking about you behind your back.

Most likely that's not what is happening. They are talking about things that matters to her that she doesn't want you to know about. Surely, she's entitled to this privacy. Dies she feels that you are spying on her trying to get snippets of information?

The stopping the conversation when you come in surely is the polite response or should they continue and totally ignore you? Surely you'd complained that this was rude.

The reality is that as you've said, you and her don't have a relationship and therefore need to share the attention of your OH. Do t let it get to you. Let them have their relationship and remember that she won't be visiting regularly for much longer.

Did you miss the park where HE SPAT AT HER?! Please read the OP other thread or summary of it before you tell her to talk to him 🤦🏼‍♀️

I am so, so glad you’re leaving him. He is a vile human.

Sorry to hear this has escalated. His behaviour has never sounded like a decent man so the spitting isnt surprising.

Agree with everything @sassbott said about paperwork copies, financials, shared accounts, police.

Keep your cards close to your chest. Dont move out, use the money to see a solicitor and make a plan for your financial/legal situation.

@dontdisturbmenow RTFT and stop talking rubbish.

OP 💐
What a vile individual. I would report the assault to the police in a heartbeat. If he’s capable of that he is capable of further violence. You might need help from them if he turned on you. If there was a restraining order against him you’d solve the problem of both of them for a bit.

Absolutely get copies of everything you can lay your hands on. Pensions, savings, house documents, payslips.

You deserve so much better than this. How dare he.

Hes an arse, you deserve better. Leave him

He spat at you?!
Jesus if any man spat at me he'd never see me again. Disgusting man.
Glad you're getting out OP.