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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair?

67 replies

Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:14

I really need some help. It's very complicated but my (controlling) ex and I have shared care 50/50 of our two boys for seven years (court enforced). They are now 10 and 13. I have a 9 month-old daughter with my fiancé.

Just before baby was born and in the middle of Covid my eldest suddenly went from being close with me to allegedly "hating" me and never wanting to see me again. I was a "fucking c*" etc.

My ex is once again taking me back to court for further custody. We had a mediation session last week in which he basically bullied me and said unless I agreed to the eldest staying with him three more days a week he would see me in court. Didn't mention the youngest whom I have never had any issues with. He loves being with me.

Despite this I said I was prepared to compromise.

I sent this email...

Re (eldest). Either time you suggested is fine with me. Alternatively, as this is an unusual week with (eldest) not returning to school until Tuesday I would, on this particular occasion, be happy for (eldest) to remain with you until Tuesday if he wishes (with you dropping to school Tuesday and me picking up). See what (eldest) thinks, if you would be happy with this. I will collect (youngest) from school as usual on Monday.

He then replies:

I have spoken to both boys, (eldest) is keen to stay but (youngest) wants to also and thinks it is not fair that is allowed and he is not so I think either they both stay the extra day or comes back to you at 9am or after me taking him to the test.

Regards

*

I'm so tired of this game playing.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Carolina24 · 05/03/2021 22:30

Ask your younger boy what he wants. If he wants to stay with your ex for the extra time then I would allow it. Otherwise, have them both home as planned.

I’ve seen your other threads about your ex and it does sound like a very difficult situation but on this occasion I would just go with what the kids want rather than having a fight.

Thelnebriati · 05/03/2021 22:33

Stick to the court ordered agreement and stop being flexible.
If he wants to change the court ordered access agreement, he has to take you to court.
Keep all the evidence you can collect. Can you get a report or statement from the mediation service to back you up? He's being unreasonable and treating the children unequally, but that doesnt really show up in his email, and you could do with some evidence.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:34

@Carolina24 My youngest will have to say what daddy wants to hear, even if it's not what he wants. I know he will be desperate to see his sister.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 05/03/2021 22:36

Oh no OP. I've read so many of your previous threads.

It's hard to read that this is still ongoing.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:36

@Thelnebriati Mediation is entirely confidential sadly. I think I'd be better off just losing the boys altogether tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:38

@EarringsandLipstick Thank you. I'm at the point now (after 7 years) where I feel it's going to best just to let him have what he wants.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 05/03/2021 22:39

Thats awful, they are just enabling him. Whats the point of it?

NormanStangerson · 05/03/2021 22:40

I remember all your threads too. I hope your new partner has stepped up to help with your daughter more.

I’m sorry I have nothing useful to add with this situation but I’m sure someone will be along who can help.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/03/2021 22:41

I feel it's going to best just to let him have what he wants.

As people have commented before, this isn't the case.

Your DSs need you.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:45

@Thelnebriati I'm told time and time again I am being unfair to my kids and I must work with my ex in the best interests of the kids. But how the fuck can I?
@NormanStangerson I'm still doing all of the nights as we bedshare and I'm bloody exhausted! Partner's back is very bad again sadly. She's 9 months and I honestly haven't had more than 3 hours sleep in a row since she's been born. And I go back t9 work ft in a few months!!!! Argh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:46

@EarringsandLipstick I know that. But my ex won't accept not having them for three extra nights per week. He kept banging on about it in mediation and saying neither boy liked me any more. Maybe they'd be better off with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:50

The mediators were superb and asked him how he's feel if the kids (actually) said they wanted to be with me more. Ex said he wouldn't care. He's genuinely emotionless. It's bloody scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 11:14

Any more advice anyone? I need to reply to him otherwise I'll be in trouble :(

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 06/03/2021 11:33

Problem is Bullied people will be replying without the context. You've written many many posts before under other names which make clear the wider, problematic relationship you have with your ex but also your current DP & you've received a LOT of advice on dealing with your DS which you are reluctant to take.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/03/2021 11:34

In terms of advice on this specific issue, just stick with what you want. If he wants to go to court, let him.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 06/03/2021 11:41

@Bulliedandtired it is 99/100 best for the boys to be with their mum. Think that you are putting them first.

If he's using them as pawns to hurt you still thats annoying. He is still bullying you now. Lets be clear. Stand your ground- you will feel stronger afterwards 💪💪

Also if is he trying to turn them against you. Ask them what has been said to them and be honest with them so they can see through his manipulative ways. They can then make their own informed decision xxx

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 11:50

Thanks. My fiancé says I shouldn't give in to his requests but if I don't he will say I am not acting in best interests of the boys. I am 99.99999999% sure my youngest would not have said this.

OP posts:
Youllbeoldertoo · 06/03/2021 11:54

@Bulliedandtired

Don’t give up on your boys!! Don’t just let him win, go back to mediation, fight fight fight. Let him take you back to
Court, until then stick to 50/50

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 12:22

@Youllbeoldertoo But if the judge just gives him what he wants anyway aren't I just delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 06/03/2021 12:32

As PPs suggest, stop the flexibility, stop the negotiations. It's all according to the court order. When DS says he wants to go to dad's, just say no that's not the system.

Again and again and again.

If he wants, then Talk about his feelings, talk about how he wants to spend his time with you. Do not talk about changing the arrangements.

picklemewalnuts · 06/03/2021 12:34

You really need to grey rock this- go deaf, don't respond, talk about the weather. Let go of the rope.

Youllbeoldertoo · 06/03/2021 12:35

@Bulliedandtired

At least you and your boys will know you did everything you could, why have any reverts! You sound so weak willed. Just keep fighting for your boys, even if you loose if they know you didn’t even fight it will damage your future relationship with them. Don’t be so defeatist!! I don’t mean to be harsh but I think you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take some action!

You posted before didn’t you? When you found out you were pregnant?

Youllbeoldertoo · 06/03/2021 12:37

@Bulliedandtired
And your assuming the court will side with your ex!? Who says they will?

peak2021 · 06/03/2021 12:40

I think the best response to the 'or we'll discuss this in court' is to agree to see your ex DH in court. Then when you are in court, make the point (or have your solicitor make the point) that taking legal action has been used as a threat.

I wish there was a way that threatening the use of legal action could be a criminal offence. Robert Maxwell used threats of or legal action to bully people for example.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 12:44

@picklemewalnuts I did this when he suddenly stopped the kids seeing me the day before Mother's Day last year. I had to get an urgent hearing in court and the judge put in police powers to get eldest back if still problems. Unfortunately I had to use them and my son is still angry at me about that.
If I don't compromise I am accused of not working with him for the sake of the kids.

OP posts: