To think this is unfair?

[Bulliedandtired]

I really need some help. It's very complicated but my (controlling) ex and I have shared care 50/50 of our two boys for seven years (court enforced). They are now 10 and 13. I have a 9 month-old daughter with my fiancé.

Just before baby was born and in the middle of Covid my eldest suddenly went from being close with me to allegedly "hating" me and never wanting to see me again. I was a "fucking c*" etc.

My ex is once again taking me back to court for further custody. We had a mediation session last week in which he basically bullied me and said unless I agreed to the eldest staying with him three more days a week he would see me in court. Didn't mention the youngest whom I have never had any issues with. He loves being with me.

Despite this I said I was prepared to compromise.

I sent this email...

Re (eldest). Either time you suggested is fine with me. Alternatively, as this is an unusual week with (eldest) not returning to school until Tuesday I would, on this particular occasion, be happy for (eldest) to remain with you until Tuesday if he wishes (with you dropping to school Tuesday and me picking up). See what (eldest) thinks, if you would be happy with this. I will collect (youngest) from school as usual on Monday.

He then replies:

I have spoken to both boys, (eldest) is keen to stay but (youngest) wants to also and thinks it is not fair that is allowed and he is not so I think either they both stay the extra day or comes back to you at 9am or after me taking him to the test.

Regards

*

I'm so tired of this game playing.

What do I do?

Your children will not thank you for letting him get what he wants because you can’t be bothered to fight any more. They’re worth fighting for

Guys this is the latest email...fucking control again... what do I do?

I have already spoken to and he says it is not fair. I don’t think it is right to separate the boys against their will.

I will happily take (eldest) for his test if that is easier for you but if you won’t allow (youngest) to stay too then I will bring (eldest) back to you after I drop (youngest) off at * or his lateral flow test if you would prefer me to take him.

@EarringsandLipstick I am undergoing counselling. My ex won't give permission for my boys to have any such support.

My ex won't give permission for my boys to have any such support

Does he need to? I'm in Ireland, but while my ex had to be informed by the counsellor, his consent wasn't required.

Look, just go forward with legal steps.

Re the email, I don't see the control (in the latest one).

Say what you agree to, under the terms of your present arrangement. If he wants anything different, let him go back to court.

You are doing as you do in all your threads, sadly. Answering points put to you selectively, and not taking on board what's said.

Obviously many posters here won't have read your other threads (different UN).

I'm sympathetic to your situation. But you've been advised about building your relationship with your son, addressing your problematic current relationship & to stop reacting to your ex & document & go the legal route & you ignore that advice.

@EarringsandLipstick I have been told I MUST try to compromise with him and I need to demonstrate that. Hence the attempt. But it is not good enough for him.

Yes we have joint PR so need his consent for therapy. For example, one year he said no to our youngest having the flu vaccine so they could not give him it.

The bit about separating the boys is utter bs. My youngest often goes to my parents for a sleepover and never once mentions his brother!!!

And as I have said, it IS going to court.

Ok, your situation in the UK seems completely different to mine (in Ireland) so I can't offer much further advice.

I'll only say - just reply saying what you're happy to do, in line with arrangements & then wait for court.

Hmmm perhaps you could agree to increased contact on the grounds that he attends weekly specialist counselling/therapy for a minimum of 2 years...

If your eldest attends and doesn't make use of it that is fine all you are saying is that he gets an hour per week of safe independent space to talk about the situation or anything else he wishes to! I think mediation and the courts would look negatively on him refusing it.

I suppose I would be stipulating that you stick to court order until the new arrangements have been agreed at mediation and signed off by court.

@RandomMess Thank you. He has said in mediation unless I agree to the three extra days per week with him then he'll see me in court.

You can offer an alternative of one extra day. This gives him the option to "compromise" to two.

Of course he won't compromise he just bullies but you can show that you made an alternate offer and he refused to compromise.

You can even say "you aren't willing to compromise from 3 days? Are you willing to compromise on him seeing a counsellor?"

If he refuses when it goes to court then it will be documented that he refused to compromise.

@RandomMess But the problem is the impact two extra days with his dad will have; more control and maintenance claims, but moreover I would lose my sons more and more. Quite possibly to the point where I would hardly see them at all.

I agree but I thought you said you had been told that you had to compromise or was it just that you had to go to mediation?

Offer him an extra day every other week in return for DS getting counselling?

I was on your previous threads—for those who haven’t read them, there is a hell of a lot of background to these, so saying things like “go fight him in court!” Is deeply deeply unhelpful when you don’t know the context.

He is being annoying, I think in this case the best solution is to just take the two of them either way as a package deal, make a decision which way to do it. Generally try to avoid situations where an issue like this can arise. Continue to cooperate with the mediation and take this seriously, while staying calm and focusing your efforts on getting your home situation as stable as possible. I hope your fiancé is behaving now

Last 4 or so pages of this for context:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4163053-To-think-this-is-financial-abuse-control?msgid=105022762#105022762

Just an update...

I could honestly cry with relief at this small victory. I didn't sleep all night with worry and I've been feeling really sick all morning.

My lad has come home after his test very happily. He and his little sister were hugely excited to see one another and he immediately picked her up and gave her a cuddle. I guess for most people this is their "normal" but it hasn't been for us in a very long time. We've had a lovely chat and I made him a cuppa before he has started his schoolwork.

I am so proud of my boy ❤

Just stand your ground.

To be honest it doesn't matter how much the kids "hate" you now for enforcing the court order, they will see it differently as adults.

Whatever you do there will be a narrative. If you dont enforce it now the story woll be that you didn't care enough to fight for them xx