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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair?

67 replies

Bulliedandtired · 05/03/2021 22:14

I really need some help. It's very complicated but my (controlling) ex and I have shared care 50/50 of our two boys for seven years (court enforced). They are now 10 and 13. I have a 9 month-old daughter with my fiancé.

Just before baby was born and in the middle of Covid my eldest suddenly went from being close with me to allegedly "hating" me and never wanting to see me again. I was a "fucking c*" etc.

My ex is once again taking me back to court for further custody. We had a mediation session last week in which he basically bullied me and said unless I agreed to the eldest staying with him three more days a week he would see me in court. Didn't mention the youngest whom I have never had any issues with. He loves being with me.

Despite this I said I was prepared to compromise.

I sent this email...

Re (eldest). Either time you suggested is fine with me. Alternatively, as this is an unusual week with (eldest) not returning to school until Tuesday I would, on this particular occasion, be happy for (eldest) to remain with you until Tuesday if he wishes (with you dropping to school Tuesday and me picking up). See what (eldest) thinks, if you would be happy with this. I will collect (youngest) from school as usual on Monday.

He then replies:

I have spoken to both boys, (eldest) is keen to stay but (youngest) wants to also and thinks it is not fair that is allowed and he is not so I think either they both stay the extra day or comes back to you at 9am or after me taking him to the test.

Regards

*

I'm so tired of this game playing.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 12:47

@Youllbeoldertoo It's been 7 years of further abuse and over £40k in legal fees. So I don't feel I'm being defeatist but I do feel nobody understands whst ex is doing and putting a stop to it. There is only so much a human being can take.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 06/03/2021 12:48

I’ll be picking up ds2 as previously arranged and I’ll discuss it with him then. Going forward we’ll stick with the current court order with us as equal parents. Teenage years added notoriously challenging and ds1 is testing our boundaries. It’s important we provide him with a stable home in which he knows the time with each of us is set and clear and that he can’t outsmart or control us. Hope we can work together on this to provide him a united parenting base.

Make it all about what’s best for dc - which is his mum in his life and clear boundaries. Boys test for unconditional love. If you say okay go to dad you are suggesting you don’t love him unconditionally. This is a common test in insecure boys in afraid.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 12:53

@m0therofdragons That is exactly what my fiancé said. Collect DS2 and see if he's OK with letting DS1 staying an extra night. Which I know he will be. He stays on his own with his grandparents for sleepovers with no probs at all - he bloody loves it in fact!
Then not attempting to compromise again because it just causes issues.
I know he will go mental me in mediation though and the mediators will say well why couldn't I have just let both boys stay an extra night?

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 06/03/2021 13:00

Then you say that due to ex’s manipulation and control you don’t feel it’s helpful to flex the court arrangement but you can see 1:1 for ds1 would be beneficial right now for him and your dc well-being is your priority.

m0therofdragons · 06/03/2021 13:02

Op, I have a friend going through similar bullshit and is really important you don’t engage. Stick to factual best for dc comments and keep all conversations saved.

PicsInRed · 06/03/2021 13:07

Only approximately 7+ and 4+ years to go until the boys are 18. You're on the home stretch OP.

There was a delightful thread a while back from a woman whose ex tried to threaten to take custody in literally days (a week?) before her son turned 18. Her son had learned first hand what his father was like and abusive ex had lost the war. The OP was having a great laigh over ex's now empty pathetic threats.

If you can find it, it's an inspiration. Flowers

PicsInRed · 06/03/2021 13:09

You dont have to agree to mediation. You must attend a MIAM, at which you explain domestic violence (coercive control) as the reason that mediation is not appropriate. They may try to convince you, just stick firm, they'll sign the form and it's in the court's hands.

Sittingonabench · 06/03/2021 13:12

What’s in the best interest of the children isn’t always what they want. I would go back to court, mediation only works if it is entered into in good faith and it seems you don’t think he is. It also seems he is quite good at manipulating the situation to get the most compromise from you.

LadyCatStark · 06/03/2021 13:13

Just tell him to send your oldest back to you after the test then. That’s probably what he wants anyway.

Youllbeoldertoo · 06/03/2021 13:17

@Bulliedandtired

You don’t seem to want advice, just a woe is me thread. Your boys are with fighting for. I hope you can see that eventually even if it costs another 40k.

Good luck op.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 13:18

@PicsInRed We all had to see a Consultant Psychologist who said we had to have mediation and family therapy. It was quite frankly terrifying. He said the kids didn't want to be with me because I have "mental issues" (the psychologist said I was terrified of rejection and so have an insecure attachment style). He got cross and said that unless I allow the boys to be with him three extra days per week he will have no option but to take me back to court. The mediators asked him if he could identify one thing he could do differently as a parent to make things better for the boys and he refused to answer it. He told the Psychologist he was "Superdad."

OP posts:
Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 13:20

@Youllbeoldertoo I am doing absolutely everything in my power. Sadly I am getting nowhere with any of the "professionals".

OP posts:
Youllbeoldertoo · 06/03/2021 13:22

@Bulliedandtired good it wasn’t coming across like that. Keep fighting, don’t let him win. Am I right in thinking you were considering not going through with your pregnancy because your ex was turning your boys against you? Don’t let this man control your life!

RandomMess · 06/03/2021 13:22

It's horrifying that you are forced to do mediation with your abuser.

You need to stand firm. You know your youngest will want to come home so pick him up.

I suppose ultimately I'd make your ex take it to court. If you give in to him bullying he will just do it more and more. Whatever ends up court ordered it's done and settled (well until he starts it again).

picklemewalnuts · 06/03/2021 13:27

You could, very reasonably, say that the boys benefit from routine. That it is better for changes to be planned ahead rather than spontaneous, as it unsettles them and their sibling.

That way you get to talk to the boys and know what they want ahead of time. Springing changes on you all isn't fair to the boys or to your dd.

Easterbunnygettingready · 06/03/2021 15:29

Ime a judge will take into account the sibling relationships... Stick to your guns with 50/50 op.. Your ds's need chance to build a relationship with the baby... Your ex is just being a cunt... Stand up to him.

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 20:24

@Easterbunnygettingready Thank you. I did try to mention my daughter in mediation but ex shut it down immediately. He won't even say her name and refers to her to the boys as "it" and "the baby". He told the boys she was (and I quote) "Going to be a retard because of my age" (I was 39 when she was born) and that I only ever wanted a girl.
My lads adore her but they have to pretend to their dad that they don't. My eldest in particular is so patient and caring towards her - it melts my heart.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 06/03/2021 20:41

Gather evidence (photos) of all dc together... Courts will be interested in their relationship... And most def in the negativity of your ex towards his dc's sibling...

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 21:38

@Easterbunnygettingready Really helpful advice - thank you so much. I've been taking photos "on the sly" of eldest with his sister (he won't let me take any photos of him and becomes agitated when I do) and of family times.
My boys are just so conflicted. Their dad even told them our baby "wasn't related" to them - I can't work that one out, either!

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 06/03/2021 22:01

My younger dc had a medical issue.. Exh told my dc not to see the baby as it was deformed because I was evil...

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 06/03/2021 22:17

@Easterbunnygettingready That is just horrendous Sad Does he have contact with your dc?

OP posts:
OmniversalSpecies2021 · 07/03/2021 00:51

Taking your eldest child away from you is his way of attacking YOU for daring to move on with somebody else - and having another child.
He's losing his control over you.

I would guess he's been manipulating the eldest child...probably telling him shit about the new baby....to make him feel awful and insecure and 'hate' you.....

Stick to the court order and next time make sure to mention his controlling ways and behaviour....soon your boys will be old enough to decide for themselves who they want to live with and the court will ask them.....and once he's got either of them living with him 'more' he will be after you for maintenance..........

Original poster
Bulliedandtired · 07/03/2021 08:37

@OmniversalSpecies2021 Oh definitely re the maintenance. It's all about financial control too. He's already told my eldest that if he can get maintenance from me he will put it in his trust fund so he can have a nice car for uni.
He also makes a point of going on about the fact that he has five beds and four bathrooms in the former marital home whereas we still are still renting a "shitty" three-bed so boys are best off with him.
He also claims CB for one son despite having to pay it back as he is well over the earnings threshold. He'd rather the government have it than let me use it for our boy.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 07/03/2021 08:47

I think you sound very tired and that's not a great state to make good decisions. Stick to the court order rigidly and do whatever you can to minimise the messages with your ex. I saw a good tip on here once to get problem messages to go into a separate email/phone and only deal with them at specific times.

The vocab used for your daughter is beyond disgusting.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/03/2021 08:52

Bullied as per the many other times you've posted, why don't you address this properly, with your solicitor & via court?

If your ex carries on like this (as he has in front of the mediator), he'll be swiftly dealt with.

Meanwhile please focus on getting support for you & your DS. You shy away from that situation all the time, and it urgently needs addressing.

Finally, have things improved with your current partner, as that was greatly worrying when you posted before?