13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.

[Plzholdmyhandforamin]

Well over a decade ago when I was 13 (possibly coming up to 14, I don't remember the month) I was pursued by one of my parents neighbours who knew exactly how old I was.

He was a man in his 20's living with his partner of a similar age and their small child.

He groomed me which resulted in him taking me to his house when his partner was away, I won't go into details but my OP says it all.

It wasn't until I got older that I realised what exactly it was.

A few years ago he tracked me down on Facebook and sent me a message asking if I still live nearby. I pretended not to know who he was as I was hoping he would incriminate himself and he did. He said he was the neighbour who slept with me "from number 3"

I replied "oh yes I remember now, I was 13"

He acknowledged that and carried on messaging, asking for my number and being a pest. I blocked him. He was married to a different woman at this point and had more children.

I didn't feel able to do much about it but every now and then it comes back to me and I feel sad/angry.

I'd only ever told one other person, until today.

I spoke to somebody today who knows him and their automatic reaction was to blame me and say I must have chased him (not true) even if i did what the fuck - and that it's not right to blame him when he was young himself, mid 20's isn't young in my book. 13 is young. They harped on about how he has ADHD and has had problems, poor him.

She went on to say she slept with loads of older blokes when she was in her teens and it was just the done thing. I pointed out that actually if she was having sex with men in their 20's when she was 13 then she was being abused, not having sex.

I wish I didn't say anything now as if that's the response I get from another woman, what would be the point in talking to anybody else.

AIBU to still believe this wasn't my fault?

I've taken my Facebook page down just incase there's any backlash, if his own wife thinks like that then I'm sure she'll have no problem telling her friends about my message.

Thank you all for telling me it's not my fault. The town I grew up in is full of people like him and her who have those attitudes toward young girls.

Not your fault. I suspect she is trying to feel better about herself.
You have evidence from this man he knew you were 13. You can still report him to the police if you wanted to.

Of course its not your fault Op. Even if you had pursued him, even if you had laid on his bed naked he still abused you

However I think you are expecting his wife to process too much too quickly. You are expecting her to acknowledge and come to terms with the fact that a) she was abused by multiple men and b) her husband is an abuser all over Facebook message with a stranger. That's never going to happen.

It sounds like she had a very traumatic childhood, and was vulnerable. Thinking you were the one in charge is classic grooming, and its also a protective mechanism so you don't have to think negatively of those experiences. Often at 13 we think of ourselves as sexy and powerful and its only when you look back you realise you were a child. If someone tells you the man you love is an abuser your automatic reaction is to assume they are lying, or are wrong. This doesn't mean with time she won't accept this, but she's not going to do it in 5 minutes over Facebook messenger with you. It was him who abused you, he is the one you should focus on and be angry with, not her.

Even if a girl was like that it still makes him a pedo and a groomer - _- because an adult should know its wrong and say no!

I don't think I have ever seen a 100% consensus on an am I being unreasonable poll before

Good idea taking down FB. I would take down any other social media as well. Rape Crisis, call them op, they will give good confidential advice.

rapecrisis.org.uk/

Perhaps its a leap, perhaps its not - but would his own children now be at risk if he is a paedophile? If he can easily break one of society's strong taboo's (sex with a minor) perhaps he can break another?

It sounds like she had a very traumatic childhood, and was vulnerable. Thinking you were the one in charge is classic grooming, and its also a protective mechanism so you don't have to think negatively of those experiences. Often at 13 we think of ourselves as sexy and powerful and its only when you look back you realise you were a child. If someone tells you the man you love is an abuser your automatic reaction is to assume they are lying, or are wrong. This doesn't mean with time she won't accept this, but she's not going to do it in 5 minutes over Facebook messenger with you. It was him who abused you, he is the one you should focus on and be angry with, not her.

I do agree with you. I'm not actually angry at her, just shocked that she was so blase. I can understand to an extent, so I don't think she's anywhere near as bad as him, it just stung getting that response from a fellow woman and mother. I don't wish her any ill will, quite the opposite.

Perhaps its a leap, perhaps its not - but would his own children now be at risk if he is a paedophile? If he can easily break one of society's strong taboo's (sex with a minor) perhaps he can break another?

Honestly that was the deciding factor in me messaging her, that it's possible (not saying likely - but possible)

You were groomed, it was rape... 100%not your fault. You should report him and consider counselling... sending you a big hug my lovely 💐

I know how difficult it would be for you to report him but you have some evidence in those messages and the police would take it very seriously. He could have done this to other young girls or even still be doing this now. If he is contacting you being a pest god knows what else he is up to!

(a) I don't believe that you chased him. But also

(b) I really hate the idea that in a situation where a child of 13 has an obvious crush on a man in his 20s, it could ever be her fault if something did happen.

Pre-teens and young teens develop crushes on older people. It's a normal part of growing up. It doesn't make them predatory, it makes them vulnerable. Older people who act on those crushes are abusers.

I think I may be a bit older than you but I had a friend who was "going out with" a man in his mid 20s at 15. All of the adults around her knew about it and the general narrative was that she was old beyond her years, knew exactly what she was doing etc. I didn't question it much at the time as I was a kid myself but looking back it sickens me that a child could be so far in over her head and everyone around her could just ignore it because she was good at putting make up on and had quite a confident front.

I am in a friendship group where one person growing up used to boast about the sexual activity that she was engaging in with much older men. I joined the group much later than the others who were at school with her and they were still resentful of it, but they did listen when I asked whether as adults they could see now that she had had a massively dysfunctional and neglectful family and was actually being abused on a number of different fronts. Let's hope that if this woman talks to someone else about her "friend" she'll get a different perspective from someone who's not emotionally invested in defending him.

Report him to the police.

How do you know he is or hasn’t done this to other underage girls.

Even if you don’t want to follow it through, it will be on his file and if someone else reports the same thing will massively strengthen their case.

I hope you are able to report him.

As for his wife, I'm surprised you're surprised at her reaction.

Imagine the father of your 3 kids being prosecuted for sex offences. She simply doesn't want that, I doubt she cares what happens to him either way but sees trying to dissuade you from reporting as self preservation.

If she wasn't the one that was married to him she'd agree with you I'm sure.

Don't act on the basis of her replies, they're not representative of what others will think.

Whatever you do next is your decision.

However, just remember, you were a child. No one is going to question whether you consented, because you couldn't have. Not really. You were a child and therefore incapable of giving informed consent. The law presumes that an adult sleeping with a child is taking advantage of the child.

You also have a screenshot in which he admits what he did. The police will be able to prove when and where that message was sent, and check where he was at the time. We're in lockdown. Chances are that the message was sent from his home when he was there.

Things are looking pretty good for you being believed by the police.

I'm sorry that the woman you approached didn't give you the instant validation you deserved, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be listened to, your story believed, and something done about this man.

You hold all the power right now. You get to decide what happens next.

You'd have a good case if you went to the police. He has incriminated himself with that message, it's worth getting a screenshot.

I wish I didn't say anything now as if that's the response I get from another woman, what would be the point in talking to anybody else.
Women can be the worst victim blamers.

Your experience is an inconvenience to her. She doesn’t want the man she was married to and has children to be known as a rapist/ child abuser, so she blamed you.

For some strange reason society generally, where women/ girls are concerned, see men as victims.

For some strange reason society generally, where women/ girls are concerned, see men as victims

Indeed. She went out of her way to paint him as a victim.

He has ADHD and has struggled with his MH
He uses to drink alot
He's having counselling for childhood trauma

She also said girls at that age (13) are alot more mature than their male counterparts, which may well be, but we're talking about a grown man in his 20's who was settled down with a woman his age, a house and a child.

At 13 I had a pink bedroom with wall stickers and was yet to get rid of my bratz dolls. I was in school.

The mind boggles.

Statutory rape and you can (and should) report it.

@Plzholdmyhandforamin what you went though is abuse. You were a child. He was an adult likely twice your age. He is a predator and it is also worrying he is a father.

For you, please get counselling from someone with skills in this area. I think you could also speak to the counsellor when you are ready about what reporting may look and feel like. It may be something you want to do for you.

You are strong and resilient. I'm so glad you are getting support here.

Nothing that happen was even remotely your fault. He was an adult and you were a child, he was 100% to blame. This is something that was done to you, not something that you did.

You can do something about this now.

It was a crime that he committed against you.

The courts now take historic sex offences seriously.

You have his confession online (DON’T delete those messages!) and if you go to the police and make a statement, you will be supported sympathetically.

It’s not like the old days when your statement would be taken by a sceptical male police officer.

Your proof may well lead to him having to plead guilty preventing a trial altogether.

If he had a taste for young teenagers then he may still have it now, and others may come out of the woodwork.

You will have lifelong anonymity as a complainant so none of your friends and family need know if you go through with it.

It was not your fault.

Men like this rely on their victims keeping quiet. You could be one of his many silent victims.
Never, ever think you were to blame.

You were so young and were groomed, please don't feel you are in any way to blame. He is and still will be a sex offender and, while I can't imagine how hard it has been for you since and at the time, his behaviour will not have changed. The police have specialist teams to help victims of abusers and you will be believed and supported. As long as he has access to girls he will pose a risk to them. If you look at children (and that is what they are) of 13 I think you will remember just how young they are and how much your abuser, who was an adult and parent, was completely at fault. Please don't think most people would respond as the person you told; you were badly let down by them.

There're several responses to fear @Plzholdmyhandforamin. The commonly known fight or flight but there's also freeze,collapse and fawn. It sounds as though the woman you disclosed your experience to could have been in the fawn category. I know this doesn't help with your disclosure experience but it may help in future.