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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.

100 replies

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 21:54

Well over a decade ago when I was 13 (possibly coming up to 14, I don't remember the month) I was pursued by one of my parents neighbours who knew exactly how old I was.

He was a man in his 20's living with his partner of a similar age and their small child.

He groomed me which resulted in him taking me to his house when his partner was away, I won't go into details but my OP says it all.

It wasn't until I got older that I realised what exactly it was.

A few years ago he tracked me down on Facebook and sent me a message asking if I still live nearby. I pretended not to know who he was as I was hoping he would incriminate himself and he did. He said he was the neighbour who slept with me "from number 3"

I replied "oh yes I remember now, I was 13"

He acknowledged that and carried on messaging, asking for my number and being a pest. I blocked him. He was married to a different woman at this point and had more children.

I didn't feel able to do much about it but every now and then it comes back to me and I feel sad/angry.

I'd only ever told one other person, until today.

I spoke to somebody today who knows him and their automatic reaction was to blame me and say I must have chased him (not true) even if i did what the fuck - and that it's not right to blame him when he was young himself, mid 20's isn't young in my book. 13 is young. They harped on about how he has ADHD and has had problems, poor him.

She went on to say she slept with loads of older blokes when she was in her teens and it was just the done thing. I pointed out that actually if she was having sex with men in their 20's when she was 13 then she was being abused, not having sex.

I wish I didn't say anything now as if that's the response I get from another woman, what would be the point in talking to anybody else.

AIBU to still believe this wasn't my fault?

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 05/03/2021 23:21

Wow. That was a very brave thing, to do. Her being so invested in him. I'm not surprised she reacted as she did. She has a different view of who he is, maybe he even wouldn't behave that way, but she will have to reconcile to what he did, and so who he is, at some point. I can5 imagine someone less close and dependent on him would deny your experience the same way.

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:22

@PearTreeBoat

I really don't understand anyone who can stay with a man who even thinks that sleeping with a 13 year old is in any way ok net alone staying with a man who actually did it.
A woman who is in denial about her own abuse It seems Sad

I think PP had it right when she said that if this woman (the wife) blamed him then she'd also have to blame the men who took advantage of her in similar circumstances and it's too painful to face, so she's happier to live under the facade that it's not abuse.

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 05/03/2021 23:24

Well abusers seek out vulnerable partners. He obviously found one in her.

thisgardenlife · 05/03/2021 23:25

Please report him to the Police.

The response of those you have talked to is horrifying.

You were a young girl who was groomed and abused, and I believe if you report it you will be treated with respect by the Police.

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:26

@B33Fr33

Wow. That was a very brave thing, to do. Her being so invested in him. I'm not surprised she reacted as she did. She has a different view of who he is, maybe he even wouldn't behave that way, but she will have to reconcile to what he did, and so who he is, at some point. I can5 imagine someone less close and dependent on him would deny your experience the same way.
I don't feel very brave, I feel humiliated if anything.

I don't think I would have sent it had I not moved so far away so that I can't be assaulted again or worse.

Her profile picture is her, him and three children smiling. It's like a punch in the stomach. I would absolutely want to know if I were her, but then I would have reacted completely differently.

OP posts:
flakymate · 05/03/2021 23:28

I would ask her if she’s okay with a 25 year old man going after her daughter’s name then

She’s in denial because she married and had kids with a nonce

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:30

Some of her messages, I've had to crop out parts that are identifying.

13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.
13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.
OP posts:
Ilovenutellaaaaa · 05/03/2021 23:32

Op go and screenshot the messages...I think it's possible for messages to be deleted, and if she alerts him to your conversation he might delete the messages he sent you....screenshot it and save a few copies ..

He is a paedophile...he had sex with you when you were a 13 year old child , and at 13 you were way below the legal age of consent, which makes what he did a crime and rape and child abuse....the worst part op is he could still be doing it to other little girls...I hope you find the bravery and strength to know this wasn't your fault and that this scumbag paedophile deserves to be reported to the police...

Op if you feel others around you wouldn't be supportive, just don't tell them, you don't owe an explanation to anybody about this....

I hope you etc some counselling too opFlowers

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:41

Thank you all.

I have screenshots of my conversation with him so even if he deletes it on his end it won't go away.

I'll revisit the possibility of reporting him in the near future when I have the headspace. I've got alot going on atm that needs to take priority. I haven't and won't forget about it though.

I'm reading over everything his wife has said and it's just shocking tbh. If I received that info about anybody i was married to I would never respond in that way.

She's strongly hinting at him having been abused himself, I think. Like that makes it any better.

13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.
13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.
OP posts:
Kendodd · 05/03/2021 23:42

Op, stop talking to his associates about this, it'll get you nowhere. Do not share evidence with them, they will warn him and that could undermine any case against him. Seek professional advice from the police or rape crisis.

MollysMummy2010 · 05/03/2021 23:43

Please report him now. That’s abuse and rape. Nothing less and not your fault.

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:45

@Kendodd

Op, stop talking to his associates about this, it'll get you nowhere. Do not share evidence with them, they will warn him and that could undermine any case against him. Seek professional advice from the police or rape crisis.
I agree.

This was earlier on, I'm not talking to her now nor will I again.

I have pictures of his previous messages so even if he does delete them on his end they won't go away completely.

OP posts:
Kendodd · 05/03/2021 23:45

I'm reading over everything his wife has said and it's just shocking

Ignore anything his wife says. Don't communicate with her anymore.

Berthatydfil · 05/03/2021 23:49

Of course it wasn’t your fault

thenewduchessofhastings · 06/03/2021 00:02

@Plzholdmyhandforamin

Firstly let's use the correct terminology for your former neighbour;it's peadophile.

This peadophile groomed you.He was a adult;you were an underage child.His difficulties in life didn't give him the right to engage in sexual activity with a child.

This partner of his at the time was deluded.If I discovered in my mid twenties my partner was sexually abusing a underage teenage child I'd have been down the police station.

WannabemoreWeaver · 06/03/2021 00:10

I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find some counselling to help you work through this. You have every right to be angry and you are quite right that blaming you was the easier option for her - it is just crummy behaviour.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/03/2021 00:24

Not your fault OP. Might be worth reporting as you have such clear evidence. Back it up just in case you ever lose your FB account.
This kind of thing was so common not so long ago but it was still very wrong.
Flowers

namitynamechange · 06/03/2021 00:38

I was going to say that it sounds like the person you told had their own issues which would have altered how they reacted. Seeing your updates and her messages then it is very clear that not only is she probably unable to admit that what had happened to you was abuse because then she would have to admit that her own experiences were abuse, but also very heavily wedded to the idea that she has "fixed" him. God knows what else was going on with him/their relationship that needed "fixing" but that honestly isnt your problem. I think you are right not to want to contact her again. Also, I assume she is a similar age to you (since she talks about knowing what girls were like then) which means she is probably a lot younger than him now Envy

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 06/03/2021 01:01

You absolutely were groomed and it was a criminal act. Make no doubt about it, it was NOT your fault.

Before I knew that the person you told was his wife, I was going to say that the only crumb I could offer is that the 'teen girl predator' narrative was very common when I was young - the Bill Wyman/Mandy Smith affect it was when I was a teen. It was and is a pervasive and damaging myth used by men to excuse their disgusting behaviour towards teenage girls. Now I know you were talking to his wife... I suspect she is too invested in this being your fault to ever give you the closure you're seeking from her. Don't message her again. Seek counselling for yourself. Think about reporting, if you feel you possibly can. Even a visit from the police might put a rocket up this disgusting abuser's arse.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 06/03/2021 07:28

OP I know it's unanimous but can I just add another voice to the crowd saying it was not your fault 💐

Don't concern yourself with the person you told, sounds like she cannot deal with this horrendous revelation about something he did.

SeeYouInAnotherLife · 06/03/2021 07:33

It wasn’t your fault at all and I am so very sorry that the first person you confided in had such a terrible victim blaming reaction.

You were a child who was groomed and then sexually abused by a predator. He is disgusting and the blame lies wholly and utterly at his feet.

I’m sorry you went through this OP.

georgarina · 06/03/2021 07:39

I'm so sorry OP. There's absolutely no way it was your fault.

People still have backwards ideas about these things and blame the woman. (TW) I was once violently assaulted by a friend of a friend whom I had never met before, and everyone I told blamed me: mainly just in a 'that's what happens, that's what men are like, you must have encouraged it, you must not have been guarding yourself well enough' way.

But it's not right and he deserves to be punished.

MeadowViews · 06/03/2021 07:44

The man that did this to you is a predator. He knew exactly what he was doing and you were abused. No uncertainty there, whatsoever.

Sadly I have a very similar experience of being groomed and raped, I needed counselling years and years later to come to terms with it.

If it's something you feel would benefit you, definitely consider therapy.

BonnieDundee · 06/03/2021 08:00

The person who tried to blame me is a mother of little girls herself, it beggars belief really.

That is so.worrying. if the same happened to them and they turned to their mother for help Sad

Not your fault at all OP. I have a relative who was in a very similar situation and the man went to prison (as he should.have)

Tomcullenisahero · 06/03/2021 08:00

I think you were very brave contacting her and I'm astonished at her response.
I agree that he should be reported, he could still be doing it now to others especially if his OH seems to turn a blind eye and make excuses. I hope his own kids are safe.
I hope you are okay, I think you're brave x

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