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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

13/14 year old girl is pursued by (and sleeps with) man in his 20's, the girl gets the blame.

100 replies

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 21:54

Well over a decade ago when I was 13 (possibly coming up to 14, I don't remember the month) I was pursued by one of my parents neighbours who knew exactly how old I was.

He was a man in his 20's living with his partner of a similar age and their small child.

He groomed me which resulted in him taking me to his house when his partner was away, I won't go into details but my OP says it all.

It wasn't until I got older that I realised what exactly it was.

A few years ago he tracked me down on Facebook and sent me a message asking if I still live nearby. I pretended not to know who he was as I was hoping he would incriminate himself and he did. He said he was the neighbour who slept with me "from number 3"

I replied "oh yes I remember now, I was 13"

He acknowledged that and carried on messaging, asking for my number and being a pest. I blocked him. He was married to a different woman at this point and had more children.

I didn't feel able to do much about it but every now and then it comes back to me and I feel sad/angry.

I'd only ever told one other person, until today.

I spoke to somebody today who knows him and their automatic reaction was to blame me and say I must have chased him (not true) even if i did what the fuck - and that it's not right to blame him when he was young himself, mid 20's isn't young in my book. 13 is young. They harped on about how he has ADHD and has had problems, poor him.

She went on to say she slept with loads of older blokes when she was in her teens and it was just the done thing. I pointed out that actually if she was having sex with men in their 20's when she was 13 then she was being abused, not having sex.

I wish I didn't say anything now as if that's the response I get from another woman, what would be the point in talking to anybody else.

AIBU to still believe this wasn't my fault?

OP posts:
Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 22:22

@FireflyRainbow

Same thing happened to me OP I'd just had my 14th bday. I have a 14 year old and it's just disgusting to think of. Report him.
I'm so sorry, I hope you have found peace Flowers

Whenever it comes back to me I toy with the idea of reporting him, I lead him into making that confession as I always thought that one day I would and so the evidence would be great to have, it just knocks my confidence to know that some people would see it as me being to blame.

The police wouldn't see it that way I'm sure.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 05/03/2021 22:24

Op I'm so sorry you've experienced such abuse and such dreadful reactions, which are absolutely unacceptable.

I think if you were to report this to the police they would take it very seriously. Regardless of your decision, take screenshots of the conversation in which he acknowledged it and keep copies in safe places - both physical hard copies, print outs, and soft copies saved to USB drives.

I also recommend you call Rape Crisis and have a chat with them, they'll listen and will also be able to advise you as to your options and talk things through more clearly.

You absolutely did not deserve it, did not ask for it and it was in no way your fault. You were a child, which makes him a paedophile.

His then partner and your mutual acquaintance should be deeply ashamed of themselves, although I wonder if in the latter's case her reaction is down to denial - if she accepted you were the victim of grooming and abuse then she'd need to accept she may have been too.

There's no pressure whatsoever as to which choice you make going forward.
Remember that if you choose not to now, you might change your mind in the future so make sure you keep the evidence backed up and safe.

If you would like to consider reporting him, then there is support and advice available to you.

Flowers
PearTreeBoat · 05/03/2021 22:25

I went through something similar, being what I now know to be sexually abused, by a 30 something year old when I was 13/14.

I have spent the last 30 years blaming myself for it. I was also raped twice in my late teens, again I never called it that as I was told it was all my fault. One of the occasions I was asleep and woke up to a "friend" having sex with me and yet still this was supposedly my fault as I must have flirted with him at some point earlier in the evening.

I am now about to start EMDR as part of my trauma therapy and am finally in a place where I can say this was not my fault.

I have toyed with the idea of reporting to the police but in the end I decided against it as the likelihood of getting a positive outcome just isn't there.

The most important thing for me is being able to accept it for what it was and learning coping techniques so that it isn't constantly at the forefront of my mind making me believe I am worthless.

I have spent too many years of my life letting this past abuse define who I am and preventing me from even likening myself.

I know counselling doesn't work for everyone but please don't be put off finding somebody you can talk it all through with because of one persons ignorance to what absolutely was rape.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/03/2021 22:27

"I spoke to somebody today who knows him and their automatic reaction was to blame me and say I must have chased him (not true) even if i did what the fuck - and that it's not right to blame him when he was young himself, mid 20's isn't young in my book. 13 is young. They harped on about how he has ADHD and has had problems, poor him."

"She went on to say she slept with loads of older blokes when she was in her teens and it was just the done thing. I pointed out that actually if she was having sex with men in their 20's when she was 13 then she was being abused, not having sex."

Yes, she was also being abused. And I'd guess her way of dealing with that is to deny to herself that it was abuse. Because if she were to acknowledge that it was abuse, it might break herSad. And that's why she tells you that it was all your choice; because if it wasn't your choice then it wasn't hers either, and she can't handle that.

I would definitely consider going to the police about him.

ChloeCrocodile · 05/03/2021 22:33

it just knocks my confidence to know that some people would see it as me being to blame.

Unfortunately some people are dickheads, and some are just unable to process their own abuse. Whatever their reasoning, they are simply wrong. Both legally and morally.

Definitely look in to counselling. It might help you to figure out if reporting is something you want to pursue.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/03/2021 22:34

This happened to someone I worked with, he got off with it because she was said to have "led him on" She was 13! This was only as recently as the early 2000's

Her story utterly horrified me, she was preyed upon by a family friend at a large party, and EVERYONE blamed her afterwards despite the fact she was a schoolgirl who had barely started her periods.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/03/2021 22:35

Thanks for you OP

LarryWasAHappyChap · 05/03/2021 22:35

I'm so sorry, of course YANBU, nothing that happened was your fault and you did nothing wrong.
You don't have to make any decisions now.
That woman was vile to say that.

Kendodd · 05/03/2021 22:39

it just knocks my confidence to know that some people would see it as me being to blame.
It doesn't matter what you did or didnt do, you were a child and he was an adult man in his 20s. There is NOTHING a 13 year old can do to even consent to this never mind ask for it, doesn't matter if a child does a pole dance to entice an adult, the adult is 100% in charge.

IsThisNews · 05/03/2021 22:44

Not your fault at all. AT ALL. Screen shot the confession and report to police. There have been a lot of historical mistakes in this area previously, but there is a lot more training for police to handle this sensitively and as well as investigating the offences, they should be able to help you access counselling services too.

Mysteriousmysteries · 05/03/2021 22:47

A 13 year old child is never to blame. Even if you were sexully promiscuous ( not saying you were), a 20 odd year old adult has the responsibility to reject any advances and recognise it is not right to engage in any kind of sexual activity with a CHILD as classified by law; the age of sexual consent being 16 in the UK. Even then the key word here is consent, not "16 so I can do what I like". Makes me sick that anyone could say a child lead them on, especially from one at the beginning of hormonal surges. Vile disgusting creeps.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/03/2021 22:50

Of course it wasn't your fault. He's a vile Paedo and she's a vile Paedo lover.
Angry

gingganggooleywotsit · 05/03/2021 22:56

Similar thing happened to me op when I was 14 and he was 21. It’s horrible when you grow up and look back..you can see how manipulative they were..

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 22:56

PearTreeBoat I'm so sorry for what you have been through, I think you're incredibly brave (in a totally un-patronizing way) for taking such a huge step in having EMDR. I've had EMDR for something unrelated and it's gruelling but so worth it. I hope you benefit from it as much as I did. You (and others here who have been on the receiving end of bastard men) deserve peace Flowers

Wow it's unanimous. Thank you all. I really really appreciate this.

Since becoming an adult I have always felt that I was taken advantage of and he was in the wrong, but because I don't openly talk about it I only had my gut feeling (and common sense ofc) to go by.

I'm aware that there are some dickheads (well put PP) that would still blame the child in these situations, it's people like that who contribute to victims not wanting to step forward.

I'm not sure I could report it now, I have too much going on in my life at the moment, but I will reconsider in future and I'll definitely get some counselling.

OP posts:
Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:00

@gingganggooleywotsit

Similar thing happened to me op when I was 14 and he was 21. It’s horrible when you grow up and look back..you can see how manipulative they were..
I'm so sorry ging, what a bastard.

You're absolutely spot on, it's awful when you grow up and look back. It makes me feel quite sick.

I have a DD myself and can't bare the thought of that happening to her. I just know that I'll be overbearing when she reaches that age. Some men cannot be trusted at all.

I hope you have found peace Flowers

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/03/2021 23:02

I'm really sorry OP.

The guy groomed you and abused you. Its very brave of you to speak about it now - well done.

rainbowninja · 05/03/2021 23:03

It's all been said but you were a child OP and he was in the wrong, your anger is completely justified

Kendodd · 05/03/2021 23:06

A 13 year old child is never to blame. Even if you were sexully promiscuous
No such thing as a sexually promiscuous 13 year old, that is an abused child, nothing else.

I know the previous poster didn't mean anything by it but I just needed to point that out.

RandomMess · 05/03/2021 23:07

My youngest is 15 OMG she is so vulnerable and young still.

Please report him you have evidence, he probably still thinks it's ok to groom under age girls and may well still be doing it.

Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:09

The person who I told was his current wife, with whom he has children Sad

OP posts:
Plzholdmyhandforamin · 05/03/2021 23:13

I sent her the screenshots I mentioned here, from 2016 which he sent despite being married to her at the time.

She doesn't give a single shit.

After blaming me completely she softened a little and said she hopes I find closure, he's not the same person any more and she's "sorted his head out" but she still doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 05/03/2021 23:15

He groomed you. He abused you. He raped you. And then he stalked and harassed you. He is scum.

Psuedoshoes · 05/03/2021 23:16

Never been happier to see 100% yanbu. So sorry OP, you aren't in the slightest to blame here Flowers

PearTreeBoat · 05/03/2021 23:18

I really don't understand anyone who can stay with a man who even thinks that sleeping with a 13 year old is in any way ok net alone staying with a man who actually did it.

postcardfromme · 05/03/2021 23:20

This is NOT your fault. This man is a child abuser - a paedeophile. This woman you spoke with is a sympathiser. It's because of women like her that men get away with this sort of crime.
Please don't ever blame yourself. I can't imagine what you must have been feeling at the time and how haunting this must be for you. Please get support - it may really give you the confidence to put this behind you. You have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel ashamed off Thanks

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