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AIBU?

To feel weird about how my exes partner is referring to our daughter

201 replies

meetmeinarizona · 05/03/2021 20:10

My daughters dad has been with his partner for 3 years, they don't live together and my daughter maybe sees her at a max 4 times a month.

The partner is nice enough and is nice to my daughter and my daughter likes her so that's the main thing.

My best friend used to work with her and so has her on Facebook, she sent me a screenshot earlier and it was a picture of her and my daughter and the caption 'my girl, my everything' and then a few comments on the pic one being 'she's gorgeous Sarah' (fake name) and she responded 'thank you, so proud'.

I just think that's very strange, 1. What is she proud of? 2. You see my daughter once a week, how can she be your 'everything'?

Welcome to be told I'm over sensitive but I'm very close to saying something so need perspective first.

OP posts:

Report

Nith · 05/03/2021 22:51

What exactly would be your complaint?

That she's trying to pretend to be OP's daughter's mother?

That she's plastering photos of OP's daughter all over social media?

LolaSmiles · 05/03/2021 22:58

Nith
That she seems to be professing a frankly odd levels of attachment for a child she isn't related to that she sees a couple of times a month.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2021 22:59

"When looking after my niece and nephew or friends children for the day I may take pictures and send them to their parents (ie proof of life) but I have never posted them on social media. Mum and dad can post them if they want to."

My DB has given me permission to post photos of DN on FB. I would put in the caption somewhere that she's my DN, but even if I didn't, it's unlikely anyone who knows me well would think she was mine. I don't see the issue.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2021 23:01

@jakeyboy1

It's weird. Not the same but I am the only aunt to my nephew. There is some distant cousin who posts on Facebook how proud she is of "her nephew" (my nephew) and that wrankles me so I your situation is 100 times worse!

This is silly. In many families, people say nephew for a cousin's son. First/second cousin x times removed is a bit long.

KILNAMATRA · 05/03/2021 23:03

Could you just say you’d rather your child’s photo was not on social media until she s old enough-to decide she wants to put it there herself?

Gwenhwyfar · 05/03/2021 23:05

"It's really odd behaviour - your DD is in no way 'her' girl, that's really offensive given she has 2 loving and involved parents already."

Does she mean that though. 'My girl' is an expression isn't it?

B33Fr33 · 05/03/2021 23:09

My (step) cousin, some years younger than me, often posts about her step-daughter-to-be in very glowing terms (#blessed, lover her to bits etc). I managed to sound her out on this once, as whilst she can be gushy she is also fairly SM aware . It seems she was so loved and accepted by my uncle that she really wanted to go all out in being as good a step parent as he has been over the years.
My husband is very much a parent to my two daughters and over more than a decade I'd say my ex accepts him as a parent too. He doesn't gush, but he'd happily say he's proud OF THEM when they do well in school etc. I'd probably want to start a dialogue with her about what she is expressing? She has gone past a line, but I think her heart isn't way off.

funinthesun19 · 05/03/2021 23:09

I can guarantee your dd isn’t her everything. (It’s ok for your dd to not be her everything.) So putting that sort of caption on Facebook is cringey.

Something along the lines of:
“Me and my beautiful stepdaughter.” would be so much better. It’s factual, nice and doesn’t have the fakeness attached to it.

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 23:11

It's really odd and I would be very uncomfortable about it, OP, but if your dd likes her, I probably wouldn't rock the boat right now as it might cause bad feeling. I would keep a close eye on the situation, though, in case she oversteps the mark in other ways.

stevalnamechanger · 05/03/2021 23:11

I would pull them both up on it , and also the fact of posting photos

ivfbeenbusy · 05/03/2021 23:13

I'd be inclined to speak to the woman and tell her to dial it back a notch (it's the "my everything" comment which would piss me off more than the "proud" one) and also that she's not to post photos of your child on social media without permission. It's not like she lives with your ex or is even married to him

Lorw · 05/03/2021 23:16

I’d let it go, the more people that love a child the better IMO, as long as she’s happy. I love my step sons and I’d do anything for them, obv I try not to step on any toes but I’m proud of them when they achieve something, I don’t know why that’s considered wrong. I had an amazing step mum growing up and we are now very close, I just tell myself that if I can even be half as much of a good stepmum as she is I’d be happy.

Would people rather stepmums were detached and not bothered? I’m not sure.

IsThisNews · 05/03/2021 23:16

This would definitely irk me.

How old is your daughter?

BigHandsomeBeast · 05/03/2021 23:18

Wow. Too far.

Trekkerbabe · 05/03/2021 23:23

How old is your daughter? Sorry if you already mentioned. Personally I'd hate it if my daughter was being posted on any social media without my explicit permission. Ask her to stop on that basis.

feliciabirthgiver · 05/03/2021 23:25

I can't imagine how difficult for you that must be, but there is nothing better for the well being of your daughter than for her to feel she is the 'everything' of all
of the significant adults in her life. For her sake only suck this one up and promote positive relationships to her.

meetmeinarizona · 05/03/2021 23:25

My daughter is 7

OP posts:

PurpleMustang · 05/03/2021 23:31

Yeah I do think you need to say something to her Dad. If he gets defensive, then sometimes they can't see it for what it is unless it affected them, so suggest if you had a partner that did that, would he be bothered he was passing your child off as his own. It may open his eyes to how you feel.

Chocsmyfav · 05/03/2021 23:37

I think it’s nice, she obviously loves your daughter. I have a step son, he was only 18 months when I met my partner. My stepsons 21 now. But I used to love seeing him every second weekend and taking him on holiday. Baking with him, taking him to the park. I never had kids at the time. Face book wasn’t around. I wouldn’t have posted anything on fb though. God his mum would have sent me a lawyers letter if I did, she hated me.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2021 23:43

@Candyfloss99

I think you are being precious. People can be proud for all sorts of reasons. Would you think it weird if someone said they were proud of their adopted child if someone said they were gorgeous?

Your adopted child is your child. There really is no comparison between your boyfriend's child who you don't even live with and have no legal or parental responsibility for and a child you've adopted who is your family.

BlueThistles · 05/03/2021 23:55

No... I would not be happy about Her using my Child for likes on any social media...

SandyY2K · 05/03/2021 23:56

Anyone who knows her well enough and who knows you well enough obviously knows it's not her daughter.

It's certainly preferable to her tolerating your DD or being indifferent. I'm not saying it wouldn't bother me.

If I had an amicable relationship with my ex and he was a reasonable person, I might raise it with him. I would be uncomfortable and feel it was disrespectful to my DC's dad, if my DP said "my boy" on social media and inferred it was his child.

If you have the kind of Ex who will accuse you of being jealous and fly off the handle, I'd just leave it...for now anyway.

Or broach the subject that only you and he can post photos of your DD on social media. Nobody else.

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Aquathest · 05/03/2021 23:57

I wouldn't like it at all

OP - she clearly didn't ask if she could post a picture of your daughter on social media either so I think she has over stepped the mark quite a bit here.

Yes it's great that she thinks so highly of OPs daughter but boundaries are important too, especially when it concerns children and it sounds like the exes GF needs a polite reminder of this.

Sunhoop · 06/03/2021 00:07

I wouldn't like it either but she's obviously not the sharpest tool in the box and these types often go for men with DC - it's a certain "type" isn't it? If she's nice enough and treats your DD well I'd let it slide. Saying anything would be like kicking a puppy - albeit a stupid puppy that takes an age to house train!

nokidshere · 06/03/2021 00:12

Well she may have got permission from the child's dad to post the picture.

I'm in the fence a bit here. Sounds like you all have a good relationship and that's something to be pleased about given the stories about ex's we hear so often on here.

I also think your friend was shit stirring. There was no need to screenshot and show you the post. Tittle tattle at its best. It plants little seeds and then you will find yourself asking for more and doubting yourself.

If you must do something about it maybe just say to your ex that a friend showed you the post and you are uncomfortable with your daughter being in social media. But I think, on balance, if it were me I'd leave it.

Step parents, however loving, do not replace a parent in the child's eyes. Be pleased that your daughter has another good person in her life.

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