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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cognitive dissonance on MN

119 replies

Wondermule · 05/03/2021 20:09

...is getting worse.

Here is an example I see all the time

Moving from central London to a rural village for the ‘slower pace of life’, then complaining that the village has ‘no culture or diversity’ and a ‘lack of things to do’. Although the villagers are smiley and polite, they ‘haven’t made any lifelong friends’ in the twenty minutes they have been there, and it’s got to the point where they believe the village Illuminati is plotting to ostracise them. They are skint as there is a lack of job variety within a ten minute walk of their house, so they can’t afford to do up the crumbling Victorian wreck they decided to buy. Posters then pile in with ‘omg poor u’ ‘they sound awful’ ‘really feel for you this is me at the moment.’

Well what did you expect? 😂😂

Is it me? 😬

OP posts:
teentipans · 06/03/2021 14:50

What is it when you are not aware?

Wondermule · 06/03/2021 14:55

@teentipans

What is it when you are not aware?
Ignorance
OP posts:
littlepattilou · 06/03/2021 14:59

@Ikora

I am not white and have experienced racism so I know how awful it is first hand. I have lived in London and Birmingham in very diverse areas. I now live in a very white area and it’s fine. I do understand how some posters who are not white may fret about moving to an area where they stand out so ask about areas.

However I really hate the very obvious virtue signalling that goes on when talking about ethnically diverse areas where people, are trying to prove just how totally amazing they are. I have met a few people in my life who I think would like an ethnic mate about as it’s a tick on their leftie credentials list.

Brilliant post.

Regarding your first paragraph; we have 4 Indian families in our village, two of them are mixed (one white partner, and one Indian.) We also have 3 black families, and 2 mixed-race families. I have seen/spoken to all of them at some point, at the pub or Church, or a get together at the Parish hall.

Nearly ALL of them have said at some point that they LOVE it here, and have never had any hatred, racism, or hostility, since they've been here. They have just had smiles and hellos and warmth.

They did say however, that they have experienced plenty of racism and sneers and hostility in towns and suburbs, and even in the cities. Some people automatically assume that 'rural British village' = racists, and it's such bullshit.

Indeed, as has been said, many of the 'right-on' PC lefties who live in towns and cities, are more likely to sneer at non-white communities behind their back(s.) Even though they love to shout about how PC and 'woke' they are.

And, as has been said, these people love the diverse restaurants, and shops, and markets etc, but would clutch their pearls at the thought of living next to the people who run these shops and stalls.

Regarding your second paragraph, I also get soooo bored and pissed off with this liberal-leftie bollocks of people who live in a city, and think they're so PC and 'right-on' if they have several mates who are not white, and sneer at their more suburban and rural mates/colleagues who live in a predominantly white area and know hardly any non-white people.

My DD, and my niece, and a few of their mates, (in their 20s,) know a few leftie, PC, 'woke' people, who put up loads of BLM stuff up on twitter and instagram, and #blm #brexitersarescum and similar shit in their profile blurb.

My niece (22,) recently put something up on twitter (won't say what as it's potentially identifying,) but it was something about a certain 'cult tv' thing, and she had a picture of her posted on there.

She had 3000 'likes,' and 500 retweets, and around 150 replies/posts. Around a quarter of the responses were from black, Asian, and mixed race fans (from all over the world, but mainly from America, Canada, and the UK,) who were praising her and saying she looked great.

Her WHITE, privileged, lower-middle-class friend who has #blm and #taketheknee and #brexitscum and #toryscum on her profile blurb, was incensed. Why? .... She said 'how come you have got so much support from people of colour? I am the one who supports them so much!' with a kind of Hmm look.

She was actually OFFENDED that my niece had got lots of non-white people making positive comments to this young white woman in her cosplay! It took me 10 minutes to stop laughing when my niece told me! What a 'woke' wanker! Grin

MissingLinker · 06/03/2021 15:02

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

You know what is annoying? The over use of the phrase cognitive dissonance on Mumsnet. Nobody ever says it in real life. Do people say it thinking it makes them sound really clever?
It's mostly being used wrongly on this thread but of course people say it in real life (sometimes even correctly). It's a useful descriptor.
NotFabulousDarling · 06/03/2021 15:05

I love the ones where someone goes "AIBU to be ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED AT THEIR UNREASONABLENESS" and they're upset that their DH left a cup in front of the kettle or something, and the first 20 posters come along going LTB then one person goes "hang on, that's preposterous. It's you. YABU" and very slowly the tide turns and you check back and find 37 pages of "YABU WITH BELLS ON".

HighNetGirth · 06/03/2021 15:19

As to the "diversity fans" , I can tell you all that they generally only want us as walk-on extras to their social media feeds. Most of the new arrivals to the up and coming area where we used to live studiously avoided ANY contact with BAME parents and children at the school, churches or in the park. Unless they found out you had an impressive job, at which they got all smarmy.

And an area not being diverse is NOT equivalent to everyone who lives there being racist. That one really annoys me.

littlepattilou · 06/03/2021 15:25

@HighNetGirth

As to the "diversity fans" , I can tell you all that they generally only want us as walk-on extras to their social media feeds. Most of the new arrivals to the up and coming area where we used to live studiously avoided ANY contact with BAME parents and children at the school, churches or in the park. Unless they found out you had an impressive job, at which they got all smarmy.

And an area not being diverse is NOT equivalent to everyone who lives there being racist. That one really annoys me.

Good post with some very good points. Thank you for sharing that with us. Smile
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/03/2021 15:30

Somewhere just for the two of them?! Brother and sister?! Am I the only one to find that odd...

Yes, it did seem quite weird - and not very forward-thinking. From what I could make out, I'm not sure either of them really wanted to leave the family house, but either had to for work and/or were being 'encouraged' by their parents to make a strike for some independence - probably before they both felt ready for it. I think the parents were 'helping' significantly with the deposit, hence they only wanted their own children to benefit and not any partners who could end up gaining property rights/shares - but you don't need a crystal ball to realise that the set-up is unlikely to be sustainable for either of them for very long.

littlepattilou · 06/03/2021 15:30

Posted too soon! @HighNetGirth I meant to add onto 'thanks for sharing that with us'......

I appreciate your post because I am a white woman in a mostly white rural village, and get sick of the rural = racist type accusations. As I said earlier, the people of colour in my village said this was the friendliest place they had ever lived!

teentipans · 06/03/2021 15:37

@littlepattilou that reminds me of a particular exchange on the neighbourhood watch when a neighbour I know (its a big group so don't know most) got called racist & unaware of his privilege by 2 other posters. Those posters were white & my neighbour is black (they didn't know this because his pic isn't a selfie). When he replied "Umm, I'm a black man", it was tumbleweed & they make a swift exit from the group.

I do think some people are in bubbles though & they just aren't particularly aware of being in that bubble. I live where I grew up & it's gentrified considerably so that the vast majority of residents are now white, english & mc. When I was younger it was a real mix, I'm white but have immigrant parents & that's one thing all my friends & DH & I had/have in common. It wasn't until uni I met someone who had english born parents.

Most of the new arrivals to the up and coming area where we used to live studiously avoided ANY contact with BAME parents and children at the school, churches or in the park. Unless they found out you had an impressive job, at which they got all smarmy.

That's very true.

teentipans · 06/03/2021 15:45

Obviously I'm not excusing those in those bubbles for their ignorance but I didn't really realise until I got older that some people only ever live & work & mix with people who are the exact same as them if that makes sense.

Wannabecheerleader · 06/03/2021 15:52

@DoubleHelix79

Slightly off topic but I'm always amused by the retired couples appearing on escape to the country who want to downsize and are getting on in years, but then go for seven bedroom piles with lots of stairs to climb and huge gardens to maintain. Because you couldn't possibly put up your grown up children in a b&b the one time a year that everyone wants to visit at the same time.
Yes, also miles from the local shops and doctors surgery and no public transport either. Whilst their children live 200 miles away so they also need to be able to fend for themselves.
littlepattilou · 06/03/2021 16:03

@teentipans

@littlepattilou that reminds me of a particular exchange on the neighbourhood watch when a neighbour I know (its a big group so don't know most) got called racist & unaware of his privilege by 2 other posters. Those posters were white & my neighbour is black (they didn't know this because his pic isn't a selfie). When he replied "Umm, I'm a black man", it was tumbleweed & they make a swift exit from the group.

Grin

That's quite funny! And I have known a few incidents like this. People shouting accusations of racism and bigotry, saying (on a message forum/chat forum,) that this person 'must hate non-white people,' (or disabled people,) only to find out the person is a person of colour, or disabled themselves.

They just never mentioned it because it was irrelevant, and also some people of colour DON'T promote #BLM and #taketheknee etc... It's mainly white, privileged, PC 'woke' liberals who do that! Grin

Bluntasduck · 06/03/2021 16:04

But there was also the "Don't move to Cardiff because it has no amenities, shopping, or culture" thread. Hmm

Malbecfan · 06/03/2021 16:13

I moved to a rural area nearly 15 years ago having always lived in suburbs of cities. It was a culture shock at first but as several posters have said, by being friendly, joining in local things, saying hello to people etc., you build up your acquaintances and some of them go on to become friends. Our immediate neighbours are absolutely brilliant.

We have some 2nd home owners very close by who originally bought their seriously overpriced barn conversion as somewhere to escape the Home Counties but they quickly started renting it out to holiday makers. In the time they have been here, they have pissed off almost everyone in the hamlet. The farmer who manages all the land behind our properties has had run-ins with her about when he moves his cows. I just came back from a walk and sour-puss was angry with one of the farm lads because he was moving the cows across the lane at the time she and her DH were driving home. She hates the way he lets a bee-keeper have beehives in the field next to her house because he parks near her gate (but it doesn't stop her blocking ours whenever she likes). She moaned at us because the height of our hedge blocks light out of one of her bedrooms. The hedge was there when her place was still a crappy potato shed. Because our garden is higher than hers, the bottom of the hedge is at the level of her 1st floor. No way am I cutting it down so she can stare into my garden. The very lovely farmer flails it every year at no cost to us because we don't complain about anything, and we phone him if we spot escaped animals.

It's true what others have written about wanting this "idyllic" rural life, but only when it suits them. There is no bus here, no gas or mains drainage. You get used to it. Our DDs learned to drive at 17 because other than bikes or on foot, it's the only way to get out. Incomers like the woman nearby take over property so that local families cannot then afford it. Because they are only there a few weeks each year, the local shops and schools close down. Lots of other new people have moved here and everyone is very friendly to them because they don't see themselves as superior and they live here full-time. Make the effort to fit in or bugger off.

teentipans · 06/03/2021 16:20

I'm not sure why other places outside of London are considered wastelands. Plus a ton of people don't use the amenities in London because of cost or no interest.

Having said that Ive also been called ignorant or similar on here when looking for recommendations for UK staycations. Some posters have taken umbrage that Ive not visited much of the UK (outside of London) & surely I must have gone to X or Y. Well no because I have zero extended family here & my parents would always take us to their home countries for school holidays to see grandparents, cousins etc. So yes I really am going to the Lake district or a beach that's not Brighton or Broadstairs for the first time as an adult 😆

turquoisewaters · 07/03/2021 00:10

Many posters banging on about their children having above average intelligence (being so clever and academic) - not realising it's not possible for almost everyone to be above average.

Often friends of said kids are almost always above average intelligence too.

Wondermule · 07/03/2021 00:11

@turquoisewaters

Many posters banging on about their children having above average intelligence (being so clever and academic) - not realising it's not possible for almost everyone to be above average.

Often friends of said kids are almost always above average intelligence too.

Yes, every child, no matter what, is FRIGHTENINGLY ‘bright’.
OP posts:
Wondermule · 07/03/2021 11:05

@Bluntasduck

But there was also the "Don't move to Cardiff because it has no amenities, shopping, or culture" thread. Hmm
😂😂or when people complain ‘The locals are all Leave voters’
OP posts:
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