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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancer and not sending child back to school

87 replies

lpsandmore · 05/03/2021 10:14

Curious what others would do really.

Mum has cancer and just started chemo. DC is 12 and due to go back to secondary school. They do really well at home and would be supported full time. Oncology has advised not to send as real threat etc. School has no choice as it is not DC that is CV. Would you keep them at home this side of Easter? It seems much safer imo to wait till after and I doubt they'll get much done at school with all the testing and settling back in.

Just wanted to see what others would do in this situation. Would you send in or keep till after Easter? Staying with another relative is not an option as all too far away.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/03/2021 20:25

@lpsandmore

I'm not saying points weren't valid. I'm just very confused how on earth seeing a friend for exercise = being in a school with over a thousand kids full time. How is this even an argument worth posting? There are so many things all of us have to balance each day, and sometimes life wraps us up and it's hard to see a stupid decision being made, hence me posting on here. When you have cancer, your family doesn't tend to criticise your decisions and this isn't always helpful. This is why I posted on AIBU. As for letting her out, friends may be plural as she sees different ones. I have to balance that in my head really. There will always be risks and I think that's a risk that I'm willing to take in the context of the situation. She needs friends and an outlet. I don't want to keep her home. The going back to school risk just doesn't weigh up in my head. She learns really well at home so this would actually benefit her, but I was mostly worried in the legal sense. Some of the posters have been very helpful with this and I am very grateful for your help.

Because the person (or people) have been in that building with 1k people. It’s likely everyone in your oncology unit (including patients) also have contacts to large schools so how far do you want to go? School is a source of normality for a child that age, it provides social support as much as a learning environment. Not just her friends but teachers too who can keep a close eye on her and make appropriate MH referrals if required. Or might even if your dd is close enough be someone to confide in. As scary as it is for you think how scary all of this is for her.

Plus as things stand the single biggest source of covid infections is hospitals. That’s how everyone I know got it.

Pemberleys · 05/03/2021 20:25

I was your 12 yr old DD, speak to her openly and keep her home if she is happy to stay at home too. Hopefully your school will be supportive. And your daughter can access support for her to discuss things she might not want to at home.

Sending you healing wishes OP

MrsPnut · 05/03/2021 20:26

@gottakeeponmovin That is it exactly. Cancer treatment and chemo go on for a long time depending on the drugs and the cycle frequency.

My kids need to feel normal because at home everything revolves around me having cancer. That is why my daughter is going back next week.

Tal45 · 05/03/2021 20:54

Keep her off for your sake and hers. Will online work be provided if everyone else is back at school? xxx

B3ttyBoop · 05/03/2021 20:58

You're right to be cautious,OP. Your oncologist has flagged the risk of infection via sending your daughter to school. Independent SAGE and other experts are concerned about the lack of detailed measures in place for schools reopening next week. They're predicting a rise in infection levels in the next few weeks.

Unicant · 05/03/2021 21:01

Yes I'd keep your child home if they do okay with home schooling. They will get to go back to school at some point and your mums actual life is more important in the short term.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/03/2021 21:04

I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.
Yes keep her off.
Losing her DM is a high price and she will worry, meeting a pal outside socially distance is completely different.
The DC here are back since Monday, SN back 2 weeks ago cases are cropping up daily in the school setting.

AIMD · 05/03/2021 21:04

In your position I would keep her off a little longer and see how things play out in terms of covid rates and you being able to access vaccine/your own health.

I’d ask the head teacher if they would allow her to register as education off site or authorised absence.

PlayingTheDevilsAvocado · 05/03/2021 21:09

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think it’s a perfectly sensible decision to keep your DD at home for a while longer.

I’m a mother of a 12 year old and I have had cancer. I feel for you.

Awalkintime · 05/03/2021 21:10

If the family has been advised then please ask them to put it in writing and send it to school.

I have a child in my class who will not be back on Monday and I haven't seen all year on the advice from a consultant. There has been no issue as it is following advice and we have documentation to support this.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/03/2021 21:11

I went through something similar as a child with my gran who raised me - school was probably the only thing that kept me sane. But obvs as the parent it’s up to you
It is different when school is a place of comfort right now they're not.
Would you have felt happy in school knowing you might catch Covid19 and bring it home killing your caregiver DM/DGM.

GherkinsOnToast · 05/03/2021 21:18

We have a similar situation - we have spoken to both primary and secondary and they have agreed to let the kids stay home until after Easter to allow me 3 weeks after my first vaccine ( Monday! - YAY) before they are mixing with 100's of other children and teachers who have been working with key worker children throughout lockdown. I am thankful for their understanding right now.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/03/2021 21:25

What happens in the UK if you refuse the fine? I know DC shouldn't miss school unnecessarily holidays neglect etc.
I think giving parents a fine is bizarre.
The Catholic schools here have their issues but they don't control the parents the way the councils nanny schools in the UK.
Ours notify the department if over 20 days without good reason.

Pemberleys · 05/03/2021 21:29

@Emeraldshamrock

What happens in the UK if you refuse the fine? I know DC shouldn't miss school unnecessarily holidays neglect etc. I think giving parents a fine is bizarre. The Catholic schools here have their issues but they don't control the parents the way the councils nanny schools in the UK. Ours notify the department if over 20 days without good reason.

By UK you mean England (and Wales?). Scotland doesn't impose fines.

needadvice54321 · 05/03/2021 21:36

A different time but when DS was going through cancer treatment we kept him away from school when his counts were low or there was something doing the rounds at school. So I'd probably keep your daughter away if she's happy to do that

Original poster

lpsandmore · 05/03/2021 21:36

I really don't think our school is so heartless as to give a fine in this situation, I think the head just can't put it in writing that they won't. The fine is only £60 in our LA and they can't give another one for 12 months.
Also re the refuge comments, I work in a school and only stopped this term as I found out about my cancer 3 months ago. I really think people have no idea how miserable schools are at the moment. It's really not the normal place of refuge they normally are imo. Maybe primary is better and maybe other teachers think differently but my DD hated last term. It was miserable with more and more kids dropping everyday for self isolation. Everything is about covid, the only subjects she enjoys aren't allowed and it all feels like a military operation. We won't even be able to see their faces with masks on at all times now so not really very easy to spot the miserable one. They also can't move out of their 'corridor' so even if DD wanted to see her fav teacher for support, she wouldn't be able to.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/03/2021 22:17

@Emeraldshamrock

I went through something similar as a child with my gran who raised me - school was probably the only thing that kept me sane. But obvs as the parent it’s up to you It is different when school is a place of comfort right now they're not. Would you have felt happy in school knowing you might catch Covid19 and bring it home killing your caregiver DM/DGM.

She caught the flu during chemo and then almost died of complications. The hospital was always going to be the main place she caught it as we were told (even back then) to wash our hands before touching her or giving her food & we were all really militant about it to the point where we even used rubbing alcohol.

Catching a respiratory infection during cancer treatment isn’t a new thing and covid is even less infectious than the flu. And judging by the stats the people who catch it with complicating conditions seem to catch it in hospital.

And as for school it will always offer a support structure in ways we can’t always predict as parents. At the very least she’ll have a sense of normality - which is vital.

But again this is OP’s decision. All we can provide is our opinions.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/03/2021 22:23

And as for school it will always offer a support structure in ways we can’t always predict as parents. At the very least she’ll have a sense of normality - which is vital.
I agree school is best for support the risks are very high unfortunately.
It is shit all round.
By UK you mean England (and Wales?). Scotland doesn't impose fines.
I didn't know it wasn't across the entire UK, it's a crazy setup.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/03/2021 22:27

I’d keep her home but how long are you prepared too? After Easter cases may be far higher with all the mixing going on.

I wouldn’t allow the mixing with friends though unless their household is shielding and they aren’t attending school either. Otherwise it’s not the risk of one person but every person they have been in contact with.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/03/2021 22:37

I would keep them at home. Seeing one or two friends outside is fine and good for physical and mental health.

Wishing you well OP.

thymeofmylife · 05/03/2021 23:15

Under the circumstances and bearing in mind her age and the fact you're happy with her at home, I'd keep her there and reassess after Easter. It's not long anyway. I had chemo last year but my son didn't start school until a month after I'd finished, I was nervous about the risk but equally by that point needed a break as had a baby as well. Although if it helps reassure you in any way I know a lot of other people going through cancer treatment who have caught covid while mid chemo and have been fine. Obviously it's not a risk you want to take but knowing that did make me feel better. I also don't know your chemo regime or details of your immune response but the general advice seems to be to go ahead with the vaccine as soon as you can. Hopefully your bloods will be strong enough soon

underneaththeash · 05/03/2021 23:22

I’d send her back. They have twice a week lateral flow testing and unless you’re going to not allow her to see friends after school (when she’s less likely to distance) her friends are going to be in contact with the rest of her bubble anyway.

Emeraldshamrock · 06/03/2021 01:19

As long as she is learning at home I wouldn't risk it.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 06/03/2021 08:11

Those twice weekly lateral flow tests pick up 30% of positives if done by a professional. Kids doing them themselves it's more like 10%. Parents can also refuse consent for their children to have them, and children can refuse to wear masks just because they don't fancy it and stay in school. The measures in place do not make schools covid safe.
I'm all for it being worth the risk for most kids going back but we should be honest about it precisely for situations such as the OPs.

BonnieDundee · 06/03/2021 08:26

I think you are over reacting to be honest.
Do you think her oncologist is over reacting too?

Honestly I don't know why this is even up for.debate. The oncologist advised against it. End of story. Cant believe pp who think they know better than the oncologist.

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