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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying rent to stay in family home

94 replies

DefinitelyNotMe · 05/03/2021 06:22

DP and I separated in 2017, but both stayed lived in the family home. He was abusive and controlling, at least in part because of a mental illness.

He moved out last year, but the abusing behaviour continued, on one occasion coming over to the house to bully me into talking to him and tried to kick the door in. So I called the police and my solicitor, outcome is he is no longer allowed to the house.

The house he left behind was in an awful state. Social services had been involved in the past and the children and I had lived away from home for almost a year while he was supposed to fix it. However two reception rooms were unusable. Piled high with rubbish, bottles of urine on the floor, recycling waste in every room.

Since just before Christmas I have single handedly turned the house into a home. We had an agreement that he would carry on paying half the mortgage to keep his equity and stay in the family home. Because of Christmas and lockdown I have done a lot of this myself, hoovering, scrubbing services, going to the top. I have also spent about £1000 on bedding (me and the kids were sleeping on the floor of their room as the main bedroom stank as he never washed the sheets). Then there was £800 moving his stuff to storage, rubbish from other rooms in the house and a handy man to fix the broken toilet seats among other things.

We had a mortgage holiday since December which ends this month . DP (who is paying maintenance by the way). Yesterday xDP informs me yes expecting me to pay £400 towards his half of the more every month as “rent”, so I and the children can stay in the family home. So I pay 75% of the mortgage for 50% of the equity. I think he is an utter tear who is charging his children rent to stay in the family home. AIBU?

OP posts:
Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 05/03/2021 07:23

oh sorry, i just re-read your post op.

difficult situation.

Theunamedcat · 05/03/2021 07:24

You dont have an agreement to pay rent you have one to pay the mortgage? Is it a legally binding agreement? If your paying 75% can you afford 100%?

I think you need to financially cut this parasite off by either buying him out or selling

GladysTheGroovyMule · 05/03/2021 07:28

I know you say the cost of moving will be huge but honestly I would want to sell this house and start afresh with my kids so the ex can’t have this hanging over you for the foreseeable future. He’s an absolute cunt btw, no question. But that’s not going to change.

Original poster
DefinitelyNotMe · 05/03/2021 07:29

why were you living in a house in such a state with him?

He was ill. I moved out with the kids as a temporary measure for him to sort it. 9 months later we moved back as it had improved but still wasn’t great. Lockdown, covid, his mental health collapsed, he was abusive, we moved out again, moved back to reclaim the family home.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 05/03/2021 07:29

A lot of the info in your OP isn't relevant. Try to take the emotion out of it and focus on the legalities

If the house is jointly owned, he could force a sale if you can't reach agreement

If you have sole occupancy of a house which is jointly owned, it probably is fair to pay for that

I'd think best to sell and be financially independent elsewhere

ChocOrange1 · 05/03/2021 07:30

If you can, sell up and buy a smaller house. Or buy him out of the house. This will just go on and on.
I can see his logic of you paying rent to live in a house which is half his but he doesn't live in, but it sounds like that is not what you agreed to. Also, his kids live in the house as well.

ChocOrange1 · 05/03/2021 07:31

@DefinitelyNotMe

why were you living in a house in such a state with him?

He was ill. I moved out with the kids as a temporary measure for him to sort it. 9 months later we moved back as it had improved but still wasn’t great. Lockdown, covid, his mental health collapsed, he was abusive, we moved out again, moved back to reclaim the family home.

Did he pay you rent for the 9 months that he lived there while you paid half through mortgage?
sanfranfibber · 05/03/2021 07:31

Did you pay half the mortgage when you weren't living there?

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 05/03/2021 07:32

I think you need to sit down and work out what equity you have in the place. What the legal costs are, whether you can get a mortgage and how much for, whether there is anything suitable property wise in your area for that and if so get the house on the market and cut ties.

You say DP, so I'm assuming not married. I reckon only way you'll get rid is to either sell the property or to remortgage and buy him out if you can.

MyLittleOrangutan · 05/03/2021 07:35

I see his point. He is still paying a mortgage for a house he isn't allowed to live in.
You need to buy him out, give him his equity in the house so he can go get somewhere else.
He has a lot of money trapped in that house that you want to keep essentially.

I cant work out if it's entirely his fault that the house was a shit tip, sounds like you were living there and allowing the kids to live like that. But its irrelevant to the financial side. He cant be expected to be without the money he put into the house or continue to pay for a house he doesn't live in.

Alsonification · 05/03/2021 07:35

I don’t always post on these things but I thought my solution when I split with my exh might work for you too.
We had a house and I was pregnant with our second child when he moved out. I stayed in the house til new baby was 18mths and then we sold up. He paid half the mortgage & maintenance for this time. When we split we agreed that of he gave me all but €10k of the equity (quite a lot of equity) then he didn’t have to pay maintenance ever. Now he had a little tantrum over this as he hated me getting more than him but when I told him to sit down & work out what he would pay for the next 18 years he realised he was getting a waaaaay better deal!
Our solicitor told us we could do this but it is not legally enforceable so even though I signed an agreement, If I changed my mind at any time down the road I could apply for maintenance & he couldn’t do anything about it. He took the chance and I have never asked for maintenance (my children are now 18 & 22). I was able to buy another house with a small mortgage which I couldn’t have done without that equity. I have also never had him use maintenance as a way to control me (which he had done in the past). So any hold he had over me was completely gone.
Everyone told me I was mad to give up maintenance but I am absolutely certain it was the right thing for me & I’d do it again.

Just another possibility for you.

Very best of luck whatever happens.

CristalCarrington · 05/03/2021 07:37

Sell. I know it’s tough. I hung on in a family home for five years, with the verbal agreement that we would stay until the children were 18.

However - “you’re living in my house” was thrown at me regularly (and I paid the full mortgage) and I still felt controlled.

Ended up agreeing to far lower an amount than I could have gone for, and then bought a house where DC have to share rooms (while he has a huge house despite the fact he is EOW)

But, do you know what? I’m free.

Was able to choose the house for us and make a fresh start. He no longer tries to walk in when he picks up, he stays on the street. Where he belongs.

It was and still is worth it. Despite the stress and uncertainty of moving and buying, and being a little house (but, a cosy little house in an area we love Smile)

Original poster
DefinitelyNotMe · 05/03/2021 07:42

I should stress, I am seeing a solicitor but not until next week and I need a sounding board!

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 05/03/2021 07:45

Surely you want to have as few ties as possible to your ex? Sell the house! Have a fresh start. Your children have been through a time so awful that social services were involved. That sounds quite extreme. Surely you want life to be calm and predictable for them from now on?

Original poster
DefinitelyNotMe · 05/03/2021 07:52

I do, but will never be free from him altogether because of the kids.

I do quite like the way the consensus seems to be, he’s a twat but he has a point:)

Thank you everyone. It’s just good to have a range of views before I see my solicitor.

OP posts:
Springsnake · 05/03/2021 07:56

I don’t understand
You were living there the whole time it got in to such a mess?
Can’t of been good for the children
Yet suddenly it’s all his mess ?
Don’t get that

CriticalWoman · 05/03/2021 07:56

Op don't agree to anything before you see your solicitor next week. And bear in mind that some of the opinions on here won't match what the law actually says.

notanothertakeaway · 05/03/2021 07:56

@Alsonification

I don’t always post on these things but I thought my solution when I split with my exh might work for you too. We had a house and I was pregnant with our second child when he moved out. I stayed in the house til new baby was 18mths and then we sold up. He paid half the mortgage & maintenance for this time. When we split we agreed that of he gave me all but €10k of the equity (quite a lot of equity) then he didn’t have to pay maintenance ever. Now he had a little tantrum over this as he hated me getting more than him but when I told him to sit down & work out what he would pay for the next 18 years he realised he was getting a waaaaay better deal! Our solicitor told us we could do this but it is not legally enforceable so even though I signed an agreement, If I changed my mind at any time down the road I could apply for maintenance & he couldn’t do anything about it. He took the chance and I have never asked for maintenance (my children are now 18 & 22). I was able to buy another house with a small mortgage which I couldn’t have done without that equity. I have also never had him use maintenance as a way to control me (which he had done in the past). So any hold he had over me was completely gone. Everyone told me I was mad to give up maintenance but I am absolutely certain it was the right thing for me & I’d do it again.

Just another possibility for you.

Very best of luck whatever happens.

@Alsonification I think a clean break like that sounds good for both sides
Janaih · 05/03/2021 07:57

Sorry you are suffering with this situation. I would say sell the house as others have. Whatever it costs to move, peace of mind is priceless.

Original poster
DefinitelyNotMe · 05/03/2021 07:58

I cant work out if it's entirely his fault that the house was a shit tip, sounds like you were living there and allowing the kids to live like that.

He refused to let me clean it, threatened suicide if I touched stuff without permission... told me it was fine, I was mad, controlling, unreasonable. Bullied me into not seeing family and friends. Story as old as time

OP posts:
badpuma · 05/03/2021 08:00

@MyLittleOrangutan

I see his point. He is still paying a mortgage for a house he isn't allowed to live in. You need to buy him out, give him his equity in the house so he can go get somewhere else. He has a lot of money trapped in that house that you want to keep essentially.

I cant work out if it's entirely his fault that the house was a shit tip, sounds like you were living there and allowing the kids to live like that. But its irrelevant to the financial side. He cant be expected to be without the money he put into the house or continue to pay for a house he doesn't live in.

That's not unusual after a split because the priority is housing the children and it is generally better for at least one of the parents to have a house that's actually big enough for them.

Where this happens, one parent has a right to live in the former family home with the children until the children have reached a certain age and sell, the other has a ring fenced percentage of equity which is redeemed on that sale.

Sirzy · 05/03/2021 08:00

Legally he will most likely to entitled to occupational rent which in most cases would involve you paying half of the market rent amount for the house - this may be changed in part to take account of the children living there.

Shrivelled · 05/03/2021 08:00

@Springsnake the rest of us get it as we’ve read the post that said she moved out twice and he made the mess himself.

Alsonification · 05/03/2021 08:03

@notanothertakeaway yes it was. I’ve seen friends have so much trouble with ex’s over money. I never had that thank god.

userxx · 05/03/2021 08:04

@Springsnake

I don’t understand You were living there the whole time it got in to such a mess? Can’t of been good for the children Yet suddenly it’s all his mess ? Don’t get that

I'm pretty sure it wasn't the op leaving bottles of piss lying around.

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