Paying rent to stay in family home

[DefinitelyNotMe]

DP and I separated in 2017, but both stayed lived in the family home. He was abusive and controlling, at least in part because of a mental illness.

He moved out last year, but the abusing behaviour continued, on one occasion coming over to the house to bully me into talking to him and tried to kick the door in. So I called the police and my solicitor, outcome is he is no longer allowed to the house.

The house he left behind was in an awful state. Social services had been involved in the past and the children and I had lived away from home for almost a year while he was supposed to fix it. However two reception rooms were unusable. Piled high with rubbish, bottles of urine on the floor, recycling waste in every room.

Since just before Christmas I have single handedly turned the house into a home. We had an agreement that he would carry on paying half the mortgage to keep his equity and stay in the family home. Because of Christmas and lockdown I have done a lot of this myself, hoovering, scrubbing services, going to the top. I have also spent about £1000 on bedding (me and the kids were sleeping on the floor of their room as the main bedroom stank as he never washed the sheets). Then there was £800 moving his stuff to storage, rubbish from other rooms in the house and a handy man to fix the broken toilet seats among other things.

We had a mortgage holiday since December which ends this month . DP (who is paying maintenance by the way). Yesterday xDP informs me yes expecting me to pay £400 towards his half of the more every month as “rent”, so I and the children can stay in the family home. So I pay 75% of the mortgage for 50% of the equity. I think he is an utter tear who is charging his children rent to stay in the family home. AIBU?

[BoyTree]

Did he pay you rent while you were living elsewhere?

[timeisnotaline]

Sell the house but talk to the solicitor about seperately to the equity split you also take a cut for your work on it. £10k maybe?

[timeisnotaline]

@BoyTree

Did he pay you rent while you were living elsewhere?

Very good point!

[Bearsinmotion]

I didn’t contribute to the mortgage when we were living in temporary accommodation, but I did pay absolutely all the costs for me and the children, moved over 15 times with no help from him and continued to pay all the bills for the house, council tax, utilities, childcare costs.

[NeedSomeInfoAgain]

You need proper legal advice. From your use of 'DP', I'm guessing you aren't married. I've been through this.

My ex-DP decided to leave the family and applied to sell the house (joint mortgage) from under us. My solicitor was applying to court for me and the children to stay in the house until the youngest had finished FE. His solicitor said I would need to pay rent on ex's half of the property since he couldn't 'enjoy use of it' in the meantime. This would have meant me paying the same £ as a full mortgage for the next 15 years, but yes, as you say, still only getting half the equity on sale. My solicitor would have argued this in court, but really it seemed it would be up to the judge and read as if the law was in ex's favour. And the legal fees would have soared even further.

I was lucky. GP's on both sides felt that was unjust (impact on their GC etc) and put pressure on him to reconsider. Above all else, he really wanted his name off the mortgage in order to buy with new GF, so he settled before court for a much lower portion of equity(that he could use as deposit). Then his name was removed from the mortgage and I remortgaged in my name. But it was a very close call.

I would do all you can to get your future home independent of him. If he does remain on the mortgage, rent aside, what happens if he marries? You'll potentially have someone else in the mix, agitating for a sale and a lot of anxiety building up as your youngest approaches 18+. Also, in that situation, if your ex dies suddenly, the wife will inherit 'his share' of your house. It gets messy.

I also recall there were restrictions written in by his solicitor on me ever having anyone else living there. So ex got to start a new life, but legally if I'd wanted to do anything more than bring up his children like a paid servant, I would have had to sell up anyway.

If I hadn't been lucky enough to have family support for getting him off the mortgage and a clean break, I would have had sold up, split the equity and started again. It's so hard to do this to the family home, but you've created a home in very difficult circumstance and you can do it again. The best home for your DC is with an unstressed mum, not one under the financial control of an ex.

[Hellodarknessmyoldpal]

I would sell if i were you. The costs of a move will be high but if your parents were willing to help out with 'rent' they may be able to loan you some money for this. It might just save you the headache of all the power play this could cause over the next 10 years (or however long it is until DC is 18).

You will always be tied because of the DC but given what you said about him i would want to minimise your ties to him in anyway you can. Staying tangled in a mortgage is asking for trouble. Every time something needs fixed or replaced will there be another battle? Or will you just pay which will keep his equity sitting intact. Also on that note, any value increase on your home will be shared when you sell in the future even though he won't have contributed to maintaining it, sell now, pay your own mortgage and benefit soley from any increase in value.

[Xenia]

You need a solicitor on this. The house is registered in joint names and you are not married. I think that is so. If so then the presumption is you own 50% each of it unless you have an agreement otherwise. Let us assume you do not have a trust deed, agreement or notification at the land registry of say 60/40 shares.

The next issue is what has been "agreed" even verbally as the courts do enforce verbal agreements although they are very hard to prove. I think it would be very hard to prove there is an existing agreement you can stay there until youngest is 18 and then the house is sold and proceeds split half each. Now he wants his 50%.

I did know someone who got a court order - which took about 8 months to get the resident partner out of the house although I think there is a "Children Act" which might mean the court would let the children stay in their home whereas if there are no children and no agreement otherwise ultimately he could get a sale forced.

If you own it is in law 50/50 but you have spent a lot on repairs to say a value of £10k for example then it may be 5050 each but with £10k taken off his share because of "equity" - that is also how sometimes a house in the name of one is shared with the other who contributed to the mortgage or repairs (remembering we are only talking here about the unmarried - being married vastly changes all this)

Psychologically for you to keep the house with him having no share - your parents or you could remortgage to buy out his 50% share now then IF the mortgage lender agrees (sadly they have to agree but may be happy if you have a parental guarantee if your earnings are low and you need it). Then all that would remain is that he should be paying from his wages towards his children under CMS rules which is totally separate from the house issue.

We are assuming you are unmarried and live in England not Scotland where laws differ.

[Naunet]

If he wants to play at being landlord and charge you rent every month, then he should also pay for half the repairs you have made. If he refuses, then the rent is knocked down to whatever a market rate would be before the repairs - he can’t have it both ways.

[Yesmate]

Maintenance and mortgage have to be treated separately. If he doesn’t want to pay half the mortgage he cannot have half the equity from this point.
I will be honest, having advised on this issue numerous times before I would try to sell and get somewhere for you and the children. Annoying, shouldn’t have to be that way but sharing a mortgage with an ex is messy. There will come a point where he wants a mortgage somewhere else and will struggle so will probably ask to sell anyway.

[Sapho47]

I want to know what bedding you got?

[Ponoka7]

You only need legal advice on this, not anyone else's. Then think if you want any property connection with him and if any money cost is worth the emotional/stress cost.

[EnoughnowIthink]

I'm sorry OP but it is usual that the person living in the house pays for it in full. You can't expect him to agree to not selling if he isn't going to get back a fair share of the investement - and remember he will probably be unable to get another mortgage for as long as he remains on your joint house. As a result, some kind of 'compenstation' is probably due - such as half the value of the house. It is often easier to extract yourself from being bound financially to another person. I would have a look at all your options again.

[Googlebrained]

The thing is that the unreasonable person tends to have the power if you remain entangled financially because they don't care about your feelings or how their behaviour affects you or the children. They often tend to feel so entitled, they would rather both of you lose everything than see you 'win'. For that reason, I'd remove myself from any financial involvement with him. It may be painful in the beginning but will save you lots of anxiety in the long run, where he holds the house and finances over you. I'd go for a clean break, with more equity and no maintenance/CMS if that's possible, so you don't have to ever rely on him again.

[Merryoldgoat]

I couldn’t have someone else having that amount control over my home. I’d sooner sell and move somewhere smaller but that was all mine without him being able to ruin it.

[Outbutnotoutout]

Personally I would sell, give him his half and then you rid of him (apart from the children of course)

Or

You both pay 50/50 mortgage
You pay all bills

[hereyehearye]

800 for bedding?
Social services involved?
Moving in and out?

Don't you want a stable peaceful childhood for your children? It's just all too much. Sell the house and put an end to this farcical merry go round you call a relationship. Your children are not enjoying this.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@DefinitelyNotMe

Sell this property and move instead.

get solicitor advice if you think be beneficial for you.

Is there legal advice/or a women's charity on the internet can give sound good advice/or sign post you,to untangle your housing issues/legal domestic abuse issues)out there for you op?
I am sure there is, sorry I can not rember the name of this charities.

Do women's Aid charity
also offer or know of organisation(charity)that offer good advice for free /or reasonable cost for the very kind of housing/legal help you need op.?

Could Citzens advice bureau agency uk give you advice on your dilemma issue ?
you can find their tel contact number online.

Also they are conviently based in most/every towns their offices are.

women's Aid charity (domestic abuse)tel no will be on the internet

[thosetalesofunexpected]

sell this property and rent instead op.!

It be better for your and your family peace of mind

The bonus will be you will no longer be under his control (manipulative ways.

Your home should be your and your family sanctuary .

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

Lots of good advice here, OP. I hope you will sell up, after taking legal advice about the best ways to protect yourself and DC. I'd especially warn you that, until then, he could secure debts against the property and mess up your life even more.

Good luck.

[dontdisturbmenow]

My ideal solution is that I pay the mortgage in full, he keeps the equity accrued so far and we have an agreement we can stay in the house until DS is 18
That's the standard arrangement and the fairest.

Best to get a solicitor to draw the arrangement so that there are no argument what his share of the equity was until you took over the full payment.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

He is being very unreasonable. He can’t charge rent for you to stay in the family home. But he does sound the type to just stop paying it altogether which may put you and children in a bad situation.

Can you pay whole mortgage? If not, you have a few options in no particular order...

1. putting the house up for sale now, and using your share of the equity to find a new home for you and children. This has advantage of a clean break.
   
   
2. if you really are attached to the home but can’t afford current mortgage. If you’ve been in the house at least five years, you can “remortgage” or “refinance the mortgage” by talking to lenders. This will take what is left that you owe on the house and spread it out over a new 25 or 30 year loan. However, if you do this, I would advise a cash out one to pay off your ex bastard his share of equity. The equity will be determined by the bank/lender, do NOT agree to any equity based on a house value figure shown on Zillow or Realtor.com etc.

[Beautiful3]

No dont pay him rent!!! Get the place valued and see what kind of place you could afford. Think I'd rather be in a flat or small house, just to get away from him. Or if you really cannot afford to move just carry as as normal. If the mortgage doesnt get paid then it will be eventually be foreclosed by the bank. This will leave both parties with zero.

[Bearsinmotion]

I was confused about people asking about bedding but I see now! Should have been, bedding, curtains and curtain rails, wardrobe, desk for the kids and furniture for the cleared reception room which was completely empty once floor to ceiling boxes of recycling had been removed.

[Bibidy]

I would sell up and cut ties asap OP.

My ideal solution is that I pay the mortgage in full, he keeps the equity accrued so far and we have an agreement we can stay in the house until DS is 18

Don't forget that he will also be entitled to 50% of any appreciation on the property's price, which he could come back to claim. This happened to one of my sister's friends and she ended up having to sell her home anyway in order to pay the ex what she 'owed' him. It was difficult for her to get her own place after as she ended up having to hand over so much to him.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person you want to remain financially entangled with. Sounds like it wouldn't be beneath him to try and get what he can when it suits him down the line.

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

You've moved 15 times with your children? Why? This really is a mess op and I think you need to be more proactive and realistic. You've been separated for coming up to 4 years and still this is dragging on.