Paying rent to stay in family home

[DefinitelyNotMe]

DP and I separated in 2017, but both stayed lived in the family home. He was abusive and controlling, at least in part because of a mental illness.

He moved out last year, but the abusing behaviour continued, on one occasion coming over to the house to bully me into talking to him and tried to kick the door in. So I called the police and my solicitor, outcome is he is no longer allowed to the house.

The house he left behind was in an awful state. Social services had been involved in the past and the children and I had lived away from home for almost a year while he was supposed to fix it. However two reception rooms were unusable. Piled high with rubbish, bottles of urine on the floor, recycling waste in every room.

Since just before Christmas I have single handedly turned the house into a home. We had an agreement that he would carry on paying half the mortgage to keep his equity and stay in the family home. Because of Christmas and lockdown I have done a lot of this myself, hoovering, scrubbing services, going to the top. I have also spent about £1000 on bedding (me and the kids were sleeping on the floor of their room as the main bedroom stank as he never washed the sheets). Then there was £800 moving his stuff to storage, rubbish from other rooms in the house and a handy man to fix the broken toilet seats among other things.

We had a mortgage holiday since December which ends this month . DP (who is paying maintenance by the way). Yesterday xDP informs me yes expecting me to pay £400 towards his half of the more every month as “rent”, so I and the children can stay in the family home. So I pay 75% of the mortgage for 50% of the equity. I think he is an utter tear who is charging his children rent to stay in the family home. AIBU?

[greeneyedlulu]

Sell the house and get away from this man!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@poorbuthappy

He will never leave you in peace.
You will be jumping for him for the next 10 years.
Sell the house.

This x1000.

[millymollymoomoo]

It’s quite normal under a mesher order that you take over the full mortgage
He then defers his share of eqyuity until trigger ( eg kids turn 18)
So you may get a 60% share award him 40%
You pay mortgage
When kids 18 you sell and he gets his 40%
This is normal
Figures are illustrative only of course

[Xenia]

I only had a year or 2 of accounts and was self employed when we bought this house ( I was married then ) and the broker was able to find a loan. Perhaps email your original mortgage broker to ask him (and tell him not to contact your partner about it however).

[Bearsinmotion]

That's a very good point Xenia. We used a mortgage broker when we bought and he was amazingly helpful, so I might be able to afford more than I had thought...

[DefinitelyNotme]

Fuck off hereyeherarye. Learn some EMPATHY and recognise escaping abusive relationships is DIFFICULT, as is sorting out all this on top of working fulltime and homeschooling two kids with very limited finance. This thread is about exploring the ways I can do that before I get legal advice next week. So FUCK OFF and MOVE ON.

Incidentally there is a court order banning him from the house.

[hereyehearye]

2017 is four years ago.

[hereyehearye]

You separated in 2017. He's still abusing you. Are you planning to spend your entire children's childhood with him banging on the door of the family home shouting abuse or are you going to actually cut ties, stand on your own two feet and sell the house?

[hereyehearye]

@DefinitelyNotMe

hereyehearye wow, I hadn’t thought of that, what a good idea!

What exactly do you think this thread is about?

I think this thread is about you being controlled by your ex and still not waking up to the fact that you need BOUNDARIES so you can end this chaos and MOVE ON.

Sell the house and MOVE ON. Staying in the house so that you can have legal cases every year for the next 18 years. Your children don't want this even if you do.

[Darlingx]

This is exactly what my father did he mortgaged the house behind my mums back until the bank declared repossession it previously had no mortgage . He put all their assets in his mistresses name and pulled the plug once the youngest of us was 16 this was in the late 80s . He won’t have your interests at heart . You need to disentangle yourself because all you are buying is him time it sounds to me like he hasn’t you or the children’s welfare at heart from his actions. When they tell you what you want to hear when it sounds like the least hassle its a trick I’m afraid Thank goodness your parents can offer some help and u want that help in your asset not a shared one on his terms . U need to get legal advice on this and u need all your payments registered as coming from you. The age of your children and being in your care must mean that you are entitled to support and a fresh start ? I have literally seen the endgame and trust me take the hard road now to freedom or trust your absolute gut instinct. You are always best being your own knight in shining armour because either way its you that is picking up the pieces at least fully know that it is you and that you can do it . Sounds like all that cleaning up and care u need a place that is yours alone. I sincerely hope u get what u wish for .

[Xenia]

Or try to find a way to remortgage perhaps with a parent's backing to buy him out. Some mortgage brokers are very skilled at knowing which products can be used to get the best deal.

[icdtap]

You are getting legal advice which is good.

I would sell the house. I know it will cost quite a bit but it will be worth it in the long run.
He does have a point about you paying rent on the half of the house which he owns (this happens in shared ownership property schemes for example - you own half and a company owns the other half and you pay rent). However he is being a complete arse about this and using it to exert control.
Do you really want this going on for years? What if he decides to put the rent up every year? When you eventually do sell he's going to get half of the equity and meanwhile he's raked in a tens of thousands in rent.

Get out now. Sell, split the equity and you start again somewhere else. Then he has no hold over you at all.

[Bearsinmotion]

Sorry name change fail again

[Xenia]

Yes that is a traditional "mesher" order of the court - he gets his half - half as at date of sale later when youngest child is 18.

" If he doesn’t want to pay half the mortgage he cannot have half the equity from this point. " - thati s nto quite right. In fact the law is the opposite - he retains his 50% interest even if the house went up £1m which is why selling or buying his out is better unless house prices are going to go down in which case he would equally share in the loss and obligation under the mortgage (unless he is taken off the mortgage).

[Chimeraforce]

My parents divorced and my dad's solicitor put a charge on the house. When my mum sold it decades later he got a fair whack.
My mum paid the bloody mortgage, not my dad.
He felt justified as he'd paid the rent whilst it was council house and mum was a sahm to 3 kids.
Then they did rtb (her idea) and she worked and paid the mortgage then they divorced.
Sell the house if you want to breathe. Not sure how he's held down a high earning job if he's hoarding piss bottles.

[DefinitelyNotMe]

I was confused about people asking about bedding but I see now! Should have been, bedding, curtains and curtain rails, wardrobe, desk for the kids and furniture for the cleared reception room which was completely empty once floor to ceiling boxes of recycling had been removed.

[Ermidunno]

You had me until £1000 on bedding?!?! You clearly have money to waste.
Anyway you can’t force him to pay 50% so if he can’t afford it then you need to sell the house and split the equity.

[LemonTT]

Be warned OP that some of the more bullish suggestions on here may lead to equally bullish responses from your ex. By the sounds of it he is unreasonable and irrational but he has deep pockets. He can get legal advice and he may be able to peruse legal action.

He can also agree to pay the mortgage and then ask the CMS to offset this against his maintenance payments. They may or may not agree.

[DefinitelyNotMe]

hereyehearye wow, I hadn’t thought of that, what a good idea!

What exactly do you think this thread is about?

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

You've moved 15 times with your children? Why? This really is a mess op and I think you need to be more proactive and realistic. You've been separated for coming up to 4 years and still this is dragging on.

[Bibidy]

I would sell up and cut ties asap OP.

My ideal solution is that I pay the mortgage in full, he keeps the equity accrued so far and we have an agreement we can stay in the house until DS is 18

Don't forget that he will also be entitled to 50% of any appreciation on the property's price, which he could come back to claim. This happened to one of my sister's friends and she ended up having to sell her home anyway in order to pay the ex what she 'owed' him. It was difficult for her to get her own place after as she ended up having to hand over so much to him.

He doesn't sound like the kind of person you want to remain financially entangled with. Sounds like it wouldn't be beneath him to try and get what he can when it suits him down the line.

[Bearsinmotion]

I was confused about people asking about bedding but I see now! Should have been, bedding, curtains and curtain rails, wardrobe, desk for the kids and furniture for the cleared reception room which was completely empty once floor to ceiling boxes of recycling had been removed.

[Beautiful3]

No dont pay him rent!!! Get the place valued and see what kind of place you could afford. Think I'd rather be in a flat or small house, just to get away from him. Or if you really cannot afford to move just carry as as normal. If the mortgage doesnt get paid then it will be eventually be foreclosed by the bank. This will leave both parties with zero.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

He is being very unreasonable. He can’t charge rent for you to stay in the family home. But he does sound the type to just stop paying it altogether which may put you and children in a bad situation.

Can you pay whole mortgage? If not, you have a few options in no particular order...

1. putting the house up for sale now, and using your share of the equity to find a new home for you and children. This has advantage of a clean break.
   
   
2. if you really are attached to the home but can’t afford current mortgage. If you’ve been in the house at least five years, you can “remortgage” or “refinance the mortgage” by talking to lenders. This will take what is left that you owe on the house and spread it out over a new 25 or 30 year loan. However, if you do this, I would advise a cash out one to pay off your ex bastard his share of equity. The equity will be determined by the bank/lender, do NOT agree to any equity based on a house value figure shown on Zillow or Realtor.com etc.

[dontdisturbmenow]

My ideal solution is that I pay the mortgage in full, he keeps the equity accrued so far and we have an agreement we can stay in the house until DS is 18
That's the standard arrangement and the fairest.

Best to get a solicitor to draw the arrangement so that there are no argument what his share of the equity was until you took over the full payment.