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Original poster

Am I controlling?

65 replies

ConDen193 · 04/03/2021 23:47

Boyfriend and I are both 25. Been together for 2 and a half years. Generally we are happy but there's one argument we always have: holidays.

I don't mind boyfriend going on holiday whatsoever but he wants to go on 2 week long ones.
I wouldn't mind this but he works away a lot.
So he can be away for 3 weeks straight and then have 2 weeks at home.

So he's planning to go away for 2 weeks once covid restrictions are eased with his 2 friends who are single.

We've had an argument tonignt as i've said i don't understand why it can't be a week, at least then our time apart doesn't feel so long, as if his job stays the same as it is now it will be

3 weeks work away
1 day seeing me
2 weeks holiday
1 day seeing me
3 weeks work away

Maybe i'm being unreasonable but I started an argument tonight for 2 reasons

  1. the time he'll have away
  2. that he hasn't mentioned any holiday with me, everything is just all about this 2-week holiday So when he mentioned it again on a phone call, i don't know why but i just snapped
OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 04/03/2021 23:51

Do you and him go on holiday together at all?

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 23:52

@ConDen193

Boyfriend and I are both 25. Been together for 2 and a half years. Generally we are happy but there's one argument we always have: holidays.

I don't mind boyfriend going on holiday whatsoever but he wants to go on 2 week long ones.
I wouldn't mind this but he works away a lot.
So he can be away for 3 weeks straight and then have 2 weeks at home.

So he's planning to go away for 2 weeks once covid restrictions are eased with his 2 friends who are single.

We've had an argument tonignt as i've said i don't understand why it can't be a week, at least then our time apart doesn't feel so long, as if his job stays the same as it is now it will be

3 weeks work away
1 day seeing me
2 weeks holiday
1 day seeing me
3 weeks work away

Maybe i'm being unreasonable but I started an argument tonight for 2 reasons

  1. the time he'll have away
  2. that he hasn't mentioned any holiday with me, everything is just all about this 2-week holiday So when he mentioned it again on a phone call, i don't know why but i just snapped
Do you ever suggest any holidays together or are you waiting for him to?
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/03/2021 23:53

How often would these holidays be? If it’s once or twice a year, I wouldn’t mind. If you’re regularly only seeing him for a day a month, I’m not sure I could be bothered with the relationship. I accept that’s all the time some people have together, but he would be choosing this.

You are controlling about the length of holiday. If the other 2 are going for a fortnight, it would be disappointing to miss out. There are some holidays that can’t be done in a week.

Enough4me · 04/03/2021 23:53

Controlling would be you saying he cannot go. You are looking for midway ground, a compromise of a week, which is reasonable.

Original poster
ConDen193 · 04/03/2021 23:53

We've been on one "proper" holiday together but more small one or two nights away in UK, with covid, obviously we haven't been able to go anywhere which is why i think i'm upset that his first thought for holiday was a 2 week away with his friends and just a passive one about me and him

OP posts:
Original poster
ConDen193 · 04/03/2021 23:55

Yes i do suggest holidays. On the phone tonight, i brought up that he's been planning this trip away and all i've had back when i asked about a holiday was a passive "we'll sort something out right at the end of the year"

OP posts:
Ermidunno · 04/03/2021 23:57

At 25 I’d say going on holiday with friends for a week or 2 is a normal and healthy thing. I know I did it. I also went on holiday with my then boyfriend too and he went on boys weeks away. It wasn’t my place to give permission, I’m not his mother. Now we’re married and have children he wouldn’t ask for more than a long weekend because he has children to care for. He goes on about 2 weekends away a year to see friends who don’t live nearby and I encourage it. He works away a lot normally too but it’s good to maintain friendships. I go once every couple of years but have a lot more nights and days out.

Tinkerbell456 · 04/03/2021 23:57

Seems a lot of time away. I would also wonder why he wouldn’t want to spend some holiday time with you. I don’t think you’re being controlling at all. Some couples need more time together than others, but I would not like this myself.

okokok000 · 04/03/2021 23:58

He isn't hiding the fact that holidaying with his friends is higher on his list of priorities than with you. This would tick me off particularly as he has fobbed you off. How is your relationship otherwise?

Original poster
ConDen193 · 04/03/2021 23:59

@Ermidunno i would find it completely okay if he lived locally so i didn't already go weeks without seeing him.
Last year, he was working away for 3 months straight abroad without seeing him.

If he lived close by, i'd be definitely fine with 2 weeks but because he's away for 3 weeks anyway, it just seems a bit of a kick in the stomach that i'll potentially be going 8 weeks without seeing him,
When you add in the:
3 weeks work
2 weeks holiday
3 weeks work,

If it was a 1 week holiday, at least we'd have 1 week of seeing each other to break it up

OP posts:
Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:01

@okokok000 we are happy most of the time, It's just this holiday business we clash about; we can't seem to compromise

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 05/03/2021 00:02

I wouldn't like this. You can't change him though so all you can do is make a decision about whether you want this to continue.

Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:02

I'm working tomorrow and I can't sleep because he hung up on me and we haven't spoke since and i hate sleeping on an argument

OP posts:
Ermidunno · 05/03/2021 00:03

[quote ConDen193]@Ermidunno i would find it completely okay if he lived locally so i didn't already go weeks without seeing him.
Last year, he was working away for 3 months straight abroad without seeing him.

If he lived close by, i'd be definitely fine with 2 weeks but because he's away for 3 weeks anyway, it just seems a bit of a kick in the stomach that i'll potentially be going 8 weeks without seeing him,
When you add in the:
3 weeks work
2 weeks holiday
3 weeks work,

If it was a 1 week holiday, at least we'd have 1 week of seeing each other to break it up[/quote]
I know, and obviously it is a long time but at 25 he still needs his friendships and to be out enjoying himself with them. His work pattern sounds difficult but it shouldn’t mean he has to choose between you and his friends. If he won’t commit to a holiday with you though I’d be thinking he isn’t that serious.

Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:06

@Ermidunno i completely agree he still needs his friendships but I don't see why it has to be 2 weeks, especially when we go so long without seeing each other anyway,
Maybe i'm being unreasonable but I can't force myself to be happy about potentionally not seeing him for 8 weeks :( ahhh my brain is everywhere

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 05/03/2021 00:06

If you aren't living together then I would think it's up to him.
That's not to say I'd like it, though.

Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:07

@MorriseysGladioli yes i agree, he'll do what he wants at the end of the day,
It just makes me think "what's the point?" though in terms of me

OP posts:
Sapho47 · 05/03/2021 00:07

[quote ConDen193]@Ermidunno i would find it completely okay if he lived locally so i didn't already go weeks without seeing him.
Last year, he was working away for 3 months straight abroad without seeing him.

If he lived close by, i'd be definitely fine with 2 weeks but because he's away for 3 weeks anyway, it just seems a bit of a kick in the stomach that i'll potentially be going 8 weeks without seeing him,
When you add in the:
3 weeks work
2 weeks holiday
3 weeks work,

If it was a 1 week holiday, at least we'd have 1 week of seeing each other to break it up[/quote]
Why didn't you go out and visit him?

Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:08

@Sapho47 i couldn't because of covid

OP posts:
Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:09

And I work in a school so it's not worth the risk if the country he was in got put on the quarantine list

OP posts:
Sapho47 · 05/03/2021 00:10

[quote ConDen193]@Sapho47 i couldn't because of covid[/quote]
So its a one off?

Why get upset about something caused by a temporary major world event unlikely to repeat?

If its anything like when my dp works away he won't be allowed to travel home (without losing extra money) so you have to go to him.

Just remember from his perspective he's away all this time comes back and sees you but you never make the effort to see him when he's working away

UrsulaBee · 05/03/2021 00:10

You’ve posted about this before

Original poster
ConDen193 · 05/03/2021 00:11

@UrsulaBee definitely haven't

OP posts:
Sapho47 · 05/03/2021 00:11

@ConDen193

And I work in a school so it's not worth the risk if the country he was in got put on the quarantine list
So again the problem solves itself.
Ermidunno · 05/03/2021 00:11

Is he on the rigs? I wouldn’t be happy with 2 weeks either but I think the issue is possibly whether his work pattern is compatible with what you want from a relationship. I know I wouldn’t like it but I’d still be wanting my holidays away with my mates. We used to go long haul so it was 2 weeks or more usually.