Am I controlling?

[ConDen193]

Boyfriend and I are both 25. Been together for 2 and a half years. Generally we are happy but there's one argument we always have: holidays.

I don't mind boyfriend going on holiday whatsoever but he wants to go on 2 week long ones.
I wouldn't mind this but he works away a lot.
So he can be away for 3 weeks straight and then have 2 weeks at home.

So he's planning to go away for 2 weeks once covid restrictions are eased with his 2 friends who are single.

We've had an argument tonignt as i've said i don't understand why it can't be a week, at least then our time apart doesn't feel so long, as if his job stays the same as it is now it will be

3 weeks work away
1 day seeing me
2 weeks holiday
1 day seeing me
3 weeks work away

Maybe i'm being unreasonable but I started an argument tonight for 2 reasons

1. the time he'll have away
2. that he hasn't mentioned any holiday with me, everything is just all about this 2-week holiday So when he mentioned it again on a phone call, i don't know why but i just snapped

The description that I am hearing of this relationship leads me to consider that calling him a boyfriend is over-egging it. You don't live in the same country, at the best of times you rarely see each other, and you occasionally get together for company / sex. Nothing wrong with that, but it isn't a relationship that is going anywhere. It seems that you think it is, but he doesn't. There's nothing wrong with either of your expectations in theory - but they are obviously diametrically opposed!

The problem is not that he isn't speaking to you about holidays. The problem is that you have an expectation which he hasn't agreed to and you expect him to! Your expectation is that you are a priority for him and that means that other people and activities are secondary. He doesn't agree to that.

You must either accept that he doesn't want the type of relationship that you want, or accept the terms of the relationship as he wants. You can't change him. Personally, I doubt this will ever go anywhere as a relationship, but that is a choice only you can make.

The holiday wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me but all that working away would be. Combine the two and I see why you’re annoyed. It’s not really his fault though.

There's a possibility that he views ypur relationship as a casual thing and says/does enough to keep it going. You are making the compromises, lack of time together/holidays, while his life is as he wants it. It's fine that he doesn't want a commitment at 25 and he is showing you that he doesn't. He's just doing what most young men do, they don't say it.

@Maybe83, you should also be telling your DD to be honest and admit that it's a casual thing, not a proper boyfriend.

OP, if he won't make definite plans with you, then decide if you really want to continue to be available when he decides he's got time for you. If not end it. These years should be fun. You should be having fun together and at around 25, you are mature enough to break away slightly from your peer group to persue a relationship.

@ponoka7 a boyfriend is just that. Someone you have sex with regularly and usually exclusively, go on dates with, have nights in and out and go on holidays with.

I'm not sure what a "proper boyfriend" means.

Planning to go on holidays with your friends doesn't change that. Are they at the stage they are talking about moving in together? Buying a home? Getting married or having children.

If not then that's what they are boyfriend and girlfriend seeing each other.

Which means they are entitled to plan their lives and time individually in way they can't if they were in a more seriously committed relationship.

So in eight weeks you see him for two days? He's not your boyfriend.

I think you're on a hiding to nowhere trying to change his behaviour. The question you need to ask yourself is whether it's worth continuing to pursue the relationship.

I think I’d be leaving this one op, he doesn’t sound like he values you very much and seems happy to go long stretches of time without seeing you. Cut your losses and move on

Do you live together? Have kids?

OP,

You think this is a relationship but it doesn't sound like one to me.

It sounds like the most casual thing.

You have hung around for 2.5 years?

I think you should move on.

He's really not that pushed.

You are young, stop wasting time on someone who is clearly not that into you.

Are you a connection while he works away?

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

How often would these holidays be? If it’s once or twice a year, I wouldn’t mind. If you’re regularly only seeing him for a day a month, I’m not sure I could be bothered with the relationship. I accept that’s all the time some people have together, but he would be choosing this.

You are controlling about the length of holiday. If the other 2 are going for a fortnight, it would be disappointing to miss out. There are some holidays that can’t be done in a week.

So if he's only on holiday without her 4 weeks a year, that's fine? What's left for her then, a couple of stray days off?

Kind of sounds like he's just not that into you. Sorry.

I don't think your lifestyles are compatible unfortunately

Do something for yourself, rather than relying on him.

I’d be fuming if someone stopped be doing something reasonable I wanted to do at 25 with no responsibilities. If not then, when? Including the fact it’s been a shit year for everyone.

YANBU. I was about to post that of course he should go away when he wants to etc etc but OP the fact that he is prioritising holidays over holidays with you does not bode well.

This happened with an ex and it was the start of the end of the relationship.

So if he's only on holiday without her 4 weeks a year, that's fine? What's left for her then, a couple of stray days off?

@Fedup5682 any of the other two week breaks between his 3-on-2-off stints working away