Am I controlling?

[ConDen193]

Boyfriend and I are both 25. Been together for 2 and a half years. Generally we are happy but there's one argument we always have: holidays.

I don't mind boyfriend going on holiday whatsoever but he wants to go on 2 week long ones.
I wouldn't mind this but he works away a lot.
So he can be away for 3 weeks straight and then have 2 weeks at home.

So he's planning to go away for 2 weeks once covid restrictions are eased with his 2 friends who are single.

We've had an argument tonignt as i've said i don't understand why it can't be a week, at least then our time apart doesn't feel so long, as if his job stays the same as it is now it will be

3 weeks work away
1 day seeing me
2 weeks holiday
1 day seeing me
3 weeks work away

Maybe i'm being unreasonable but I started an argument tonight for 2 reasons

1. the time he'll have away
2. that he hasn't mentioned any holiday with me, everything is just all about this 2-week holiday So when he mentioned it again on a phone call, i don't know why but i just snapped

It would be easier to swallow if you had agreed on a holiday for just you two, as well.

@Sapho47 ayyy? So I have to give up my career to follow him?

@Sapho47 i'm really confused what you're saying

I don’t think you’re controlling by the way, you just have different thoughts and expectations.

@MorriseysGladioli 10000% agree! I think the fact he's not speaking about holidays with me is the problem

Sorry to says, but it sounds like you place more Importance on seeing him, than he does on seeing you.

From his casual response about sorting something out with you at the end of the year...time with you isn't his priority.

He obviously knows his work and travel schedule and it's fine with him not to see you for several weeks. I'd be wondering (if I was planning a future with him) whether I'd be left at home with the kids while he's having so much time away from home.

It's not controlling to want something and to ask.your partner for it. If you were aggressive, if you gave him days of silent treatment because of it or something like that, that would be controlling. Asking for your own wants to be taken into account is totally healthy.

Here's two questions: does this relationship make you happy? And, in the future, assuming you wanted kids - how would it be for you if your bf was to take his current negotiating tactics (do what I want now, make vague promises to @conden193 about later) into discussions about say him doing enough childcare so that you can work, or who deals with the night takings, or what to do if your MIL started feeding your 3 month old chips or things like that? Would you enjoy resolving those sorts of conflicts with bf if he acts the way he does now?

I feel like about a million years old saying this but at 25, with no family pressures, young, fit, both working, a relationship should be a pure joy. If you find yourself working at it, it's too hard. There's nice, kind blokes out there that will prioritise their girlfriends and wives. Get one of them while they're still fresh

It’s not controlling to have an opinion, but if you repeatedly have the same argument, as your opening sentence suggests then it could be a bit if he’s made his point very clear and you are trying to change his mind constantly.

It’s up to him what he does. It’s up to you to decide if that’s acceptable to you and if you want to continue in a relationship with him.

Having a chat once or twice is fine. If it’s a repeated thing then it’s not really on, you hit a point where you need to decide if him having an annual holiday with his mates is acceptable to you and if it’s not move on and find someone who has the same values and wishes as you.

Otherwise the only person you are making sad and stressed is yourself, and no guy is worth that.

I assume he is used to being away for periods so it is not a big thing to him. 2 weeks does seem a long time to go away with friends but we don't know the context- trip of life time they've planned for years and finally getting on with it, someone having a hard time and needing support for a particular reason , all the others have no partner and he wants to keep up with friends , special activity . I don't think you are controlling to say this is a bit pants when you've not got a break planned too and he isn't bothered but also he can be annoyed that you are giving him a hard time about his plans. Try and communicate better between you or decide this relationship isn't for you.

3 weeks away
1 day seeing me
2 weeks holiday
1 day seeing me
3 weeks holiday

This is not a cycle on repeat though is it? Surely it is a one off, as most people cannot afford to holiday every two weeks out of ten, nor have the different friends available to holiday with.

As a one off, I think it is fine. It is normal for 25 year old to go on holiday with friends and that is the only way he can fit it in with his work. If everybody else is going away for two weeks I can understand why he would want to as well.

If I am wrong and you do only see him 2 days in every ten week cycle, then you need to decide if that is enough for you or not (it wouldn’t be for me) because it doesn’t sound like you are going to change it, in any case would you want to strong arm someone into spending time with you.

My thought is that he isn’t that into you. He doesn’t seem ready to have a serious relationship with you. It’s easy to pretend to yourself he’s serious with you with the small amount of time that you spend together. Speaking on the phone is easy for him to do and takes very little effort. Don’t settle for someone, who sees you as an option rather than his first choice.

*eight not ten, can’t count. 😊

You’re not his priority, his friends are. I don’t think you’re controlling. I think you both have different expectations about the relationship.

Does it suit you to have a boyfriend that’s mainly absent? If not, it sounds like the relationship has run its course.

I think you just have different expectations from this relationship.

At 25, you're both young and I don't inherently see a problem with two week trips abroad with friends - I suspect he doesn't want to feel like he's "giving that up" for you - ie. he's not really that committed to the relationship.

I don't think he's wrong but I don't think you are either! You just want different things.

@Sapho47 you can't always just "go out and visit" people working abroad

He can't help the working away and must miss out on tons of socialising.

Why must working away control his whole life so he misses out of mates holidays?

YABU, but not controlling, unless you've said he can't go.

I understand why you’re upset, but think about it from his perspective - he probably hasn’t been on a holiday in at least a year and he now has a chance to go away with his mates for two weeks, at a time when he probably can’t go away with you because you work in a school and so your holiday time is very restrictive (as a teacher, trust me, I know how difficult it can be!) and you’re trying to halve it because you want to see him, at a time when you’ll likely be working anyway.

I would just let him go - you’re both young and deserve to make the most of life! You don’t want to feel like you’re restricting him. BUT you should definitely plan something fun for the two of you to do together - maybe another exciting holiday - so that you both have something to look forward to together.

Not much of a relationship is it? No wonder you get on. You never see each other. When you try and push him to want to see you that's when you fall out.

@ConDen193

We've been on one "proper" holiday together but more small one or two nights away in UK, with covid, obviously we haven't been able to go anywhere which is why i think i'm upset that his first thought for holiday was a 2 week away with his friends and just a passive one about me and him

Move on. He's shown you what his priorities are.

I don’t think you’re controlling. I think you need to have a really good think about what you want from a relationship and whether he can give you that. And also, whether the relationship is equal in terms of you both wanting to spend time together.

It reminds me of a guy I used to go out with. He travelled a lot for work. He was also from a different country so would travel to see family and friends. After going out for a while I realised that what he wanted from the relationship was to spend time together in the U.K. but not to have any contact while he was abroad. We ended up breaking up because of this.

I’m not saying this is like your relationship, but just that you should seriously think through what you want and whether you’re getting it.

He's telling you were you are on his list of priorities - listen. This is a much more serious commitment for you than it is for him.

It doesn’t seem like you’re very high on his priority list. He cares more about his friends than you.

Sounds like you don’t know each other that well.

So I am thinking if my dd who is 19 came to me at 25 and was working away. Was in a relationship and was thinking of planning a two week holiday with her friends when covid allowed and her boyfriend wasn't happy what would I say to her.

I would tell her you don't live together, you aren't engaged and don't have children go on the holiday with your friends and plan something with her boyfriend.

I wouldn't be telling her to miss out on it because her boyfriend was unhappy.

So I dont think your boyfriend is unreasonable. If I was you I would look to arrange something with your friends and plan something with him later in the year.

I don't think he's is being awful or that you are controlling but it's not like he's saying this is going to be a routine? Its just a holiday with friends, at a time you wouldn't be available anyway?