Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

[Guavaf1sh]

Grabby

[Thehop]

Though I also would provide very well for my old age and my children’s if I got millions of an inheritance! Doesn’t sound like they managed the money well.

[echt]

Mumsnet posters tend to be vehemently anti-inheritance but I agree with you OP. If they’ve frittered several million living it up and only gave you £25k I think you have a right to feel hurt

The OP imagines it was millions. As for frittering it away, aren't they entitled to enjoy themselves?

I didn’t ask to go to the private school. I didn’t like it much

So that invalidates the sacrifice they made in your youth, as you make clear in your OP?

You discount the education, discount the 25K leg-up.

Nothing seems to matter except more money for you.

[Merryoldgoat]

Actually if I inherited £2m I’d give a few gifts and my child a deposit and secure my future so I wasn’t a financial burden to my children - that would feel like the biggest gift frankly.

DH & BIL are the beneficiaries of their parents’ estate which is probably something in the region of £1.5m atm. However they’d rather be left zero and their parents have a comfortable end-of-life.

I DO understand how it must feel, but you need to let the resentment go.

A job you love is the holy grail.

[echt]

@CeibaTree

I think some posters are giving a you a bit of a hard time. If they earned the money themselves then I guess fair enough for them to have spent it in a way, but as they inherited it themselves and it was millions, I can see why you are a bit miffed. If I inherited millions and had grown up children at the time I wouldn't just give them a deposit I would buy a house for them.

It wasn't millions.

[Shnuffles]

OP, you'll probably get a hard time, based on every inheritance thread I've ever read, but I don't think it's unreasonable.

Yes, legally, every bit they inherited was theirs to do with as they pleased. Yes, they gave you a good education and helped you buy your home. That was good of them. And you may inherit something more from their home, if there's anything left over.

However... The huge amount of money they inherited wasn't something they earned, so it feels less "morally" their money to fritter away in its entirety. I'd wonder what the person they inherited from would've wanted, and I feel it's a safe bet that they didn't envision it being spent up with nothing (much) left over for the next generation.

In your place, I'd be hurt and disappointed. Spending almost all of it on themselves seem a bit cold to me. If you're independently wealthy and have the ability to leave something for your children/grandchildren (and have a happy relationship with them), I think you should do so. It seems like the right thing to do, imo.

[SeptemberAlexandra]

YABU and sound absolutely awful. You’ve been given a start that many people can only dream of. Instead of being grateful for what they have done and glad that your parents have had a comfortable life; you moan because you feel you should have had more money and didn’t like private school. If you have a low income get a different job.

I’m so glad that my children are nothing like you. This week I had a conversation with my eldest daughter about my will and why my assets are divided the way they are. Her response was I don’t care about the money or the houses, I’d rather you were here.

[therealteamdebbie]

Have you parents given you nothing at all, just the 20k all those years ago?

Yes, I do find that weird.

If I had a few millions, I'd take care of my kids but I would also not be tight over presents and holidays ... No one in my family is less than generous as it stands, so I can't see it being any different if there was more to spend.

One (generous) gift and that's it, I agree, I find it very weird.

[mcclucky]

Grabby, I'm afraid.

You are in a low paid job which you love and wouldn't change for the world, so you have decided to limit your own income. You.

They raised you in a big house. They travelled with you. They put you through private school. They've even helped you with a house deposit.

Your parents have already done more than enough to give you a good start in life. Let them enjoy the end of their lives without resenting them.

Money isn't love. When your parents are gone, a pile of cash isn't going to replace your relationship with them. People often mistake inheritance for a sign of how much the deceased person loved them - that's not what it is at all.

If you're unhappy with your financial situation, you'll have to sacrifice a job you love for one that pays more money. It'll probably be more stressful, but if your priority is to retire as soon as you possibly can, that's the option you're left with. Life is full of compromises - you make your own choices.

I can't imagine a world where I'd rather my parents went without good quality private dental care just to leave me a pile of cash. People rarely get dental work done if they're really happy about the state of their teeth. And if you're retired, it's important to keep up hobbies so your mind doesn't switch off - it's one of the preventative measures you can take to avoid mental decline. I'd rather my parents stay as sharp for as long as possible, so we can still have a proper conversation.

I just... I think you're very much in the wrong here. I also think your parents would be extremely hurt if they realised how you felt.

[pallisers]

@Fifthtimelucky

You've certainly been luckier than most, but it's all relative, isn't it.

I know that if I had inherited several million I would have given my children a lot more than £25k of it.

I agree with this.

I mightn't have given a lot more to my children but I would have earmarked more than 25k for their future and maybe their children's future.

Most bad feelings about inheritance are less about money and more about realising you just weren't important enough to the person as you thought you were.

[Thislittlefinger123]

Usually I'm in the inheritance doesn't exist until someone has died and left it to you (ie their money their choice). But as a parent if I had that level of wealth I know I would definitely be thinking of providing more support for my DC after I'm gone.

There's a middle ground between spending all of it (except as others point out, the deposit you received which was obviously generous) and spending all of it. They could still have had an amazing time for decades and still set up a modest (compared to their total wealth) trust for your DC for example.

You do need to find a way to accept it though, it will only make you bitter.

[Ermidunno]

Who was the inheritance from? Did they not leave you anything? I’ve only had 2 inheritances (still lucky I know), both great grandparents. One was £100 and the other £1000. My parents received more and my grandparents more than them. I never expected them to share because I was struggling at the time.
We can’t afford private school for our DC but we are saving for them for university and a possible house deposit and I think that is more than most will get.
Your parents have had a happy and full life and you should just be happy of that and of how they love you.

[Sanchez79]

Wow you really have no idea how privileged you are do you?

I don't even mean in comparison to families who live in poverty, but just in comparison to everyday middle class people (who themselves are privileged) . Between the private education and leg up onto the property ladder your parents really couldn't have done more to get you ahead in life (the holidays abroad won't have done any harm either). Good on them for having the sense to invest in you young, when their money would have more impact and they got to see you enjoy it.

There's no money in my immediate family - but my elderly aunt married into a wealthy family and they have one daughter. They are unbelievably tight on the proviso they want to leave everything to her - yet they never bothered to put their hand in their pocket when she left an abusive partner and ended up in a damp council flat with a small baby. Or when she got made redundant. Or when she was out of work for months due to sickness and paying for childcare. Their stingy, penny pinching ways also mean that the 'prized' house she's likely inherit is an absolute shit tip.

[areyoumeop]

slightly similar to you OP , DPs started earning well after us kids had left home after struggling from childhood poverty and having a low income and raising children. My siblings (except one) have actively encouraged them to spend it all on holidays, etc as they deserve it . Us kids may not earn much but certainly don't expect to be subsidised by them. As the world is different now i personally have been planning for my kids future since they were born as they will probably need it more than i will, but they may tell me to spend it too

[Thislittlefinger123]

Gah, typing with one hand... I mean there's something in between spending every penny, and living frugally in order to leave it all to you.

[Notanotherfreak]

What a grim read.

[therealteamdebbie]

I still would be different from your parents, but in all honestly, I would be very disappointed if my kids wasted private education and had expectations to get something from us and stuck with a low-paid job. That does sound a bit grabby.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

Not meaning to sound sanctimonious (I'm sure I'm far from alone in this), but if I suddenly had £3m or more, I would want to spend it on the things that would bring me the most lasting joy and pleasure in life - and right at the top of that list of what would make me happiest would be the ability to financially set up my child(ren) and (as yet theoretical) grandchildren for life.

And to think that I would be able to do it as well as being set for life myself and still buying myself just about anything I could possibly want in life. Just why wouldn't you, assuming you love (or even just like) your family?

[FeelthewrathofthesuperRad]

Do you actually know the contents of their will?
Do you know how much is left?
Perhaps they have put money in a trust for you?

Or perhaps they have put money in a trust for your children?

[wewillmeetagain]

You went to private school, they already gave you money albeit indirectly.

[friendlycat]

But presumably you are going to inherit a valuable asset their house. This surely represents hundreds of thousands from what you mention. Then in addition you don’t know what other investments they may have.

[Lockdownschmockdown]

@Viviennemary and others your posts are unfair and judgy.
Making sure my kids will be fine is my top priority.
When I said low paid job, I meant a fairly low paid professional job in which, despite being an LP since my kids where both under 5, I have worked my butt off and am now in management.
And I didn’t choose for their dad to have a violent streak which he only unleashed on us after the kids were born.
You make it sound as if I have been languishing away waiting for an inheritance! It’s the opposite! I do nothing but plan and save for the future of my kids!
I said in the OP that I didn’t expect anything from my parents but a small part of me felt sad that they spent over 2 million bucks without a second thought as it is not the way I think about my own kids’ future.

[JustLyra]

@Lockdownschmockdown

Yes the £20k was approx one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat iirc.

I get what you are all saying.

I didn’t ask to go to the private school. I didn’t like it much.

Honestly ask yourselves, ‘if I had approx 2 million to spend, what percentage would I give my DC?’ I’d put at least half of it in trust for my kids, especially if I was a healthy 40 something with a successful business.This is what I struggle with, not the actual financial implications, more not understanding it on an emotional level.

If a one bed flat cost £120k in 1996 when the London average house price was 79k and the rest of the UK was 56k turn presumably you made a good profit when you sold?

You don’t even know how much they inherited... you are assuming.

[victoriaspongecake]

Goodness you should be ashamed to actually have posted this.