Inheritance Shame

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

[CherryPieface]

Crikey, you’ve had a huge amount from your parents - everything from a very, very comfortable childhood to what you laughingly describe as a small loan. I thought you were going to say £200, but you think £20k! You can’t even remember. Gosh, you’re not coming across very well.

[Lockdownschmockdown]

Yes the £20k was approx one sixth of the cost of a one bed flat iirc.

I get what you are all saying.

I didn’t ask to go to the private school. I didn’t like it much.

Honestly ask yourselves, ‘if I had approx 2 million to spend, what percentage would I give my DC?’ I’d put at least half of it in trust for my kids, especially if I was a healthy 40 something with a successful business.This is what I struggle with, not the actual financial implications, more not understanding it on an emotional level.

[jay55]

They would have been grieving. And possibly decided to make sure they didn't have the life of the person they inherited from.
And I imagine they didn't know back then, that you'd be a single parent in a low paying job.

[Sittingonabench]

Some people think that your job as a parent is not to provide for your children when they become adults, but to prepare them to be self sufficient and independent adults. It sounds like your parents succeeded in that and made the sacrifices expected of parents so I don’t think it is unreasonable for them to enjoy their money rather than hoard it to pass it on to you.

[ohwaitthatwasme]

So AiBU and a grabby cow?

Very.


Or do you see where I’m coming from?

Not at all.

It wasn't until I came on mumsnet that I realised people's expectations of other people's money.

Good on them for spending and enjoying their life.

I hope they leave the house to the local cat shelter

[jennytheonionslayer]

I see your point OP, you can use money and enjoy money without depleting money.

This is the basis of good financial planning and they haven't managed the wealth very well.

For example If two people inherit £30k, one buys a new car which 15 years later is worthless, whilst the other buys a beach hut which is now worth £45k.

Both parties enjoyed their purchase no doubt, but one spent it, whilst the other used it.

Your parents seem firmly in the former unfortunately.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

My parents had a lovely lifestyle due to good jobs and excellent pensions etc. The most they gave me was £1,000 to help with conveyancing fees when I bought my first flat in 1986 (it was actually a loan but they never called me on it) but I didn't expect anything more
I'm grateful that they were able to support themselves (I know people who've had to support their parents due to bad life choices) and were fulfilled people having enough money to be able to travel and do things that made them happy in retirement.
They used to joke "look what we've spent your inheritance on now?
And I said "Good! It's yours and I want you to be happy"
Try thinking of it that way maybe?

[Womencanlift]

YABVU - you do realise that your parents priority is their own life not yours. I would be both guilty and unhappy if my parents were fortunate to have a wonderful retirement like yours seems to have but didn’t because they were saving for me

As an adult you are responsible for your own wealth not your parents

[DarcyJack]

Ffs we are about to give ds £25k house deposit soon, in today's money. How you must be sneering at that! £20K all that time ago was huge. So you'd like another 50 grand now as well? That does sound a bit unreasonable to be honest. And very likely you will get something from the house anyway.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

How do you know it's all 'gone' on transient items and experiences? For all you know, they could have put a load in trust for you (and any siblings) and then, you very well provided for, enjoyed themselves with the rest; i.e. they've nearly spent all of their money but not touched yours? They might have been very forward-thinking with tax planning and provision for the younger generations.

I agree with PPs that you've already been privileged - and that £20K is not a 'minor' sum; but speaking for myself, if I came into serious money, I would make it a top priority that my child(ren) would get a huge amount of benefit from a large chunk of it and, hopefully, be set up for life (still keeping plenty for fun for myself, though!)

[OuiOuiKitty]

My parents are poor and it makes me so sad knowing that they have dreams that they will probably never get to live out. Places they want to see, things they want to experience. They are people in their own right and they deserve to enjoy their lives, I think you are being pretty selfish, you should be happy knowing thay your parents have gotten to live the lives they wanted.

It might be easy for me to say though given that there was never any expectation that I would either be given or inherit money. Maybe I would feel differently if I grew up wealthy like you did(and yes big house, private school and a holiday a year is wealthy in my eyes).

[Snookie00]

Mumsnet posters tend to be vehemently anti-inheritance but I agree with you OP. If they’ve frittered several million living it up and only gave you £25k I think you have a right to feel hurt.

I don’t advocate parents living in poverty to allow their kids to get an inheritance but there is no way anyone in my family would blow such large sums of money whilst our children were struggling. The joy of having money is to enrich your life and the lives of your loved ones - children, grandchildren. I think they sound selfish.

[PrincessTuna]

I know what you mean OP. I cant imagine having this "you cant take it with you" attitude while ignoring the fact you could make a huge difference to your kid's lifestyle.

My parents have been fantastic tbh. I was in a financial mess after divorce and they helped me out saying they'd rather see me benefit now than wait till after theyve gone. Their parents were similarly generous with them. If I get the chance I will pay it forward with my kids.

[Lockdownschmockdown]

@jennytheonionslayer sums it up

I see your point OP, you can use money and enjoy money without depleting money.

This is the basis of good financial planning and they haven't managed the wealth very well.

For example If two people inherit £30k, one buys a new car which 15 years later is worthless, whilst the other buys a beach hut which is now worth £45k.

Both parties enjoyed their purchase no doubt, but one spent it, whilst the other used it.

Your parents seem firmly in the former unfortunately.

It’s not that I expect anything from them. I just find their mindset different to the way I’d behave.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

Ffs we are about to give ds £25k house deposit soon, in today's money. How you must be sneering at that! £20K all that time ago was huge. So you'd like another 50 grand now as well?

But is that out of several millions? I can see where OP is coming from: not pleading poverty at all, but basing her thinking on the money they have had access to. 'Several millions' suggests at least £3m - they could have easily (might have already, in fact) put aside/given £1m from that and not even noticed it gone.

[whiteroseredrose]

I understand what you mean.

If it was their hard earned cash they were spending it would be one thing, but it's inherited money. It makes you wonder why it never occurred to them to think of allowing you an inheritance too.

My DStepF inherited a lot from his aunt when he was in his 40s which set him and my DM up. Things were quite tight until then. They sometimes forget that it was this that initially made them comfortable rather than their earnings, and that DH and I are not in the same position despite hard work.

[SquizzaMama]

My husband had a very privileged childhood. His parents weren’t born into wealth, but they worked very hard and made a lot of money.

They retired early and live abroad for 7 months of the year and why not - they deserve to! They always say they are Ski-ing...Spending Kids Inheritance- and good on them! They worked really hard.

It’s not your parents responsibility to set you up for life. If they choose to - then great, but as an adult it’s up to you to make sure you have everything that you and your children need.

We chose to set up bank accounts when our child was born, so when he comes of age, he will have a substantial amount for a car / house deposit etc- but that’s our choice.

[Viviennemary]

Save a bit for you. Get real. You had a private education which is a great privilege. A large deposit for a house. Talk about expectations. Will you be doing as much for your own child. Doesn't look like it.

[Hellodarknessmyoldpal]

Surely if they really inherited Several MILLIONS (did i read that wrong?!) that would go a lot further than some good holidays and a nice new set of gnashers?! They must have some quite valuable assets that will be left to you. Or are you just assuming there is no money left? Or maybe i am being nieve as i have never been a millionaire and maybe they have blown through it all but i would still assume quite a substantial amount will be tied up in their home.

[HensTeeth44]

Wow. Just wow. YABVU

[LunaHeather]

@Ermidunno

In a few years you’ll get an inheritance and be happy. Unfortunately it comes at the cost of your parents.

Um....where to start

Firstly, the loss of parents is not always sad.

Secondly, if they have no other assets, OP might not inherit anything.

OP I do understand why you are pissed off and if my parents had inherited, they would have allocated a chunk for their children.

My goddaughter's parents have inherited and have even started a pension for her, as well as, I think, a trust fund.

Btw I am wondering what happened to their teeth that they needed a full set of implants! But yes, I understand.

[Lemmeout]

Oh fgs stop it! You do not have to benefit from everything your parents do or have. You appear very “grabby”.

[Thehop]

If o can ever manage to put my kids through private school and give them a house deposit, plus leave them my house I’ll consider myself as having done a bloody lot for them!!

[Jonnywishbone]

You had a private education and picked a "low paid challenging job". Your position is your responsibility not your parents. You chose to have a low paid job or you can chose to do something about it.

[CeibaTree]

I think some posters are giving a you a bit of a hard time. If they earned the money themselves then I guess fair enough for them to have spent it in a way, but as they inherited it themselves and it was millions, I can see why you are a bit miffed. If I inherited millions and had grown up children at the time I wouldn't just give them a deposit I would buy a house for them.