AIBU to expect that DP will do some housework while he's on parental leave

[Etherealhedgehog]

5 month old DD is a joy but currently naps only on me or in the pram, and night sleep is not great (hello never-ending sleep regression!). We're taking steps to try and improve matters but want to be gentle so it will take time. This plus COVID plus the fact that we're in a one-bed rental and trying to buy our first flat means that my maternity leave is a bit of a slog, with no time to recharge or get stuff done in the day. I'm living for the weekends, when it's still a slog but at least there are two of us to share the load.

I'm going back to work at 9 months and DP will be taking three months of SPL subsequent to that - something that was really important to both of us.

Earlier DP joked about 'imagine how amazing it will be if by the time I'm on parental leave we're in our own flat and she's finally napping in the cot.' Funnily enough I didn't guffaw with laughter, because this is probably exactly what will happen and it feels desperately unfair (obviously I still hope it happens - life's unfair, I know). I then said I hope he understood that if DD is napping X hours a day in the cot by then, a good chunk of that time should be spent doing housework/life admin etc, it's not just for watching Netflix and gaming.

He took great offence at this and said that while yes OF COURSE he would do some housework etc in that time, he thinks my stance is anti-feminist. That if you believe that looking after a baby is a full-time job then you should be in favour of whichever parent is doing it using nap time primarily for downtime, so that the other tasks (all housework, life admin etc) are split equally between both partners on evenings and weekends.

Apparently if I was getting three hours of baby free naptime atm, he would be all in favour of me spending it all watching Netflix and leaving the laundry and dishes to be done by one or the other of us after he finishes work. I reckon that's easy for him to say given that's not our reality right now (I should add that napping when the baby naps I see differently and am all in favour of - if there's an opportunity to catch up on needed sleep then go for it!)

So....

YABU - looking after a baby is hard. Chill out all you want whenever they're sleeping. The chores can wait til your partner gets home.

YANBU - if one partner is working 9-5 in an office it's reasonable to expect the other partner is working approximately those hours at home. By all means take some of that naptime every day to chill and recharge, but a good chunk of it should be used to get necessary housework and life admin done, giving both of you more time to enjoy evenings and weekends

As a sahm i do all the household admin and most of the chores while looking after 3 kids under 8. Evening and weekends are for us all to chill out. So yanbu.

It’s a bit of both.

Obviously a parent looking after w baby needs some down time, especially if there is often night waking, but they should do the bulk of the housework too.

Equal downtime overall is the key.

Agree that you should roughly both have equal downtime. It's impossible to say in advance how that will work out. Some parents of 9-12m year olds will find that they can get plenty of jobs done while caring for the baby and getting some breaks. Some won't. Provided you both approach it in a reasonable way, supporting each other rather than turning it into a negotiation from the start, then there shouldn't be a problem. I'd also say that it would be a shame if all the time at home was seen as being for "work". It's going to be good for everyone if the SAHP actually gets to enjoy getting out with the baby, seeing people and places (once allowed), playing etc.

Thanks all, really helpful. I think the point about equal downtime is basically what i was trying to propose but that's a much clearer way of putting it.

@irregularegular absolutely agree - I would expect him to spend as much time as possible playing/out seeing people with the baby etc. I'm counting that as part of the 'work' of childcare even though once this shit situation is over it will hopefully feel less like work. I'm talking specifically about what happens when she's sleeping (assuming that is, eventually, in the cot!)

YANBU

I’m currently in that situation now - back at work and DH having 8 weeks parental leave. As well as looking after DS, DH is doing all the cleaning. As I’m at a computer all day I’m still doing life admin, I cook dinner for us and other bits are shared. He tries to get most of it out of the way in the morning so he has the afternoon nap as his down time.

Surely whatever you're doing now is what he should on his leave. So if you're leaving all the housework than so should he, if you're getting a chunk of it done than so should he?

When I was on mat leave I did as much housework that I could in the day so we both could relax in the evening. Dh took over household evening tasks (basically doing the kitchen)
Sometimes I was so tired and hardly did anything. That was fine, plenty of time to catch up and the sky didn't fall in!!

I agree with him. A SAHP is a SAH Parent. Not housewife/husband. That person is the childcare. The fact they are home is irrelevant.

It's nice if the SAHP can get a few bits done but it's not required (we share childcare btw)

I think telling him that is really patronising.

@Exhausted4ever

Surely whatever you're doing now is what he should on his leave. So if you're leaving all the housework than so should he, if you're getting a chunk of it done than so should he?

Not really as the baby isn’t napping now, the conversation is taking place under the assumption the baby will be napping so it’s a completely different scenario

Well I mean napping but freely not where it is taking up the parents time to do something else

I think it depends on the baby. At 9 months they will be having 2 naps a day. Mine napped maybe an hour in the morning and 45 min in the afternoon. Often one of those naps was in the car or buggy on the way back from seeing friends or something. And the other nap, by the time you've cleared up from their last meal, prepped their next meal and tidied a few baby things away you really srent left with much time. That's what we found anyway, it wasnt until they were 1 they had a good long nap and we could get stuff done but still then by the time youd tidied and cleaned up food there wasnt much time for housework. Maybe cleaning something specific or shoving a wash on but not much more. Of course if you have a great sleeper who is down in their cot for a good couple of hours a day and you come home from work and have to tidy up his shit and do washing and other housework while he has been watching tv all day then yes youd have a right to be pissed off. But that's quite a lot of 'ifs' and its quite a while off so I think having an argument about something hypothetical before it's even happened is a bit mad! Just see how it goes. I swapped maternity leave with my husband at 10 months and it did work itself out. I think what's happening here is you're pissed off that he is likely to get the 'good' bit of maternity leave with the interactive, sleeping baby and you got the shit bit with the sleepless nights and puking. Which I totally understand but it's not massively practical to do it the other way around

Don’t worry too much about this OP. My son still won’t reliably nap at in a cot or on a mattress at 18months 😂. He’s slightly more predictable when he’s with our childminder but she still regularly tells us he didn’t sleep or hardly slept at nap time. So you may be arguing about down/time or housework time that never materializes!

@Exhausted4ever I'm currently walking about 800 miles a day to make naps happen and get literally no baby-free time because she won't nap in the cot. Despite that I am still doing laundry and dishes while she sits in her chair (when fussing allows), because tbh it feels like a welcome break from 8 hours of non-stop baby. What I'm suggesting is that, if she does start napping in her cot, resulting in baby free time in the day, a good chunk of that time should be used on housework - which is mostly being done jointly on weekends atm because it's just not possible with DD the way she is now

My terrible sleeper was still napping in the sling when I went back to work at 9 months and DP took over for his 3 months. He’ll also get the crawling, cruising, standing, can’t leave them for a minute months, so equally less likely to get stuff done OR watch Netflix.

Honestly, sod the housework etc during the baby year, both partners do the bare minimum for hygiene and survival, and prioritise sleep.

There’s also a huge difference if you’re doing the night wakings on mat leave and continue to do the night wakings when back at work, vs him doing pat leave but no night wakings.

I’m a SAHM. I usually spent my kid’s nap time eating my lunch in peace, then reading, napping, or maybe folding washing in front of the tv. Day to day housework I’d usually do as I went along - so I’d prep dinner while she ate lunch, I’d put a load of laundry on while she “helped”. The rest, like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom took maybe an hour or two a week - how much housework do you have in a flat with one child? How much life admin is there?! I got much less evening downtime and was generally “on call” more at night so I didn’t feel particularly guilty about grabbing time during the day. It was only an hour anyway.

I voted YANBU, but actually, now I'm not so sure. Looking after a baby sometimes does take the entire day. Meal prep and cleaning up afterwards seemed to take an eternity, nappy changes, baths, entertaining etc. I would try and keep up with the washing, as that could be done in relatively small bursts, but cleaning the house whilst chasing round a 9 month old? Maybe not so much. I think you may both have to play this one by ear.

My partner encouraged me to have down time while our baby napped. We did chores together.

All stages of baby are hard work but at 9-12 months it's still full on so I used to love my 'lunch breAk' while he napped and I recharged

I think it depends on whether there are night wakings and if so is he doing them.

If your baby is still waking up a lot at night and he is dealing with the wakings then I think it’s fair that he gets nap times “off” as he will be tired.

There’s a lot of ifs there though.

If you both actually like each other, you'd just do your fair share.
I'd feel guilty sitting watching Netflix for hours if the other one is at work; and equally if I was out for a work lunch knowing the sahp was tearing their hair out, I'd be taking over as soon as I could.
Just be nice to each other; as soon as you start the competitive- who's tireder, who has it harder, it's the first rung of the divorce ladder.
Personally, I found a non moving baby far easier to look after than a toddler, irrespective of the night wakings.

Stop talking about hypotheticals, you've started building up resentment about something that may never happen.

I think its a worrying attitude. I went back and he took leave at about the same age, and mostly he had adventures with her and often took her to see me during my work lunchtime but he also tried to do house stuff and usually had dinner made.

The attitude we both had from early on was that we were both doing as much as we were able, being aware that would look different because I was breastfeeding and on mat leave and he had a job. We had a total non-sleeper, most of the time I was off with her I was a zombie every minute was trying to get her to nap. He did basically all housework then sat up holding her to try and get her to sleep till midnight so I could have a few hours before basically being up all night.

When I went back to work he started co-sleeping with her, and he did all night wake ups for basically the next year. While he was working while doing that it was v different being woken once a night vs only being able to sleep about once a night, but it was a way to even it up (and mostly, because I was still feeding, it was a way to ensure it was a quick wake. up then back to sleep rather than a. marathon feeding session). We were both v aware that she was a lot easier as she got older but it wasn't a competition, or about pointing it out all the time: often one or other of us would say 'isn't it your turn to do the next nappy?' but I think we both felt we were contributing as best we could.

I think the biggest concern for me would be the attitude of getting one up on you, or only doing what he 'has' to - the 'anti-feminist' line really sounds like he's trying to be crafty, not just pointing out that he should get some down time. I really wanted DH to enjoy his time with her and bond with her in a new way, and had no issue with him sitting and chilling a bit in the unlikely event she had a nap that didn't require being walked a thousand miles, but he never ever took the piss with it. If he was routinely spending all his time meeting up with mates while she sat ignored in a buggy or playing on his phone while she had a three hour nap and there was a huge pile of dishes waiting to go into the dishwasher I would have struggled with that a bit.

I think you need to unpick his attitude a bit as there are some warning signs there its worth nipping in the bud early.

Warning signs like him saying 'of course he would do some housework'?

DH did all of the cooking and housework whilst I was on maternity leave - I focussed 100% on the baby. I did the odd bit of laundry but every day was focussed on baby.
I would therefore expect your DH to be afforded the same when he is on parental leave. Looking after a baby is hard work.

I'd expect some light housework. I used to tidy away feeding things, put the washing on etc. As long as you're not expecting a gleaming house! Relaxing in the naps is important for well being and honestly, they get more demanding and harder to entertain at 9 months, so you need the break.