Parents taking out a loan for a sibling

[Belice9222]

Hey all, I found out by an accident( my father has asked me to check his email in the past and I was still logged onto his email in an old phone I switched on), so a popup came that the solicitors fees need to be paid for and they are set to purchase a house for 18900,my parents claim my brother will pay for the loan payments, even my father has instructed my mother having to pay 3k for the admin fees for the loan. We have had many arguments in the past over them preferring my brother, quick back story- I moved out to another country at 17, they did already back then more for my brother, he didn't do well in one school he got sent to another, I got put into the school he left I was bullied by the teachers and when I asked to move to my granny in another town my mum said no we don't have money, my parents paid for 8 years of uni for my brother, for his apartment in the uni city, it was privately rented not student accommodation that wasn't good enough, paid for his driving licence, leased a cars for him he never took bus or train, my brother has messed up a few times my parents have had to pay victim off and for the solicitors fees... None of this for me. One thing they have I've rme, when I was in teens and underage my dad's company got into difficulties and to stop the gov taking our family home it got signed to my name as my brother was too old, 4 years ago they suddenly started harassing me to sign the land back to them or disown me, I was like if u are ready to disown me why would I give you the land back what's stopping you disowning me when I sign it back, result was they said don't ever contact us again if you are lucky you get a funeral invite one day.. Over the time I made contact to check on them and eventually we were back on speaking terms but I have and won't forget this, I have never caused them anything,even 2 days ago whe. I got upset at them taking 189k loan out for my brother my mum claimed I stole her naked of her jewellery, I was 17 when I left home and took a ring that was too small for my mum and a necklace that reminded me of her and a t shirt of my dad's, I didn't know if I was ever going to see them and all I took was rucksack with my things beside this, no cash from their wallets or anything else of theirs. It took them 8 years to visit me and that too got thrown at me, how I should have paid for their flights even I was not working and also had a baby. They babysit my brothers childreb every week, take them to doctors, they are sometimes at my parents place 7 days in row, go home for one then back again etc. The loan, my brother and his wife work, 2 kids, business that does well, new apartment bought into 8 years ago, for some reason they have asked my parents to take a loan out for a new build for them, my situation, my husband works full time I'm stay at home mum and have 4 little kids, I would like to start to build an extension but we are waiting until our car loan ends in 2 years,I have never even thought to ask my parents to take a loan out for me, especially nearly 200k when they have no savings and they are not the best in looking after their health.

I am really disappointed my parents didn't even involve me in their plan, yes it's their money but they know how I feel about the past, they tell me to get over it or I make it up but the facts are, they have held my brothers hand through his life, paid for him to set up his business, get a car, driving licence, go to uni which he failed after 8 years etc. None of this for me, the house loan is a joke on the paper my brother is a perfect candidate for a mortgage what is he up to. Anyways, am I being unreasonable, my mum tells me to get some help, as an insult and my father said its none of my business. My father can say that yes but he has made the gap between me and my brother even bigger. (Oh my brother 4 years ago when I refused to sign over the land, also told me that no one in this world cares about me, I should go crawl back under a rock, he dosent care where I am or what do I do and poked a few jokes over my disabled daughter and told me my husband will divorce me, that my husband controls me etc-could not be more wrong anyone who knows us laughs how my husband is "under my slipper", he dosent mind :), what he said about my child was unforgivable and uncalled for, still, he has not even attempted to say sorry for 4 years, my parents said he is too busy working and stressed and for me to let it go.

I sent both my parents a message in a neutral tone and not in a stroppy way, to buy me out of half of the land they want back, so they can pass it on and not worry I steal my brothers part, the land is originally from my dad's grandparents. They live in a house on that land, get rental from the fields but use it as if I get something out of it, even the reason for the loan they said its a house for your brother as he got nothing from us, you have a house in.. - I'm like hold on, my brother gets a house, you live for free in a house get income from the fields, I'm expected to share the land one day but my brother keeps his house, oh and they have put land from my other grandma on my brothers name.

Sorry for the messy wall of text, if anyone made any sense out of it.. Am I wrong to feel wronged and upset? I have never asked them for anything, they never offered things that my brother got, I just at the time listened my mum cry because to support my brother to pay for his car, apartment and uni fees they went short on money, even I was unemployed my husband loaned them, latest one was perhaps 6 months ago to help them carry over to payday.

Don't sign back the land, and don't sign over half of it to your brother at any point. I don't think you'll ever get anything from them or your brother, so this is your financial security for the future and your children, hang on to it. They are disrespectful and bullying of you and clearly favour your brother.

With regards to the loan I don't think there's anything you can do about it, and I don't think they should have necessarily discussed it with you - it is their decision to make . You do have the land , so although they gave it to you to help them essentially, it has evened things up a bit financially, therefore don't let go of it. Try and focus on what you do have rather than what they are doing for your brother.

I would try and check whether they have secured the loan against your land as this could cause problems if they and your brother are bad with money. I agree with PP you should be receiving the rental income from this land and from them, but obviously you have to decide whether you would do this as it would undoubtedly cause even more tension. I don't have any experience of toxic families but ultimately I think you should keep your distance from them for the sake of yourself and your family - if you don't know what's going on with your brother it can't upset you.

@Belice9222

I think I need to look into this, where I come from we have ID cards and in the government land registry its me who's the owner of that land but saying that I don't know where the paperwork is. Think it's time for me to start to take interest in it. when I was 18 visiting they asked me to sign a document allowing my mum to sign on my behalf, I asked her to stop using it in an email a few years ago when they took a loan out on the land without telling me, I found out by an automated message. I would not put it past them to use tho

Woah! That throws up a whole load of questions. Are you sure the land is still owned by you? How do you know it's not been transferred. Or the £189k montage taken out against it? Or a whole load of other loans? You need to do some digging and get on top of this situation. Then go low/no contact and cut your losses. Get some counselling to help you make peace with the fact that your family are toxic and don't want what's best for you.

Your parents are terrible. Stop talking to them, sending them gifts, doing things for them and begging for their love. You’re wasting your time.

Go to therapy. Set up strong boundaries. Accept that you had an awful deal in life from your parents but that you can change the future for your own children.

Above all, stop letting them treat you terribly. You can’t change them, you can only change your own reactions to them. Cut them off,

Your parents sound awful and your brother not much better. However, regardless of whose name it is in, that's their land. Just sign it back to them, and go no contact. I also think you'd benefit from some therapy as they've certainly affected your mental health and peace of mind. Leave them to it.

"Woah! That throws up a whole load of questions. Are you sure the land is still owned by you? How do you know it's not been transferred. Or the £189k montage taken out against it? Or a whole load of other loans?"

I would be very surprised if the land is not being used as collateral for the loan now. Get a solicitor in the country the land is in and get this checked.

Think it's time for me to start to take interest in it. when I was 18 visiting they asked me to sign a document allowing my mum to sign on my behalf

Yes you do need to start taking an interest. I would not let them know you are investigating the situation. I think you probably need to see a solicitor for advice.

This sounds like a very dysfunctional family. You all treat each other badly.

Sort out proof that you own the land. If you can get a high enough price for it, sell it. Cut them all off and do not share anything with your toxic parents or brother.
So what if they are homeless? They can go and live in the other property that their son is living in.
I wish I'd cut my mother and brother out of my life years ago. When she died and he flounced off (after my wonderful Dad disinherited him) life became so much better.

Angel but the land is from my great grandmother, my father's actions almost got it taken away it was thanks to putting it on my name that saved it. I would like to think my great grandma would at least, not mind halving it between my fathers 2 children? I offered my parents to buy me out, so there will be no further need for contact and whatever they do with my brother and leave him I won't go chasing anything. It dosent feel right to sign everything over, if it was my father's hard work yes and he then should have never put it on my name and used me when it was convenient. I have never argued that I won't share it with my brother they probably needed to get it back to fund whatever scheme they had in mind aka why they started out of the blue accusing me. (I have checked on the gov website on my name and 1 loan out on it 7k left to pay, the one that I found out about a few years ago in an automated text message). My brother isn't badly off the land, on the paper he is a lot better off than me thanks to my parents funding his ventures paying solicitors bills, uni, car leases, setting his business up my dad using his contacts to get customers etc. As far I have had no problems regardless how mistreated I feel to go halves with him one day,I mean I don't like my brother but he has 2 lovely boys who haven't done anything to me but my parents are making it so hard to stick to doing what would be morally right. It would be massive wall of text but the reason why the relationship between me and my brother broke down was my mum, everything that my brother said aka no one cares about you, go back under a rock, my mother said, there is no way his jokes about my disabled child word by word was a coincidence.

However you cut it, you took their land. Count yourself lucky but dont try and claim any moral high ground.

It's disheartening to read some of you who have been in a similar situation never managed to make anything of the relationship. How did you deal with the negative emotions, did they pass over time after stopping contact? I want to call my parents demand answers why are they like this at the same time I know I will never get an answer.

Porcupine I did not take their land, I was crying when my dad made me go to the solicitors office and made me sign the paperwork, at 16 that was last place at the time where I wanted to be. My brother also has land and now on his way to get a house which I they have never mentioned if I get a share in. Please read carefully, I haven't taken anything off them, they live on that land earn income from it and left me instructions to halve it with my brother one day,the land is originally from my great grandparents which my dad almost lost.

It may legally be your land but morally it's your dad's. And unfortunately all the talk about 'halving' it doesn't change that. How ever he 'almost lost it' is beside the point. As a pp said you can't take the moral high ground if you don't sign it back. And the talk of them 'buying you out' is frankly quite grabby.

My neighbours son was wild he died in a traffic collision.
His DM was a carer for an elderly lady and often referred to this DS as her favourite.
The old lady said "it is not that he is the favourite but the one needs parenting the most" a difficult DC takes so much more.
Mine are young 12 & 6 DS age 6 sucks the life out of DD, she thinks he is the favourite he really isn't he is just overly needy.

However you cut it, you took their land. Count yourself lucky but dont try and claim any moral high ground

Are you on glue? They forced her, as a child, to have it signed over to her so they could keep it out of the hands of debtors! WTF is wrong with you?

If you signed over the land to your parents, you'd be no worse off than you are now (financially).
You'll probably be better off, as you won't have loans taken against your property that you do t know about.
Your DB might end up better off after your parents' death, but that doesn't really affect you other than the sting of unfairness .

If you don't sign the land over, you are prolonging the misery between you all.

You can't change how they treat you or your DB. But you can release all ties and focus your love and emotional energy on those who deserve it ie your DH and DC.

Maybe, in time, your DB will give you half the value of the land. Probably not. But I wouldn't waste any more time trying to get a fair relationship.

I'm sorry you have such a dysfunctional family. But don't let them bring you down any more. Go Low or no contact. Seek therapy to help you make peace with the dreadful way you've been treated.

I don't think I have claimed moral highground, but I think the least I should be able to do is have half of it, after all I'm no lesser great grandchild and if it was not for me there would be no land and house to argue over. You say I'm lucky, am I? My brother has land that he can sell anytime, our parents live on the land and the house that's on my name, no costs to them and also get an income, my brother is getting a brand new spanking new build house with sauna etc, he will move into it this month, the house I live in I pay mortgage for it.

However, it isn't your land, money etc etc. What your parents do with the land (which in fact belongs to your dad morally) is really up to them. You're right, you're no less a great grandchild but unfortunately inheritance doesn't go from great grandparent to great grandchild.
You really would be better off washing your hands of the lot of them, it's clearly affecting you a great deal, what your parents do for your brother is besides the point.

Well I dont think you should just hand it back if you dont want to, and your family sound awful. But as you have it, why get upset that they are helping out your brother?

I'd suggest you have as little to do with them as possible.

Check it is still your land and act to keep it . Seek protection to stop people signing on your behalf.

I'm sorry you have such a dysfunctional family. But don't let them bring you down any more. Go Low or no contact. Seek therapy to help you make peace with the dreadful way you've been treated.

^This is very good advice. I also recommend the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board, which a safe place where posters who have had dysfunctional families can offer each other support.

But she's already got the land. Through their choice not hers.

OP, you've got a lot of people who believe you've got no right to an inheritance on your thread now.

There's truth in that, but it really doesn't make it ok (morally or emotionally) when there is something to be left and it is distributed horribly unfairly.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe your family are ever going to behave to you how you want them to. And that's all about them and who they are as people. Nothing you can do will influence it. Nothing you did as a child influenced it. It might be because you're not a boy. It might be because you're the younger child. It might be because you were born during a month with an r in it. In other words it's something and nothing and it really doesn't matter. You cannot change it and it's not your fault.

But it does mean you can't buy their favour either. If you give the land back they'll either sign it straight over to your brother or they'll leave it to him in their will. (You're expected to share, but I bet he's not.) It's possible that once they've got it back from you, they'll stop bothering to contact you at all.

I'm sorry, this is crap for you. How much is the land actually worth? If it's enough to be worth putting up with the pressure from your family, I'd keep it. It might go some way towards making up for the way they treat you. And it might mitigate the hurt a bit if you discover that their intention is/was to completely disinherit you.

Not everything that's right is fair and not everything that's fair is right. And some people's wishes are really shit and don't deserve honouring.

However, it isn't your land, money etc etc. What your parents do with the land (which in fact belongs to your dad morally) is really up to them

It is her land though. They made her take it. It's hers, and what she does with her land is up to her, not them.

Keep the land. Otherwise your brother will have everything. You owe them nothing at all.

Yes of course, legally it is. However I don't think holding on to the land is doing her any good mentally, she's looking for something from her parents that unfortunately she isn't going to get.