For not offering to bail him out?

[ExpertlyProcrastinating]

My boyfriend and I live together. He works freelance and his money comes in at random times. Occasionally, his payment gets missed or there's some delay in approving it so it doesn't get processed on time.

He told me yesterday that he got a text from his bank to say he was £50 away from his agreed overdraft limit of £2500. I didn't even know that he was in his overdraft. He's waiting to get paid, but doesn't know when it will go into his account.

We are not married, but own a house together. We get paid into our own accounts and then should transfer money to cover mortgage, bills and food into our joint account. I earn a few hundred more than him a month on average, but generally end up putting more money into the account than him each month, probably averages out at 70% me, 30% him.

He didn't come out and say it, but that means he hasn't paid any money into the joint account this month yet. He paid his usual 30% last month, but didn't pay any in January "because of Christmas". The way he brought it up yesterday felt like he was expecting me to give him the money to get him out of his overdraft.

In the past, I have loaned him money when he's had cashflow problems because of work. When it's been paid back, it's been paid into the joint account, so I've never really 'received' the loans back.

I'm really careful with my money, and have my own savings. Last month, I splashed out on something expensive, which was both a treat for me, and something that will help me with working from home while I'm shielding. He knows how much it cost and raised eyebrows when I bought it.

However, he is happy to spend a lot of money each month on wine, fags and bits for his computer, while not paying a fair share of the joint expenses.

YABU- I should share my money with him, it's unreasonable for me to have savings and not help him.

YANBU- We're not married and have separate finances, so he needs to manage his spending and check his income/ payment dates more carefully.

I think you are doing the right thing to make him face up to his financial issues and what seems to me to be an attempt to get you to cover for them.

Why you choose to be with a smoker in any case is another matter for another thread.

I wouldn’t accept the 70/30 split. That’s not fair. I’d be seeking to rebalance that ASAP. I might bail him out but on the condition it was a loan, to be repaid and not just left in the joint account.
It would be the last time with an agreement from him that he needed to change the current split. If he didn’t agree I wouldn’t lend him any more.

Oh he knows well what he's doing.
The ALWAYS do.
He just thinks you are a bit dim, and are going to let him get away with it.

If it turns out, as I bet it will, that you are actually owed several thousand by him, will you ask for him to pay you back?

Would he pay it?
Or would he get huffy because you are asking him, quite reasonably, for him to pay you money back that he owes you?.

OP, I don't know what you imagine love to be?

But I can tell you, it isn't ripping the other person off and using them.

It isn't avoiding paying your way.

It isn't borrowing money and not repaying it.

That's what user's do.

If he really cares about you and isn't aware of how much he has ripped you off, he will instantly offer to pay it back and follow through.

If he doesn't, he's just another user and waster who has made a mug out of you.

Apologies for being harsh but you deserve better than him.

That's why I'm not going to suddenly decide to break up with him. I want to see if it IS a habit and he's just used to me making up the shortfall, and he's not quite realised how unfair it is.

Would you need to be told it's not fair if you don't bother putting any money in the joint account one month, or would you know that because it's bloody obvious?

Be careful of debts that you're jointly liable for tho, in the meantime.

I used to do advice work and someone ran up massive debts (to furnish a new place), when it looked like they were splitting up.

Threads like this make my blood boil. These fucking cocklodging users sucking the lifeblood from good, hardworking, sensible women. There ought to be a database of them so women can check how much of a freeloader the guy is before getting into a relationship.

*I'm going to say that his contribution stays the same for the next two months, but he must pay and not skip. Then it will increase to 50%.
8

WTF

Why are you not going to tell him that you're pretty upset to see exactly how much he's sponged off you and you won't be contributing more that 25% a month until you're equal?!

Or can the Manchild not be upset that much?

@ExpertlyProcrastinating

Thanks, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking overnight and this morning. It's really helped to see everyone's perspective on this.

When I wrote my original post yesterday, I really was in two minds whether I was being unreasonable or not, but the fact that the comments are unanimous, and the vote 98% NBU, has been quite eye-opening to me.

I think I've just become used to the way things are. On Saturday, he has some game tournament thing going on, so will be busy for a few hours. I'm going to use that time to go through the joint account info and prepare some figures to show him how much I've put in over the two years, compared to how much he has contributed. Then, in the afternoon, I'm going to talk to him about how unfair it is, given how our wages are relatively similar, and that he needs to come up with a plan to ensure he starts paying his way. I'm going to say that his contribution stays the same for the next two months, but he must pay and not skip. Then it will increase to 50%.

If he kicks up a fuss, or if he promises he will, then doesn't follow through, that's it for me.

Do come back and let us know how you get on.

What will you do if

1. His earnings are actually much less than you’d thought? Or
2. He has a strop about you going through the finances and focuses on that instead of the actual money (eg I can’t believe you’ve been going through the money/do you not trust me? Do you really think that little of me... etc)

You need to have a serious talk with him about this and he also need to chase up invoice payments, I get that he's freelance but if he's done the work, he should be paid for it.

I agree he’s taking the piss however I don’t agree that he should be paying 50:50 if he’s on a lower income

However 70/30 is a massive difference if your only earning a extra £200 a month than him

At most I’d say 60/40

Unless he is extremely dim, he will know he is not pulling his weight.

From what you've posted it does sound as though he isn't taking financial responsibility for himself and expecting you to pick up the slack. I would outline your expectations going forward and its unsustainable for you to keep bailing him out.

However, playing devil's advocate...I wonder what MN would say if he were a woman posting about financial shortfalls and having to pay (usually ) 50/50 as a lower earner. I remember a thread not long ago from a woman posting as upset because she was the lower earner but partner expected bills spilt down the middle, and she had a lot of support.

@BMHM

From what you've posted it does sound as though he isn't taking financial responsibility for himself and expecting you to pick up the slack. I would outline your expectations going forward and its unsustainable for you to keep bailing him out.

However, playing devil's advocate...I wonder what MN would say if he were a woman posting about financial shortfalls and having to pay (usually ) 50/50 as a lower earner. I remember a thread not long ago from a woman posting as upset because she was the lower earner but partner expected bills spilt down the middle, and she had a lot of support.

Exactly my thoughts

A lot of people on hear would be screaming if a woman was the lower earner and made to pay 50/50

Here**

As a freelancer he needs to take off at least 40% of each invoice to cover tax, NIC, pensions, and a bit of a cushion for months when there is no work or payments are late.

If he is spending up each month you’re going to get stuck with his tax bill if you aren’t very careful!

You've been consistently paying more than double the amount that he has towards you home and your bills. That's absolutely appalling and he should be ashamed.

I'm glad you're going to spell it out to him exactly how your lives are bing paid for. He needs to set up a standing order for the amount that he's due to pay, that goes out the day after he's paid. Only then can he consider what's left as available to him.

His overdraft is likely to be really expensive, so any financial plan needs to include tackling that. Can he transfer it to a balance transfer 0% credit card (see Moneysavingexpert) and pay it off over a year or two by standing order? However, if he does that he must learn to live without his overdraft, or else he'll end up in twice the mess next year.

Do you think this is disinterest or something worse? If he was handed a fixed sum of money so he couldn't overspend, do you think he'd work with that, or is he likely to get through a months spends in 2 weeks and then come looking for more money from you or the joint account?

Does he do tax returns and is he up to date with these? Does he save money for his tax, or is he alway scrabbling around when the bill comes?

He can save for his tax by having a second account. It's not really worth worrying about interest and savings any more, because unless you have thousands, it's only a few quid anyway.

What he could do is have all his income go into one account, but not touch the money himself. He might need to have a frugal few weeks to try and get ahead, but if he can manage that, it will help a lot.

So out of his income account, a standing order to your joint account of half, or just under half your joint bills, to the main account. Also a standing order to his spending account which is the only account he can have access to. He can spend this money on wine and fags, but when it's gone, he can't have any more money for the rest of the month. The amount needs to be worked out leaving some money in his income account, to smooth out the peaks and troughs in his income, and leave some money available for his tax bill. He also needs to be chasing up any late payments, and if he has plenty of work, work for those clients who pay on time, and tell the slow payers he's not available.

[quote ExpertlyProcrastinating]@GabriellaMontez, it’s vague because he doesn’t have a consistent wage coming in at the same point each month. Some months, he gets two pay checks, then the next one, or even none.

But to be honest, I don’t know precisely what he earns. It’s around £25k.[/quote]
Well he must know how much he earns because he has to pay tax on it. I think you need to ask him.

I understand that being freelance , especially atm , is difficult, but using an excuse like “ Christmas” is pathetic, adults need to learn to budget for fixed outgoings and events which he clearly doesn’t understand since he carries on buying inessentials before ring fencing essential payments.

I assume he doesn’t have any savings to pay for emergencies like car repairs, broken boilers etc. Luckily he has you!

@Howshouldibehave, if he has hidden a lower (or much higher!) income from me, or if he has a tantrum because I'm expecting him to finally pay his way, then we're breaking up.

It feels like my eyes have been opened.

I think because he does earn a bit less than me, I've not felt it was too unfair for me to pay some more money. It didn't start out at 70/30 split, to be honest... but our expenses increased a bit and he never had extra money, so it became routine for me to put a bit more into the joint account when needed, and a bit more, and a bit more.

You need to sit down with him and hammer out the finances. There needs to be an exact fixed share from each of you going into the JA - whether it’s 50:50 or proportionate to your respective earnings.

That has to be met first - on pay day - before he spends any other money. And no more loans from you!

“Because of Christmas” my arse - wasn’t it Christmas for you too?

How do you own the house - are you joint tenants or tenants in common? If you’re going to stay with him I would recommend you consider splitting the house proportionately to your contributions as tenants in common - use a good solicitor for this. The fees will be worth it in the event that you sell and/or split up.

Agree with others and especially Rainbow shine about making sure the house reflects how much you have put in.

You need a clear record of how much more you have paid in and he either repays it to you now or when you sell

He will huff and strop and get cross with you. You have to say you understand this is difficult but it has to be sorted properly in order to be fair. You may need to say this over and over and over. Don’t get drawn into a side discussion or argument as this is how he will deflect.
Keep with your script of this is difficult but it needs to be fair to you both.

Good luck with this

As he has a large overdraft I would actually consider changing the percentage ownership even if that means repaying him some of his deposit.

If you have paid in 70/80% of joint house costs then you should own that share.

I think I will cry if you paid more deposit too!

When I've told him he needs to put his money in, in the past, he often gets huffy and says I'm nagging him, or says that he's waiting to get paid

If he was renting would he say the above to his landlord?
No. He’d have to have a direct debit / SO set up for the rent to be paid to the landlord.
Ergo, he’s massively taking the piss.
But it looks like you’ve got a plan in place to address it, so good luck.

If you break up and sell out will you split the equity 70:30, or 50:50. If he expects a 50:50 split he needs to pay his way.