For not offering to bail him out?

[ExpertlyProcrastinating]

My boyfriend and I live together. He works freelance and his money comes in at random times. Occasionally, his payment gets missed or there's some delay in approving it so it doesn't get processed on time.

He told me yesterday that he got a text from his bank to say he was £50 away from his agreed overdraft limit of £2500. I didn't even know that he was in his overdraft. He's waiting to get paid, but doesn't know when it will go into his account.

We are not married, but own a house together. We get paid into our own accounts and then should transfer money to cover mortgage, bills and food into our joint account. I earn a few hundred more than him a month on average, but generally end up putting more money into the account than him each month, probably averages out at 70% me, 30% him.

He didn't come out and say it, but that means he hasn't paid any money into the joint account this month yet. He paid his usual 30% last month, but didn't pay any in January "because of Christmas". The way he brought it up yesterday felt like he was expecting me to give him the money to get him out of his overdraft.

In the past, I have loaned him money when he's had cashflow problems because of work. When it's been paid back, it's been paid into the joint account, so I've never really 'received' the loans back.

I'm really careful with my money, and have my own savings. Last month, I splashed out on something expensive, which was both a treat for me, and something that will help me with working from home while I'm shielding. He knows how much it cost and raised eyebrows when I bought it.

However, he is happy to spend a lot of money each month on wine, fags and bits for his computer, while not paying a fair share of the joint expenses.

YABU- I should share my money with him, it's unreasonable for me to have savings and not help him.

YANBU- We're not married and have separate finances, so he needs to manage his spending and check his income/ payment dates more carefully.

[quote ExpertlyProcrastinating]@GabriellaMontez, it’s vague because he doesn’t have a consistent wage coming in at the same point each month. Some months, he gets two pay checks, then the next one, or even none.

But to be honest, I don’t know precisely what he earns. It’s around £25k.[/quote]
His income may be variable but his put goings are not. This is simple budgeting. If he gets paid two pay checks in one month he needs to make sure he has enough left for the next month.

If you split up the default position is you split the equity in the house down the middle. At the moment he's getting an easy ride as you're paying some of his share for him. There is no point in labelling the money going into the joint account as extra if you don't realistically think he's going to be paying it back, and if he isn't doing it proactively, he won't. I had to help my partner out when his wages were less due to sickness (which I'd have sympathy for if it wasn't a week or more every month with 'headache' or 'fluey'), or he'd run out of money before payday and I didn't want my credit record wrecked. After 2 years living together I realised I'd paid more than £11,000 more than my fair share. I told him he needed to start paying it back, relationship lasted another 3 weeks as I was 'pressuring him'. Never did see a penny back, expensive lesson learnt.

YANBU. Definitely big chat time, if his freelance work isn't earning him enough to 50/50 the bills then maybe he could try and get a side job? Supermarket/delivery driver literally anything to make the money to pay his fair share. He won't want to though because it's easier if you just pay for him

If they have only lived there 2 years there won't be much more than the deposit in there. She could probably buy him out fairly easily at this point.

FGS don't marry him OP, you'll be utterly fucked.

@VikingsandDragons

If you split up the default position is you split the equity in the house down the middle. At the moment he's getting an easy ride as you're paying some of his share for him. There is no point in labelling the money going into the joint account as extra if you don't realistically think he's going to be paying it back, and if he isn't doing it proactively, he won't. I had to help my partner out when his wages were less due to sickness (which I'd have sympathy for if it wasn't a week or more every month with 'headache' or 'fluey'), or he'd run out of money before payday and I didn't want my credit record wrecked. After 2 years living together I realised I'd paid more than £11,000 more than my fair share. I told him he needed to start paying it back, relationship lasted another 3 weeks as I was 'pressuring him'. Never did see a penny back, expensive lesson learnt.

My story is similar. I ended up paying £6k extra in less than a year to ensure all the bills were paid; my DP also worked freelance and barely worked / contributed. When I told him we were breaking up and that he had cost me a fortune he called me a gold digger, even though I was the one spending 10 hours a day at work and paying for everything while he was sat at home playing on the computer. Cocklodger logic 🤷‍♀️

There is NO WAY I would ever financially support a DP again. OP, please learn from our experience and don't let him rinse you any more.

Does he have other debts you don’t know about? This could explain the not knowing where his money is going. I’d be worried if he is unable to pay 30% of his living costs because he is unable to budget and also worrried he has £2500 of hidden debt. He also should absolutely not get annoyed when you ask him to pay his bills.

Sounds like he needs a new job. Or an extra one. He needs to ensure his income can cover his bills - that's not your problem and you will likely regret spending all your money on him in the future.

I agree that when you split up he’ll expect half the house as his own while he doesn’t currently pay towards it.

On top of the blatant financial piss taking, he’s incredibly disrespectful and manipulative for describing you as nagging for wanting clear communication on money. He’s trying to stop you ever bringing it up while he’s designed it to work for him and not by making you wish not to appear as money grabbing or unreasonable.

That’s a very big red flag.

Thanks, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking overnight and this morning. It's really helped to see everyone's perspective on this.

When I wrote my original post yesterday, I really was in two minds whether I was being unreasonable or not, but the fact that the comments are unanimous, and the vote 98% NBU, has been quite eye-opening to me.

I think I've just become used to the way things are. On Saturday, he has some game tournament thing going on, so will be busy for a few hours. I'm going to use that time to go through the joint account info and prepare some figures to show him how much I've put in over the two years, compared to how much he has contributed. Then, in the afternoon, I'm going to talk to him about how unfair it is, given how our wages are relatively similar, and that he needs to come up with a plan to ensure he starts paying his way. I'm going to say that his contribution stays the same for the next two months, but he must pay and not skip. Then it will increase to 50%.

If he kicks up a fuss, or if he promises he will, then doesn't follow through, that's it for me.

If i were you I'd tell him that you're leaving and the house is being sold. I'd also try to get out of it, proportionally what you have put in.

I'm also in agreement that since you both live in the house and presumably use water, electricity and food in approximately the same amounts, the joint outgoings should be 50/50.

But really - i'd financially extricate myself from him before it's too late.

Don’t be a mug op.
Financially disassociate yourself from this cocklodger. Stop subsidising him. It’ll be worse when/if you have kids.

You're not financially compatible.
I would call it a day and end it because he will never change.
And I know because I lived with a man like this before and it just wore me out. The main reason I dumped him was over money.
He couldn't spend it fast enough and it seemed to be a badge of honour to him to be skint as quickly as possible after payday.

Get out now.

YABU for staying with this cocklodger.

If you plan to stay with him, I would also be insisting he pays me back what he owes you. If he's worth being in a relationship with, he'll be happy to. Either way, you'll know.

I was waiting for someone to mention the C word.

Hi OP. A sibling of mine experienced this with her ex. It didn't get better. She married. Him and it got worse, to the point that although he "paid into" the joint account, he withdrew far more and spent on alcohol, cigarettes etc. Basically his entire salary and that of my sibling's became his pocket money. Your scenario financially sounds similar to theirs and they fell into it.

She kept a spreadsheet (ocd) for the incomings and outgoings. It was helpful to her especially when they split.

If you marry him/ have kids with him this probably won't get better.

If he know you'll bail him out, there's no incentive to budget or save or work more...

He might have good intentions but if it becomes a habit, then it becomes the norm and nothing will change.

What's he like with mental load and housework stuff?

There seems to have been a recent influx of threads like this, cocklodger men who are taking the absolute piss. They annoy me SO much.

But i really don't understand why you have been going along with this arrangement until now. If you earn similarly then why is the split 70/30? And why is this only just coming up as an issue, when you say he spends money on wine and fags etc but not his bills? he obviously knows that you will bail him out.

I wouldn't be surprised if he now tries to make you out as being the bad guy because you are the one trying to 'change' how things are and I bet he'll say you're expecting him to contribute more than his fair share.

I also don't know why you'd be happy with only 50/50 - he should be paying 50/50 AND paying you back all the money he has sponged off you over the last two years. And if that means he can't afford his wine and fag habits then so be it. But I would bet my right arm that you will never see that money again.

I would personally LTB because I couldn't find a man like this even remotely attractive.

Oh and I bet he's been able to afford to keep up with buying the latest games/consoles/accessories etc all this time?

@wandawombat, he's not brilliant. He does do all the washing up, because I do all the cooking. But that also means I do all the meal planning, food ordering, checking we have what we need etc.

He also doesn't pay attention to what needs doing, so does the typical 'just tell me what you need me to do' thing and I often have to remind him when it's his turn to clean the bathroom or mop the floor.

There are good points too, though! That's why I'm not going to suddenly decide to break up with him. I want to see if it IS a habit and he's just used to me making up the shortfall, and he's not quite realised how unfair it is.

Reading your update, he's in no way, shape or form an equal partner. Men like this don't change, they only become lazier and more entitled

OP he has already shown his true colours. He's already realised he can get away with being a cocklodger with you. He won't change.

Seriously, please don't waste any more precious time with him.

It may seem hard to disentangle yourself from him but it will only get harder.

Spend the weekend working out if you can buy him out of your house, assuming you jointly own it.

No you need to pay 50/50
I would not want to be with someone that's bad with money it's a nightmare
My advice is to sort this out now or you will have many problems and stress in the future and it's no way to live

OP,

He's a user and a waster.

Take your time and calculate EXACTLY how much you have to pay for this guy to live with you.

Because you are PAYING him to live with you.

Is that who you are?

Is that what you have grown up to expect?
That women pay for boyfriends?

Is your relationship bar very low, that you think it is normal to PAY to have a boyfriend.

Have a think about your self respect?
How important is self respect to you?

Women with self respect and self esteem don't pay for boyfriends.

He's using you.

Have no doubt about that.

You are a sensible woman with your money.

You will be dragged down, made to feel bad all the while parenting this waster who is using you.

You need a financial equal.
Don't be a mug.
You will bitterly regret it.