For not offering to bail him out?

[ExpertlyProcrastinating]

My boyfriend and I live together. He works freelance and his money comes in at random times. Occasionally, his payment gets missed or there's some delay in approving it so it doesn't get processed on time.

He told me yesterday that he got a text from his bank to say he was £50 away from his agreed overdraft limit of £2500. I didn't even know that he was in his overdraft. He's waiting to get paid, but doesn't know when it will go into his account.

We are not married, but own a house together. We get paid into our own accounts and then should transfer money to cover mortgage, bills and food into our joint account. I earn a few hundred more than him a month on average, but generally end up putting more money into the account than him each month, probably averages out at 70% me, 30% him.

He didn't come out and say it, but that means he hasn't paid any money into the joint account this month yet. He paid his usual 30% last month, but didn't pay any in January "because of Christmas". The way he brought it up yesterday felt like he was expecting me to give him the money to get him out of his overdraft.

In the past, I have loaned him money when he's had cashflow problems because of work. When it's been paid back, it's been paid into the joint account, so I've never really 'received' the loans back.

I'm really careful with my money, and have my own savings. Last month, I splashed out on something expensive, which was both a treat for me, and something that will help me with working from home while I'm shielding. He knows how much it cost and raised eyebrows when I bought it.

However, he is happy to spend a lot of money each month on wine, fags and bits for his computer, while not paying a fair share of the joint expenses.

YABU- I should share my money with him, it's unreasonable for me to have savings and not help him.

YANBU- We're not married and have separate finances, so he needs to manage his spending and check his income/ payment dates more carefully.

Get the split wise app and keep putting into it all the money he owes you so it’s being kept track off! And request it back - you should get a few months of paying less now into joint account while he sorts it out

YANBU and he should be paying 50%

Do know what he earns a year? You sound a bit vague. Is it really 70/30 ? If not, why are you paying so much more?

Why does he borrow money and not pay it back?

Where is all this going ? It would be big chat time for me too. And our future would depend on his response. It sounds like he may be too comfortable.

@GabriellaMontez, it’s vague because he doesn’t have a consistent wage coming in at the same point each month. Some months, he gets two pay checks, then the next one, or even none.

But to be honest, I don’t know precisely what he earns. It’s around £25k.

When you break up he'll want 50% of the house, despite you paying 70% of the mortgage, so you should probably think about enforcing him paying 50% of the mortgage or getting a post habitation agreement detailing the differing split of the house value.

He sounds like a freeloader. If he genuinely had no money then there's not much you can do, but if he's smoking and drinking while getting a free ride from you. That's not ok.

Op looking at the bigger picture here, what do you see in your future? Children, marriage? I would seriously consider your future with this man if you want either of these things.

You are not compatible financially and you are going to resent him more and more.

As he's freelance you should be able to look together at his tax returns to see what he earns.

I'm all for you helping him out a bit if he'sin a pickle....but not because he takes no responsibility of his own. As a freelancer he needs to build a pot of savings so that if he has no work for a while he can still pay bills and live.

Sit down and have a serious chat with him. If he refuses to accept responsibility and leaves it all to you....then think if that is what you want moving forward.
(If he wasn't with you and was renting with a friend he wouldn't have the option of just not paying one month).

He is absolutely taking the piss.

Is it possible that he earns more than you think? In a year? Ever seen his tax return?

Ask him when he's going to pay you back for January?

And agree set amounts going fwd (even if that set amount is 60:40 to account for your slightly higher wage).

So you both earn roughly the same per month. Yet you pay 70% of expenses and loan (give) him money. You have savings and he is to the limit of his overdraft?
How did ye afford to buy a house? Who paid the deposit?
If he can't manage his money properly he needs to get a waged position.
If he gets 2 cheques in a month he needs to save one for the month he doesn't get paid. It really isn't rocket science!

@Tiktaktoe

So you both earn roughly the same per month. Yet you pay 70% of expenses and loan (give) him money. You have savings and he is to the limit of his overdraft? How did ye afford to buy a house? Who paid the deposit? If he can't manage his money properly he needs to get a waged position. If he gets 2 cheques in a month he needs to save one for the month he doesn't get paid. It really isn't rocket science!

This.

He’s treating you like a cash cow!

He’s not an adult.

What happens when you come to sell the house? Split it 50/50? He’s getting a good deal.

He needs a proper job with a regular, decent wage.

He's behaving like a child and you're his mum.

Not attractive in the least. I'm sure if the worst happens and you split he'll have his hand out for 50% of the equity.

Big chat time OP. Doesn't bode well for the future does it?

I’m wondering if it’s the opposite problem, @GabriellaMontez. I can’t really figure out where his money is going, when his joint contributions are so low. Maybe he’s earning a lot less than I think but he doesn’t want to tell me.

When we bought the house, he was still freelance but had regular hours and got paid the same each month. That company shut down 18 months ago and he’s not been able to find the same kind of regular contracting since.

He absolutely has to pay 50% regardless..I bet you the rent and bills are simply not top of his priority list thus you end up making up the shortfall.

In my previous relationship I remember going nuts because he'd bought a new iphone despite not paying his agreed share of rent and bills that month. That was controlling apparently

Fuck that shit

Sheer folly having got your self into this mess.

So get out of it asap is the general (good) advice.

My ex was like this. Turned out that, apart from the visible stuff, he was pouring loads of it into slot machines.

He went full on cocklodger with his second wife. Barely did a day's work.

Op your not viewing the mortgage as 50/50 but he sure will when you eventually split up and he takes half the equity that you've been building but that's not the worse case scenario.

The worse case is after freeloading like this prior to marriage and children what on earth does your futures finances look with this man?

Oh wow, I hope you are seeing the massive disparity now you are writing it down. If you read this post, what would your advice be?

Hmm I would find this very off putting. Does he make up for it in any areas like doing the majority of stuff around the house? For context my DH is a SAHP so all of the money comes from me but my DH pulls his weight (and more) in all other aspects so I don’t have any resentment.

When your boyfriend has a flush month does he add any payments to counteract his quiet months?

He’s freeloading/lying/conning you.

I’m wondering if it’s the opposite problem, @GabriellaMontez. I can’t really figure out where his money is going, when his joint contributions are so low. Maybe he’s earning a lot less than I think but he doesn’t want to tell me.

If he isn't earning then he needs to be clear, not just hide it and expect you to bail him out! He needs to be an adult about the situation.
Did you go 50/50 for the house deposit?

You both own the house 50/50?

It's achingly unsexy, the way he's behaving.