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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not answer the door to neighbour with dementia

64 replies

Willothewhisper · 03/03/2021 15:16

NDN is an elderly man living on his own, he has a daughter who visits and I'm on good terms with. NDN's health has declined rapidly in the last couple of months, he's become very confused and has been in hospital at least once in recent weeks. His daughter is around as much as possible but has her own family, job etc so NDN is alone a fair bit of the time.

Now to my issue, NDN keeps getting confused about which house is his, he's still going out for his walk every day and when he gets back he tries to unlock my door with his keys. I'm aware I am reacting disproportionately to this because I had a really nasty 'home invasion' type burglary at my last house but I'm afraid to open the door when this happens and end up shaking and getting myself in a real state until he gives up and goes away.

This is making me feel awful on multiple levels, firstly i feel bad for not being more helpful, I have been helping up til recently (shopping, calls to landlord over boiler issues, calls to daughter when he's had problems etc) and if I saw him outside confused I would try to steer him home, it's the fact that he's trying to get into my house that's driving my reaction. I'm obviously worried that he's wandering about confused but he's still a big guy (and I am tiny) and I'm worried he won't be convinced it's not his house and push his way in, or get aggressive because he thinks I'm in his house. So I feel bad that I'm effectively leaving a vulnerable man to fend for himself and I'm struggling to not feel responsible.

But then there's the effect on me, it takes me ages to calm down after it's happened and it's starting to make me on edge in my own home, I feel like the PTSD I had after the burglary is creeping back in. I will speak to his daughter so I'm not really looking for practical solutions, to be entirely honest I have enough shit of my own to deal with right now so will have to hand over solving the problem to her, I just want to know whether I'm being totally U to feel it's not safe for me to open the door when he's obviously so confused. He can hear dogs barking inside which clearly aren't his so me saying 'you don't live here' may not be enough to convince him he's in the wrong place, and what then?

OP posts:

TheQueef · 03/03/2021 15:19

Stick a note saying Next Door Fred on your door when he goes out.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 15:20

I don't think yabu, and honestly if he's wandering around and can't find his own house he's putting himself in massive danger. What happens of tomorrow it's a few doors down bad they don't know him so his daughter Def needs to sort something. Alas it sounds like he's no longer well enough to live alone.

If he's there for a while, could you come round a back door and call out to him, or through a window? Depends on house layout etc? If he can see your face it might help? Saves him spending 15 minutes confused and upset and you on edge and upset.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 15:21

@TheQueef

Stick a note saying Next Door Fred on your door when he goes out.

We need a like button.

I was wondering what you could do to stop the houses looking alike. A note is Def worth a try.

Fluffy40 · 03/03/2021 15:21

Can you persuade the daughter to write to his GP? If not can you do so, it helped us when a dear neighbour of ours became too confused to remain at home alone.

Viviennemary · 03/03/2021 15:22

I agree a note is a good idea.

PopUpName · 03/03/2021 15:23

YABU not to help him, but YANBU to feel upset about the situation. If you had opened the door to try to help him, and he had become difficult or insistent, then of course that's real problem. But you're imagining he might do that, without (apparently) any reason to think it will.

You should speak to his daughter. It does not sound like it is safe for him to live on his own. You can alert authorities to his declining abilities, as well.

VestaTilley · 03/03/2021 15:24

YANBU. It’s really, really sad, but your point about him being confused and potentially pushing past you is an issue, however unlikely it may be.

I think you need to have a proper chat with the daughter and suggest she involve social care/look in to carers coming daily or exploring a home for him - he’s not safe if he’s sadly wandering confused and trying to get in to the wrong house.

Please don’t just leave it though, the man needs help. If the daughter won’t act I suggest anonymously ringing the social care department of your local council.

Bunnybigears · 03/03/2021 15:26

Honestly the note on the door is a good idea. We used to leave notes for my DGran and she responded very well to them. We had one on the kettle saying "do not put on the hob, use the plug" we had one on the inside of her front door saying "do not walk the dog, John will do it" it seems simple and perhaps a little patronising but honestly it helped a lot.

bookish83 · 03/03/2021 15:27

Can you get one of the door bells you have a camera and speaker on? So you can see who is there which presumably will help you, but it may work if he hears your voice saying to go next door.

Though he is not your responsibility and it sounds like you are very helpful to him, I am not sure why you can't go to the window or door if you know it is him?

I don't think you are being unreasonable but do hope there is a solution for him, dementia is a scary world to live in

Devlesko · 03/03/2021 15:28

Oh bless him, it could be quite dangerous.
Have you spoken to his daughter about it? I'd stress that whilst you don't mind, you are worried about him.
If you put it that way she'll hopefully look towards some care for him.

AlwaysLatte · 03/03/2021 15:28

Why don't you ask him if he's happy for you to spray a colourful circle on his pathway so he knows which one he is? But bottom line is really whether someone's safe living alone if they don't even know where they live, is the daughter fully aware?

Smartiepants79 · 03/03/2021 15:28

A big sign to redirect him would definitely be worth a try. Does your door look similar to his? If so do something to change it???

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 15:28

If you had opened the door to try to help him, and he had become difficult or insistent, then of course that's real problem. But you're imagining he might do that, without (apparently) any reason to think it will so op should wait until she's assaulted and then do something? And then if she posts on here she'd be told she shouldn't have opened the door to him...
He might be the loveliest man to ever walk the Earth and regularly pick worms from the pavement to the safe grass but if he's confused and upset and a stranger opens the door to his house it isn't unreasonable to risk assess what might happen esp as he's a big guy so even just pushing into the house couple knock op over and hurt her, and mitigate against it ie not open it.

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 03/03/2021 15:29

Call the police each time it happens and tell them that someone is trying to get into your house.

If you do it enough, it will become easier for them to do something and get him taken away than for them to keep coming.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 15:30

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

Call the police each time it happens and tell them that someone is trying to get into your house.

If you do it enough, it will become easier for them to do something and get him taken away than for them to keep coming.

Yeah cos the Police pouncing on him as a suspected break and entry is going to help

Original poster

Willothewhisper · 03/03/2021 15:30

Daughter has it all in hand I believe, said she'd arranged some sort of assessment and I know she's taken him to the doctors several times lately. Communication has dropped off from her end and I obviously don't want to pry but I have messaged and explained what's been happening so hopefully she'll step things up.

I could do the window thing except that I'm having a sort of weird 'freeze' reaction and can't seem to decide what to do in the moment, it just brings on total panic. I was like this every time someone knocked the door for about a year after the burglary, doc said it was PTSD.

The sign is a possible, why didn't I think of that?

OP posts:

WinstonmissesXmas · 03/03/2021 15:33

I’d contact adult social care. He’s clearly vulnerable and there’s a safeguarding issue here is he’s going out and then forgetting where he lives.

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2021 15:34

You didn't think of it because you are in a panic. It's easy for other people to minimise your worry.

A sign on your door might say Willo's House, or 'Fred, you live next door'. A sign on his door could say 'Fred's House'- but you'd need to be careful he doesn't open the door to strangers.

Maybe painting your door a different colour, or putting a key cover on the lock or some other 'interrupting' change.

Twizbe · 03/03/2021 15:34

A sign is a very good idea. When my DGrandfather stayed we had notes everywhere reminding him of where he was and where his room was.

At my aunts they had a sign on the door telling him not to go out as the door would lock behind him.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2021 15:36

Could you not speak to him through the door? "Not your house, Fred!"

bigbluebus · 03/03/2021 15:37

Does his daughter know that he is doing this regularly? It sounds to me like he's getting to the point where he is no longer safe to be alone - either in the house or outside. A friend had a similar issue with a neighbour who regularly used to come and bang on her window and tell her all sorts of things that had/hadn't happened - none of which were true when DF investigated and he also used to try and get into her house so her door had to be permanently locked. He was often outside in his PJ's or underwear too. It wasn't long before he needed to go into a care home.

Floralnomad · 03/03/2021 15:40

I would ring adult social services as that may expedite what his daughter is already doing , he really doesn’t sound safe to be wandering about alone . We had an issue with an elderly lady near us and she would stand outside in all weather and try to talk to passers by , inviting them in for tea and all sorts . I rang social services on a Sunday evening because she seemed very agitated in the street and I was concerned that she may invite in someone with less than good intentions . I also knocked on some neighbours ( to hers) doors but nobody would come out as they had obviously , like yourself reached the end of their rope. Anyhow after my call they sent the emergency social worker out and I never saw her outside alone again so it did seem to work .

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 03/03/2021 15:40

Can you access the front door from the back or side? Would it make you feel less afraid if you went out the back and locked it behind you and went round to him at the front? Then you’re not opening your door to him and your house is still secure.

I know it’s not your responsibility to direct him home but if his efforts to get in are scaring you (very understandably) it might be better for you to cut the situation off quickly.

ChristOnAPeloton · 03/03/2021 15:42

“Yeah cos the Police pouncing on him as a suspected break and entry is going to help”

The police aren’t monsters y’know. They deal with wandering dementia sufferers all the time.

So yes, anything they can do to help provide official records in terms of John’s” confused behaviour may turn out to be very helpful for the daughter in terms of securing the necessary funding needed to meet his increasing care needs.

sweetpotatopie12 · 03/03/2021 15:43

Ring adult social services, get a Ring door bell, get in tog house with a dementia society on hue to best handle the situation

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