Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not answer the door to neighbour with dementia

64 replies

Willothewhisper · 03/03/2021 15:16

NDN is an elderly man living on his own, he has a daughter who visits and I'm on good terms with. NDN's health has declined rapidly in the last couple of months, he's become very confused and has been in hospital at least once in recent weeks. His daughter is around as much as possible but has her own family, job etc so NDN is alone a fair bit of the time.

Now to my issue, NDN keeps getting confused about which house is his, he's still going out for his walk every day and when he gets back he tries to unlock my door with his keys. I'm aware I am reacting disproportionately to this because I had a really nasty 'home invasion' type burglary at my last house but I'm afraid to open the door when this happens and end up shaking and getting myself in a real state until he gives up and goes away.

This is making me feel awful on multiple levels, firstly i feel bad for not being more helpful, I have been helping up til recently (shopping, calls to landlord over boiler issues, calls to daughter when he's had problems etc) and if I saw him outside confused I would try to steer him home, it's the fact that he's trying to get into my house that's driving my reaction. I'm obviously worried that he's wandering about confused but he's still a big guy (and I am tiny) and I'm worried he won't be convinced it's not his house and push his way in, or get aggressive because he thinks I'm in his house. So I feel bad that I'm effectively leaving a vulnerable man to fend for himself and I'm struggling to not feel responsible.

But then there's the effect on me, it takes me ages to calm down after it's happened and it's starting to make me on edge in my own home, I feel like the PTSD I had after the burglary is creeping back in. I will speak to his daughter so I'm not really looking for practical solutions, to be entirely honest I have enough shit of my own to deal with right now so will have to hand over solving the problem to her, I just want to know whether I'm being totally U to feel it's not safe for me to open the door when he's obviously so confused. He can hear dogs barking inside which clearly aren't his so me saying 'you don't live here' may not be enough to convince him he's in the wrong place, and what then?

OP posts:
LagneyandCasey · 03/03/2021 15:45

Poor guy but yanbu to feel anxious. It's an invasion of your personal space.

The sign with an arrow is a really good idea. DH's gran had lots of notes around her flat. 'Call Janet if you want a bath' was one I remember fondly. Talk to his daughter so she can show him the sign.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 15:45

@ChristOnAPeloton

“Yeah cos the Police pouncing on him as a suspected break and entry is going to help”

The police aren’t monsters y’know. They deal with wandering dementia sufferers all the time.

So yes, anything they can do to help provide official records in terms of John’s” confused behaviour may turn out to be very helpful for the daughter in terms of securing the necessary funding needed to meet his increasing care needs.

But the comment wasn't to call them explain the elderly neighbour with dementia was trying to get it, just that someone was trying to gain entry. Very different calls and responses.
GuessWhosBackBackAgain · 03/03/2021 15:49

It sounds to me as though he needs more care/support than he's getting but his daughter is leaving you to deal with him, especially as you've been doing things to help him already.

hellywelly3 · 03/03/2021 15:52

We had a neighbour like this growing up. It got really dangerous she was coming in to our house and was convinced my younger sister was her daughter and trying to drag her in to her house. My parents spoke to her daughter but she seemed more concerned with the cost of a nursing home. Her daughter only did something when the police and social services got involved as she was getting on buses and wondering everywhere, going to the hospital and asking for her husband that died etc.

toconclude · 03/03/2021 15:55

@Fluffy40

Can you persuade the daughter to write to his GP? If not can you do so, it helped us when a dear neighbour of ours became too confused to remain at home alone.
Yeah, stick him in a home.🙄 There are a LOT of options before you start locking him up just for being confused. All of which HE gets a say in. Talk to his daughter by all means OP, but not with this as a proposed solution. Meanwhile a note is a good thought.
toconclude · 03/03/2021 15:56

Also, GPs are the last people I'd ask for advice on this. You want adult social care.

Sparklesocks · 03/03/2021 15:59

It’s tricky. My grandma had dementia before she died, and before we found her a place at a dementia specialised care home she lived in a non-specialist one - it was perfectly nice, but she kept escaping! The staff occasionally left the back gate of the garden open or similar as none of the other residents did runners like she did and so they weren’t used to it. She’d wander aimlessly and if anyone asked if she needed help she’d give them an address from where she lived 30 years previously. And she’d get back and think her room was the kitchen or go to the flats next door. We laugh about it now, but it was very stressful.

I think a note is a good idea, and yes flagging it to the daughter.

RedToothBrush · 03/03/2021 16:01

Report to social services.

He's at a level where his mental health means he can no longer live independently and is causing problems which put himself at risk and are affecting you.

The daughter isn't managing the situation and she must be aware of it.

Lou98 · 03/03/2021 16:04

Definitely try a note on the door.

I'd also suggest texting his daughter to let her know every time it happens, if you are unable to in the moment, once things have settled down and you feel able to afterwards. This will let her know exactly how often it's happening and that he needs more help.

Do you live alone? If so, do you have anyone that could maybe stay with you for a few nights so that when he comes to the door there is someone there that can answer and talk to him. This would perhaps help you feel safer too.

YADNBU it can be a scary situation to be in, especially with your PTSD on the top. Could you speak to your own GP about this and explain the reaction you're having to it. This may help you cope but also might give you some useful advice for dealing with the situation

FrankskinnerscRoc · 03/03/2021 16:13

If he has dementia he will probably be wondering why there are barking dogs in his home. His daughter could put a photo of him in the window, providing he recognizes himself. Although it sounds like he shouldn’t be left free to roam around.

LittleOwl153 · 03/03/2021 16:13

Maybe the best thing you can do is get back on to your own GP re you PTSD. Living in fear.of the doorbell no matter who it is is no way to exist. Get some help before it goes too far.

HandyBendySandy · 03/03/2021 16:20

Aww, my DM tried to let herself in to a few different flats in her complex when she started to decline. In the end we put a big red ribbon on her door, so she recognised it as hers - worked quite well.

But a clear note on yours will work as well! DM had lots of notes at one time, but she eventually ignored them all and wandered off down the corridor in her nightie. Rip now mum. ❤️

AintPageantMaterial · 03/03/2021 16:28

Do you have an upstairs window which would allow you to lean out and point and say “not your house Fred - you’re next door, that way”?
It might reassure you if he cottons on immediate and potters off straight away or, if he doesn’t and he’s agitated you would feel confident that you’re justified raising it with his daughter/social services or even the police.

1forAll74 · 03/03/2021 16:31

Tell his daughter that all this is worrying you, she should take notice of this. Big notes about his house number might be a good idea, big enough, in case his eyesight is not good. I would worry about all the things in his home too,like a cooker and all things as such. But the daughter should be on track with all these things.

If you are scared about him knocking at your door, you will just have to not answer it, but he sounds confused, and won't harm you I am sure. Is he able to chat to you, or have any reasonable conversation at all.
Its all very sad, I would worry about him going out for a walk, and just wandering off somewhere,and ending up a mile away etc.

bibblebobbleblackbobble · 03/03/2021 16:35

If the daughter isn't responding to you and a note on the door doesn't work, I would contact social care dept at the council with your concerns. If the weather is bad and/or he isn't shifting from your doorstep, then definitely ring the police who will have a lot of experience of elderly wanderers. You are right not to answer the door - a confused person can panic and you or they could get hurt.

Your PTSD is separate issue which also needs dealing with.

Original poster
Willothewhisper · 03/03/2021 16:35

I agree it's no way to live LittleOwl153 and generally I don't now, it's just him actively trying to get in which is triggering the same reaction, I'm fine if someone just knocks the door. I've messaged his daughter and stressed regularity etc (she knew about the first time it happened but we haven't spoken since) so hopefully she'll respond and we can get something sorted. Some great ideas about notes, ribbons etc I can discuss with her so thank you all for that.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 03/03/2021 16:36

I had an elderly relative who was like this, I had LPA and had terrible trouble trying to get social services to help. I gave the social worker's name and phone number to the neighbours and asked them to phone and report any issues as it would be helpful. It did wake social services up a bit.

It is terribly worrying when people reach this stage and it is so hard to get help. If I had a £ for every time someone told me to "just put her in a home." I'd be wealthy. People don't get how hard it is to get help.

Original poster
Willothewhisper · 03/03/2021 16:44

His eyesight isn't good actually 1forAll74 so yes, notes would have to be big! His hearing is even worse so shouting through the door isn't an option even if I wasn't stuck to the spot. There are already concerns about the cooker etc, daughter has arrived previously to find pans left on and almost alight, we listen for the smoke alarm constantly. I'm realising actually how bad this is and thinking maybe a call to adult social care is in order after all, will see what response I get from his daughter but think I might have to.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 03/03/2021 16:47

I'm not convinced he's necessarily needs to be locked in a home. He clearly values his morning walk and manages to get himself (nearly) home. So either he needs something that stops him trying to get into yours - it does seem worth trying a notice. Or he needs someone to accompany him on the walk.

lanthanum · 03/03/2021 16:49

The only thing that would worry me about a sign is that if the wrong person sees it, and deduces that there is someone very vulnerable living next door, that could be rather dangerous for him.
Does he, in his better moments, know that he keeps getting the wrong door? If so, maybe you can involve him in coming up with a way to remind him.

Original poster
Willothewhisper · 03/03/2021 17:02

I haven't seen him to speak to lanthanum, just noticed him go past on his walk a few times and then the incidents of him trying my door. He can't hear me if I ask him questions anyway, he comes round and tells me if something's wrong and I just have to thumbs up and gesticulate that I'll ring the relevant person.

None of this has been going on very long at all, until a few weeks ago we said hello in passing and he seemed to be coping fine so the whole thing is awkward and out of the ordinary for us as neighbours. It's not like there was any kind of close relationship beforehand so I don't really know him or his daughter well enough to butt in too much, nor do they seem to want me to which I completely respect.

OP posts:
Fluffy40 · 03/03/2021 17:49

I’d still contact his GP, he would be much safer in a GOOD care home and you would have peace of mind as well.

CharlotteRose90 · 03/03/2021 17:52

Oh bless him I wouldn’t open the door to him either. You need to speak to his daughter and see if social services can help. Atleast you are being a nice neighbour most would call the police or something.

Laiste · 03/03/2021 18:13

Rather than putting notes on your house, why not come to an arrangement with him and his daughter that they put something clearly recognisable to him on HIS door. At eye level. So he looks for that near the key hole and if he doesnt see it = it's the wrong house.

Circle of tinsel nailed on? A bright fake flower? A big bright yellow smiley face sticker?

helpfulperson · 03/03/2021 18:17

Do you and he have a clear house number? My dad knew what number his house was and would work his way along the street until he got to the right one. I would let his daughter know every time so she build evidence for support. Chat to her first and say something like 'I'll just drop you a texr'

It's hard because many people would happily go out and redirect him every day but your life experiences make that a challenge for you and that is fine.