To not answer the door to neighbour with dementia

[Willothewhisper]

NDN is an elderly man living on his own, he has a daughter who visits and I'm on good terms with. NDN's health has declined rapidly in the last couple of months, he's become very confused and has been in hospital at least once in recent weeks. His daughter is around as much as possible but has her own family, job etc so NDN is alone a fair bit of the time.

Now to my issue, NDN keeps getting confused about which house is his, he's still going out for his walk every day and when he gets back he tries to unlock my door with his keys. I'm aware I am reacting disproportionately to this because I had a really nasty 'home invasion' type burglary at my last house but I'm afraid to open the door when this happens and end up shaking and getting myself in a real state until he gives up and goes away.

This is making me feel awful on multiple levels, firstly i feel bad for not being more helpful, I have been helping up til recently (shopping, calls to landlord over boiler issues, calls to daughter when he's had problems etc) and if I saw him outside confused I would try to steer him home, it's the fact that he's trying to get into my house that's driving my reaction. I'm obviously worried that he's wandering about confused but he's still a big guy (and I am tiny) and I'm worried he won't be convinced it's not his house and push his way in, or get aggressive because he thinks I'm in his house. So I feel bad that I'm effectively leaving a vulnerable man to fend for himself and I'm struggling to not feel responsible.

But then there's the effect on me, it takes me ages to calm down after it's happened and it's starting to make me on edge in my own home, I feel like the PTSD I had after the burglary is creeping back in. I will speak to his daughter so I'm not really looking for practical solutions, to be entirely honest I have enough shit of my own to deal with right now so will have to hand over solving the problem to her, I just want to know whether I'm being totally U to feel it's not safe for me to open the door when he's obviously so confused. He can hear dogs barking inside which clearly aren't his so me saying 'you don't live here' may not be enough to convince him he's in the wrong place, and what then?

I’ve had a very similar experience with this, unfortunately it will keep getting worse (perhaps on and off). I would suggest you send an email to adult social care (google your local council and adult social care) so they are aware. More evidence from different sources is useful for this sort of thing, and concrete points like “he frequently goes out and when he returns he doesn’t know which door is his” is a concern when you’re looking at whether someone is safe to keep living by themselves.

However for yourself, I would say your PDSD probably does need looking at again, can you book appointment with Gp? I would write myself a note for when it next happens saying “I know that logically this will be x from next door, I’ve never known him to be violent but I don’t have to open the door just in case, I can ring x to resolve this and nothing bad will come to me”

For general door worries, a ring doorbell is extremely reassuring. As well as seeing who is there (even if they don't ring the bell) you can speak though it so could just be a disembodied voice telling him to go next door.

Could his family put a large notice on the inside of his door saying 'don't go out Fred'? There are alarms they can get to alert family if he goes out. If he tries to get into yours I wouldn't open the door- ideally open a nearby window & say in a friendly voice he's got the wrong house. I'd keep a note of how often it happens & tell social services as this is a major safeguarding issue and sadly he probably can't stay living alone much longer.

House numbers are both clear yes and he has to go past my house to get to his so not sure something on his door would work as he may not realise he hasn't gone far enough, if that makes sense. Tbf I don't see him often enough to really gauge what might work, I can only suggest things to his daughter and see what she thinks. Still no reply as yet, will update when there is in case anyone's interested

I'd love a Ring doorbell, had to use a food bank just to eat this week though so bit out of my reach atm sadly.

I would ring social services because even if they are already involved a report from a non-family member is extra information that can be used to support just how much he has deteriorated and needs help beyond what he daughter can provide.

I wonder whether pictures on your doors might help him. One of Fred on your door in a red circle with a line through it and one on his door with a big thumbs up?

I used to care for a lady who had dementia. She also happened to move across the road from me. She regularly used to knock and eventually ended up in a care home.

Please call Social Services and get him some help. My husband died recently from early onset Alzheimer’s and for a long time he lived in fear. Dementia is a scary illness and maybe he’s reached the stage where he’s not capable of living on his own.

I appreciate your fears as well because their moods can quickly change but luckily my husband was only ever unreasonable with me! At the very least he probably needs regular contact with carers who could take him out or help him at home.

I think it’s lovely that you care.

As a pp said getting help is not easy also getting him into a nursing home is not a simple process either. You need a referral through care management and to get into a good nursing home requires weekly phone calls to see if a place becomes available, the priority list changes constantly and a person being discharged from hospital takes priority on the day. It really can be luck of the draw, if you happen to be discharged from hospital when a bed in a good nursing home becomes available. Just getting a diagnosis of dementia takes time too.

However, as others have said, there are lots of supports that can be put in the home to make life more manageable for a person with dementia to stay in their own home and it's worth exploring these first as a nursing home is really only once all other options are not adequate. Unfortunately speaking from personal experience, the situation has to get to crisis point - a hospital stay in our case - before any support is offered.

I agree getting help isn't easy and his daughter almost certainly isn't doing nothing. My mother in law is in a very similar state to your neighbour and we are tearing our hair out because she isn't safe to live alone (and we live several hours away). She's been adamant that she doesn't want to leave her flat and social services aren't really engaging with us.

If someone reported to social services that she was at risk I'd be so grateful.

He's clearly very vulnerable and sadly is getting to the point where he needs extra care. It doesn't sound like he should be living alone imo.

I’d be worried that he’ll eventually forget his key when he goes out so will be locked out of his home.

It's a really difficult situation and I feel for you. My Mom has dementia and still lives alone. I'd be horrified if she was disturbing her neighbours and would definitely want to know and do my best to stop it. As others have mentioned, if the daughter doesn't reply I would ring social services.

Trying to get help and support in the early days was really hard, particularly before we got the diagnosis. I spoke to social services but they were reluctant to help but gave us the contacts for charity support. I ended up getting a private care agency in to help Mom day to day (I live miles away).