Should I talk to my mother again about forcing my son to kill insects or does that look petty and overbearing?

[Unicant]

I havent had the easiest of relationships with my mother but she is quite ill now and I dont see her often because she lives abroad. I try not to rock the boat. We usually see each other twice a year, Christmas and summer holiday. I am their only child and my two children their only grandchildren.
My son is nearly 6 and I've always brought him up to be kind to animals and plants. We are vegetarian and my parents aren't.. which is fine.. and when they look after the grandchildren I dont mind what they cook etc
I also do not mind if my mother kills insects herself. She is allergic to insect bites and gets swollen lumps from them.
However last summer when we saw them I came across her teasing my son trying to get him to swat a fly... I just said 'oh dont wind him up like that' good naturedly and she stopped and I thought that was it.

But recently we were discussing maybe going over there in August if we are allowed to this year.... and my son looked worried.
After a time he started asking me why grandma kills insects, and I told him she's allergic to their bites etc
But it transpired she had been forcing him to kill insects on quite a few occasions and he has anxiously been thinking about it all this time. He seemed quite upset. He was saying I dont want to kill insects its wrong. I got the impression she was kind of bullying him into it. He said she made him squash a ladybird on the garden table...

Now I know this seems like a really petty issue but its just the fact that he's had this in his mind all year and it seems to be something worrying him.. im not sure how to handle it without looking disrespectful to my mother and causing an argument or bad feeling... our relationship is delicate anyway
But I feel very guilty about my son having to go through that when its obviously effecting him.
Should I try and speak to her about it or is that ridiculous?
Shes not the type of person who really takes on board any type of perceived criticism... both my parents think im oversensitive.. they have quite old school ideas they dont talk in emotional terms really and are set in their ways and respond negatively to any challenge to that (for example they chain smoke in the car even when they have my son in the car despite telling me they wouldn't just to placate me, but my son mentioned that they do it anyway)
So I'm at a loss as to how to make this better... how much do you put up with to keep a relationship stable and have grandparents in grandchildren lives?
I love them and I know they love my children... but I also don't want my son to be emotionally invalidated and essentially bullied
And we dont see them that often to be fair...

YABU ignore it you are overreacting
YANBU you have to try and do something about it

I said boy because the OP was talking about her son. If you've been with school children of that age you would know it's the norm. And they don't go onto become psychopathic killers either. Ad the get older they develop a wider sense of the world and of others in it.

I do think my son is quite sensitive. I do understand little children may kill insects... and as I've said I dont call my mother up on killing insects herself even tho its not what I would do...
The issue is that she made him do this thing he didn't want to do and on top of that it was killing something pointlessly... it wasnt even inside it was just on the table in the garden
And the issue is that maybe she thinks he's sensitive and its a bad thing...or that she is trying to wind me up because she thinks I'm sensitive.. or she takes it as a personal insult that neither of us want to kill any animals
I just think its unsettling and aggressive.. not so much the insect killing but the pressure on my son

If my mum forced my child to kill insects when he didn't want to (and smoked in the car with him present ), she wouldn't see him again.

Please don't let her do this to him. She's not automatically entitled to a relationship with your son and if she can't be trusted not to be emotionally abusive she doesn't deserve one.

Her style is to squash his inclinations to enforce her own upon him. This is not ok. It's hard for you as an adult to deal with that, it's been on his mind for a long time. Your instincts that your son should not be subjected to this are valid. Now you need to decide your plan, maybe you will need to deal with your own emotional reaction to this in order to be able to act in your son's interests. You need to identify what you should do, what might work to create the change needed and what you personally can cope with doing. If you can't persuade or demand she does things differently then you need to stand between them instead. That might be to not leave him alone with her, it might be a reduce her presence in his life... You need to unravel the threads by keep in mind he is a small child so his needs are top of the consideration pile.

The killing things issue has been dealt with by everyone above, but I'm not seeing many comments about the smoking with him in the car. That's really putting his health at risk - please please stop this happening. If it causes a row then so be it - he needs to be protected.

@RedHelenB

I said boy because the OP was talking about her son. If you've been with school children of that age you would know it's the norm. And they don't go onto become psychopathic killers either. Ad the get older they develop a wider sense of the world and of others in it.

I have worked with young children at school for over 30 years and it isn't the norm to kill insects for fun. Any child who did that would get a serious chat.

She is trying in her eyes to make him more like her than he is you.. She has expressed what she thinks of you op.... She is openly criticising your ds..
My dm was similar.
We are nc. And she hasn't seen my dc for 9 years..

@Throckmorton
They only see my children at most twice a year for a couple of weeks at a time. And we have our own car both here and rented when we visit them so my kids are only ever in their car very briefly. For example if they want to take my son to the local cafe but my daughter is asleep they might take him in their car... so as far as car journeys are concerned he is in their car perhaps 3 times a year for a few minutes. This is why I havent made a bigger of a deal about the smoking.
Its just that I did ask them not to smoke in the car when they have him in the car and they agreed to that but my son tells me that they still did smoke in the car...
So its just something I think about that even when I do ask them to do things and they agree its not a given that they actually do them

@RedHelenB

I'd say killing insects is the norm for a 6 year old boy, he seems very sensitive.

It's normal for a six year old boy not to have been taught that it's wrong, whilst girls usually are taught to be gentle and respectful you mean.

That a child does understand that hurting or killing insects is wrong is to their credit.

I'd reinforce to your son OP that he doesn't have to do anything his gran tells him to - same goes for other people making him do something bad.

My 8 year old DS also is not of the insect killing persuasion, it's far from typical boys behaviour! That aside, your DS is telling you that he, as a young child, is being pressured by an adult into doing something that he does not want to do. He is keeping it secret from you (or at least the extent of it) and this has come out because it has caused him internal distress which he is no longer able to internalise at the prospect of spending time with her. You know the behaviour is wrong in itself, but please also consider the message you're sending your son by not tackling this head on. Extrapolate this scenario as he grows, he needs to know you're a safe space to talk and will help him, not that you'll back down to placate others regardless of who they are.

Another saying killing an insect is not typical boy behaviour. My DS is 17 now, allergic to insect bites (anaphylactic after one bite when was 7). He traps and frees insects. Never kills. I kill flies (in the kitchen) and he ticks me off.

Not sure how you should handle you DM, sorry! If it were me I probably wouldn’t leave him alone with your parents given the smoking and being set in their ways generally.

Can't you tell him he has your permission to disobey Grandma if she tells him to kill anything?

@RedHelenB

I'd say killing insects is the norm for a 6 year old boy, he seems very sensitive.

We kill insects, sorry, but if any flies get into my house and don't leave they get swatted or sprayed. They are pests that harbour disease.

Squishing a ladybird outdoors on a table is far from normal for either a 6 year old boy or adult. There is no reason to do that other than being nasty. Ignore it, or gently sweep it away if you are eating at the table or put it back into the garden.

Making him kill the insect when he didn't want to combined with smoking when he is in the car (which is actually illegal!) even after you have told them not to would be enough to convince me not to leave my child with them unsupervised.

Then if they behave inappropriately while you are there you need to learn to stand up to your mum on behalf of your ds.

What sort of psychopath squashes ladybirds?! It’s very telling that you are afraid of confrontation with her OP. She’s not a good person to expose your child to.

Killing bugs is not the norm for children who have been raised properly, to respect other living creatures. I would massively judge the parents of any 6 year old who thought squashing bugs for no good reason was acceptable. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a child being sensitive, he sounds like a lovely kid OP.

You’ve got a choice between meeting your sons needs or meeting your mother’s. You sound distressed by the prospect of upsetting her but I personally would be more distressed at upsetting my son.

@Sgjudxbyef

And killing things is vile

What about viruses and bacteria? Is it ok to kill those things?

Debatable they're even "alive" in any meaningful sense.