To step back from helping DM

[NeedaKitKat]

I'm really frustrated and have no one to offload or seek advice from.....I'll try not to waffle.

My DM is selling her house and relocating to my city. I've dealt with her house sale and as it's a private sale, I've also done the role of the estate agents, dealing with the buyers etc, as well as handling all the legal side of things. During this time I suffered a second trimester loss of our first child after many years of struggling to conceive. The sale has dragged on and I've followed it through to what will be completion very soon. Also arranged removals, storage etc.
At the same time I've been on endless property viewings in the last 5months to find her a home here. Had found one, but structural survey came back with major issues and we had to pull out. Waste of time and money. Was back on the hunt come January and last month found a property that was well below budget but needs work doing. DM is notoriously fussy and uncompromising with her expectations- not willing to downsize, wants a downstairs WC/shower room, wants a garage, a big kitchen etc. It's been really difficult in her budget.

DH has been amazingly helpful despite a very full on work schedule and has really given his all. He offered to manage the project whilst DM lives with us (as her house will have sold). DM was reassured and seemingly happy with this. Also, she almost expected to stay with us as if that should be a given, even though I offered to find her a rental. Anyway, she was shown the house online and street view because of lockdown etc. She agreed that with the renovation project she'll at least get all the things she wants in a house. So for last 6 weeks I've been engaged with solicitors, estate agent, builders and painters sorting things out with this purchase.

In the midst of all of this Ive been dealing with my own grief and was at the point of contemplating adoption and by some miracle I happen to find out I'm pregnant. It's been really tough managing my anxiety with this pregnancy but thankfully things are moving in the right direction. I've just hit my second trimester.

In the last few days I find that she's driven by the house with my DSis and had a look from the outside. She has now decided she doesn't like the look of the house and said the street was narrow and the area is "dirty". She doesn't know the area at all. I don't agree with any of her comments.

AIBU in simply backing off and not being involved in anything further to do with her house buy?

I feel belittled, my judgement undermined, and our time and effort unvalued. Now she'll be moving out in a few weeks with nowhere to buy and living at ours for ? amount of time. I'm feel let down and just simply used. We don't have the best of relationships as it is, it's taken a lot of maturity from me to let things go as she's my "mother" but it's getting harder and harder to convince myself of this.
Sorry about the long post.

I'm really saddened to hear how bad it's been for you @SugarfreeBlitz and glad that you are having counselling. It's easy to feel you're the awkward one when everyone else in the "family" all share the same warped mentality.

There has been a lot of sensible advice on this thread, it's made me see things from a different perspective.

@SugarfreeBlitz "@NeedaKitKat Congratulations flowers about your pregnancy. Please take all the rest and peace you need and put your baby first. The baby will pick up on any anxiety so you need your husband to put this woman in her place."

I know you mean well, but I don't think it's helpful for you to say that the baby will pick up on any anxiety. That will only make women feel even more guilty about being anxious, at what is already a very stressful time being pregnant after a loss.

Many women, myself included, struggle with mental health issues. Many of those women will be taking medication, that is the best for their babies. It is not realistic to suggest that pregnancy should only be a time of low-stress and anxiety. For many, it just isn't possible. Those mothers are still doing the best for their babies, and seeing people make comments that the baby will pick up on your anxiety, is really quite damaging.

Sorry, the first paragraph of my post is a quote.

@oil0W0lio You sound like me with health issues related to trauma. I'm so sorry. There are a lot of us, it seems. There are still Flying Monkeys available at this time, so it has been unpleasant. I am learning to disregard theie obdience to "the gorgon" and hope they see through what they are doing one day and stop living in fear!

@NeedaKitKat aww thanks. I really hope your husband has success in laying down boundaries to keep her from manipulating or controlling you. It's a shame your Mother didn't stay living where she used to live, with familiar people and friends nearby, so she wouldn't be a burden on you or your sister.

@tofuschnitzel ok I see your point. I did mean to be helpful, but am an amateur so please regard any advice as such @NeedaKitKat Just hope you find peace to enjoy your pregnancy and new baby.

How are things going @NeedaKitKat ? Sending good wishes! I also wanted to say that I wonder if your DSis didn't engineer the drive past which resulted in your DM changing her mind so late in the process. Is there a chance she was being a bit of a menace? She ought to be doing everything to help smooth the process along, not throwing a spanner in the works! Especially when she has not helped you at all and you have done so much work. Anyway, she may find she has shot herself in the foot! Now she will have to take over and it doesn't like she will find a house with as much potential within the same budget.
I hope you have managed to have the converstaion and tell DM that shr cannot stay with you.

I’ve just sold my house so I know 100% how stressful the process is. I’m sorry Op. your mum is ungrateful.

My sentiments exactly @whatisheupto....had Dsis just acted out of spite? I have little faith that she didn't, or at least just didn't advise her properly. Surely a visit to the house with me would have been appropriate before throwing the towel in?

Anyhow, tried standing up for myself. Perhaps I could have been calmer with DM, but I spent best part of the week being upset by this bs....as a result things escalated quickly because, of course, everything I said was met with complete denial of any wrong doing. Of course things derailed when I dared to mention that DSis was also wrong in this.

My poor DH scared out of his mind stepped in worried about the baby I'm carrying in all of this and was stern and laid down the law with mum.
He stupidly mentioned in heat of exchange that his mum didn't behave like this. That's when all hell broke loose.
Then we got the tears, the guilt trip, the never-going-to-see-me-again, bullying accusations, the pain I cause because I'm not speaking to my DSis, that I'm terrorising her in her old age, will give her a heart attack etc etc.
It was a shit storm.

After some awkward silences, DH tried to deescalate situation by apologising and asking her to talk things through. After some further struggle, she finally listened to why I was upset, and lack of verbal retort perhaps meant she understood. Finally said she should have asked me to show her the house but didn't want to burden me any further because of my pregnancy. Then finally some actual real affection towards me.....
And to top it all off all the other houses she's seen past few days in a mad panic are FUCKING SHIT!! So property ive chosen is back on the list.

I'm sorry for swearing but I'm so emotionally so fucking worn out. Not to mention that I fear I've broken my poor DH a little in the process. He's not accustomed to this and I know how terrified he was that this would affect the baby. He realised that whatever way he tried, he was also the bad guy.
I know I've managed this all very poorly and the guilt is awful. Please don't roast me.

OP,
This is just horrific to read.

I feel so sorry for you and your husband.

This is the most difficult time and your mothers behaviour is so shocking it's unbelievable.

Your mother is such an appalling excuse of a human being.

I think you have been used to such a horrifically abusive relationship you just are completely unable to see this.

You are a grieving young woman that is pregnant.

You need minding, not this.

The idea that a mother would behave in such a way is so unconscionable as to be totally unbelievable.

Your sister quite likely did what she did to stir.

Your mother's behaviour so shocking.

I'm so disappointed that your husband caved and allowed her to upset you further.

The best thing you could do for yourself, your pregnancy and your marriage would be to completely withdraw to look after your pregnancy.

I can't believe this dreadful upset is anything but very bad for you.

You should have bed rest for a week to bring your blood pressure down to relax and rest.

Have you told your OB exactly the level of stress you are under.

Please mind yourself.
I hope she is not moving in.

I really hope you get some help to assist you in seeing how utterly toxic your mother is and the awful family dynamic you are in.

Life is so short and your baby needs and deserves a happy relaxed mum and dad.

Mind yourself not your awful mother.

I know I've managed this all very poorly and the guilt is awful.

You are on a steep learning curve, that's all. You need to reframe your thinking - at the moment you are still reactive and avoidant. But look - she's been told, she's blown up and you got through it. She survived being told no. Your DH knows what he's up against. And I think he said the right thing- his mother wouldn't behave like this - go back to that. What would a "normal" parent do? Expect their pregnant daughter to househunt for them, rent a house for them, let them move in with them, put up with verbal abuse from them? Hell no! They would get their head out of their arse and be trying to be the least burden and the most help.

You haven't done anything wrong! You asserted yourself for once.

Have you told her she can't live with you yet?

DH did make living elsewhere very clear. He did the best he could yesterday given that we didn't want it to end like a scene from eastenders.

Dont answer the phone - well done to your DH for trying - but he is going to have to keep with it....
She is not coming to live with you and she can sort her own house out...
just get him to repeat rinse repeat rinse repeat...
no explanations are needed.......

and breathe........ please step away from both her and your dsis for a bit..... best wishes for your pregnancy but you will need to be the adult to your child - maybe see if you can get some conselling help...
as well as the stress of pregnancy it can also raise issues and feeelings form yourself and your chidlhood and all your relationships...
be kind to yourself and your dh-
think of a physical barricade around your house and lives if that helps one friend of mine imagines living in an old castle with big walls and a drawbridge that she pulls up when theings get just too much ..
I listened to sea sounds and imagine myself on a tropical beach in my stressful pregnancy..

Just keep telling yourself that you and your DH have done nothing wrong. Loads of objective strangers with no reason to take sides have told you that your mother is acting completely out of line.

It's hard to change your conditioning but really you are doing the right thing by standing up to her. As @CannotOperateOnThisFailure explained perfectly, she acts like she'll break when challenged, but actually she survives absolutely fine. Please look at YouTube videos on managing people with narcissistic behaviour and how it affects you when someone close to you has narcissistic traits. You might feel powerless to manage her behaviour but in fact setting your boundaries will empower you and your husband.

Absolutely this^

Narcs are so toxic. You need tactics !

Delighted she is not moving in.

Now take a break from your phone.

If you use WhatsAp, turn the ticks off so they can't see you are online.

Mind yourself.

You and your DH. And your lovely baby are not the problem. Your family are. Focus on yourself and baby. I've had multiple misscarriges and the fear and guilt when being pregnant is over whelming. Prioritize your own family. A healthy relationship does not make you feel guilty, shun or penalise you. I would step back. Don't let her live your don't pay her rent. She is an adult. Your sister is an adult. X

@Googlebrained

Just keep telling yourself that you and your DH have done nothing wrong. Loads of objective strangers with no reason to take sides have told you that your mother is acting completely out of line.

It's hard to change your conditioning but really you are doing the right thing by standing up to her. As @CannotOperateOnThisFailure explained perfectly, she acts like she'll break when challenged, but actually she survives absolutely fine. Please look at YouTube videos on managing people with narcissistic behaviour and how it affects you when someone close to you has narcissistic traits. You might feel powerless to manage her behaviour but in fact setting your boundaries will empower you and your husband.

This. Show this thread to your husband. Sounds like he has made a cracking start even if he did back down. He needs to know he has your full support to stand up for you when you are vulnerable and low. You can and will learn to deal with her.

Sorry to say it's sounds like your sister is a chip off the old block. Focus on your beautiful baby and your family. You will have a summer/end summer baby - what a wonderful way to come out of this lockdown.

You poor dear girl. You don’t deserve this.
The behaviour of your mother and sis is just appalling.
No more house hunting.
She can rent until lockdown is over then house hunt herself. You are NOT her unpaid servant.
Your baby and your own health are your priority now.
DH has made a good start and needs to stand firm. He can tell her he is following your doctors orders.
Please get some help to de stress
I think you have done the very best you could having been dealt such a poor hand but they cannot be allowed to continue to put your health at risk.
You could move mountains for people like this and they would barely thank you for it... they would just accept it as their due.
“All hell broke loose” because after constant pressure and tantrums to comply you finally said no to her.
GOOD!!! What else has she got! They both punish you with threats of exclusion... but that’s better than this constant toxic bullying. After they’ve punished you with the cold shoulder what else can they do? Nothing!!!
So let them Have their tantrum as it will give you some peace.
It’s interesting that when you DH pointed out that his mum would never behave like that, that’s when she kicked off ... someone pointing out her behaviour wasn’t justified.
Please think of yourself and your baby. Spend time with people who are nice to you. The others need to earn the right to your company with good behaviour. I hope you get some respite from their artificial problems.

Just get rid. job done ✅

Stay strong @NeedaKitKat and put yourself first, for once in your life.
She will probably make you feel guilty, but guess what- she's had her turn at having babies and doing things her way. You're the Mum, now. This is your life, your baby and your time.

You can't be vaccinated while pregnant can you?
She can't possibly move in with you. She'd have to behave as though still in lockdown for the next 5-6 months ......... shame.

Your dh can definitely be the bad guy, now you both know that whatever you do, you’ll always be the bad guys, so make the decisions you need to for yourselves

“Dm/mil, we’ve changed our minds, we’ve helped all we can and all we are prepared to, you can take it from here. You will have to find a rental or something as we won’t be able to host you here. We have to focus on our baby and making sure things are as stress free as possible, I’m sure you’ll understand”

And then Rinse and repeat “no; that doesn’t work for us”

Then we got the tears, the guilt trip, the never-going-to-see-me-again, bullying accusations, the pain I cause because I'm not speaking to my DSis, that I'm terrorising her in her old age, will give her a heart attack etc etc. It was a shit storm.

After some awkward silences, DH tried to deescalate situation by apologising and asking her to talk things through. After some further struggle, she finally listened to why I was upset, and lack of verbal retort perhaps meant she understood.

Classic Narcissistic behaviour

And no, the silence means she knows I’ll look like that, but she is still winning

Especially as h went on to apologise for his absolutely rational and reasonable reaction to her behaviour

You can’t win with a narcissist- so don’t even play the game

Back off, LET HER KICK OFF, it’s fine and good for her to see the consequences of her actions

Your generosity isn’t being accepted with gratitude, she’s reveling in your (perceived in her eyes) weakness

The more you strive for her acceptance the more she’ll despise you

This ^

As a narc abuse survivor, I vouch for this. I'm currently going through the silent treatment from my Mother during a very hard time personally ( which she knows about) , while she stirs up trouble by lying to other people that im ignoring her . I'm having therapy and I recommend it. You can't change them, but you can change how you respond to them.