To step back from helping DM

[NeedaKitKat]

I'm really frustrated and have no one to offload or seek advice from.....I'll try not to waffle.

My DM is selling her house and relocating to my city. I've dealt with her house sale and as it's a private sale, I've also done the role of the estate agents, dealing with the buyers etc, as well as handling all the legal side of things. During this time I suffered a second trimester loss of our first child after many years of struggling to conceive. The sale has dragged on and I've followed it through to what will be completion very soon. Also arranged removals, storage etc.
At the same time I've been on endless property viewings in the last 5months to find her a home here. Had found one, but structural survey came back with major issues and we had to pull out. Waste of time and money. Was back on the hunt come January and last month found a property that was well below budget but needs work doing. DM is notoriously fussy and uncompromising with her expectations- not willing to downsize, wants a downstairs WC/shower room, wants a garage, a big kitchen etc. It's been really difficult in her budget.

DH has been amazingly helpful despite a very full on work schedule and has really given his all. He offered to manage the project whilst DM lives with us (as her house will have sold). DM was reassured and seemingly happy with this. Also, she almost expected to stay with us as if that should be a given, even though I offered to find her a rental. Anyway, she was shown the house online and street view because of lockdown etc. She agreed that with the renovation project she'll at least get all the things she wants in a house. So for last 6 weeks I've been engaged with solicitors, estate agent, builders and painters sorting things out with this purchase.

In the midst of all of this Ive been dealing with my own grief and was at the point of contemplating adoption and by some miracle I happen to find out I'm pregnant. It's been really tough managing my anxiety with this pregnancy but thankfully things are moving in the right direction. I've just hit my second trimester.

In the last few days I find that she's driven by the house with my DSis and had a look from the outside. She has now decided she doesn't like the look of the house and said the street was narrow and the area is "dirty". She doesn't know the area at all. I don't agree with any of her comments.

AIBU in simply backing off and not being involved in anything further to do with her house buy?

I feel belittled, my judgement undermined, and our time and effort unvalued. Now she'll be moving out in a few weeks with nowhere to buy and living at ours for ? amount of time. I'm feel let down and just simply used. We don't have the best of relationships as it is, it's taken a lot of maturity from me to let things go as she's my "mother" but it's getting harder and harder to convince myself of this.
Sorry about the long post.

OMFG please do not let her move in as you are in the latter stages of pregnancy. It will be a disaster. It will cause no end of problems when you have a newborn.
No no no no. If you can't tell her, get DH to insist. He can be the bad guy.

Honestly. I know it's hard but please don't let her move in. I had a friend sometime ago in a similar situation. It ruined her relationship. Her DH moved out because they couldn't get his MIL out, my friend was so passive and scared of her own mum that she didn't dare rock the boat.

Please please don't let her move in. Just call her and say that she can't move in. If the flat with sister doesn't work she needs to find a rental

She will railroad you quite easily as she has trained you to respond to guilt. That's why you need your DH to step up or only respond in writing so you can reflect before sending it.

Please see this, it explains how she manipulates you and you become her rescuer pin.it/hHF428F (the drama triangle) . What keeps you in the drama triangle is guilt, a sense of powerlessness and a lack of awareness of what's going on. Once you stop feeling guilty, start to assert yourself and become aware of their manipulations, the ability of someone to suck you back into the drama, subsides.

It doesn't mean that you have to be unkind to your mother,. Just have boundaries and recognise that while she has choices, so do you.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound bossy, but just give you some info that might help you to see what's going on?

@oil0W0lio

They need eachother and privacy as they get to know the baby she will do all that she can to disrupt this because it works against what she wants

Yes I agree with you. She wants one thing and one thing only - her baby all to her self. That's YOU OP, you are the chosen one. Her golden Child She wants to go back to a time when she had you to herself, felt useful and loved you needing her. It's unhealthy and it's going to stifle you if you dont act now.

Think of your own mental health. Think of your baby's wellbeing. Any kids come before your parents. Always. Don't let her steal anymore from you.

If you're scared of being screamed at, get some counselling and get your husband to face her with you. This is your life She's had her choice of life when she was younger. Did she allow her Mother to live with her? I'm guessing this selfish mother has done what she wanted and not prioritised anyone else.

Oh jeeze. Now you have the worst of both worlds.

You have her staying with you, and now, no control whatsoever about the time scale for getting her into her own place. If she and sis dither about in a disorganised fashion over finding and securing a house, she'll be with you forever.

Agree with PPs who've suggested that a short term rental would actually give your DM a much better chance to find an area/house that she really likes - and also to trial living on her own in a new place. I can't imagine your DSis wants her mother in a small city centre flat either, so it could be a useful dual approach.

I allowed a family member to stay with me. Big mistake! Not naming any names, but they became very comfortable and tried to stay forever. I had to move them out, but it would have been easier if they had not moved in in the first place.

I definitely think some parents cook up plans to "stay" with their child forever.

Why did you do all that for her?

She's an ungrateful brat. Let her sort herself out. Don't be a martyr at the expense of your own family.

You're allowing yourself to be horribly used and manipulated.

@HollowTalk

I think she needs to be looking at a retirement place, really. She's moving to an area where she only knows you and your sister - she needs a way of making new friends.

No she doesn’t. It’s not necessary to live in a geriatric ghetto to make friends. She does need a place of her own though.

You've got such good advice on here OP. I have been in a v similar situation and I suspect our mothers are similar too. It took me some time ( and Mumsnet help) to realise I didn't have to 'save' her. And that anyway her standards were impossibly high and a bit of average rental accommodation wasn't going to kill her. I'd always done everything she wanted and been such a 'good girl' (frankly because I was pretty terrified of her) so it was very empowering to allow myself to stop. I still have to remind myself frequently where to draw the line.
If I were you I wouldn't call the house purchase off. Now you have told her she can find something else herself and you will not be helping, she might decide she goes want it after all. If it's easier for you, then tell her you give her til Friday to think about it. If she pulls out then, you will have no more to go with her house hunting.

Maybe she should live where here friends are

I mean live where her friends live - wherever she came from where she does know people.

I cannot ever imagine moving nearer my child and being a burden. I like to think I would stay independant and live my own life with my friends around me. But then, I'm not looking to dominate my child.

You (or better, DH) just say " Sorry, change of plan.. KIt Kat is pregnant and must be calm and stressfree. So instead of moving in with us it's best if you rent while you are househunting. " and send her a list of rental agents. Then you step back .

Estate agents can help her find a rental then a place to buy. They are paid to do that and its their field of expertise.

(frankly because I was pretty terrified of her)
Ah, yes 'mothers reign of Terror', I remember it well, it seems not to occur to them that a plan B might be required when terror can no longer be enforced
When you stand up to them they have nowhere to go.....

Good God you have gone over and above doing all that for her!
Honestly, let her move in with your sister.
Hope everything goes so well with your pregnancy, I think you could definitely do without having your mum living with you, especially with no end in sight>

Definitely step back and concentrate on you. You and your baby need to be priority for you now. Congratulations, and sorry for your earlier loss

I wouldn't want to buy a house without seeing it properly. But don't let her move in - you'll never get rid of her.

Have you actually discussed any of this with your sister? Or is she too incompetent to be trusted? And do you base this on things your lovely kind and benevolent mother has told you or actual experience?

Your siblings are your longest relationship. They are closer in age to you than your parents and there for life, almost. You'd be missing out- not to try and work on the relationship with your sister and get her support.

How do you know your sister is "irresponsible" and whatever? Is it actual fact or drip dripping of poison from your mother (who clearly wants to isolate you from all outside support) Is your sister really the enemy? Or is it actually your Mother's plan to divide and conquer to get complete control over every aspect of your life? Ask yourself and look at actual facts.

So sorry for your loss Time to start putting yourself first!

You need to either text or get DH to call and say "We've talked about it again after our call and it actually won't be ok for you to stay here with no sale agreed. You could either rent or stay at sisters if that is better for you both" You need to text or get DH to do it because otherwise you will backtrack again (Not judging you... it's really hard to break conditioning). But you need to do it now... not wait till she moves in, it will only get harder.

I agree with PP, you need to make the call/message now, and tell her that she can no longer stay, blame DH if you must.

Look after yourself and congratulations

@NeedaKitKat

Thank you both. Just reading your replies have made me cry. Because there is no one else to say it, I feel lost in this haze where perhaps I'm wrong and then guilt trip myself. I keep reminding myself to just look after this baby and not fill it toxic anxiety. Really need to switch off from it.

OP, please don't punish yourself by thinking toxic anxiety will harm the baby in any way. Your baby is safely protected inside you, nothing you feel will have an effect on them.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your anxiety going into your pregnancy, I am also currently pregnant after a loss. Please give yourself time to grieve. It took me until about week 20 to feel more confident that my pregnancy is actually going well, and for me to begin actually looking forward to meeting my twins. I have been so worried this will be taken away from me at any time.

Definitely give yourself permission to step back from your mum's house search. You have done so much for her, now you need to focus on yourself.

YANBU
let her get on with it herself. Please focus on you and your baby and grieving your loss.
Your mother is an adult and its ridiculous shes leaning on you so heavily, especially given the circumstances of your pregnancy loss.
You are absolutely not unreasonable to step back and care for yourself right now.

OP,
That she would burden you like this after your terrible loss tells us all we need to know.

Ask your husband to step in an say no, if you feel unable to.

Instead of the baby having your focus, you will be caught up with minding, feeding and humouring this woman...endlessly.....with absolutely no idea of an end in sight.

No privacy either.

Please tell her no, or ask your husband to.

I'm sorry not been able to respond to some questions but appreciate all the collective advice.

It does really hit home that I've been conditioned and emotionally blackmailed for many years and the guilt is ingrained. I have this wonderful chance to finally have my own family and I don't want to be this feeble individual as a role model.

In fact, my relationship with DSis was exactly the same, lots of expectations from me but very little in return. When I stepped back and reduced my time and effort, DSis quite literally shunned me and hasn't spoken to me since she got married and has become a mother herself. I can only guess that since I stopped bending backwards, I lost my place in her life. There has been no other explanation given so I believe this can only be why. I did reach out and went to visit her when she had a baby, had general chit chat but once I left, it went back to being excluded. Of course, this is another dimension of the dysfunction I've already described.
DM doesn't have the balls to address this bad attitude from DSis. I've tried to place boundaries and as a result been labelled "sensitive" or "angry".

DH has said he is more than happy stepping in now and speaking to DM. I'm going to leave it a few days and pray she comes to her own senses before I have to resort to DH having the awkward chat.