To step back from helping DM

[NeedaKitKat]

I'm really frustrated and have no one to offload or seek advice from.....I'll try not to waffle.

My DM is selling her house and relocating to my city. I've dealt with her house sale and as it's a private sale, I've also done the role of the estate agents, dealing with the buyers etc, as well as handling all the legal side of things. During this time I suffered a second trimester loss of our first child after many years of struggling to conceive. The sale has dragged on and I've followed it through to what will be completion very soon. Also arranged removals, storage etc.
At the same time I've been on endless property viewings in the last 5months to find her a home here. Had found one, but structural survey came back with major issues and we had to pull out. Waste of time and money. Was back on the hunt come January and last month found a property that was well below budget but needs work doing. DM is notoriously fussy and uncompromising with her expectations- not willing to downsize, wants a downstairs WC/shower room, wants a garage, a big kitchen etc. It's been really difficult in her budget.

DH has been amazingly helpful despite a very full on work schedule and has really given his all. He offered to manage the project whilst DM lives with us (as her house will have sold). DM was reassured and seemingly happy with this. Also, she almost expected to stay with us as if that should be a given, even though I offered to find her a rental. Anyway, she was shown the house online and street view because of lockdown etc. She agreed that with the renovation project she'll at least get all the things she wants in a house. So for last 6 weeks I've been engaged with solicitors, estate agent, builders and painters sorting things out with this purchase.

In the midst of all of this Ive been dealing with my own grief and was at the point of contemplating adoption and by some miracle I happen to find out I'm pregnant. It's been really tough managing my anxiety with this pregnancy but thankfully things are moving in the right direction. I've just hit my second trimester.

In the last few days I find that she's driven by the house with my DSis and had a look from the outside. She has now decided she doesn't like the look of the house and said the street was narrow and the area is "dirty". She doesn't know the area at all. I don't agree with any of her comments.

AIBU in simply backing off and not being involved in anything further to do with her house buy?

I feel belittled, my judgement undermined, and our time and effort unvalued. Now she'll be moving out in a few weeks with nowhere to buy and living at ours for ? amount of time. I'm feel let down and just simply used. We don't have the best of relationships as it is, it's taken a lot of maturity from me to let things go as she's my "mother" but it's getting harder and harder to convince myself of this.
Sorry about the long post.

Whilst it's not ideal, I think we did the best we could given she couldn't regularly attend all viewings. She has attended some viewings with me before lockdown and has a good idea about what to expect.

I'm as good as it gets in knowing what her needs and requirements are and whilst you wouldn't ever have anyone look for you when you're young, in you're 70s I think some parents trust their child enough to make that choice when they are unable to themselves.

She would have had a renovated house to her spec in a nice area without blowing the budget.

Please accept that she will never validate you. That is nothing to do with any failings on your part and is totally down to her. So trying to please her is just going to be a waste of time.

Even though you are a complete stranger, I am finding myself worrying about the stress this will cause you, having her to live with you at such an important time.

If you have to, use your DH as an excuse and say she can only live with you for x amount of time, I'd say four weeks maximum. Your sister shouldn't be getting involved in driving past the house and allowing her to flake like this, knowing what she is like, when you've done so much ground work. If she's so happy for her to pull out, SHE can have your mum live with her.

Use your DH as a buffer. He can protect you from her demands. I would do this for my husband, and your pregnancy is by far and away more important than your toxic relationship with your mother. Please look after yourself and put yourself first. There is absolutely NO WAY I would have these expectations of my children. It's not normal, unless she were v elderly, like in her 80s which doesn't sound like the case here.

X post

You say she is in her 70s

Any reason why she might not have been able to do this herself?

Don't indulge age excuses, you'll be doing her stuff for 20 years if you don't put your foot down.

Enough is enough. Tell "D"m she is not moving in with you and your sister can help her from now on.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Be selfish for once, take care of yourself and this baby. No more stress from your mother. She is a grown woman, as is your sister. They will manage.

My SIL was in a similar position with her DM at one point. Her DM was moving near to SIL's sister (her daughter and grandson) but wanted my DB, and particularly SIL to do all the support for looking for flats. Although my SIL lives over 90 mins away, she was not then working, so was happy to do this.

They eventually found two DM liked and that were suitable - both move-in ready, within walking distance of the daughter and on the bus route - and DM was proceeding with final decisions.

At this point, the other daughter found a bungalow that needed doing up, not on a bus route and further from her house. She took DM to see it and persuaded her it was cheaper, would be wonderful, they would do all the work etc.

My SIL said fine, your choice, but I don't agree and won't help you buy this house. You need somewhere to move into and live in now. You don't know anyone else in that area and have no means of getting to family's home or a food shop independently. My sister will help you.

And, hard as it was, she stepped back.

A month later DM saw the light and has been happily installed in a retirement flat round the corner from daughter's family. During lockdowns she has bubbled with them and the grandson has come round for lunch and to garden or watch TV with her every weekday.

Step back like everyone says. But importantly you need to not have her on an open ended stay. "As that house doesn't work, you need to find a rental to give you time to look. Suggest that you get a rental nearby and you and DS can go Look for houses as I need to focus on baby"

Walk away, tell her you have done your share, now she has changed her mind you can’t help anymore. Sell her house via an estate agents and your sister can help her now

Focus on you

Is it odd that both of them have decided to move to your city?

Her living in whilst renovations took place sounded reasonable, but now you need to find her a rental. She has chosen not to proceed with you house you felt, after extensive research, was the best for her so she has therefore changed the goalposts.
I would send her the listings of 3 or 4 rentals and say to her; "now that you've decided not to proceed with house you need to choose one of these rentals." Otherwise she might be living with you for years until the perfect house becomes available.

Over to you, sibling, your turn now! I’m the last person who would normally advise stepping away - I’d have moved heaven and earth for my parents - but it’s absolutely the right thing to do now. She needs to move out too.

Over to sibling, I think, if she's so totally helpless as to not be able to sort this out herself. And quite honestly, if she's not, she needs to be looking at sheltered accommodation and not moving in with you.
Honestly, I think she's manipulating you so that she'll end up staying with indefinitely.
Condolences on your loss and many congratulations on your pregnancy! You need to be looking after yourself and your baby now

YANBU OP. And don't let her live with you. Not only the stress of having her there, but the fact with her uncertainty about housing means she could be with you for a very long time - you've already been selling her house and looking for her for five months or more.

She's probably right in looking ahead for a downstairs loo/bedroom and even wet room in an age proofing way. It would be worth a lot even costing the renovations since are these are things in high demand.

Can you not speak to her and say you have spent five months on this and her pulling out just on a drive-by means you should leave it to her other DD who is also in the city? You've made a rod for your own back by the two of you being so obliging - but withdraw now before you end up with a baby and DM in the same house down the line.

In your shoes I'd put in the effort to find her a nice rental place, which will make it much easier to tell her she's not going to move in with you. Once she's living in the area she can find a place to buy at her own convenience. It sounds like your sister has been meddling here. I'd just not have anything to do with the sale or purchase anymore. Send her the details of some estate agents and let them deal with a difficult customer. If she needs a family opinion it's your sister's turn to put the work in. Blame your DH if you need to, but just do everything you can not to engage. Pregnancies bring out the worst in some people, don't let it bring you down at this time.

Honestly I think your mother is manipulating you because she wants to live with you indefinitely.
You say you are "the reliable one". Why is that? Have you even given your sister a chance to do anything and does your mother even want her to? Just asking because some mother's identify one child as their favourite (most easily able to be manipulated) and then they demonise the other to create divisions between the siblings so you're left with no one but her. (I've seen this happen to a friend)

Be aware that she may have isolated you purposely from your sister. Abusers do this. Take a step back and assess the facts.

There are professional house hunters out there. She can have help - just not unpaid from you.

Hand it all off to her. If she no longer wants the house, then she can inform the vendor and sort out the paperwork. 70s is not in her dotage.

I think you now need to be clear that you can no longer have DM moving in with you on an open-ended basis. So either DSis can help find a rental (if you really want to be helpful, attach a short list of options available or agents locally) or she can move in with DSis until she finds what she is looking for locally.

And land it back in your DSis's lap to deal with. As she has thrown you under a bus.

I think if you're going to find it difficult to hand responsibility back to her, you can use your pregnancy as a very genuine and valid reason. Not that you need a reason, but I suspect that you'll find it easier, given what look like awkward family dynamics.

Op, I’d find a way to say the following -

Mum, if you’re happy with input from DS I’m more than happy to let her take on the role of finding your new home. In fact, now that I’m expecting again it would be a weight of my mind and shoulders if she did jump on board.

Yep step back AND tell
Her she needs to go into a rental as with your baby on the way it's not appropriate for her to move in anyway when it would be open ended.

Also, she almost expected to stay with us as if that should be a given
⛳
There is no 'almost', she does expect to live with you and that has always been her goal here, she seeks power and control, she sees herself as the highest ranking person and she wants to have everyone beneath her doing her bidding.
Do not let her move in with you⚠️

Enough is enough. Tell "D"m she is not moving in with you and your sister can help her from now

The above sounds hostile and will only give the DS the chance to say that the OP had a tantrum because their mum changed their mind about a house chosen for her.

Far better to be gracious about handing it all over to DS whilst silently saying stuff that for a game of soldiers.

OP your mother planned to stay with you all along - it's why she's been fussy and why she's vetoing this house.

You've already done far too much - ideally I think you should consider some counselling to help you set boundaries for yourself and from stopping you bending over backwards for others. You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm - focus on your own little family, they're the priority.

Also consider the impact on your marriage if you're always putting your mother ahead of yourself, or if she comes and stays with you for an indefinite amount of time.

As everyone else said looking after yourself now needs to come first, you've been an amazing daughter helping her find a new house. I'd tell her Now you have backed out of the sale and with no planned date for moving into a new house it's sensible she rents. Send her some options for renting and then step back.

And I just feel a child playing "pretend", too silly for real life
this is her doing, she has deliberately subordinated you in order to keep herself in the alpha/head of the family position