Just found something brilliant from years ago for all the cruiser haters, written by the aptly named Major Pratt; it's a long read but rewards the effort
Try to control your blood pressure and please bear in mind this is satire ...
"My lady wife and I were on the Ventura transatlantic cruise from Barbados to Southampton. This was booked at the last minute when a suite became available with a huge on board credit. This brought the net cost down to around a hundred guineas a day, about one third of the cost of our Azura cruise last June. My lady wife and I would never travel with P&O except in a suite. This is essential to escape from the riff-raff to be found on their newest vessels. As this cruise was "cheap as chips", we could treat it as a little extra. Just like northerners having a cheap weekend in Blackpool and with a similar sort of clientele I suspect"
"So we went with the lowest possible expectations and I have to say they were fully met. The last time my lady wife and I flew to Barbados was on Concorde. For this budget trip we paid for the upgrade to the premium cabin on a Thomas Cook flight from Gatwick. Well, all I can say is if this was premium I am so glad we weren't stuck in the back of the plane with the poor folk. This was our first time on a charter aircraft. How novel. So many people crammed into such a small space. I cannot imagine why anyone would voluntarily subject themselves to such uncomfortable travelling arrangements more than once. Yet I understand that many working class types use such charter flights, year in and year out for their "package holidays". Even with the demise of Concorde, I do find British Airways Club Class a much more agreeable option. At least we didn't have the nightmare prospect of a return overnight flight hanging over us for the entire cruise"
"My lady wife and I were impressed by the ease of transfer direct from the aircraft to the quayside without customs or immigration formalities. A boneshaker of a bus, complete with eco-friendly "air conditioning" (all windows wide open), transported us to the ship without incident and we were aboard 56 minutes after landing. Not bad. The food on the plane was inedible so we were rather peckish. It was too late for lunch in the dining room so we made our one and only visit to the buffet. We were each handed a tray that had been heated to a temperature at which contact with human skin causes instantaneous blistering. The plates were equally hot and looked like they had been in use for about 30 years in an East End "greasy spoon". No salad was on display. When I queried this I was told that no salad is available during "afternoon tea". Oh well, that explained the chilli con carne and the curry, two afternoon tea essentials. Strangely neither was on offer when we took afternoon tea at The Savoy the day prior to the cruise. Whilst eating we noticed a sudden influx of passengers. It seems someone had spread a rumour that more Rum Babas had been put out. Apparently they don't put them on very often, as they are too popular"
"Our suite was almost identical to the one on Azura last June, but the balcony was larger and ideal for entertaining. Our butler fully complied with our instructions that I should be addressed as "Major" or "Sir" and my lady wife as "My Lady". He played his role well and was suitably reverential at all times. So much so that I actually seriously considered tipping him at the end of the cruise, especially as I intended to use him for a balcony dinner party. However after five days of doing nothing more than delivering miserable, unappetising canapés and lime slices (for my G&T's), I was having second thoughts. Finding guests of appropriate class to invite to dinner was also proving difficult, so we ditched the idea. As the butler had been trying rather hard to endear himself to us it seemed obvious he was angling for a tip. So I took the decision to dispense with his services and dismissed him. Thereafter the cabin boy was instructed to take on a few extra duties"
"In his introductory monologue, our butler had delivered a well-rehearsed script extolling the merits of having breakfast in the White Room. He said that such a wonderful dining experience in a London hotel would cost £80 per head. What nonsense. It would not even be worth that with free flow Dom Perignon. With hindsight I now realise his motive was to discourage us from requesting breakfast to be served by him on our balcony. Anyway we had already decided to have breakfast in the White Room for two reasons. Firstly, to avoid the brouhaha of the buffet. Secondly to avoid the main dining room where there is a serious risk of being foisted with the company of whinging Yorkshire folk wittering endlessly about how "it's nowt like t' good old days" and mind numbing anecdotes like "when we were on t'Canberra you got free ice cream served on t'deck every morning". The main benefits of taking breakfast in the White Room are the calm surroundings, attentive service and food freshly prepared to order"
"For the first half of the cruise the excellent weather allowed us to dine alfresco on the Terrace. The menu is pretty limited. The sausages were poor quality and it would appear they were the same cheap ones served in the main dining room. I decided to substitute the minute steak but would have much preferred a decent quality sausage. Having tried everything on the menu, the only dish that stood out was the toasted bagel with smoked salmon, poached egg and hollandaise sauce with caviar garnish. The smoked salmon was good quality but there was just far too much of it. Who would have thought it possible, too much smoked salmon! It was obvious that the very low prices for suites on this cruise had attracted an element that one would not normally expect to see in the White Room for breakfast. It was quite clear that they had no class but had pushed the boat out to get a taste of how the other half lives. One self-important fusspot lead the waiter a merry dance with detailed instructions on every possible facet of the breakfast preparation including the importance of synchronising the delivery of his hot toast with the main dish. When it arrived he used it to construct a bacon and egg sandwich! Fine dining? I think I know where he would have been more at home and the Marco Pierre White “Bacon and Egg McButty” was probably his next best alternative"
"On day one, we took the precaution of booking the White Room and East for six and four nights respectively. Just as well as the White Room was fully booked about half way through the cruise. This meant dining in Cinnamon only on formal nights when the menus tend to be less unappealing. In fact one real surprise was the Beef Wellington, which was actually rather nice and better than I have had in the Princess Grill on Cunard. The service in Cinnamon was rushed and very impersonal. The automatic gratuities were adjusted accordingly, and by adjusted I mean removed"
"Whoever was responsible for the acquisition of the deckchairs in the covered pool area should be put on a charge. One can only assume that they were extremely cheap because they are not fit for purpose. Time and again unsuspecting passengers were caught out. As they put weight on one end, the back would tip up and the passenger drop helplessly to the floor in a slapstick fashion. It would have been funny if it weren't for the numerous injuries sustained. (Watch out P&O, "where there's blame, there's a claim" and these passengers were the type who knew all their rights.) For those who did manage to manoeuvre themselves onto the deckchairs their reward was a metal bar strategically placed to maximise discomfort on the posterior. Perhaps it was an intentional ploy. No one could remain seated in such discomfort for any great time thus freeing up space more quickly for the waiting throng ready to pounce the moment a chair is vacated"
"As always a big part of our entertainment on such cruises is observing ordinary folk when crowded together in a confined space around the pool. It is such fun to watch their complete lack of deportment and their methods of communication, much of which is done through grunts and ape-like gesturing. This time we set ourselves a task of finding anyone who didn’t have at least one of the following: tattoos, lager, chips or vulgar jewellery. One point for each one spotted. Needless to say, only one hand was needed to tally the result"
"We had the misfortune to witness part of the final “sailaway party” in Tenerife. It was so embarrassing as to be excruciating. Let me paint the scene: two open decks by the pool crammed with passengers; “Agadoo” and “Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot” blasting through the distorting PA system; a group of Redcoat rejects prancing around on stage waving their arms in the air; a mob of scruffy tattooed drunks with a pint of lager in one hand and a Union Flag in the other, and that was just the women; a series of sing along songs, culminating in “Rule Britannia” and “Land of Hope and Glory”, that whips the mindless mass into a kind of xenophobic fervour. This is truly audience participation at it’s worst. Is this what cruising has come to?"
"Comparing Ventura to the Azura, the most noticeable difference was definitely the passenger profile. Now I thought Azura had more than its fair share of "Shameless" types but Ventura had about twice as many. I am talking here about around half of the passengers, more than enough to really lower the tone. Previously this type of passenger was deterred from cruising because of the thought of dressing for dinner. With only four formal nights and a buffet alternative, no one needs to worry about dress codes any more. P&O have done their best to encourage a sort of natural segregation. The plebs flock to The Exchange pub with its tacky décor and the lure of draught lager, sports video screens, a Karaoke system and one-arm bandits. The more discerning passengers gravitate to Metropolis or the Red Bar"
"The actual physical differences between the ships are mainly cosmetic. I did however prefer the glass-covered pool on Ventura to the Sea Screen. Whereas I preferred the Glass House on Azura to Ramblas, but then the Spanish know nothing about decent food. No wonder the dishes are so small - can't imagine anyone managing to eat much of that garlic-laden stodge. The Spanish should stick to what they do well - putting on bullfights, a wonderful sport of which they can be truly proud"
"Now we come to the thorny subject of tipping. I hate being told that certain tips are expected. These people should be paid a fair wage for their work. It's not my problem that they work ten hours a day, seven days a week for months on end to support their impoverished families. Tips of £40 per cruise soon mount up when you do four or five cruises a year. In any case this money is much better spent going towards a massage for my lady wife or a nice bottle of Champagne. Why should we cut back on life’s essentials to line the pockets of these people? It should be reward enough that they have the privilege of serving their betters and the chance to glimpse a lifestyle to which they can never aspire. For our next proper cruise my lady wife and I will probably return to Cunard. It's nice to be able to mix with others of similar class and outlook"