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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my XH to piss off

55 replies

TravellingSpoon · 03/03/2021 08:04

We have been seperated nearly 2 years, and in that time his contact with our 2 childre aged 14 and 12 has been sporadic. He has a new life and is very much all about that. He has tried very hard to get at me, and I have tried very hard to keep my cool (thanks to my amazing BF who doesnt mind me ranting at her about his dickish behaviour). The kids are fine becase they are used to him not being involved in family stuff, we did a lot of stuff on our own because if we waited for him to do something, we weould never do it, or it wouldnt be suitable - for example he wanted to do a trip to Poland and visit Auschwitz when the kids were younger; DD cant have been more than 7. When I suggested this was a bad idea, he got really angry and said that I always ruin everything. Our 14yo is severely autistic and he does not have any regard for his condition or wellbeing.

Anyway, every year for the last 10 years or so, I have taken the kids to a caravan park holiday for the last weekend of the summer holidays. XH never came, said it was too tacky and 'not his thing'. I always book when we come back from the alst one as you get a discount, he knows this. DS especially looks forward to it. Its marked on his calendar and its part of his build up back to school which can be a tricky time.

Yesterday got an email from XH to say that he wants to take the kids way that week. I responded saying that we are already going away that weekend, and he replied 'suppose you will have to cancel, I want that week and I never get to take them away'. This is true in part - he has never taken them away. I think in the last 6 months they have seen him twice (maybe three times for DD). We didnt see them over Christmas. I try and aid some kind of contact but as I say, he has his new life family now.

I want to tell him to piss off, mainly because of the effect it will have on DS, however a small part of me wants them to have a relationship with him.

YABU - Let them go with him
YANBU - Tell him to piss off.

OP posts:

Irishstout · 03/03/2021 08:09

I dont think you're being unreasonable. He can have any other week of the holidays.

Stick to that. It is booked and it cant be moved. If he doesnt have strict days/times/weeks for having them then he diesnt get to waltz in and demand.

Keep all correspondence about offering any other week and be firm.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/03/2021 08:10

Changing your holiday and routine will not bring about a relationship if he isn't willing to make the smallest effort to see his dc.

He can take them another week, if he won't it's because he doesn't want to.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/03/2021 08:10

Christ no. Absolutely not. There are 51 other weeks to choose from. Yours is booked, it's done.

user1493413286 · 03/03/2021 08:10

I wouldn’t let them miss out on your normal holiday, I’d also be worried that this is a bit of a power play and he won’t end up taking them away so your holiday will be cancelled and they still won’t get to go away

heart80s · 03/03/2021 08:11

Definitely tell him to piss off.

Molly333 · 03/03/2021 08:14

He doesn't get to dictate when he has them . Say no (as this is a routine you have created and your children need thos stability ) . He will probably throw his toys out of the pram but let him and carry on with your life as you have had to for sone tine. Stability is key here and vital for your children , he does not provide that !

He no doubt will threaten court then let him , your children's needs will be put first and they are now old enough to have a say.
Prepare for him to be angry and put your wall up, he's not your husband anymore so he can take his anger elsewhere . Good luck

Jobsharenightmare · 03/03/2021 08:14

Definitely not. He has every other week to choose from. He doesn't get to change your annual plan to suit him unless it especially benefits the children ie he was offered a once in a lifetime trip with them that for some reason had to be that week.

Sleepingdogs12 · 03/03/2021 08:14

I would say sorry our usual holiday is booked.

Thatwentbadly · 03/03/2021 08:15

Just tell him as he knows they have plans that weeks so he will have to use one of the 12 weeks of available school holidays.

I suspect it’s all to stay I wanted to take the children on holiday but my ex wife is stopping me and it’s all her fault. I’m a good Dad narrative he will be peddling to himself and others.

Dunkindonuts8 · 03/03/2021 08:16

Offer him the other 5 weeks of the holiday. Is it more likely that he has already booked something with his 'new' family and it's easier for him to have your 2 tag along rather than have to do some proper parenting on his own? X

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2021 08:22

Don't reply. You've told him they aren't available that week. No need to do any more.

And don't let him take them at the start of the week with promises he'll have them back in time- obviously he won't.

Chloemol · 03/03/2021 08:25

You booked it already, you always go away that weekend, he can rebook. The question really is do the kids want to go away with him? At that age they should be able to make their own minds up

I would be telling him he needs to book another week, but ask the kids if they want to go on holiday with him first

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/03/2021 08:26

Can you move it without losing money? If you can move it then perhaps I’d do that as a test, as I’m not convinced from what you’ve said that he won’t let them down anyway and I’d want to look as though I’d done everything I could do be amenable.

If you can’t move it without losing money then don’t. Or if there’s a fee ask him to pay it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/03/2021 08:28

"I'm not cancelling. Choose another week"

Tangohead · 03/03/2021 08:35

He’s deliberately being a twat. Don’t back down or he will cause more problems. His holiday might not even happen as he’s lying to stir trouble.

BendingSpoons · 03/03/2021 08:35

You have ONE weekend unavailable, he WANTS that one week, ridiculous. He will have to find another time to take them or if he doesn't he clearly wasn't that bothered. Don't deal with the inconvenience and cost to you because he insists you cancel.

InkieNecro · 03/03/2021 08:36

No, he wants to be the victim.

'As per our usual routine for the last ten years, we are going away that week and this was booked last year, as usual. I am prepared to be flexible and offer you any of the other holiday weeks and will amend our plans for those weeks accordingly.'

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/03/2021 08:36

I’d also say no. They have a break booked but are free any other time.

Keep it factual and short so not justify with ‘but we always go away that week’

Shelby2010 · 03/03/2021 08:42

Changing it is not in your kids best interest. If he was serious about improving his relationship with them then he wouldn’t even be asking.

DimidDavilby · 03/03/2021 08:44

Not a fuckin chance

YoniAndGuy · 03/03/2021 08:44

‘Your request is very odd- as you know very well, it’s been the pattern for the last decade that I take the children for a holiday for that last week before school. Sadly, of course you have never wanted to join us although the children would have loved you to. We would all love to see you genuinely want to enjoy time away with the children at last. I’m not even going to tell them about your spiteful proposal that you’ll only do this if we cancel the traditional holiday we always have so that you can take that week only. I’m sure it would hurt them dreadfully to see that level of selfishness and spite. I’d love you to spend holiday time with them and reiterate that any other week of the holiday will be freely available for you to take them.’

By email, for the record.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 03/03/2021 08:47

Does he work in a job where he doesnt have much choice in holiday (eg he has an allocated week and cant change it)? Woul you be able to change the weekend without losing money? I expect these answers are no and no, and so then I wouldn't change. If its yes and yes, maybe I would think again

dancemom · 03/03/2021 08:50

"No I'm not cancelling, it's been booked for 7 months. We have no other plans for the summer though so you can have them any other week. Let me know."

Done.

BumBurnerBum · 03/03/2021 08:57

Ugh. This is exactly the kind of shit my ex pulls. It is either because he's banking on you saying no and he can tell everyone you are not letting him take them away, or (as in my case) he gets a twisted pleasure from causing you anxiety.

Longdistance · 03/03/2021 08:59

Ds was looking forward to this break too. He’s old enough to say. Your dd is old enough too at 14 (I hope I got that the right way round?).
It’s already booked so he can go swivel.

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