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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my XH to piss off

55 replies

TravellingSpoon · 03/03/2021 08:04

We have been seperated nearly 2 years, and in that time his contact with our 2 childre aged 14 and 12 has been sporadic. He has a new life and is very much all about that. He has tried very hard to get at me, and I have tried very hard to keep my cool (thanks to my amazing BF who doesnt mind me ranting at her about his dickish behaviour). The kids are fine becase they are used to him not being involved in family stuff, we did a lot of stuff on our own because if we waited for him to do something, we weould never do it, or it wouldnt be suitable - for example he wanted to do a trip to Poland and visit Auschwitz when the kids were younger; DD cant have been more than 7. When I suggested this was a bad idea, he got really angry and said that I always ruin everything. Our 14yo is severely autistic and he does not have any regard for his condition or wellbeing.

Anyway, every year for the last 10 years or so, I have taken the kids to a caravan park holiday for the last weekend of the summer holidays. XH never came, said it was too tacky and 'not his thing'. I always book when we come back from the alst one as you get a discount, he knows this. DS especially looks forward to it. Its marked on his calendar and its part of his build up back to school which can be a tricky time.

Yesterday got an email from XH to say that he wants to take the kids way that week. I responded saying that we are already going away that weekend, and he replied 'suppose you will have to cancel, I want that week and I never get to take them away'. This is true in part - he has never taken them away. I think in the last 6 months they have seen him twice (maybe three times for DD). We didnt see them over Christmas. I try and aid some kind of contact but as I say, he has his new life family now.

I want to tell him to piss off, mainly because of the effect it will have on DS, however a small part of me wants them to have a relationship with him.

YABU - Let them go with him
YANBU - Tell him to piss off.

OP posts:

Nith · 03/03/2021 09:04

I think you need to get it on record, in writing, that, as he knows, this is part of your DS's routine, and as he also knows changing his routine - particularly at times of stress like the start of the new school year - will cause major problems for him. You need to emphasise that he knows this, because if he does take it to court you need it to be obvious that he is ignoring your son's wellbeing. Then go on to say he can choose any other week in the school holidays, and ask him which one he wants.

HexWitch · 03/03/2021 09:07

Not a chance. Holiday has been booked well in advance and he knows it's your routine. I wouldn't even respond again tbh. You've said no and explained why.

Gliblet · 03/03/2021 09:08

YANBU, and if you don't actually want to reply with a simple 'no' then it would be perfectly reasonable to point out the simple fact that him choosing not to engage with family holidays or arrange his own with his children is not the same as him 'never getting the chance'. He has plenty of chances to book a holiday with his children that doesn't ruin their existing plans.

THEIR plans, not just yours.

Dogscanteatonions · 03/03/2021 09:10

Absolutely not, your holiday is already booked - not only that but it's a set week you've gone away for a number of years. If he threatens court he's not going to stand a chance. I'd also but change it for fear he might pull out of his holiday anyway - he doesn't sound reliable.

It certainly sounds like a way of trying to control you - I have an exh exactly like that. It infuriates them when they don't get their own way.

Dogscanteatonions · 03/03/2021 09:13

Also - in the last 6 months he's seen them twice? Yeah if that's his level of parenting and he can fuck right off he doesn't get to call the shots. Given how uninvolved he is it's even more important that you provide stability and routine because you're the parent they can rely on.

BashfulClam · 03/03/2021 09:16

Sorry we already have plans. Let me know what other dates you can do.

funinthesun19 · 03/03/2021 09:16

YANBU. Tell him to piss off!

You do the bulk of the parenting so in my opinion you should get first dibs on whatever week you want.
You got in there first with that week regardless of how much parenting he does.
Your ds enjoys the routine of going with you so I think your ex would be a dick to choose that week just to awkward.
Your ex has lots of other weeks to choose from. I don’t know what his problem is.

SionnachGlic · 03/03/2021 09:17

Don't change your holiday plan for him & most especially when he knows it is an annual thing & your DS so looks forward to it. He can pick another week...what an arse he is. I had to deal with one of these for years...if it wasn't to get his own way, it was to engage me in an argument...juat to engage me. Don't argue, just breezily say 'No, it doesn't suit, I've booked something since last August. You can take them on hols X, Y or Z week but hurry up & choose as otherwise we'll be making our own arrangements which I won't be undoing last min'. Stick to your guns OP...look forward to your lovely weekend. Its up to him to forge a relationship with his kids. You can support but you don't have to dance to his tune!

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 09:20

At that age jist ask the kids what they prefer. Don’t try to manipulate them. Tell them you’re both happy either way, it should be their decision, they are not infants.

madmara · 03/03/2021 09:29

No, not a chance would I cancel the holiday.

Did he actually use the term "never get to take them away"? Because that indicates he isn't allowed to take them rather than just being a selfish arse who can't be bothered with them except for when it is a chance to control your life. So on the basis of his terminology alone, he'd be getting a short "No" and I wouldn't engage any further about it.

RedMarauder · 03/03/2021 09:36

Don't tell him to piss off.

If you feel you need to reply make it clear in email that:

Your joint children are 12 and 14 years old so have input in to the activities they want to do.
They are not available that weekend to spend time with him as they are going on holiday elsewhere in the UK
Give him a list of other dates the children are available. Then say you will encourage them to see him on any of those dates if he makes firm plans.

If he tries to escalate it to Court he will find that he can't force a neurotypical 14 year old to see him when he wants, and similar for a neurotypical and articulate 12 year old.

HexWitch · 03/03/2021 09:55

@Bluntness100

At that age jist ask the kids what they prefer. Don’t try to manipulate them. Tell them you’re both happy either way, it should be their decision, they are not infants.

What a bizarre comment.

Bibidy · 03/03/2021 09:58

This is frustrating but sounds like he's done it on purpose to cause an issue for you.

If you can do so without incurring cost, I'd switch your stay to the weekend before and call his bluff. Chances are he's not going to take them anywhere at all.

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 10:00

At 12 +14 my dc went nc with exh.. And he had had them much more than me thanks to his manipulation and bullying. Of the dc and me..
They saw him for what he was. An utter utter twat..
Stick to the holiday op... He really has nothing positive to add to their lives does he?

billy1966 · 03/03/2021 10:03

The children love the tradition of going that week every year, and it's booked.

He can pick another week.
End of.

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 10:05

If need be ask the place to confirm via email you have been on those dates regularly if things go further - ie a solicitor..
Not that you should have to..

MumW · 03/03/2021 10:06

YDNBU. The answer is, "No, it's been booked since last year, you can have any other week in the summer. You are perfectly aware I've always taken the DC to the caravan that weekend, you you'll have to pick another time."
What do the DC want?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/03/2021 10:13

Yanbu - he can have any other week!

I would reply very succinctly but in terms such as “As mentioned, that weekend away is already booked. Please let me know which other week you would like to take them away. As you know, this is part of DS’ routine, which is very important to him.”

And make sure you don’t offer the week immediately leading up to your trip as you’ll be worrying constantly that he won’t bring them back.

This is the kind of thing I’d get from my ex - not engaging with plans in advance and then trying to pick the one weeekend / week/ whatever that isn’t convenient.

frazzledasarock · 03/03/2021 10:19

If you cancel and he lets them down last minute (which is very likely given his involvement with his older DC), you'll be left dealing with the fallout and a very upset DC who's routine and coping mechanism has been removed.

Has he booked his holiday even? Tell him he has anytime between mid June till mid August to book his holiday with the DC. Why is he picking the one week he knows you and DC go away?

I'd be so tempted to say yes, and just take DC to their normal holiday with you.

Don't cancel anything.

Brainwave89 · 03/03/2021 10:20

Sounds like a fairly basic power play. Do not get cross, just state really clearly he is welcome and encouraged to take them away any other week, but he cannot do this one. He will get cross (like a small child), stamp his feet, say something along the lines of I will, I will, I will. Just keep saying absolutely...but not this week.

Scarlettpixie · 03/03/2021 10:21

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

"I'm not cancelling. Choose another week"

This is all you need to say.

cherrybun02 · 03/03/2021 10:24

yanbu.

if he knows this has been yours and the kids routine for the past however long, it would suggest he wants that last week to be deliberately annoying. like PP I would keep it simple and to the point.

I'm not able to cancel, there are plenty of other weeks in the school holidays you can choose from.

and that really is it. dont allow him to make you feel bad though and cancel your weekend that you all look forward to.

FOJN · 03/03/2021 10:38

If you cancel you will be telling him he can manipulate you and this kind of nonsense will continue.

I never get to take them away Here is framing himself as some kind of victim, they are 12 and 14 he's had plenty of opportunity to take them away and also to join you when you took them away but has chosen not to.

I would reply that the holiday is booked you will not be changing it but the other 5 weeks of the holidays are free, could he let you know which week he would like. I would also pre-empt him laying claim to that week for next year before you have had a chance to book it and tell him you plan to maintain the family tradition of this holiday in future years.

Dogman · 03/03/2021 10:45

100% of the near 360 people who voted to date think you’re Ex is a bit of an arse.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 03/03/2021 11:02

EX "I never get to take them away"
OP "Suppose that's because you have seen them twice in the last six months and neither would be able to pick you out of a line up"

What an arse he is.

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