Can big pay differences in a relationship work?

[Maryyyy]

Been with boyfriend 2 years.
He has got a new job and is on £300 a day and works away a lot. But he has always been on a good wage before this.
My wage varies but on average around £300 a week, on a good week i make £500.
With covid, my business has slowed down a lot and I am scraping £200-250 a week;

I've just suddenly become anxious tonight that he earns in a day what i make in a week; we're 26 and i feel worried he'll grow to find my pay a turnoff compared to his.

In reality once you have children and a blended life it makes no difference whatsoever. I imagine it must feel like a big divide at the moment though.

I think it's only me that feels the divide; I just dont see how I will ever catch up to him money wise

I guess this must really depend on the people. IMO if you love each other and make each other happy who earns most really shouldn't matter.

I feel like that a bit, DP is on 55k and I’m on 23k it means he pays for any extravagant purchases, big car repair bills or anything like that.

I can only hope that I can reduce the gap in a year or two.

Well I never felt it. I used to be on 18k and DP was on 80! But it must depend on the relationship and whether you feel judged or not.

My boyfriend supported me financially for years when I was a TA and earning a shit wage. The way he did it without ever making me feel bad or guilty is something I will never forget. He made a time that could have been so stressful actually enjoyable.
I do think it can work. I love to treat him now I earn a decent salary!

My husband earns around 60k and I work on the checkout at Tesco. No problems.

To be honest it probably makes things easier in the long run - it’s easy for say one person to stop/reduce work for a while to look after children if the other person earns so much more and the effect on family finances would be negligible.

Of course it doesn’t mean you should have to, or that it would always be the woman, but it does make it easier practically than if you each earn the same and if either of you gave up work your family income would be halved.

I guess this must really depend on the people. IMO if you love each other and make each other happy who earns most really shouldn't matter.

This ^

We've gone through different stages in the decades we've been together, sometimes when I was overwhelming "richer" than dh, and times when he would be overwhelmingly richer than me but as others have said, if you are right for each other, and particularly once dc come along, it is family money anyway - it is quite different from starting to date.

I earn 43,000 and my DH earns 165,000.

There was a spell where I earned 19,000 and he earned 130,000 but it never mattered. We shared money from when we got engaged 8 years ago and he never made me feel inferior about my smaller salary. The big difference meant that two mat leaves were more easily managed from a financial point of view.

@mummyof2lou

In reality once you have children and a blended life it makes no difference whatsoever. I imagine it must feel like a big divide at the moment though.

This.

I'm not sure about it not making much difference after reading some shocking threads about financial abuse lately.

You both have to be working at progressing together for it to work. Once you are a firmer family unit, all money becomes family money. You prop each other up, and even a small wage will have its happy place.

I think it depends entirely on the couple. I earn double what dh does 60k to 30 k, but it's never been an issue.

I agree with @JayDot500. If I was in your DP's position (and I have been) how I felt about it would depend on the attitude of my partner. If they were lazy, unambitious and not living up to their potential because of laziness, that would put me off. Just earning less in and of itself, even substantially less, does not bother me at all.

We have significantly different earned incomes. We’re married so it’s all shared money.
When I worked part-time, it was good to feel I had earned a little to spend privately, for presents, gifts etc for my husband. Before children p, I was the higher earner but then he took his career more seriously to ensure he could provide for us all

It depends on you as a couple. I’m a solicitor and my husband is a police officer. At the moment I just over double his income. My scope for earning is far higher.
Our money is blended although we still keep separate accounts as well.
I’d rather enjoy our relationship than worry about who pays for what!

It worked out well for us.

My salary was almost negligible compared to dh when we got married. All the income was combined, and it wasn't ever an issue. When we eventually started our family, it actually made the decision to leave my job so much easier. Dh is happy that he can provide financially and leave me to deal with the other stuff.....especially now that I have had to homeschool

Now our eldest is about to start high school, I am re-training. The plan is that I can increase my earning potential when I go back to work and dh can drop down to 3 days per week.

Sounds like it is maybe a conversation you should have with dp? We did marriage prep before we got married, one of the questions was how we felt about the financial responsibilitiesand it was helpful to talk about it from the beginning.

Thanks everybody! You've all made me feel so much better; Reading your comments has made my anxiety die down :)

We got together young so had no assets to bring to the marriage. DH supported me whilst I finished university and then when I graduated I earned more. I used to work crazy hours and he’d pick up a bit more slack at home.

We have always paid both salaries into the joint account. We had planned to sort it so we had equal personal spends but never got round to it and now just spend out of the joint account as well. We each have savings in our own names and credit cards.

I now earn around 50k for 4 days a week and DH earns around 16k for 3 days a week which means DS only needs 2 days in childcare.

I’ve always been happy sharing and would have felt really weird if I could afford treats and DH couldn’t. But we have similar attitudes to money and similar tastes. Appreciate this approach wouldn’t work for everyone.

It's not the money that causes problems. It could be resentment, envy, anger etc but not the money itself.

DH is a very high earner, I don't work. Our finances are joint, we don't have seperate spending accounts our bills are paid, money is put into savings and what's left gets spent as and when we want it. It works for us because DH loves his job and I don't need to work. But if he hated his job and I just didn't want to work I'd imagine it would cause issues.

It doesn't make a difference in ours. I earn 13k a year and my DH earns 80k. I'm the one who looks after our children during the week then goes out to work on the weekend. He's never made me feel like crap for not earning that much. We have never had to pay childcare either, so it works out really well.

Agree, it doesn’t have to be a problem at all. If you are happy together that’s what matters. And if you get married / have children you share everything anyway.

Doesn't make a difference in the right relationship.

My DH has always earned x3 to me.

He's never made me feel any way about it.

We are married now. Still the same.

It's fine if the man earns ££££ and the woman earns £ as per all the examples on this thread.

I would imagine however that if you were the high earner and he earned much less people would be telling you to be cautious, beware of the cocklodger etc.

Rightly or wrongly.