Can big pay differences in a relationship work?

[Maryyyy]

Been with boyfriend 2 years.
He has got a new job and is on £300 a day and works away a lot. But he has always been on a good wage before this.
My wage varies but on average around £300 a week, on a good week i make £500.
With covid, my business has slowed down a lot and I am scraping £200-250 a week;

I've just suddenly become anxious tonight that he earns in a day what i make in a week; we're 26 and i feel worried he'll grow to find my pay a turnoff compared to his.

Of course it can. When we met, my husband’s salary was 10x mine. I put in what was proportionate. Now, 32 years in he earns all of the money, I don’t work for various reasons.
He frequently tells the kids he couldn’t afford me if he had to pay for everything I do 😁

I think the paranoia set in when i realised I probably wasnt even earning mkre than 18k.
We both do have different concepts of money. For example, he thinks earning £1000 a week isn't a lot, whereas I think £400 a week is loads;
He's never made me feel bad about it though; just my own insecurities

@THisbackwithavengeance is that not only the case if the partner is point blank refusing to work when the other partner wants them to?
It just happened boyfriend had a high wage, my previous ex wasn't well off, but he was a hard-working joiner and I still loved him; it'd be different if he was not working and just smoking weed all day or whatever

Plenty of women on this thread have said they are the main earner, and plenty have not

DH is a high earner and I'm a SAHM. we are very happy and everything is family money.

I'm earning 3 x my husbands salary, it's household money, he earns less but is more available for things like childcare as his hours are less erratic. The more money that comes in the more we both have to spend and save. When married/in a committed relationship that's how it should be.

DH and I earned very similar salaries when we first met. His has only increased whereas mine has more than halved since I became self employed. We pooled all finances when we got engaged and have always viewed all money as 'our' money. It doesn't matter what we individually contribute.

Doesn’t make a jot of difference to us. I earn £33k a year whereas DP earns £50k a year. He often treats me to extravagant trips (well he pays for half of the flight or pays extra for the hotel we are staying in). He has never made me feel inferior to him. So no I don’t think it’s a problem.

My DP is currently supporting us financially while I have my own fledgling business. He's very generous about paying for meals out (when we're allowed) and takeaways and if I needed something I couldn't afford he would pay for it. Anything I want comes out of my savings - he covers everything we need. It's not been a problem so far but then I try not to take the mick

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4179716-To-ask-how-you-get-over-resentment-at-being-the-higher-earning-partner

For me it would depend on my partners ambition rather than what they earn at the time. I wouldn’t care if he was on £15k as long as he was ambitious and wanted to climb the career ladder.

The money is not the problem but peoples relationship towards the money. Everyone have a different relationship towards money and it can have an effect. The higher earners can be resentful for having to contribute more. The lower earner can feel resentful for not having more money even if they work as hard. Higher earner can be happy to have everything joint, lower earner might feel that they dont deserve it etc.

I wouldn't say that it is not an issue since it really depends on your personality and your attitude towards money. Tons of people it is not a problem but similarly tons of people have broken up because of it.

It really is individual. You’ve not mentioned if you’re living together or have any plans for the future re mortgages, marriage, kids etc.?

I found it was really difficult being a very low earner in a casual living apart relationship with a higher earner, nice guy but he had no concept of the stress I was under trying to stay afloat. One day I mentioned I was exhausted and he asked why I didn’t quit one of my jobs or drop some hours. He didn’t get that I wasn’t working my fingers to the bone for savings or a cushion, it was purely to scrape by.

When I met DH I was earning alright and he was a student, by the time we were TTC we were both earning about equal, but in the not so distant future he’ll be out earning me by at least 50%, possibly doubling my wage. It’s not an issue as I’m still earning well, though if I was on min wage and he was on a great salary I suspect over time it would lead to issues as my lower salary would be curtailing our options and financial stability. We share all money but it would feel strange imo if one of us was on a high wage while the other was on the bare minimum. Not because we’re not a team or anything, it would just feel like a big disparity for two people building a life for one to be contributing so much less financially.

But of course it depends on your circumstances. If the lower earner takes on the bulk of childcare then they’re working at that despite it being unpaid. Running a house is work. No matter what, if you plan on children make sure you’re married first and that you always have access to the household money. I was and am happy to go part time after having a child because I was at the top of my career while DH was only getting started (age difference) but I would never have agreed to stop working full time had we not been married.

Only you know whether it’s an issue, you should always feel able to talk about money openly and make sure you’re on the same page. If I were the higher earner I would insist on DH having the same amount of spending money and money in savings as me, and I expect and have the same the other way around. Once you’re married there should be no ‘mine and yours’, it’s all ‘ours’, but problems can arise if there’s the perception that the lower earner isn’t working as hard or isn’t as ambitious or is just coasting having a nice lifestyle because of the higher earner’s efforts, I’ve seen that a lot.

There’s also what you’re doing for work to take into account, if you’ve chosen a profession and it’s not super well paid but you’re working hard at it that’s different imo to being content working in retail for example for your whole life (chosen as an example as that’s something I did for a decade), some would be perfectly fine with that but some value ambition and drive and I value those qualities in a partner. I guess that’s the crux of it: if one partner is highly ambitious and driven then it can cause problems if they feel the other isn’t, but that’s on them not to choose a partner who isn’t those things.

To us the actual figures don't matter, it's the attitude in the relationship and for me that can be broken down into parts:

1. attitude to work. Both of us work hard in our jobs, and both of us respect and support the work that the other does and what it contributes, regardless of what it brings home money-wise. We recognise that the work is valuable to the individual, the couple and society on a greater level than just income.

2. attitude to money. We have always shared everything from the very start, never had his and hers money or splitting of bills. We share a life and a home and a future, and that includes money. It helps that we have very similar attitudes to spending and what constitutes good value for money, treats etc.

That is what has helped us manage a wildly different income. For the last 5 years DH has earned 10x what I do and although at times I've worried about it, the above factors have helped me manage that anxiety.

I think it depends. I think you both need to have the same work ethic etc. I'm the type of person that's really ambitious, always looking for promotion, currently studying for more qualifications etc so if I was with someone earning minimum wage at the bottom somewhere with no desire to improve on that I think I'd be uncomfortable with that.

@Racoonworld

For me it would depend on my partners ambition rather than what they earn at the time. I wouldn’t care if he was on £15k as long as he was ambitious and wanted to climb the career ladder.

You said what I wanted to so much more succinctly 🤣

This is it ^ even when I was a very low earner I was still always volunteering, taking free night and online classes, planning for further education, working multiple jobs, trying to strive to get a better job or useful qualifications to take the next step. As I was really unhappy working in a low wage job that I wasn’t interested in. It was very hard and took a superhuman amount of effort and time (I also have health issues that make it extremely difficult) and sacrifice, but it was just something I knew I needed to do, and it paid off. Managed to quadruple my income from 24 to 29 (a lot of the groundwork done before those ages too), I knew I wanted kids and wouldn’t consider them until I had a career and financial security.

Having been through that and achieved where I am today (which by MN standards is probably very lowly, I’m on £40k which is absolute riches where I’m from but I know others sneer at) in a career I love making a difference earning plenty, I wouldn’t be happy settling down with and committing to someone earning minimum wage in a shop with no plans or evidence they’re pushing themselves to more. I know that sounds bad, I have absolute respect for all work, all work has dignity and I’ve done most jobs there are going proudly. I don’t judge anyone for what they do for work. But in terms of my own life and wanting a family and to build a future, I expect at least what I’ve achieved from a partner. I don’t want to struggle anymore or have my kids suffer growing up without enough money or be the only one carrying the family financially.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. My mum always used to say don’t marry the poor starving artist, the love will be killed by the struggle to survive, marry someone successful. And I used to laugh as a teen and say ha, of course I’ll marry for love, I don’t care what he does. And then after a string of dating guys with no ambition... I saw her point tbh. And chose very carefully when I ended up in a position to date with marriage and kids in mind. I’ve never loved anyone more and I’m so happy with him but I wouldn’t have gotten serious with someone without ambition and drive, not in my late twenties. That’s too old to mess around imo for me wanting kids.

Women are shamed all the time for making conscious decisions to want children with someone who can easily provide for them, but it’s just smart.

It did cause issues in my relationship (eventually failed). I was on low six figures, and ex-H, while qualified to earn similar, entered a soul-searching phase where he took on various volunteering and artsy projects, earning £200-£300 a month.
I did start to resent him as I was the only one paying for mortgage, childcare (he had a change of heart when I was pregnant with our second and the first was not yet 1), house help, running around and working 12 hour days. But I think had he taken on the full SAHP role, I probably would be OK with it. It probably wasn't the difference in income as such, more the attitude.

In reality once you have children and a blended life it makes no difference whatsoever. I imagine it must feel like a big divide at the moment though

Haven't you read the many threads on here from women who have children and no money while their co-parents keeps as much of his money to himself? Women who can't buy anything they need while their partners have expensive hobbies and designer watches?

It only won't matter if they make it not matter, its not automatic!

@THisbackwithavengeance that’s not the case in my situation. I am the wife and earn over double what my husband earns.
When we met I was in the early stages of my career so earned much less but he knows I am ambitious and my scope for earning more has always been higher as he is public sector.
To us, it’s family money. We both have some to spend as we want and we talk about the big stuff like holidays, house improvements.

I think it can be a bit if an issue at the beginning of a relationship. When one of you wants to go somewhere and the other can't afford to keep up with the higher earners lifestyle. Long term it sorts itself out as finances and bills get lumped together more.

However in some relationships, money has a direct relationship with power and autonomy so be wary if those alarm bells start ringing. Also be proud of what you do and earn. Just because it's less monetarily doesn't mean your work/ career isn't any less valid.

no difference here, i earn 5 figures - husband earns 6 figures. When i met him, i was earning 4. We have different accounts and he usually pays for most things, kids schools/mortgage etc. I pay for bills/shopping/fun stuff for kids. As long as there's no resentment, its fine. A similar friend earns 5 while her husband earns 7 figures, again, no difference.

I've never made more than half of what dh makes, we've bene married 20 years.

But - we've always treated it like a partnership rather than a co-habiting situation. I think that makes a difference.

My new partner chose me out of all the women in the country. He's a 30 year old with a 29k salary and no kids. I'm a 30 year old with a 13k salary and 1 kid from a previous relationship. I don't think I'm that great a catch but he's happy and I'm happy and that's all that matters at the end of the day.

My parents come from a generation where my mum made no money and was the SAHP. All of the financial pressure fell onto my dad.

It's completely unrealistic to expect your partner to earn the exact same wage as you, who knows how small you're making your dating pool

Course it can work if you're in the right relationship. DP used to earn a lot more than me and now I earn a lot more than him, noticed no difference in our relationship either way...our main focus is just on being happy at home and at work.

Large discrepancy here (DH higher earner). He has never made any comment about him wanting me to earn more ( that I can remember now) .

@MyDogCalledMax - I used to earn more than my XH as well. I earn the same as my current DH. But on MN the default is that man earns ££££ and the DW earns much less.