If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

[user1497207191]

We have a lovely 19 year old DS. Not had any problems at all. We've led by example from the day he was born. He's never seen us arguing or rowing or banging doors, etc.

Ours is a "calm" house whatever is going on. We've treated him as an "adult" from when he could first walk and talk, always included him in our family/home/holiday conversations and planning, even when he was so small he had nothing tangible to add.

When he's done anything "wrong" in our eyes, we don't hit out or blow up at him - everything we do and how we react is carefully considered. When he was playing Club Penguin online when he was around 8/9 years old, I looked over his shoulder and saw he'd used a pretty nasty saying (slangy/obscene) on the game - there's no way he had the faintest idea what it meant - he'd just seen someone else use it and was copying it. We had "the conversation" the next day about what was and wasn't acceptable re swear words/obscenities etc and yes, he hadn't a clue he shouldn't have used it, and to this day, 10 years on, he's never used even a modest obscene/swear word in our presence (pretty sure he'll say things when with his friends now, but he knows not to do it in front of us or our family).

Yes, too, re gaming etc. We gave him notice it's time to stop, to finish the game he's in. If it was a long game, he'd tell us, and that's fine. No tantrums or arguments or us pulling the plug out mid game.

We also manage his expectations. When it comes to Christmas and Birthday, sometimes he gets something big/expensive, other times it's just a few token gifts. All depends on what he needs at the time. We discuss it with him. We'd never "surprise" him with a new Xbox - he'd be part of the discussion process, from months ahead, considering what he needed etc and it would all be planned. Of course, they'd be surprises too, but they'd be smaller and less critical.

[HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime]

I think parents who don't have to do anything are those that have laid the ground work since toddlerhood.

As everyone else has said model good behaviour, model how to apologise, model kindness.

Set clear expectations, telling someone to be 'good' is subjective. What is the good behaviour that you want? Whenever we got to a venue whether it was a park, shop, train station etc I would remind Dd of my expectation s for good behaviour - Good at the park meant she could run around but must stay between X, Y and Z trees etc, whereas being good in the shop meant using a quiet voice, staying close by and not hiding under clothes rails. Expectations as a teen might be no swearing, all plates and cups removed from their bedroom everyday.

I've never shouted at Dd, never really 'told her off' we have always focused on the consequences of her poor decisions and what she could do next time.

I teach at a secondary school and the teens without boundaries crave them, they need to know what is and isn't acceptable and they need to know the consequences of their actions and they need reminding often - things you think they should 'know' alot of them don't or have forgotten and this is particularly relevant for children who have working memory, processing, impulse control difficulties.

[MeredithGreysScalpel]

I’ve been a fairly strict parent, and that seems to be allowing me to ease off a little now that they’re into their teens. They know where the boundaries are, and what I will
And won’t tolerate. I’ve always had very high expectations, in terms of behaviour and also pulling their weight around the house. They know that we all contribute, they understand about hard work and the value of money (as much as any child ever can).

Also, a big one for me was learning to admit when I had made a mistake with them. If I’ve overreacted, yelled when I shouldn’t have, taken my mood out on them... I’ve learned to apologise. They seem to always appreciate me admitting to being a human who makes mistakes, and they are also now much better at owning up to their mistakes.

[MrMahoneysPants]

OP I think also remember that this has been a shit year for all of us. I'm far more arsey that normal Don't feel like you're doing something wrong , tips are always good to have but the poster here raised their teens prior to the shit hitting the fan spectacularly. So son't assume you won't be in a better postion yourself in 5 years.

[Fyzz]

When they were around 3/4 I was struggling, avoidance and distraction was no longer working. A very good friend said to me that I needed to re-think my approach because if you can't manage a 4 year old then it only gets harder when they are 8, 12 or 15.
I became much stricter and always followed through. Usually a warning followed by withdrawal of privileges. I would say once they got to around 7 or 8 was the last time I ever had to invoke penalties or punishments.

Also agree with others that as teenagers you must pick your battles and a messy room is not the hill to die on.
They are now in their 20s.

[JesusAteMyHamster]

My brother's dd has always been a really nice kid and is a really nice adult.

She has two, very laid back (( divorced )) parents who have never really needed to discipline. She's been raised with a strong respect for boundaries and an expectation to do the right thing. No pressure regarding school work other than being shown of you want someone you have to work for it.

I think it's a recipe that can't go far long and wish I'd been a lot less shouty when my dc were young

[Fyzz]

One other thing. As they reach teens they sometimes ask for freedoms you don't want to give. Can I go to town, can I go to a party. I made a point of never saying yes or no straight away but agreeing to think about it. That was a very useful tactic.

[comfyslippets]

Exactly what @user5768 said. I've always been firm, went through with punishments when they were younger etc, but am extremely laid back. I've always trusted them unless they give me reason not to and have always made sure they know that I'll never be angry with them if they tell me the truth. We have a lot of fun times together and they respect me the way I respect them because of all that. They're never rude to me and the odd occasion that they have been they will apologise and cuddle me practically straight away.

[comfyslippets]

And yes, picking your battles.

[Benjispruce2]

Parent don’t friend. Have standards and boundaries and be consistent with upholding them. I wish I’d started regular chores early so do that. Insist on manners and respect. Don’t disagree with your partner over their discipline in front of them . Pick your battles. A messy bedroom didn’t bother me but leaning up after themselves did.

[krustykittens]

@MrMahoneysPants

OP I think also remember that this has been a shit year for all of us. I'm far more arsey that normal Don't feel like you're doing something wrong , tips are always good to have but the poster here raised their teens prior to the shit hitting the fan spectacularly. So son't assume you won't be in a better postion yourself in 5 years.

Soooooo true. DD1 said something to me today that I felt was really pissing on my chips and I got a bit upset. DH told me to stop being so silly!

[peaceanddove]

We had high expectations of behaviour from when they were very little. Nasty or rude behaviour was simply not tolerated. No shouting, but a very angry tone of voice was used and we were very consistent. Our kids knew that with both their parents We. Mean. What. We. Say. And. Say. What. We. Mean. We rarely failed to follow through on anything - whether it was a promised treat or a punishment. They always knew where they stood with us. Boundaries were firm but fair.

Can genuinely only recall a small handful of times either of them had displayed any challenging/unpleasant behaviour. Our reaction was to stay the adult. Cold voice. Removal of phone. Removal of any treats. Show a united front at how displeased we both were in their behaviour and a very frosty attitude toward them for a while. They're bright kids and soon realised that acting like an arse made their lives really unpleasant and it just wasn't worth it.

Finally, we have always been very much Their Parents. It's not our job to be their best friends and we don't have a problem if being a Good Parent occasionally makes them dislike us. Having said that, they both know that we have totally got their backs and we are a 100% reliable safety net for them.

Now they're both nearly adults the 'friendship' relationship is slowly blossoming. We get on really well and share the same sense of humour and outlook in life. But I am still their Mum at the end of the day and certain lines are not to be crossed. I respect them and their privacy and I expect the same from them.

[OlympicProcrastinator]

By showing them respect as well as expecting it. As soon as they were able to speak I expected them to say, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to me whenever I passed them something or made them a meal etc. I also spoke to them with the same level of respect. Instead of, “clean your room it’s a tip” it was, “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you could keep your room more tidy, can you do it now for me? Thanks very much” with a smile and a hug.

In turn, any disrespect was swiftly pointed out. “Do NOT speak to me like that, I don’t deserve it, that’s very disrespectful.” Inevitability that was followed by “sorry mum” and a hug.

I apologise if I do something wrong, am rude or snappy. I show them it’s ok to acknowledge mistakes. Eg. “Sorry I was grumpy earlier, I had a rough day but you didn’t deserve for me to snap at you” etc.

Demonstrating respectful behaviour between my husband and I. No name calling in arguments, talking respectfully to sort out disagreements.

And finally expecting them to be part of the team. Helping set the table, clear up after they’ve eaten, help clean the bathroom or kitchen so they know what’s involved and how others people’s mess or laziness makes it more difficult for the ones cleaning. Never behaving like their skivvy.

That’s it really. Both teens lovely and rarely argue with them. Pleasure to be around. Love teenage years!

[Tal45]

I have one with ASD. It's hard because he doesn't know 'the rules' that other people do and really struggles with friendships, but he's clever and funny and surprisingly independent. Chatting about his day is like pulling teeth, but talk about something he's interested in and he'll talk for hours.
Spending lots of time with them and behaving how you'd want them to is really important IMO, lots of explanations of when and why to do or not to do things - they need to understand the whys because a lot of things don't make sense in the way they do to non ASD people. Please and thank you and 'being polite' as a concept, doesn't really make sense to him as he doesn't see them as important - he doesn't want to do something he hates more just because I say please, so it doesn't make sense to him - so that's always a work in progress that is easily forgotten.
Routine works brilliantly for kids of any age with with ASD, mine did not want to make his own lunch, I showed him how to do it - those steps are important, got him making it everyday and now it's part of his routine so he does it without even thinking, same with making breakfast and getting ready for school.
If he is rude I just say please don't speak to me like that it's rude and leave it to that. Fortunately for me mine thinks school is important and works hard and isn't angry/aggressive. xxx

[MrsPnut]

Definitely picking your battles and consistency. I never promise something that I can't deliver and I never threaten anything that I won't follow through.

There were a couple of times when my daughters were young when we left an activity or day out early because I told them that we would go home if they did whatever again. It only took a couple of times and they knew what the consequences would be.

I do also have the look, and my kids know it means sit down now and stop doing whatever you are doing. The look has made some other children also sit down and stop what they were doing, and in one case cry.
I use good manners and I insist they do as well but I'm relaxed about lots of other things like swearing. Know your audience is all I ask.

[isthismylifenow]

People say I am fortunate a lot of the time, as my two are really nice kids, I know I am biased but I hear it from a lot of people.

I don't know if there is a golden rule in parenting, but I just went with I treat them the way I want them to treat me and others. I don't like being shouted at, so never shout at them. I like being spoken to respectfully, so that is how I speak to them too. And that sort of thing.

We have a very calm house. I cannot even remember the last time there was raised voice and my ds is 21 and dd is 18. I am a single mum so I don't have stress of another person changing the dynamic iyswim.

I think start as you mean to go on.

[WaxOnFeckOff]

I was very strict when they were young, maybe overly so in retrospect. I was a bit shouty. I was always knackered and stressed and I do regret it but they both tell me they don't really remember it.

However i was rarely a shouty parent when they were teenagers. I did at times have discussions about behaviour and being disrespectful and how that wasn't acceptable etc. That approach seemed to work but being honest they were petty laid back. I found pre teens harder. They are now very laid back adults.

[SweetPetrichor]

I was the well behaved teen, and my parents:

• maintained consequences and followed through (eg: slam your bedroom door after being told not to and the door will be taken off it's hinges.
• weren't averse to the wooden spoon across the knuckles if I was being really arsey...only a few times in my memory.
• didn't treat me like a 'friend'...they treated me as a child and it was instilled that respect was there.

This doesn't start at the teenage years though. You can't fix a bad teenager - you need to raise them right from the start.

[notacooldad]

Absolute zero tolerance of any talking back or disrespect from toddlerhood onwards. Neither of ours have once said anything rude or attacking to us
100 per cent this.
I haven't read all the post but I know that I will be repeating what is already been said and probably won't have anything new to add.
After years of working with teens I have found that if strong boundaries are not put in place and maintained in the toddler years it is going to be very difficult to get a change of behaviour once they are pre-pubescent.
What is funny at four is not so funny when that child is towering over you and thinks they can do what they want. I know this probably isn't your story OP but it's things like this that we are dealing with in family support.
We always ask about each other and the children learned to ask how everyones day was since they were small. It sounds a bit twee but it was all about being a family and asking about each other.
Things are never perfect and sometimes you do have to pick your battles. I think adults forget that it is ok for them to feel a bit grumpy, out of sorts or in a bad mood but forget children also feel these emotions too.

Often teenagers claim no one listens to them or no one understands.
I have always been a huge believer in spending time with your teen and knowing them. It's easy to rub along side each other on a day to day basis but harder to know what there fears, dreams, aspirations etc are.
One thing I did was once a month roughly was to go out with just one of them. We would go for a drive and then to their favourite restaurant. The conversation flowed a lot easier and wasn't forced. I'm not telling everyone to do that but it worked for me and was great way of getting to know my son's as indviduals and listen to their view of the world. I learned a lot from those times.

We hardly ever shouted but had firm boundaries in place. Too be honest the teen years were my absolute favourite and I wish I could have them again!

[Outbutnotoutout]

Biggest thing is if you give a sanction, then Foliot through.

I hear all the time...

Timmy don't do that
Timmy carrys on
Timmy if you do that again, I will do blah blah
Timmy carrys on etc

[FoonySpucker]

@MrMahoneysPants

Saying "answer me this" in the thread title comes over as a bit abrupt/ironic considering the subject.

[Ragwort]

Not sure I always got it right but we have got through the worst and my DS (19) is mostly charming, polite and helpful - he is always perfectly well behaved outside the house .

Mainly the same points as everyone else, I am the 'parent' not a 'friend' ... I always cringe when I hear people talk about their DC as their 'best friends'. Model good behaviour - my DH and I never shout, scream or swear at each other. Strict boundaries (but try to focus on the important things .... I have learned to shut the door on messy rooms but would not tolerate dirty cups etc left in the bedroom).

But probably, like having a good sleeper, it's down to sheer good luck !

[WaxOnFeckOff]

And I agree with PP, I find the attitude that some have on here that you shouldn't give them lifts or do them favours a bit bizarre. I tended to either comply with reasonable requests or offer favours in the same way as I would with a friend. i.e. would you like a lift to the station? etc

They weren't my friends, i was still their parent, but I like to be treated nicely and so I extend the same to those people I love most.

I've also always made it clear that there might be things they do that are mistakes and they may sometimes get a short term bad reaction but at the end of the day, people make mistakes in life and we as parents will always be there to love, support and help make things right.

[Maybemay123]

Mine are 16,11,11.
The 16 year old has not caused any particular issues, is polite and helpful (I'm hoping the other two will be the same but who knows).
I've found firm but fair,
Not too strict (pick your battles),
Expect good manners at all times,
Encourage independence,
Do things together one on one,
Expect them to be part of the household (always done chores, eat meals together when in),
Advice not dictate,
Communicate,
Be the adult in the relationship,
Treat them how you wish to be treated - they learn by example,
Routines (especially with my eldest who has asd) helps them understand what happens when, what's expected of them, it definitely reduces arguments, for example we do specific chores on certain days and they know without being told that they need doing therefore reduces need to nag,
Explain life events in an age appropriate way, never lie to them but they don't always need to know everything.
And don't beat yourself up when you don't quite get it right (your all on a learning curve) but learn from your mistakes.

[MyGoMargot]

From young:

Zero tolerance physical aggression (separated if it happened)

Certain banned words: stupid, idiot

The basics, manners-wise

Throughout:

Naming feelings, acknowledging our own and others’

Using ‘I’ not ‘You’ (eg when saying why we're angry/upset)

Being honest

Learning the power of the apology

Not holding grudges

Not being afraid of letting them see us (the parents) as upset, cross, pissed off etc

Boundaries!

Picking battles

‘Giving in’ sometimes (allowing them to think they’ve got their own way)

Teaching effective negotiation and the ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ approach to situations