If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

My 2 are pretty good, where they have been rude I find
“That was very rude and NOT an acceptable way to speak to me” In what they term my calm but menacing voice does the trick.

I had zero tolerance of any sentence that started "it's not fair".

They were allowed to serve themselves portions of food from a young age, but were not allowed to take more than a fair share. No seconds until everyone has had a chance to eat their first helping, then seconds to be shared out according to who wants some.

All reasonable requests or arguments reasonably and politely made were listened to; other styles got short shrift.

It sounds draconian, but it wasn't really. They are older teens now and are lovely. Not so good at clearing up, but you have to pick your battles.

I also expect my dcs to do chores. They’ve been helping out ever since they were young. I have a tolerance for their rooms. Mess is ok but unhygienic stuff, no way.
They learnt from a young age that dirty clothes go in the laundry so thankfully, they keep that up. I never let them have food upstairs but ds is doing GCSEs at the moment so he often takes his mug, toast and crisps upstairs. Usually, he brings his stuff back down, but if he doesn’t, I will remind him. We joke around a lot and the reminder will be along the lines of rats coming in to nestle among the crumbs late at night if he leaves it in a state or some other nonsense.

Go through hell with them until they are 8. You do all the hard work then so teens are a breeze.

It's about respect, establishing that you are two individuals who respect each other. You will not always agree.
Some areas are theirs to control (their bedroom, their work), some are yours.
If their messy bedroom encroaches on your ability to serve dinner because the plates are all in their room, then you tell them to bring down some p,ages and wash them up so you can serve dinner.

If they say something unkind, point out that it upsets you and leaves you less inclined to go to a lot of effort for them.
Equally, be considerate toward them- don't give them sprouts if they hate them. Give them one sprout in case they discover they've changed their mind, and a different vegetable instead. Tell them 'I've avoided the mushrooms in yours, I know you're not keen'.

Demonstrate loving, considerate behaviour.

Don't ever expect a good relationship from telling them all the ways they fall short.

Always been loving and respectful to them. My husband and I treat each other with respect and we've always been a very strong little family unit. Any rudeness to any member of the family dealt with quickly so they know exactly when they've been out of line.

We've always listened to them too and give them their own space.
I'm sure there's no perfect formula but we've never really had any "teenage" behaviour.

I've no idea.

Our girls were always well behaved and are lovely confident young women with their own family. Lord knows how it happened. They were always daddies girls and when they were toddlers followed him around like puppies. They would go to the allotment with him where they had their own little garden. When I went down I also found that he even had a couple of soft dogs beds in the shed where they went for a nap if they were tired. I must admit to having been a bit jealous of their relationship but he pointed out that all he did different was give them time. I think that was key, we spent time with them didn't argue or shout and they quickly learned that doing what they were told was the way to get the best results. We tended to do things as a family but as they got older we gave them a bit more space.
We didn't do anything really except be mum and dad.

When my autistic DD went through her teens, I just put 100% into trying not to kill her because, my god, she would have tested the patience of a saint. She nearly burnt the house down on numerous occasions but it was never her fault. For example one time I came home and could smell burning. I found the oven on full and a pair of jeans inside. Apparently it wasn't her fault as she was trying to dry them and turned it off when she went out but turned the dial the wrong way. And it could have been worse as she was going to put them in the microwave first but remembered that they have metal, so what am I complaining about.

She's an adult now and a teacher and recognises how lucky she is to have parents who didn't leave her at a service station in her teens.

Seriously though my DH and I are like chalk and cheese. I'm like gasoline on a fire and he's like water. So I was the angry, shouty, go to your room parent and then he'd get home and do the calm, reasoning bit. But ultimately the only discipline that actually worked was turning off the wifi because that was the only thing she cared about as a teen.

Honestly - I have three, 2 were and are wonderful; 1 was a pain in the arse from the toddlerhood and is just about human now in their early 20s [still with a selfish streak and not always a close friend of honesty]. All brought up the same.

I am always told my kids have excellent manners and are respectful. I brought them up myself and I was very strict from when they were little.

When ever I have them something I would always look at them and say ‘thank you’ if they didn’t say it themselves.

My favourite saying to them growing up was “I want doesn’t get”

If they asked for something and didn’t say please I would always say “what do you say?”

If they were naughty they were sent to their room or had devices taken from them. I always stuck to my guns with how long it was taken for. They used to get given a little smack on the hand/bottom when they were little too.

You need to lay down boundaries and enforce them consistently. Consistency can't be overrated. Every child is different, so finding punishment and reward to get the behaviour you want, is individual to them. As children grow up, you need to involve them more in setting appropriate boundaries.

Well it's really difficult to say.

One DC has sensory issues and other stuff, and struggled a lot with emotions and anger, from 2 onwards it was very hard parenting them, we had boundaries and when told off or asked to go calm down, would kick spindles out of the stairs and doors, the melt downs could last an hour or so. there was no point at all with trying to engage once in that state, so it was always a long time after that it was then safe to sit down and talk about the reaction and the original incident, then consequences would be laid out, unfortunately sometimes this could start another rage. But from 13 onwards (18 now) is loverly respectful and thoughtful. it was a very difficult time with no support and a local council not willing to do assessments.

The other DC in comparison was easier but also struggled with emotions and was unreachable once upset. their difficult period was between 7 and 10.

I made lots of mistakes, shouted, lost my temper, and felt like a terrible, useless mother for many years.

But both are thoughtful and respectful of us as parents and people and friends around them, they have amazing sense's of humour, and chat and talk openly to DH and me.

I suppose it could have been that we always talked with them calmly after the issues, we listened to how the felt, we tried to help them to avoid getting like that in the first place. We followed through with consequences but tried not to do knee jerk consequences that would be hard or stupid to actually do. We also apologised to them if we had not managed to behave as we should.

I really don't know, how or why they are lovely teens now. I'm sure someone else could have done the same as me and DH and still have problems. I just feel lucky that's all.

Talked to them. Explained exactly why certain behaviour is a requirement. If they constantly forgot or refused taking away a privilege for a short time to act as a reminder / show them it is not in their interests to not comply. However the latter was not usually necessary.

They do what they see at home, not what they're told. We respect each other, DS16 never heard us calling each other names, so he doesn't do it either. He doesn't see us disrespecting other people, so he doesn't do it. Of course he does mess around with his friends. He knows his please and sorry.

Through the teenage years now but they are both respectful people, agree with others pick your battles, I was relaxed about rooms being in a mess staying out a bit late etc but discussed disrespectful behaviour or backchat , praised any good behaviour however small and enjoyed having a laugh, even if at my expense! Say sorry if your wrong too and mirror the person you’d like them to be. Even if they were grumpy sulky stressed tired etc give them a hug / chocolate muffin show love in some way.
I was not their best friend and I told them that, friends were there to agree with everything, I wasn’t going to do that , as their mum I am there to help them be good people and think about how their actions affect others. Encouraged them to think of grandparents and others who need help and care and to spend time with them. It’s a journey op but I love spending time with them, always have done.

By making it abundantly clear right from the start that it was the behaviour I wasn't happy with, not them as a person, eg: "That was a naughty thing that you did" and not "Naughty girl/boy for doing that".

Also try and make use of the "I've already had to tell you once. I'm not going to tell you again so this is your last chance, and if you don't do it now then X will happen". And follow through every single time. 'X' can be whatever is appropriate in relation to the misdemeanour.

I used to count to 3. I never actually got to 3!! Two and three-quarters a couple of times, but never 3.

My teens are well behaved and respectful but I don't know if I could tell you what I did to acheive that or whether that is simply their nature as it is mine. They tell me they think I'm not strict, I know I'm pretty easy going so maybe something that would be a big issue for someone else isn't for me.

I can't think of a particular time when I've had to punish them.

Just pull them up on it if they are disrespectful and model good behaviour yourself. The worst thing for teenagers is when their parents are "do as I say and not as I do". You have to be what you want your children to be. It may be more of a challenge with your ASD child but generally the same basic thing applies - show, don't just tell.

@FoonySpucker

Maybe introducing the word "please" would be a start!

The OP said please.

I think you start off by modelling respectful behaviour from the moment they are born. In your behaviour towards them, DP, and others.

The language you use is important, explaining why you’re asking them to help with chores, empowering them to make their own decisions, talking about acceptable behaviour, being reasonable, being open to their opinions, handling confrontation calmly, being fair and consistent. Avoid rewarding negative behaviour by reacting in an equally negative way.

I'm not sure there's a guaranteed way to bring up your kids to be reasonable and respectful, but I think a good start is being reasonable and respectful to them. My 16 YO is really good, she's still lazy, has a scruffy bedroom, etc., but she listens and tries, as I do for her. She's a quiet thoughtful person though, she's always been laid back since birth tbh, she was a fairly easy baby/toddler, so it follows that she'd be a pretty laid back teen.

I have five dc the two youngest have autism, all are polite and respectful. I'd say teaching that starts early so by the time they are teens it's just second nature. When they were small I'd say "Did you mean to be rude then or did you just forget your good manners?" That would immediately illicit an apology and rephrasing. As they got older it was inbuilt and they were polite and respectful automatically.
Mine would say they wouldn't dare to be rude or disrespectful to me (they are all adults now youngest is eighteen) I've no idea why they wouldn't dare because I've never hit them or really raised my voice but I do have "the look" that they all know means they have reached the limit of my tolerance and they better step back.

Oh, and like mentioned before, pick your battles. No point getting angry about his messy room (constantly), as long as he cleans after himself in family areas. School work not done? He's not allowed to train (sports school). No bother for me.

As others have said, expect good manners from the get go but model those same manners and be respectful and kind. No point in asking your DCs to say please and thank you if you don't. If you make a mistake, own up to it and say sorry. I have made as many mistakes, as as an adult, as my kids have, so I am far from perfect. But we have muddled through and now, at 16 and 19, they are good kids. You can only do your best, OP, like the rest of us. Just try and be the person your dog thinks you are and your kids might find they like you too!

I always tried to talk to them rather than the "do this - don't do that - do as you're told - because I say so" mindset of my own parents.

If they were particularly rude or whatever I would calmly ask them if they thought this was acceptable behaviour and we were generally able to have a sensible conversation about it. I also found that if I treated them with respect, and asked them their opinions about things that affected them (where to go on holiday, what to have for meals, extra curricular activities) I tended to get a conversation and we could find a compromise.

I also had firm boundaries from toddlerhood of what behaviour I would tolerate - please and thank you as soon as they were able to understand the concept, wait your turn, ask nicely if you want something never demand it etc etc. There were rough patches of course, but both my DC were pretty well behaved during their teenage years and we had a good relationship which has extended into their adulthood.