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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it just my DH that does this?

60 replies

GRMA · 02/03/2021 09:27

These are only a few examples I have loads of scenarios; does anybody else's OH act in this manner?

When DH asks what chores, I have scheduled for the weekend, I tell him upstairs needs hoovering and a deep clean in the bathroom. So, after breakfast, I get the hoover and go upstairs to vacuum, he comes upstairs and says, "Yeah, I was going to do that for you," then watches/Micro Manages me for 10 minutes before returning to his TV, he did the same when he realised, I was cleaning the bathroom.

Or this one

Last weekend was a beautiful day, so I told DH I thought the Lawn needs cutting he said he'd do it in a couple of weeks. In my head, in a couple of weeks it'll be too long to cut, So I go get the lawn mower and start it myself, and he just smiles and sits there watching TV while I mow the entire lawn, which is very large.

My point is that he always says "he was going to do it" or "he'll do it later," and then sits and watches or, worse, supervises while I do the jobs.

He makes a great Supervisor but lousy worker LOL :(

OP posts:

someonelockthefridgealready · 02/03/2021 09:32

He's an arse. He knows you'll do it and he's quite happy to let you do. Him saying he would have done is so that you can't pull him up on his laziness, because then he'll just reply, "But I said I was going to do it".

You need a serious conversation.

Chocolatefordinner · 02/03/2021 09:36

You need to be more direct. If you want him to do it, tell him. You shouldn’t have to, but unfortunately with some men, you need to.

Chocolatefordinner · 02/03/2021 09:37

Or when he says I was going to do that say “oh great you can do this instead then if you’re free” and give him a new job.

UserAgain · 02/03/2021 09:38

Agree with being more direct. You need to say "the hoovering needs doing and the bathroom needs cleaning - which one will you do?"

I wouldn't have started cutting the lawn if DH had said he'd do it either - remind him in a couple of weeks that he promised he'd do it, and let him have the issue of "is it too long".

Potterythrowdown · 02/03/2021 09:38

I'd have just handed him the hoover and got on with something else.

Agree you need a proper discussion about division of housework.

billy1966 · 02/03/2021 09:39

So you married a lazy waster.

Be very very careful of planning a family with someone who has no intention of sharing the load.

Frustration and misery is all that awaits you if you do.

MN is full of terribly sad women who assumed their partners would step up but they didn't.

He sounds like a twat.

Protect yourself.

MegaClutterSlut · 02/03/2021 09:39

I think you need to directly ask him to do it because he's taking the piss as he knows you'll do it! Stop letting him get away with it, he's a CF

SmileyClare · 02/03/2021 09:40

He watches you hoovering to "supervise"? God I think I'd ram the Hoover forcefully into his ankles.

Hide the tv remote next weekend.

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 02/03/2021 09:41

I think YABU because you not only let him get away with this behaviour but you enable it going ahead and doing the cleaning or mowing.

JesusAteMyHamster · 02/03/2021 09:43

Nope. Mine wouldn't dare........ I'm neither a martyr nor an enabler.

Notabove25 · 02/03/2021 09:43

You're enabling it though.

If he tells you he was going to do the hoovering while you're doing it why wouldn't you hand the hoover over?

If the grass is too long by the time he comes to cut it, why isn't that his problem?

drspouse · 02/03/2021 09:47

Do the hoovering "for you"??!!! Who lives in this house?

Cocogreen · 02/03/2021 09:48

Hand the Hoover over OP, and say “ thanks! I can do some other chore now.”
Anyone micromanaging my cleaning would get the cleaning apparatus thrown at them.

2020nymph · 02/03/2021 09:48

DH was like this, watched me doing it and saying he was going to do it. Now we have a meal/washing up rota during the week and at the weekend I write a list of everything that needs doing and the whole family gets to chose chores from the list.

2020nymph · 02/03/2021 09:49

@drspouse

Do the hoovering "for you"??!!! Who lives in this house?

That phrase gives me the rage!

MrsOmelette · 02/03/2021 09:50

Nope, my DH and I communicate fairly and look after OUR home fairly. You can change the dynamic by no longer accepting it.

Sapho47 · 02/03/2021 09:51

"He makes a great Supervisor but lousy worker LOL"

Some people are sneeky like this, I think they learn it young and it becomes a habit.

Time to break it like smoking, spritz him with a water bottle each time he says later!

Worldgonecrazy · 02/03/2021 09:51

Are you a partnership or are you falling into the role of manager? He is an adult I presume? And therefore perfectly capable of knowing the bathroom needs cleaning, the hoovering needs doing or any one of the regular domestic tasks. Why should you have to tell him? Is he mentally deficient?

gurglebelly · 02/03/2021 09:54

Yeah sorry there is nothing lol about that. He's a lazy fucker that has no intention of 'helping you' at all (btw it isn't helping you, it's pulling his weight because he lives in the house)

CaptainCarp · 02/03/2021 09:55

No because as soon as he came up saying "I was going to do that" I'd have handed him the vacuum with "oh great here you go".

The only discussion we'd have about which "chores" were due to be done the weekend would be if one us wanted to have a blitz/sort of 1 room in particular & wanted a hand. It would be a conversation rather than reeling off a list like you would to a teen though.

The lawn.. Well he thinks it would wait a couple of weeks & you didn't so I couldnt get too worked up about it.

Aimee1987 · 02/03/2021 09:58

Hes not doing it because you are.
Agree with others that have said be more direct. "Which are you doing the hoovering or the bathroom?" If he leaves the grass untill it's too long and impossible that's his problem.

My DP, bless him, does sometimes come and help me when I'm doing the dishwasher but our kitchen is tiny so we just end up falling over over each other. When he comes to help I just give him a different job. Oh we need some laundry on would you go put on a load or strip the bed or ......

Original poster

GRMA · 02/03/2021 09:59

Thank you all for your responses; it seems that I will need to grow a set. It has been like this for the past 20 years, I don't think he will change now, but at the very least I will be able to take a day off from the chores now and then :)

OP posts:

Gliblet · 02/03/2021 10:00

DH knows good and well that if he did that I'd down tools and let him crack on.

Or spray him with mould remover...

If the shifltess lazy sod you're saddled with says he'll do it later, hold him to it. If he says he's doing housework "for you" remind him that he is, theoretically at least, a functional adult and needs to keep his home clean and presentable. So do you. Neither of you are doing it for the other. And if he says he's going to do something then leaves it long enough that it becomes even harder work, like the lawn, let him sweat.

IloveFebruary · 02/03/2021 10:10

You need to tell him. Mow the lawn today. It will be too long in a couple of weeks.

DinosaurDiana · 02/03/2021 10:11

This will be your life from now on, unless you change it.

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