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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just my DH that does this?

60 replies

GRMA · 02/03/2021 09:27

These are only a few examples I have loads of scenarios; does anybody else's OH act in this manner?

When DH asks what chores, I have scheduled for the weekend, I tell him upstairs needs hoovering and a deep clean in the bathroom. So, after breakfast, I get the hoover and go upstairs to vacuum, he comes upstairs and says, "Yeah, I was going to do that for you," then watches/Micro Manages me for 10 minutes before returning to his TV, he did the same when he realised, I was cleaning the bathroom.

Or this one

Last weekend was a beautiful day, so I told DH I thought the Lawn needs cutting he said he'd do it in a couple of weeks. In my head, in a couple of weeks it'll be too long to cut, So I go get the lawn mower and start it myself, and he just smiles and sits there watching TV while I mow the entire lawn, which is very large.

My point is that he always says "he was going to do it" or "he'll do it later," and then sits and watches or, worse, supervises while I do the jobs.

He makes a great Supervisor but lousy worker LOL :(

OP posts:
mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 02/03/2021 10:20

Lol?

You've turned yourself into a doormat.

Tropicalparadise75 · 02/03/2021 10:24

I couldn’t do with someone staring at me doing chores! If he’s got time to stare he’s got time to do them. As for critiquing what I’m doing, that would be weird.

moomoomummy · 02/03/2021 10:24

Stop stop stopp! He knows that you will do it for him so he just sits back and lets it happen . The grass may grow too long, the fluff may take over the carpet but try not to excuse him from helping out around the house. Stay strong , go out and leave him to it .

MeltingSnowflake · 02/03/2021 10:31

He won’t change I’m afraid. If he’s great in all other ways and you decide you can live with it, you’ll have to be ok with doing all the household chores - or ask him to budget for a cleaner or gardener.

The only practical thing I can suggest is that he needs more of a heads-up re: what’s expected of him - maybe draw up a household rota together, so he’s fully on board. Stick it on the fridge and you each tick off what you’ve done, so it becomes painfully obvious when he hadn’t done anything. Unfortunately this does make you the household ‘manager’ but it sounds like you are already.

CheltenhamLady · 02/03/2021 10:58

You need to put your foot down very firmly OP. A house and chores are a shared responsibility. Make him pull his weight.

FuckyouCovid21 · 02/03/2021 11:01

I was going to do that for you

What makes it your job?!

Bluesheep8 · 02/03/2021 11:13

This will be your life from now on, unless you change it.

OP said it's been her life for the last 20 years

Justmuddlingalong · 02/03/2021 11:17

When he asks you what chores you have planned, you tell him what you'll be doing AND what he'll be doing. If he can't see what needs done and pull his weight by chipping in, you'll have to manage him.

halcyondays · 02/03/2021 11:17

What happens if you say, I’ll mow the lawn and you can do the hoovering? There’s no incentive for him to do anything because he knows you’ll do it as you always do.

Or as a pp says, hand the hoover over to him when he says he was going to do it.

tenlittlecygnets · 02/03/2021 11:29

20 years!!!!!!

You have more patience than I do.

What a lazy fucker he is. I couldn't respect someone like that.

DrSbaitso · 02/03/2021 11:30

Well I can see why he likes the setup so much that he keeps it going, but I can't see why you do.

LolaSmiles · 02/03/2021 11:34

He's being lazy and knows if he says he will do it later then you'll step in and do it.

Much as it pains me to suggest having to manage a grown adult to do basic tasks, I think you're going to have to be direct and tell him 'I am doing X and you need to do Y before lunch'. It's probably the only way to start changing the dynamic.

DinosaurDiana · 02/03/2021 11:35

@Bluesheep8

This will be your life from now on, unless you change it.

OP said it's been her life for the last 20 years

I wasn’t looking back, only thinking of her future.
Juno231 · 02/03/2021 11:36

OP it's on you. He's a lazy git and you're letting him get away with it.

ChippyChickenChips · 02/03/2021 11:37

No, my dh doesn't do this. He just sees what needs doing and cracks on. The only thing he rarely does is the ironing because it takes me half the time. On the other hand he'd never expect me to mow the lawn because it takes him half the time. It's never been discussed in depth we just do what needs doing in an equitable manner.

HettieHelvetica · 02/03/2021 11:37

He was going to do it "for you"?! Angry FFS, call him out on that patriarchal bullcrap each and every time. He's an adult, he lives there too, therefore he does chores because they're necessary.

Pyewackect · 02/03/2021 11:38

No, we have a cleaner for that.

SackofTurtles · 02/03/2021 11:41

When DH asks what chores I have scheduled for the weekend

What everyone else said, but I also don't think DH has never asked me what chores 'I had scheduled for the weekend', or implied that, if he cleaned the bathroom, he was somehow doing it 'for me', because my vagina meant that this was indisputably my job.

RagzReturnsRebooted · 02/03/2021 11:42

If I start washing up and DH comes and says he was going to do it, I step away and let him get on with it. Unless he actually has work to do (in which case he's probably procrastinating!) and I have some free time, in which case I may carry on.

Brefugee · 02/03/2021 11:43

Mine doesn't do that.
You have to decide for yourself though, will he really do it in a few weeks? (agree that's sometimes too long to leave grass before a cut) or does it bother you more than it bothers him?

How would he react to you scheduling chores for him rather than saying "ok, X, Y, Z needs doing. I'll take X and Z." and then wait for him to say "ok I'll do Y" (and then do it)

Or if he comes up and watches you vacuuming - hand him the vacuum and walk off. Tell him not to forget to make sure there's plenty of spare loo roll when he does the bathroom. Things like that.

Only you will know the best way to handle this, or if it needs handling at all (are you the kind of person who could wait it out? it seems not)

NotTerfNorCis · 02/03/2021 11:44

Got someone a bit like that at work. He gets stuck on something. You help him. Then he says 'I was just about to do that' or 'I was already doing that'. When he wasn't, obviously.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 02/03/2021 11:46

I clicked YABU. And you are to put up with that.

Mummy1608 · 02/03/2021 11:47

Yabu for doing this for 20 years... I agree with a pp to get a cleaner. It'll be really hard to change his habits now, and he'd (understandably) feel "if you had a problem with my habits why wait 20y to bring it up?"

Ellie56 · 02/03/2021 11:49

You've let this shit go on for 20 years? Shock YAVVU

Just give the lazy twat the hoover next time and tell him he needs to hoover wherever as you are doing something else. And if it doesn't get done, don't do it yourself. Keep on at him until he does it.

Don't tell me you do all the washing shopping and cooking too?

UserAgain · 02/03/2021 11:49

It has been like this for the past 20 years

Well that's the problem. If he's seen you happily do all the chores for 20 years, he's unlikely to spontaneously start doing any of them unless he is given a pretty hefty "push". It also explains why he describes doing jobs "for you" as you've established them as "your" jobs.