Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To absolutely hate my mum.

66 replies

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 20:34

NC for this.

I have realised recently that I absolutely detest her. She makes my blood boil.

I had a shit childhood, emotionally abusive mum constantly commenting about my weight, acne etc resulting in an ED which has left me suffering with osteoarthritis age 22. My father hit me so hard I wet myself when I was younger, and I wanted to go to the police and made those intentions clear which I was guilt tripped into keeping quiet. So I did.

I met a man in 2018 who abused me financially and physically, he took loans out in my name and car finance which left me in the shit. My mum volunteered to help me out once and lent me £300 which I paid back within a month. She lent me the money to clear a debt he’d taken out in my name last year which I’m paying back monthly. Throughout my DV she has never asked how I am or anything.
I had a blacked eye over the summer and received text messages telling me how “good my makeup was” and that I’d drew it on.

She is a grade A shit stirrer and only sees herself as the victim of my DV. She’s not arsed about me in the slightest, she’s contacted all my family to inform them how “evil” I am, and I’m unsure why.

She calls me names and constantly tries to goad me and start some form of argument and I hate it so much. I’ve had to move back home with her after I fled in 2019 which isn’t ideal but college really helps. Every single day results in shouting and screaming. She tells me I’ve let him abuse me, she wants to sit and speak to him to get his side of the story and that my nana hates him but only because of the money my mums borrowed me not for the beating.

I fucking hate this woman with every fibre of my being and I don’t know if I’m allowed to think bad things about her cos she helped me out.

OP posts:
Thehop · 01/03/2021 20:37

Going no contact with my mum was the best thing I ever did. I recommend it.

nimbuscloud · 01/03/2021 20:37

That sounds horrific. Could you report the abusive ex-partner to the police?

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 20:39

I did report thankfully and he’s been apprehended and I have a restraining order.
I struggled to report him to the police as I got flashbacks from my father and being told how he’d lose everything and it’d ruin his life, I really struggled.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 01/03/2021 20:40

Ahhh OP I’m so sorry. Is there anyway you could go no contact? I honestly think you would be so much better without her in your life.

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 20:41

I’ve got attachment issues and I don’t know how to

OP posts:
floppybit · 01/03/2021 20:48

Oh god I can relate to this. I had a fucking awful childhood, my mum was a spiteful bitch and she let my stepdads abuse me, it ruined my life. But she's helped me out financially as an adult so now I feel like I can't legitimately detest her. I feel guilty all the time being as nice as I can to her but deep down I just can't forgive her. Sorry I have no advice, just letting you know that there are others in the same boat. It's a confusing relationship to have with your own mother.

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 20:50

@floppybit thank you so much
mine has told every man and his dog how much she’s helped me out as well so now im too ashamed to speak to the rest of my family.

I’m so sorry that happened to you, and this situation is so confusing you’re dead right and I don’t understand how people end up with such loving and supportive mums

OP posts:
BeenHereForAges · 01/03/2021 20:53

Are you still living with her now OP? If so I think you need a plan. Set yourself some realistic goals to get out of there as soon as financially viable and then you can put some serious distance in.
I'm so sorry for all the hurt you've had. Sometimes we have people in our lives who frankly do not deserve to be there.

OhWhyNot · 01/03/2021 20:56

I haven’t gone nc with my mum through guilt and I worry about her

And when ds was young she had a really good relationship with him

But that is breaking down now and I can see the negativity towards him

It will be a relief when my mum dies

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 20:56

Yes I’m still here unfortunately, I have several viewings set up for private rented houses over the next few weeks. Thank you, I blame myself for a lot of it but she just doesn’t seem to care. It’s not spoken about in my family. I was raped when I was 17 in a nightclub and my nana told me it was my own fault for what I was wearing and being so drunk, the abuse is also my own fault because I allowed it and I did nothing about it.

OP posts:
Serin · 01/03/2021 20:57

Oh Love. I don't have advice, except to say that well done for getting rid of your abusive partner and make sure you get yourself onto every rehousing list you can. Can college help with accommodation for you or mentoring?
Good luck Flowers

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 20:57

@OhWhyNot this!!!

This literally is the same situation minus the children part.

OP posts:
caramac04 · 01/03/2021 20:57

Hopefully college will equip you with the skills to earn enough money to get away from her. Her continued abuse is a way of keeping you in her power as she is nothing without a scapegoat to berate.
You deserve better, you are entitled to hate her but when you get away you can ignore her and you will feel a weight off your shoulders.
Good luck OP, keep your head down until you are independent of her.

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 21:00

I’m hoping that for college too, I’m starting university in september to do law which she has told me “I’ll never stick at” but I will

OP posts:
AnotherKrampus · 01/03/2021 21:01

A lot of posters will probably disaggree but I would stop repaying her. She owes you so much for damaging your life that could never be compensated. I'd use the money for any emotional support, like counselling etc instead.

DavidsSchitt · 01/03/2021 21:05

I have no experience of this in my own family but wanted to wish you well.

Do you have a plan? A job? Could you rent a room somewhere?

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 21:07

I’m at college part time and have a 2 year old daughter who lives here as well, but I work at Costa part time and I’m at college too. She’s dead good with DD but I’m so wary because she’ll start on her when she’s older.

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 01/03/2021 21:09

I am so glad you have this plan , you have nothing to prove to anyone , you have been let down by everyone who should have loved and cared for you .
Bide your time , don't let anyone talk you out of your plans , visualise the wonderful , independent future you deserve and you certainly do deserve !
Soon you can cut these awful people out of your life , it will feel like a cloud has lifted.
Your education will give you so much freedom , i hope you never look back.

Slippy78 · 01/03/2021 21:10

Me too.

I didn't realise how much it had been affecting me until after she passed and my life became so much easier and less stressful.

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 21:11

My dad died in 2015 and I feel weird about it. I don’t know if I miss him, I never sat and was desperate for him to come back, I just got on with it. It’s so strange

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 01/03/2021 21:11

She gave birth to you, but she's not your "mum." She turned in her "mum" card the moment she told you to cover up the abuse. That's pure, unadulterated evil.

She's toxic and damaging to you. Cut her off and have a nice life. If other members of your family don't like it, that's too bad but not your problem.
It will take strength to do that, but you have that within you. Trust yourself and you'll be fine.

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 21:14

Every single slap or hair pull I had was because “I’d done something” or I’d been “playing one off against the other” but I was 5 when it started.

I don’t understand how people can do things to me without a reason, like its ingrained in my mind I must’ve done something for my ex to abuse me.

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 01/03/2021 21:14

If you detest her so much for not offering you enough support, why did yo move back into her home?

Hidingshhhh · 01/03/2021 21:15

@MadinMarch I had nowhere to go.

OP posts:
KevinBaconsMoustache · 01/03/2021 21:16

The stately homes thread on relationships board could be a good source of support and advice for you Flowers