To absolutely hate my mum.

[Hidingshhhh]

NC for this.

I have realised recently that I absolutely detest her. She makes my blood boil.

I had a shit childhood, emotionally abusive mum constantly commenting about my weight, acne etc resulting in an ED which has left me suffering with osteoarthritis age 22. My father hit me so hard I wet myself when I was younger, and I wanted to go to the police and made those intentions clear which I was guilt tripped into keeping quiet. So I did.

I met a man in 2018 who abused me financially and physically, he took loans out in my name and car finance which left me in the shit. My mum volunteered to help me out once and lent me £300 which I paid back within a month. She lent me the money to clear a debt he’d taken out in my name last year which I’m paying back monthly. Throughout my DV she has never asked how I am or anything.
I had a blacked eye over the summer and received text messages telling me how “good my makeup was” and that I’d drew it on.

She is a grade A shit stirrer and only sees herself as the victim of my DV. She’s not arsed about me in the slightest, she’s contacted all my family to inform them how “evil” I am, and I’m unsure why.

She calls me names and constantly tries to goad me and start some form of argument and I hate it so much. I’ve had to move back home with her after I fled in 2019 which isn’t ideal but college really helps. Every single day results in shouting and screaming. She tells me I’ve let him abuse me, she wants to sit and speak to him to get his side of the story and that my nana hates him but only because of the money my mums borrowed me not for the beating.

I fucking hate this woman with every fibre of my being and I don’t know if I’m allowed to think bad things about her cos she helped me out.

Someone mentioned the Stately Homes threads OP (which are support threads for people with abusive parents) so just thought I'd post the link to the latest thread in case you want a look www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4179750-March-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

I have a friend in her sixties who had a very abusive childhood. Her mother is still alive and she is STILL stuck emotionally. It’s incredibly toxic and in some ways, I hate to say, she acts out a lot of her own mother’s behaviour (not abusive but manipulative at times and utterly negative to any form of change). She has had a great career and has done well but is still a frightened child when it comes to this.

Please don’t be her. Access some good therapy and protect yourself. She’s still praying for her mother to die but in reality she has let this go on far too long.

And YANBU to hate her. You can break away once you accept that.

Dump her!

You will be stuck, emotionally, until you do.

She helped you? Bwah ha. Fine. You didn't report them to the police for their child abuse, so you're even.

Block her and be free.

@Hidingshhhh

I totally get understand you

Its such a taboo subject in our society and proberly in other cultures to admit you had such a shit mothering experience as a child.

Its also very confusing for you to have strong overwhelming natural feelings as you do towards her.

Please explore (find)out as much as possible all kinds of different therapies out there and there potential benefits
to find out which kinds of therapies you think will feel a fit for you.

I think hypnotherapy could be beneficial as its works on semi conscious dream state for you.

Also CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy could well be beneficial for you.

Also good counselling therapy to explore your feelings in a safe envoriment would benefit aswell.

Please stop feeling indebted to your mother and father you do not owe them anything.

I know your mother helped out money wise ,but money is not everything

You need healing from your childhood A.s.a.p

I am tempted to say do not worry if you can not afford to pay your money back to her.

Use the rest of the money for good therapies for yourself to heal such as joining a Healthspa/having holistic therapies sessions such as hot stone massages etc.

If your mother insists/demands why you haven't paid her back at all yet?
just tell her that you have used some/all the money as compensation to have therapy to heal from the very shit childhood I had.
Put all the guilt back on her and the rest of your family who have been shit towards you op.

She doesn’t think my childhood was shit, she’s literally the epitome of the stately homes quote
I said to her once about the constant calling me names, she was obsessed with my weight, I ended up having a binge purge issue that eventually developed into anorexia and I’ve had every deficiency going. I was a size 4 and 6stone when I was 15-21 and I remember her being so proud. I looked at old photos last week and I wasn’t even fat so why she used to put me down so much is beyond me.

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to stop looking inwards for the answers, you won't find them because it's not you, it's her. Everything she does will be 'beyond you' because she's not within the normal range of human (let alone parental) behaviour, she's fucked up and abusive and it's utterly futile to even try to understand her.

Focus on you, save your understanding for yourself and detach as much as possible from her headfuckery while you have to stay there. All your energy now needs to go towards getting yourself sorted and out of there so don't waste it getting embroiled in her shit. And don't look back once you've gone, you and DD will have a better life without her in it

It's totally fine to hate your Mum. However, it took me a lot of therapy until I could break the trauma bond with my Mother and feel comfortable that I didn't love her and she didn't love me.

I still do stuff for her, mainly to support my siblings, but I have grieved the Mother I never had and built a good life for myself.

Don't underestimate the trauma bond you have with your Mum op. If you can, get lots of therapy so you can start to disengage.

@Hidingshhhh

I’m hoping that for college too, I’m starting university in september to do law which she has told me “I’ll never stick at” but I will

@Hidingshhhh

Uni lecturer here, and I just wanted to pick up on this. Whatever she tries to do to sabotage your degree, don't let her. Study at this level doesn't only change how much you know, it creates a significant personal change too. I've had students who during their studies, finally found the strength to leave abusive partners or parents, to stop drinking, stop drugs...

So whenever she tells you you'll never do it, you're too thick, you won't stick at it - shut your ears.

But if you're still living with her by the time you start studying, please be careful. I've known abusive partners, ones who also thought my student shouldn't be at uni, do everything they can to put obstacles in your way. Hard drives get wiped, memory sticks go missing, work not on computer would be destroyed the day before it was due for submission. Don't let her do that to you.

I really hope you get your own place and can live free from her. The personal growth I mentioned will give you the perspective you need to see her for who she is, and also to deal with the effects of the abuse. I don't mean to make it sound like a degree is a magic wand. But I've seen it perform near miracles.

My heart goes out to you @Hidingshhhh
I agree with all pp. Nothing that has happened is your fault. It’s her shit. Give it back to her mentally, here you go mum, this is your stuff, not mine.
Stay on target. Your degree is your way through this. It’s ok to rely on yourself, scary at first but then it becomes safe.
Sending you all the good things

[quote scotsllb]@EveryDayIsADuvetDay really?
Op explained she had nowhere to go with her child after escaping abuse. It's so much more complicated than black and white thinking.
Op you are amazing and you will feel so much more empowered and in control once you cut the toxic out your life.
Can you get some homeless accommodation with the council just now even until you can get a private let? [/quote]
Yes, really!

I left home when I was 16 following an abusive childhood and was NC with my mother for most of my adult life.
Managing three/four jobs whilst in the sixth year wasn't exactly a picnic, nor was a phase of sofa surfing when I first moved to London, but hell would have to have frozen over before I'd even contemplated asking for her assistance, let alone moving back in with her.
We all make choices.

@OhWhyNot

I haven’t gone nc with my mum through guilt and I worry about her

And when ds was young she had a really good relationship with him

But that is breaking down now and I can see the negativity towards him

It will be a relief when my mum dies

I feel the same way. I do as much as I can for my mum with a smile on my face. Partly through obligation and fear but also because I feeI I owe her for financial and practical help she has given over the years. However she was a horrible parent when I was young and I had a very unhappy childhood. She has a social veneer of kindness and graciousness but she's not a nice person. She's a rigid and controlling bully. She is also a deeply unhappy person. It will be a relief to me and to her when she eventually dies. Personal therapy has helped me come to terms with this.

Distance yourself as much as you can OP. Get your degree and build a new life. Do not feel responsible for your mum and her woes.

Bit of a side note, but if he applied for loans and car finance in your name, report this to your bank in the form of complaint. There should've been checks in place to prevent this from happening. They may well reimburse you if you can prove the accounts were opened by him without your knowledge or authority.

Can I just say that most of your relatives will know exactly what your mum is like, and know how she treats you. You’re right that they enable her, because while she’s being vile to you, she’s not spewing her venom at them. People like your mother constantly have to victimize others in order to feel powerful. (Like how vampires have to drink blood to survive... 🧛🏻‍♂️) Because you were a kid when all this started, you originally believed the hype, that your mother lived you - because mothers are supposed to, and she probably told you that she was “Only doing this because she loved you and knew what was best for you, blah, blah, cruel venom/psychological torture/physical abuse/food fuckery)”. It wasn’t about you at all, though, and nothing about her is loving. In fact any acts of generosity come with strings that cut like razor wire.
I think the sooner you and your DD disappear from your mother’s life, the better. If you are still in contact with other relatives, they will try and guilt-trip you into getting back into contact with your mum. You will of course feel like you are the worst daughter ever. You will probably hear about “Medical Emergencies” like trips to the A&E for “suspected” heart attacks. Don’t buy into it. Just go and live your life.

Go no contact bitches like these never change best thing I ever did was nc with sister and aunt who brought me up.

She sounds horrific and good grounds for going NC. When I read about mothers like that I feel so sorry for my friend who has always been a lovely mother but her daughter dropped her from her life when she no longer needed her for baby sitting and such.

I had a mum just like yours. I cut her off a year ago after trying to gain the courage for years and it was the best thing I ever done. I’m sorry for what you had to go though. Please cut ties for your own well being. She isn’t good for you, you wouldn’t keep her in your life if she were a partner or friend so don’t feel you have to just because she gave birth to you. Speak to a professional if you think it may help, you may have some ptsd as have I due to my childhood. Best wishes