To absolutely hate my mum.

[Hidingshhhh]

NC for this.

I have realised recently that I absolutely detest her. She makes my blood boil.

I had a shit childhood, emotionally abusive mum constantly commenting about my weight, acne etc resulting in an ED which has left me suffering with osteoarthritis age 22. My father hit me so hard I wet myself when I was younger, and I wanted to go to the police and made those intentions clear which I was guilt tripped into keeping quiet. So I did.

I met a man in 2018 who abused me financially and physically, he took loans out in my name and car finance which left me in the shit. My mum volunteered to help me out once and lent me £300 which I paid back within a month. She lent me the money to clear a debt he’d taken out in my name last year which I’m paying back monthly. Throughout my DV she has never asked how I am or anything.
I had a blacked eye over the summer and received text messages telling me how “good my makeup was” and that I’d drew it on.

She is a grade A shit stirrer and only sees herself as the victim of my DV. She’s not arsed about me in the slightest, she’s contacted all my family to inform them how “evil” I am, and I’m unsure why.

She calls me names and constantly tries to goad me and start some form of argument and I hate it so much. I’ve had to move back home with her after I fled in 2019 which isn’t ideal but college really helps. Every single day results in shouting and screaming. She tells me I’ve let him abuse me, she wants to sit and speak to him to get his side of the story and that my nana hates him but only because of the money my mums borrowed me not for the beating.

I fucking hate this woman with every fibre of my being and I don’t know if I’m allowed to think bad things about her cos she helped me out.

After having abusive family troubles of my own for many years the best thing I've learned is that it's not healthy to excuse people's bad behaviour just because they can be helpful when it suits them.

I can totally relate to feeling guilty for thinking badly of someone because they may have been nice sometimes, but it really doesn't give them the right to hurt you, nor oblige you to stick around.

OP can you get in contact with women’s aid? They don’t just deal with abusive men/partners, my mums friend was in a refuge because of the abuse she was receiving from her own daughter. She now has a lovely little flat and got loads of support from them. Best of luck to you

Try to focus on building a safe support network through friends (apps like bumble have a great friend function if you struggle to meet people). Make your environment safe and comforting so you rely less on her for comfort.

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced, my mother was abusive too and it's so difficult to come to terms with and move away from but I promise you will feel better for it if you can manage.

None of the abuse you've experienced is your fault. You were vulnerable and faultless and those who abused you used it against you. You have done nothing wrong.

Can you reach out to get mental health support? Waiting lists at the moment are long but some counselling or therapy may help you come to terms with what's happened.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a brave mum, and she'll be so proud that you've come through such horrors with qualifications, a degree and a kind heart. You will be okay in time

I do have amazing friends, I’m very lucky in that sense. And I’m on the waiting list for CBT but it’s soooo long which is understandable so I don’t mind the wait really. If it becomes unbearable I will scrimp and save to fund it myself.

Thank you, my daughter is a diamond and I’ll make sure she takes no shit lol

As people say on he relationships board quite often, the only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none.

I think its quite likely that the only reason you feel feelings of obligation or confusion towards your mother are because she has trained you to believe this from a young age, and undermined you. The feeling of obligation may run deep in you, but it does not mean it is right. It is confusing because as a child, you were repeatedly told that what was obviously wrong, such as letting your father get away with his abuse, or accepting your mothers bullying nasty treatment, was actually right. It would be confusing for anybody.

The way your mother has treated you is not love, and you owe her nothing. Nothing at all. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

You have shown amazing strength in doing a college course and getting a uni place. And for so much more that you have achieved. You are an incredible example to your daughter, and you are absolutely right to want to make a life for yourself away from this dreadful woman (and from her 'fellow travellers' if her relatives tend up taking her side). I wish you all the luck in the world.

Keep your eyes on your future op. That's the most important thing.
One day I would make plans to go NC with her and never look back.
Can you trust her with your DD when you're not around?
I dont blame you for hating her. You can overcome much of this through therapy. CBT can be really good.
Wishing you all the best.

For myself I keep a distance from my mum. She has always tried to be involved with my friends and then comes the snide remarks and playing the victim

The less I have to do with her the better and this last year has made that much easier

I can’t go nc I hope you find the strength to if it’s right for you if not just distance yourself

I used to confide in her as I wanted her to be a mum to take my side and want the best for me but in her twisted way she doesn’t unless it suits her. I now keep my life to myself and just tell her what I think she needs to know And that’s very little

I'm really sorry you've had the misery of an abusive mother and understand the hatred. The best gift you'll ever give yourself is going no contact with this woman. I realise this seems difficult/impossible, but it's no different to breaking an addiction. Really hard, but possible. You owe her fuck all. My parents terrorised me too, I'm of the view they get sick kicks from this behaviour, have zero empathy and are entirely self serving.

Since going NC with my abusive mother I've -
Kicked a 27 year opioid addiction
Same for alcohol
Sought help for lifelong poor MH
The NC has only brought positives to my life is what I'm trying to say.

Would you consider talking it over with a BACP or UKCP registered therapist Hiding. They should be able to help you put some emotional distance between your mother and you. Your emotional wellbeing will improve no end.

I don’t think my nana is an angel either.
She practically brought me up. She knows how my dad (her son) and my mum were with me. Yet still chooses to speak to her. She makes a big thing about how I can’t stress her out with speaking to her about anything so I keep my mouth shut. Yet my mum can confide in her. She told me when I move she will buy nursery furniture for DD, to which I said I was grateful but I don’t want to accept something so large, she made it extremely clear that she wasn’t doing it for me - her tone was horrific and when I said some things don’t need to be said she replied “well I said it.”

I feel very sad tonight and I don’t know why. It really is just me and DD.

@GeidiPrimes you are amazing xxxx

I really hope you get that law degree and an amazing career!! Good luck to you!!

God this sounds exactly like my mum OP!!!!!

I don’t have anything to do with my mum. Will never have anything to do with her either, won’t even go to her funeral, haven’t spoken to her in nearly 10 years and hope to never come in contact with her again. Best thing I ever did.

I had a shit childhood full of verbal/physical abuse, severe neglect, starvation and a mother who preferred men, drink and drugs over looking after her kids. I do have a lovely step mum that I refer to as mum now as she deserves the title.

Please get rid of that toxic woman out of your life, you don’t need her.

She knows how my dad (her son) and my mum were with me. Yet still chooses to speak to her.
You knew how your mother was with you - you chose to move back in with her?

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay again, I had absolutely nowhere else to go.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay really?
Op explained she had nowhere to go with her child after escaping abuse. It's so much more complicated than black and white thinking.
Op you are amazing and you will feel so much more empowered and in control once you cut the toxic out your life.
Can you get some homeless accommodation with the council just now even until you can get a private let?

@Hidingshhhh
If you start a thread (or ask for this one to be moved over) on the Relationship board you will get lots of support and advice.
You are NOT a bad person, you do not and did nothing to "deserve" being abused!
You can make a better life for you and your daughter, you are already on the way, going to college, uni place... You can do it love!

We are just waiting for suitable temporary accommodation x

Thank you everyone. You’re all so strong. I’ve blocked the remaining family I have on everything. I blocked my grandmother which has absolutely broken my heart but I can’t deal with this any more. They all enable my mum.

Ironic thing is literally no family members on her side speak to her except her cousin who says hi in the street/supermarket. She has nieces and nephews who have NC with her. The only family who crowd around her are my dads side.

They can’t force me to let them see DD can they?

Some lightheartedness for a very sad and meh thread.

DD is in my bed tonight as I she needed some bed hugs, I’ve just had a little hand slapped across my head And heard “mummy put duggee on”

Kids

Darling, your story could be mine. (Except I left the DV situation before I had kids, luckily.). I'm married to a lovely man, and have kids who are safe. You need to keep your DD away from your mum. Far away. As soon as she develops ideas and opinions of her own, your Mum will start on her, I promise. Your daughter is safe only as long as she is malleable.
Now, you... YOU...! Are a bloody miracle! Getting into LAW! Well done! Of course you will stick to it! You've done so bloody well! I'm so proud of you!!! You will disappear from that life and explode into a new one and make YOURSELF PROUD!!!

It's totally fine to hate your mother. Honest.

It's hard to truly believe it when you first look at it, because so many people don't understand it. But I promise you, it is quite alright to hate your mother. People who tell you that it isn't probably have very loving and supportive parents, and simply do not understand what you have been through.

Massive hugs op. I had a horrifically abusive mother. Emotionally abusive. For me that was worse, because no one could see those scars. She had so much power over me. I couldn't even make a single decision for myself without her approval. Even as an adult, I was so trapped by what she did. Until I got saved. Saved by my dh.
It took 10 years of absolute unconditional love from him to finally open up about what happened although he could see things when I was around her. He helped me get the right help, therapy etc. Today I would say, I have control over my life. Her words, opinions and anything that she's about doesn't affect me anymore. Today I pity her. She missed out on the amazing person I am. I won't allow her to ever be apart of that. She is absolutely desperate to be in my life. It's too late for me. I'm LC with her because I have other family members that I am close to. And being NC means that it would be difficult for ME to have some people and not her together in some situations. LC is for my benefit not hers.
Op you will only heal from all of this with therapy. I tried for a very long time doing it on my own BUT I needed help. X

I don’t have much advice OP other than to say you need to get away from her. Contact womans aid or other charities who might be able to help you with housing and keep trying. At some stage I think counselling/cbt might be beneficial. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. 💐

It’s interesting that DV comes alongside EA by mums in a lot of cases, it’s eye opening