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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DM hung up on me - WIBU and, if so, what about?

79 replies

user1471592953 · 01/03/2021 12:41

Have I/we been unreasonable in any way on this? All parties are in England.

DM is in her late seventies, has lived alone for a really long time and likes things her way. We haven’t seen her since before the November lockdown and Christmas plans were cancelled when we were supposed to see her.

She emailed me last week to suggest ‘a few days away’ with her and my family once lockdown ends. Discussed with DH and agreed we’d like to - all good.

Rang her on Saturday to say exactly that and asked when she thought would be best, suggesting July after schools break up. She said perhaps August would be better, to which I said that it would need to be during the last two weeks in August because we had booked flights (last October, full ability to cancel) to visit DH’s relatives for the first three weeks. We haven’t seen them since last August and can’t visit for a weekend or similar because they’re too far away. We do usually go to visit DH’s family for a long period once a year.

In response, she started crying and said she had hoped to spend some time with us this year (to which I said what about late August or late July or potentially earlier), she didn’t know what to say and that it was always the same. She then hung up.

DH and I are struggling to understand what we did wrong. We wanted to go away and said so, offering three possible weeks for the few days away to happen in. What should we have done here? (We haven’t thought about this year’s flight booking much because it’s not clear we’ll be going at all.)

Back story is that every few years or so she reacts badly to some thing or other I’ve apparently done against her and then sends me a horrible email to say how ungrateful, rude and unpleasant I am, or words to that effect. I haven’t had anything else yet.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 01/03/2021 12:43

You haven't done anything wrong.

Cactusowl · 01/03/2021 12:46

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. Your mum does however seem upset that she isn’t the priority as you have already booked a trip to see your DHs family - that’s very much your mums issue and not something you have done wrong.

Sahm101 · 01/03/2021 12:46

She did that to leave you feeling exactly like you are. You didn't jump high enough to when she wants to go. She will now use your pre-planned trip to see dh relative to make you feel guilty. She sounds manipulative.

Creioz · 01/03/2021 12:46

You haven't done anything wrong and did what other people would do, offer alternatives. If for some reason she doesn't want to do the alternative dates that's on her and I'd ignore any nasty emails she sends your way.

Sleepingdogs12 · 01/03/2021 12:49

You haven't done anything wrong and it sounds like she is generally tricky. I guess she just reacted when you said you have already a trip booked to your inlaws that you need to work around. If you always go for along trip there I assume she gets jealous of this? But you've been reasonable and she's being a drama lama. Ignore it and wait for her to come back with a plan. Is she trying to fit around lots of others too?

kooked · 01/03/2021 12:50

You haven't done anything wrong.
Potentially, I think she might be upset at not being your first choice or her perceived view of her maybe being second best to your in laws?

user1471592953 · 01/03/2021 12:52

@Sleepingdogs12 - no, there is no one else to fit around.

Thank you, everyone. I’m reassured. I’ve got this gnawing anxiety and it’s really on my mind. DH has reassured me we haven’t done anything wrong. I’m used to being the one who has to make things better in this sort of situation. It’s only in the last ten years, since DH came on the scene, that I’ve realised that she isn’t always reasonable.

OP posts:
UserAgain · 01/03/2021 12:53

You've done 1 or more of these wrong

  1. already planned to see your in-laws before planning to see her
  2. planned to spend longer with your in-laws that you will with her
  3. Not agreed to see her at the precise time that she wants, even if she hasn't communicated what that is, and even if you've offered perfectly good alternatives

At least, one of those would be the reason that my mother would react the way yours has, but on the basis you think it would be nice to go away for a few days with her, perhaps these are not the case, and she's just sad and upset due to lockdown?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/03/2021 12:57

Reminds me of the time my mother said she wasn't coming to my wedding as she was "busy with friends" that day.
Do what I do just shrug it off or the drama will finish you off otherwise.

user1471592953 · 01/03/2021 12:57

She isn’t second best and in normal times we usually see her every few months. I don’t enjoy time with her hugely because I find her tricky, as someone said, and am a bit weary due to the historic issues I alluded to. Last time I did respond to her nasty email in a way that she wouldn’t have expected (I am very much over being called ungrateful and disrespectful and made that clear). We do have limited time to see the ILs over a long duration due to primary aged children.

OP posts:
nonetcurtains · 01/03/2021 12:58

Can you 'get in first' and send her an email telling her how you've been left feeling, and ask why she was so rude by hanging up on you?

It may give her pause for thought. Get her to explain what the problem was.

ktp100 · 01/03/2021 12:59

She's conveniently forgetting the fact you'd booked flights last October to see DHs family because it doesn't fit her 'poor me' narrative.

I'd let her stew in it. You've done nothing wrong and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty at all.

Does she have a general tendency towards emotional blackmail/guilting others into getting what she wants?

Sauvignonblanket · 01/03/2021 13:04

Maybe she was hoping to see you sooner and it sounds like you're too busy to have time for her? Could you fit in a weekend trip before July?

MintyCedric · 01/03/2021 13:05

Sounds like my mum...thank your lucky stars it's only once every few years she gets like that.

You've done nothing wrong, but like mine, she won't change now so it's just a case of trying to manage your reactions to her behaviour.

SmudgeButt · 01/03/2021 13:08

Sometimes talking to your mother is like talking to your cat. no matter what you won't get it right.

But at least with my cat I usually have an intelligent conversation....but that's just me perhaps.

MuddleMoo · 01/03/2021 13:09

You've done nothing wrong but maybe she expects you to be super keen to see her as soon as you can and is upset you already have something booked in with the inlaws. I'm not sure why she couldn't be more flexible with the dates though. I expect she is really missing you all but it doesn't make you wrong.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 01/03/2021 13:10

I'd guess she views this as you prioritising your husband's family and not considering/valuing her.

She had to propose the meet up with you. However, you had already proposed and booked flights with your in-laws. That's the difference.

You made the effort for them but not for her. In contrast, she has had to do the running to arrange time with you and your kids (not the other way around). That's why her feelings are hurt.

HyacynthBucket · 01/03/2021 13:18

She may be difficult anyway, but perhaps right now living alone through the lockdown year she is feeling really lonely and this has skewed her thinking somewhat? It has affected everyone's mental health in one way or another. You have not done anything U but maybe she just needs a bit more slack than usual in response to her.

Bluetrews25 · 01/03/2021 13:18

Do you really want to go on holiday with her as opposed to the idealised imaginary version of her that you are wanting her to be?

You'd have to pay me to go on holiday with a manipulator like that. A lot.

If she can't / won't accept your timescale (due to her non-existant busy full time job) then that's your cue to say, ok, we'll leave it then.

Harpydragon · 01/03/2021 13:20

My mum has a tendency to take offense and hang up on me. It's taken a long time but I have come to realise it's not actually me, but whatever else going on in get life that she's pissed off with. I used to call her back, demand to know what the hell was wrong, apologise for the perceived fault and it just got worse and worse. I finally had enough and next time she did it, refused to call her back. It took her 2 weeks, she eventually called me back and was right as rain! It made me realise it was all a ploy for attention and I have refused to play that game ever since.

gamerchick · 01/03/2021 13:22

She's took the hump because you organised shit with the in-laws before you did her. It doesn't matter if you've offered to see her first or not. You haven't done anything wrong other than tying yourself in Knott's because you haven't pleased her. That's very common when you're in FOG. Just ignore any emails or communication and let her get over herself.

jollygoose · 01/03/2021 13:22

you havent done anything wrong at all but perhaps her disappointment overwhelmed her. I dont know if you are her only dd but she must be longing to see you and her gc.

Disressingtimes · 01/03/2021 13:23

@Cactusowl

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. Your mum does however seem upset that she isn’t the priority as you have already booked a trip to see your DHs family - that’s very much your mums issue and not something you have done wrong.
^this.
Snowymcsnowsony · 01/03/2021 13:28

Maybe use Covid to reavalue your relationship.. You aren't a dc. You can make your own plans without discussing /getting her approval.. She needs to be aware your world doesn't turn around her... Leave her to sweat. At the week end send her a list of available week ends. Suggest she lets you know when to pencil her in soon as you don't intend sitting waiting for her to decide when you may have other plans to make also.

TheLeadbetterLife · 01/03/2021 13:32

My Nanna used to be like this. Very self-absorbed and loved to sulk over some perceived slight or other. Dramatically flouncing out of a phone call was her speciality.

She'll never change and you'll never get it right, because she's not being rational. You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into. Don't lose sleep over it.

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