DM hung up on me - WIBU and, if so, what about?

[user1471592953]

Have I/we been unreasonable in any way on this? All parties are in England.

DM is in her late seventies, has lived alone for a really long time and likes things her way. We haven’t seen her since before the November lockdown and Christmas plans were cancelled when we were supposed to see her.

She emailed me last week to suggest ‘a few days away’ with her and my family once lockdown ends. Discussed with DH and agreed we’d like to - all good.

Rang her on Saturday to say exactly that and asked when she thought would be best, suggesting July after schools break up. She said perhaps August would be better, to which I said that it would need to be during the last two weeks in August because we had booked flights (last October, full ability to cancel) to visit DH’s relatives for the first three weeks. We haven’t seen them since last August and can’t visit for a weekend or similar because they’re too far away. We do usually go to visit DH’s family for a long period once a year.

In response, she started crying and said she had hoped to spend some time with us this year (to which I said what about late August or late July or potentially earlier), she didn’t know what to say and that it was always the same. She then hung up.

DH and I are struggling to understand what we did wrong. We wanted to go away and said so, offering three possible weeks for the few days away to happen in. What should we have done here? (We haven’t thought about this year’s flight booking much because it’s not clear we’ll be going at all.)

Back story is that every few years or so she reacts badly to some thing or other I’ve apparently done against her and then sends me a horrible email to say how ungrateful, rude and unpleasant I am, or words to that effect. I haven’t had anything else yet.

I would just move on with what you're doing. Don't give her any more headspace than you already have.
Let her stew.
If she contacts you, by all means say to her that her last phone call to you was unacceptable and if she behaves like that again, it'll be even longer before you make contact with her.
You've said that she's done this before, more importantly since you got together with your DH. She may be feeling that your DH has taken you away (nonsense but she may be feeling this way) and that is her issue to resolve, not yours.
I also think that because you mentioned you have already planned to take some time to visit his family, she may feel that she isn't as important to you, which again, is her issue to resolve.
She might be struggling to accept that you're an adult with children of your own and the dynamic of Parent/Child or Adult/Child has become one of Adult/Adult and this doesn't sit well with her. Once again, it's her issue to resolve, not yours.
You could have offered to spend every week with her once you mentioned about spending the time with your in-laws but I don't think it would have made the slightest bit of difference. I'd say she is aware of your anxiety and quite enjoys being the focus of your attention, even when she isn't in the room.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself by replying to her email and it probably gave her a bit of a wake up call about how she treats you.
Leave her be and don't make contact with her for the time being.

I think everyone is being a bit hard on your mum. Ok so she didn’t handle that call well, but she’s clearly upset and lonely, having been isolated for a long time. She’s probably upset that it seems to her like you’re making all these nice very time consuming plans with in laws and haven’t taken any initiative to arrange see her, so she feels absolutely neglected and sorry for herself. Not without reason - it’s been so tough. It’s the sort of thing that just needs a nice nicey conversation to smooth out. Don’t take it personally.

I think she just had a plan in her head about how she thought it would go and now you have other plans than the weeks she was thinking it's upset her. It's not your fault snd I'm sure once she gets her head round it it's all ok

Just wondering...is there any particular reason your DM wanted to see you when she suggested? Any significant anniversaries, etc that she wished support for?

Rang her on Saturday ... suggesting July after schools break up. She said perhaps August would be better, to which I said that it would need to be during the last two weeks in August because we had booked flights (last October) to visit DH’s relatives for the first three weeks

She's crying because you and DH booked a holiday in the first 3 weeks of August to see his folks. You offered the first 2 weeks or any time in July but that wasn't good enough.

Ye Gods.
Give her tantrum no more headspace OP.

I would have thought she would have rung to apologise for hanging up on you by now.

That’s so emotionally manipulative, with respect she is acting like a spoilt child who just wants her own way at any cost.

Leave it till she contacts you, then firmly reiterate your possible time-frame for going away with her, and leave the ball in her court. Nobody needs to put up with this shit. She needs to understand that emotional blackmail doesn’t work and only harms her in the end.

I would also ask for an apology for being hung up on when she does get in touch. How disrespectful! I bet she wouldn’t treat her friends like that so why you?!

@Shehasadiamondinthesky what happened, did she end up coming?

Sounds like jealousy. Don't engage or cajole her.

When I had barely left home(17) my dm visited my flat. My bf's dps turned up... Dm flounced home. Our relationship never recovered from her petty childish behaviour.. You are too old to be treated with such behaviour op..

Thanks, everyone. In an attempt to respond to some points made...

Yes, I’m an only. I think she is annoyed that we booked a holiday with ILs, but we did so last October. We hadn’t thought more about it. (It would be a bit weird to cancel and offer her those dates too.) She hasn’t rung me to apologise and I’d be really surprised if she did. I had thought about emailing her to say that her response had been over the top and upset me, so I thought it was better not to go - but that may pour fuel on the fire. For the moment, at least, I’m still aiming to get resolution rather than end the whole relationship. How it works out will probably depend on what she does next. To be honest, I’m not that keen on going away with her anymore because it will be blighted by the thought that the approach to summer holidays ‘is always the same’ and she resents my ILs (who are lovely). We were keen on seeing her but I’m not now! I did also say that we’d potentially see her before July, but she ignored that.

@rainyskylight

I think everyone is being a bit hard on your mum. Ok so she didn’t handle that call well, but she’s clearly upset and lonely, having been isolated for a long time. She’s probably upset that it seems to her like you’re making all these nice very time consuming plans with in laws and haven’t taken any initiative to arrange see her, so she feels absolutely neglected and sorry for herself. Not without reason - it’s been so tough. It’s the sort of thing that just needs a nice nicey conversation to smooth out. Don’t take it personally.

The OP's mum has precedent for behaving this way so this is not anything new. I don't think it's being hard on the OP's mum what we're saying about her. Let the mother offer the olive branch here. And be away with you and your 'nice nicey conversation to smooth out'. It's up to the OP's mum to grow up and be an adult and realise that the lives of her grown up children don't revolve around her!

@MrsBotibolsCruise - I also struggle with the fact that she seems to reserve her behaviour for me. It really grinds me down. Someone else asked if she had form for being manipulative - I’d say that she doesn’t except with me.

@jollygoose

you haven`t done anything wrong at all but perhaps her disappointment overwhelmed her. I don`t know if you are her only dd but she must be longing to see you and her gc.

This. You've done nothing at all wrong, but the last year has hit those living on their own very hard. Cut her some slack, she's only human and longs to have something to look forward to. Get some dates in her diary and then she has more certainty they will take place.

You offered her July but she didn't want it. What is she doing in July that is so important that August would be better?

If she'd been OK with July the subject of the visit to your ILs wouldn't have come up, so is she prioritising her own plans and expecting you to do the same? Then getting upset?

Unless she can give you a very good reason for not going in July (beyond 'August would be better') then leave her to it.

Sorry, missed this one - no, there is no particular occasion that she is hoping to celebrate.

" I’ve got this gnawing anxiety and it’s really on my mind. DH has reassured me we haven’t done anything wrong. I’m used to being the one who has to make things better in this sort of situation. It’s only in the last ten years, since DH came on the scene, that I’ve realised that she isn’t always reasonable."

That to me is the real issue. Not her behaviour (which is definitely unreasonable) but the gnawing anxiety it produces in you.

Because she trained you since youth to ask 'how high?' when she told you to jump. Because you're not asking that any more, she punishes you with her tears and her tantrums. And the training is holding enough to make you feel anxious at her reaction. And - to ask here if you were being unreasonable.

It's good that you don't jump to her commands, and that you realise she "isn't always reasonable" and "manipulative". It's very good that "Last time I did respond to her nasty email in a way that she wouldn’t have expected". The final stage, not allowing her to make you feel anxious, is where you are now. Just keep reminding yourself she's being unreasonable, keep listening to your DH reassure you you've done nothing wrong, and even keep coming here - blow off some steam anonymously, it can help.

OP I have one of those mothers.Over the years its her way or no way,Her idea for a get together is ok but it happens on her terms or not,Our plans must be altered as they do not matter to her one iota.She sulks.I used to jump through hoops to keep the peace and try to plan my life around whatever she may come up with next.I was ridiculous with it.Pre planning in my head and you know what for? nothing.Whatever you do will never be good enough cos she has to be iin charge and hold it over your head like the sword of damacles.Shes your mother how dare you not say how high when she kindly suggests you jump?,It doesnt happen now I refuse to engage in her games but until I did I had no life,A recent example for you here,,,a relative had stained her carpet,Total accident could have happened to anyone absolutely no fuss no drama,total every day occurance,She rings me to tell me,You would think its the end of the world.I will drop my carpet cleaner off at the door for you to use I say.Typical that she replies you do nothing for me and slams the phone down,Now reasonably what more could i have done? I offered to drive over drop the carpet cleaner off and it would have been no bother for her.She borrows this machine alot so is familiar with it and uses it with ease,but no not this time she wanted me to go in clean the carpet on her terms right there and then.I do not play these games anymore at one time i would have done but no,So 3 weeks later shes still moaning on about her poor carpet,Its getting her down it looks awfuls he needs a new one,,ugh enough,I say goodbye carlmy end the call and ring a carpet cleaning company,Mr carpet man turns up does job charges 25 quid I already paid and now she has nothing to moan at so shes back to being ok if not a tad surprised and delighted at her new clean carpet cos that man did a better job than me or my cleaner could have done.They will sulk and manipulate given any opportunity,I pull the rug out now and my life is better for it! A 3 week drama cos she couldnt get her own way, I refused to engage until i had heard enough then shut it down on my terms. It is terribly distructive behaviour and causes immense mental health issues if left unchecked.Refuse to engage,Do not ring and give her the audience she feels entitled to have,You did nothing wrong at all,suggested reasonable alternatives but she didnt like that,That is her problem not yours,Grown ups with respectful relationships do not behave in such a way,It took me 30 odd years to realise this with a lot of therapy and a lot of money to figure out.Next week week when shes bored it will start with a call to old reliable subject matter as to how fat I am and how much weight i should loose for summer....happens every year,I will not take heed and then she will be forced to come up with something else...I will take no notice of whatever that may be either!!!!

I would email her with the dates you are available and not make any reference to the crying on the call.
That way the ball is in her court and she has the information to hand. Otherwise I would suspect she'll book for dates you aren't available to make some sort of point. She might do that anyway, but if you've emailed her she can hardly complain about it.

You haven't done anything wrong and I would have no time for such tantrums at this point.

I would message her and be very straight with her. Tell her hanging up on you was out of order, you haven't done anything wrong, and that if she wants to see you this summer, then she needs to act like a grown up and pick from the weeks (plural!) that you've offered her. You will of course not be altering travel arrangements you made last autumn BEFORE the current lockdowns were brought into play.

It’s very telling that she only behaves like this with you OP. In no way inferring that it’s your fault, this can only be because:

a) she thinks it’s a good way to make you do what she wants (if you jump when she clicks her fingers, she’ll keep doing it because it works) and/or

b) there are no consequences to her behaviour

It’s an extremely emotionally insecure way to behave and the only way you can remedy it is by putting boundaries in place. Draw the line very clearly, and be open with her that you expect to be treated with respect as a fellow adult. It will take a while but once she sees manipulation doesn’t work, she should stop doing it. If she doesn’t then only you can decide whether it’s worth maintaining the relationship.

[quote user1471592953]@MrsBotibolsCruise - I also struggle with the fact that she seems to reserve her behaviour for me. It really grinds me down. Someone else asked if she had form for being manipulative - I’d say that she doesn’t except with me.[/quote]
This reminds me of my own DM, OP. Now in her early 80s.

8 years ago i got hung-up-on by her when youngest DC was 9 days old. Our relationship is not a warm fuzzy one and i'm no spring chicken anymore. I've seen her for what she is for years. Everything is mostly very polite and the hanging up was a first. I've not forgotten it and it was that long ago so i don't blame you for brooding about this!

I mean what reasonable parent does this immature shite to their daughters?

There’s no excuse for this kind of behaviour, it’s so toxic. Fair enough it’s often the sign of an unhappy mind and an inability to hold
down functional relationships, but when used selectively, ie against a child, that suggests there must be some degree of control.

If I treated my colleagues like that I’d fully except to be sacked. My friends, I’d expect them to get fed up and drift away. Basically anyone else in my life who has no obligation to be in it - I’d expect to be given short shrift. No daughter (or son) should put up with this garbage through family obligation.

Just wondering if she rejected the first dates you gave her out of habit, to show she's more important than you?

Seriously, I'd self-preserve here and not phone and definitely not go on holiday with her.

It's so upsetting when your DM does stuff like this. My DM has form for booking holidays without asking and throwing a strop and calling me ungrateful if we then can't go. There's loads of similarly unreasonable stuff she's done. She doesn't apologise, and tries to treat me like an extension of herself. She is fine if I do what she wants, not that she tells me what she wants, so I'm always walking on eggshells. Past disagreements never get dealt with properly, so we're all awkwardly polite and try to avoid triggers, which leaves few things to talk about.

Maybe try and look at it another way. You only get so much time off a year. Do you really want to spend it with someone who tries to manipulate you and has you feeling anxious, and worried about what is going to upset her next. Value yourself and do what you want to do with your time.