DM hung up on me - WIBU and, if so, what about?

[user1471592953]

Have I/we been unreasonable in any way on this? All parties are in England.

DM is in her late seventies, has lived alone for a really long time and likes things her way. We haven’t seen her since before the November lockdown and Christmas plans were cancelled when we were supposed to see her.

She emailed me last week to suggest ‘a few days away’ with her and my family once lockdown ends. Discussed with DH and agreed we’d like to - all good.

Rang her on Saturday to say exactly that and asked when she thought would be best, suggesting July after schools break up. She said perhaps August would be better, to which I said that it would need to be during the last two weeks in August because we had booked flights (last October, full ability to cancel) to visit DH’s relatives for the first three weeks. We haven’t seen them since last August and can’t visit for a weekend or similar because they’re too far away. We do usually go to visit DH’s family for a long period once a year.

In response, she started crying and said she had hoped to spend some time with us this year (to which I said what about late August or late July or potentially earlier), she didn’t know what to say and that it was always the same. She then hung up.

DH and I are struggling to understand what we did wrong. We wanted to go away and said so, offering three possible weeks for the few days away to happen in. What should we have done here? (We haven’t thought about this year’s flight booking much because it’s not clear we’ll be going at all.)

Back story is that every few years or so she reacts badly to some thing or other I’ve apparently done against her and then sends me a horrible email to say how ungrateful, rude and unpleasant I am, or words to that effect. I haven’t had anything else yet.

@Bluetrews25

Just wondering if she rejected the first dates you gave her out of habit, to show she's more important than you?

Seriously, I'd self-preserve here and not phone and definitely not go on holiday with her.

I'd definitely block out the dates I'd already suggested and she refused.

So I'd be unavailable to her from end of school in July and the whole of August. Because I knew she wasn't happy with those dates, so thought it best to make my arrangements then, leaving dates she hadn't vetoed free.

Well that's how I'd describe it if she asked. Truthfully, I just wouldn't want to spend any time with her.

@Bluetrews25 is right though. Don't phone her. Don't holiday with her. Don't reward her behaviour.

Don't phone her. Don't holiday with her. Don't reward her behaviour.

Come on. This is a woman in her late 70s who's been isolated for a year. Show some compassion.

My dm has missed out on almost 20 years of my adult life with her childish behaviour... It is draining op...

Sounds like mine. Such a joy! I have pulled back massively and we’re it not for wider family who I do actually like living near her, I’d probably ignore her.

Try not to be upset, you did nothing wrong. Let her make the next approach and if she doesn’t, she’ll soon realise who is missing out-it is t you!

If you weren’t an only child then l would think you were my sister! My mum wants things done her way and if they aren’t then she loses her shit. Cue shouting, swearing, hanging up the phone etc. I no longer respond to it -my younger self was more amenable and would try to smooth things over. I have no realised l shouldn’t have to

@HollowTalk

Don't phone her. Don't holiday with her. Don't reward her behaviour.

Come on. This is a woman in her late 70s who's been isolated for a year. Show some compassion.

That's not the full picture though, is it Hollowtalk?

This is a woman who has behaved like this for DECADES. Read the OP's posts -

• It’s only in the last ten years, since DH came on the scene, that I’ve realised that she isn’t always reasonable.

• Back story is that every few years or so she reacts badly to some thing or other I’ve apparently done against her and then sends me a horrible email to say how ungrateful, rude and unpleasant I am, or words to that effect.

• I also struggle with the fact that she seems to reserve her behaviour for me. It really grinds me down. Someone else asked if she had form for being manipulative - I’d say that she doesn’t except with me.

Personally, I've never come across a nasty person in their seventies who wasn't a nasty person in their thirties. Being in your seventies doesn't give you a bye. Global pandemic doesn't give you a bye. And making your daughter feel a gnawing anxiety sure as hell doesn't give you a bye.

Sounds a complete nightmare, my mum was like this, the whole world had to revolve around her, we have been NC for many years, no regrets, nothing would make me hang up on my adult DS’s ever.

Does she drink by any chance OP?
Mine has always been a bit like that, but decades of alcohol abuse and associated alcohol related brain damage mean she's getting worse year on year.
She has big gaps in her short and long term memory and basic comprehension, and tends to invent things to "fill in".
In your scenario, she'd have heard the bit about already having a holiday in August, instantly forgotten and in her head it's become "we had an arrangement in August and now you are saying you don't want to do it".
She remembers the August bit, but not how it slotted in the conversation, if that makes sense, so just makes something up to explain it.
I am currently 3 weeks into an indeterminate punishment of not being spoken to, for driving to her house to check she was OK after her phone was engaged for 9 hours, with the added offence of sending her flowers for her birthday.
I'm relishing the radio silence to be honest and have no intention of poking the wasps nest by contacting her.

My mums the same, suffers from anxiety and now I can’t voice my true opinions around her as then I have always done something wrong. It’s awful and ruined our relationship. She’s so easy to offend and then stalks me (you didn’t reply to this message within 1 day etc) you love other people more than me. It’s Exhausting and makes me resent her. It’s always about her.

Maybe look up the drama triangle, I now try not to engage in it and most of the time it works

Just wanted to say you’ve done nothing wrong. I recognise this behaviour I had it with my own mum. She always expected to be put first and thought of first, regularly accusing me of treating her as an afterthought. Her behaviour intensified after I had DC, expecting me to be available to her at times she knew I was busy with DC. Our final run in was because the was deliberately trying to set something up at a time she KNEW would be inconvenient for me, I stood my ground, she went off in a sulk, I left her to it.

It’s horrible knowing there are so many of us that have manipulative parents like this.

OP, unless there is a massive backstory you seem to be very harsh on your DM. She lives alone, has not seen you (an only child) since November and didn't see you at Christmas. She then suggests a little holiday in the summer and is told this has to fit round your plans to see your in-laws ( plural) . She may have reacted badly on the phone ( maybe she has form), but I think maybe a little bit more understanding of her situation is needed,

@Weedsnseeds1 - no, it isn’t alcohol-related.

Thanks very much for your comments. A lot have really struck a chord with me and some have given me a lump in my throat. I’ve been struck by the number of PPs who have mothers with similar characters and recognised the unreasonable behaviour far earlier than I did. I am also struck by the number of PPs who don’t and know it isn’t normal behaviour.

I may not make this particular point the hill I want to die on but I’m tiring of the behaviour and am conscious that if I do nothing or give in then it will just happen again - it chips away. I feel like the relationship is on borrowed time because I’m in my late forties and just don’t want to have to deal with this sort of behaviour and its impact on me anymore.

However, she is in her seventies and we are in a pandemic. Equally, there are examples of terrible behaviour that I suspect should have caused me to reduce contact to the bare minimum if not less a long time ago. It is difficult to manage because it is only me who can do so and I’m fed up with the weight of doing it.

@littlemissdirectional - I do understand her situation and know she will have been looking forward to it. But I don’t understand why I have to put up with her sobbing and hanging up on me when the situation I presented was factual and wasn’t designed to avoid her or prevent us going away with her. We were saying we wanted to but there was a constraint on timings. Surely the normal reaction is to say okay, let’s fix an alternative.

To be clear, it is the reaction and guilt it induces in me that I find difficult to accept.

You weren’t being unreasonable. My mother does this every few months. I’ll say something totally innocuous and she’ll take it the wrong way and sulk and ignore me until she tells me how horrible I am. It’s very tiresome and stressful.

I obviously don't know you, your DM or anything about your relationship. It just struck me that whilst not great behaviour from your DM, maybe she was just overcome. She's been alone, thought the light was at the end of the tunnel and all she heard was "can't, we are going to see the in-laws" and she's reacted accordingly. I could be totally wrong, only you know what she is normally like. It just struck me that if you normally have a good relationship, it would be a shame if this couldn't be worked out,

@littlemissdirectional - completely hear you, but she could have heard that we were offering three weeks to see her for a few days (which is what she asked for) and she chose not to. I would say our relationship is usually superficial to hide the strain.

I have taken on board all the comments from PPs who said or implied that I have been unreasonable and I do understand that she’s been alone a long time. I’m just struggling with the hanging up.

Good news it isn't alcohol related, as it only gets worse, I'm afraid.
You haven't done anything wrong, she's just guilt tripping you. Unfortunately it works, as we'd all like to have a reality where our mothers gave a slight shit about their offspring, rather than making everything about them.
Mine refuses to engage with modern technology, so I get hand written missives (obnoxiously rude and unkind was the theme of the last one) rather than emails. Obviously she doesn't own a mobile phone either, only land line.
Whatever you do, don't include white hyacinths in any bouquet you may send her, if you don't want high drama on the phone, followed by written confirmation of what a bitch you are

I have a mother like yours and mine throws her toys out of the pram when things do not go her way, she can change plans at a moment's notice but she will sulk of I do.
Anyway I personally would contact your mum (for your sake not hers)
I would explain that it she really needs to see you all in those particular 3 weeks then you could ask the in-laws if they minded her popping over for a few days, if/when she says it's not possible cut her off with yes you are right as we need quality time not shared time then leave it up to her, if she says yes to the trip day you will have to ask the in-laws then say they suggest she doesn't go.
Our just ignore her until she contacts you.

Op. There is a fantastic book that’s helped me so much with my immature parents.
It’s called Adult children of emotionally immature parents. It’s was life changing for me to finally understand their behaviour and why I used to react the way I did.

I have much better boundaries now.

I think you're missing the point that she had to contact you whereas the visit to the in-laws is set up and ready to go.

Had you contacted her to invite her to spend some time with you and your children then the conversation likely wouldn't have ended in hurt feelings.

As it was, she's done the running here, you've not considered her.

You're not living alone in a lockdown situation like she is but I'm sure you can imagine how lonely and desperate it can be and how this can play havoc with mental health.

If she is as dreadful as you're painting her here, then why would you feel anxiety and guilt? Or are you just looking for absolution and for this to be a case of villain and victim with you as the wholly wronged party? This is rarely the reality of any situation.

Why not try to find a bit of empathy for her situation? As a mother, imagine being separated from your children for months on end. I'd be devastated at anyone sobbing on the other end of the phone, never mind my own mother.

Sounds like my Mum. Feels that her wants are to be accommodated exactly when she wants, regardless of anyone else, and behaves like a petulant toddler when she doesn’t get 100% her way all the time.

"We haven’t seen her since before the November lockdown and Christmas plans were cancelled when we were supposed to see her."

Bit shit of you to have not even made an effort for a distanced meeting for your 70 year old mother in 4 months..

My mother has tantrums too. She really can't stand not getting her own way. Se likes to make plans at the last minute and expects everyone to fall in with them.

I've had to learn to not engage. If the plan with the other grandparents has been tickets to a pantomime - booked months in advance then there is no way she gets to disrupt them and insist on a visit that same day. There's very much a theme of her getting other people involved so I come across as the bad guy. I try to let everyone know the truth but I feel embarrassed about revealing how petty she is being and I don't feel believed..

I’m used to being the one who has to make things better in this sort of situation

If you're doing anything wrong, it's this. Stop trying to make things better. Let her do it.

I cant believe anyone thinks you're unreasonable