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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by this comment?

76 replies

fingerlickinbadness · 01/03/2021 09:59

I'm 28, one daughter who is 7 years old and am single through choice. I have had relationships since I was 16 and they've all consisted of arguments and left me heartbroken and hurt trying to pick up the pieces. I like being single, I feel empowered being independent, I feel proud of the life I have with my daughter and my home is my sanctuary that I don't want to share with anyone other than my daughter. I realise I may not always feel like this but for now, I do.

My best friend has a husband, two children and is very family orientated - which is great because that's what makes her happy. However, she will always say comments such as, 'I know you enjoy being single but when will you start dating again?' 'I know you're happy being single but don't you miss sex?' 'I couldn't live alone like you, I would be miserable and so lonely'. etc. So I've always gotten the feeling she feels a bit sorry for me and thinks I'm putting on some act pretending I'm okay with being single.

Anyways yesterday we were at the park with the kids and she was talking about how her aunt has met someone at 60, and I said that's great! My friend replied, 'yeah I'm so relieved for her, I mean what a miserable way to live your life, single most of your days'. Confused

I instantly felt offended, not just for me but for every other single person, as if the fact she has a partner makes her life not automatically not miserable - and let's just say she has been at my house in tears over the past five years 100 times more than she's ever seen me crying.

AIBU to be offended by this comment or am I being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
AtSwimTwoBerts · 01/03/2021 10:02

Why would you be offended? She is saying that she would find it miserable, and a lot of people would feel that way too. It's not anything to do with you and your life.
Is she offended when you say how great you think it is to be single?

Also, if you're that offended, it suggests you're not quite as secure in your choices as you say. If you were, you wouldn't be so bothered.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2021 10:05

YANBU. She’s got issues. It’s sad for her she can’t imagine being happy in circumstances different from the one she’s chosen.

Have you told her how unhelpful and unnecessary her constant digs are?

“Susan, you keep making comments about me being single and seem to be suggesting I’m lying about being happy with my life. I’m not. Please stop going on about it as you’re annoying me”. Be less civil if she doesn’t cut it out. If she really won’t stop, I’d spend less time with her because she might be a bit of a dick.

Shoxfordian · 01/03/2021 10:06

It sounds like your friend thinks there’s only one way to be happy and that’s her way by being married and having children. She doesn’t really believe you when you tell her you’re happy being single because she would never be happy if she was single. I would find this really annoying that she doesn’t believe you and wants to pity you.

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/03/2021 10:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

YANBU. She’s got issues. It’s sad for her she can’t imagine being happy in circumstances different from the one she’s chosen.

Have you told her how unhelpful and unnecessary her constant digs are?

“Susan, you keep making comments about me being single and seem to be suggesting I’m lying about being happy with my life. I’m not. Please stop going on about it as you’re annoying me”. Be less civil if she doesn’t cut it out. If she really won’t stop, I’d spend less time with her because she might be a bit of a dick.

This, absolutely.

She's a bit of a dick.

ScoobyCat · 01/03/2021 10:08

No you aren’t being unreasonable- I think it’s probably more thoughtlessness rather than nastiness though from your friend - if that makes sense, she is looking at you and your life through her values etc.

Are you comfortable saying to her that you are very happy as you are and you don’t want her to assume that you are wanting to meet someone /be set up etc ?

VerityWibbleWobble · 01/03/2021 10:09

I'd be offended at that, being part of a couple is not the only way to achieve happiness.

I know many people who have remained single and couples who want to be childless. Having family does not equal happiness.

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 01/03/2021 10:09

YANBU, she sounds like a very weak person.

Original poster
fingerlickinbadness · 01/03/2021 10:11

Relieved to hear I'm not being overly sensitive

OP posts:
AtSwimTwoBerts · 01/03/2021 10:11

She's a dick, she's got issues, she's weak...WTF? She's just your average person who likes being in a couple...like the majority of humans.
Usual AIBU nasty bollocks.

LawnFever · 01/03/2021 10:12

I’d be annoyed too, I think some people are unable to understand that not everyone wants/needs a relationship to be happy & fulfilled in their life.

I would have a really open conversation with her and tell her quite clearly that you’re single through choice, and your life is happy this way.

Tell her that her constant questions over meeting someone/sex etc are just irritating- ask her how would she feel if you constantly questioned her life choices and made assumptions about her happiness?

E.g. god I don’t know how you can cope living with a messy, smelly man, doesn’t it drive you mad? Don’t you miss your freedom and time to do whatever you want whenever you like? Obviously they are silly assumptions but might make her see that her judgy comments are just as unnecessary and untrue.

HugeAckmansWife · 01/03/2021 10:12

I'm normally very Hmm about the "offended" threads but I think I agree with you on this one. I am not single but I don't live with my DP and have no intention of doing so. People constantly assume that at some point we will and that that is the desirable "end goal". If she said "I can't see how I could be happy like that" then fine, but if she says "I can't see how ANYONE could be happy like that" then she is essentially saying that the single life is, by an objective standard, awful and to be avoided. If she's commenting on her OWN ability to enjoy her own company, be self sufficient etc then that's a different thing.

FlyNow · 01/03/2021 10:12

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Why would you be offended? She is saying that she would find it miserable, and a lot of people would feel that way too. It's not anything to do with you and your life. Is she offended when you say how great you think it is to be single?

Also, if you're that offended, it suggests you're not quite as secure in your choices as you say. If you were, you wouldn't be so bothered.

If she said it once as part of a relevant conversation, fair enough. If she says it all the time, then yes it's annoying. Plus you can say it in a way that makes it clear it's your personal opinion for yourself or a specific other person. So for the 60 year friend - "I'm so happy that she has found love, I know she really wanted to meet someone" vs "I'm so relieved, what a miserable way to live otherwise".
DPotter · 01/03/2021 10:12

I have a theory - that married people get 'time off for good behaviour' the more singles they encourage to marry. When they sign the register they sign up to this so it's all legal.

OhCaptain · 01/03/2021 10:13

I don’t know that she meant to offend. Some people, and I’ve noticed it more in women though that’s just personal experience, literally don’t believe there’s a way to be happy without a partner.

I’m married. But I’ve always made it clear that I’m with my husband because I want him. I don’t need him.

My sister has gotten back together with her fucking horrendous ex after her marriage broke down. Because she absolutely can’t be happy alone. She just doesn’t know how to be alone.

She’d say something like that.

DPotter · 01/03/2021 10:16

On a more serious note, next time she says anything, just laugh at her and tell her she's got a very narrow outlook on life and as she talks down about being single, maybe she's a bit jealous.

mainsfed · 01/03/2021 10:16

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Why would you be offended? She is saying that she would find it miserable, and a lot of people would feel that way too. It's not anything to do with you and your life. Is she offended when you say how great you think it is to be single?

Also, if you're that offended, it suggests you're not quite as secure in your choices as you say. If you were, you wouldn't be so bothered.

Of course it's offensive! Don't make this about, OP, she sounds very happy single and you sound threatened by that.
HugeAckmansWife · 01/03/2021 10:17

Atswimtwoberts I don't think it is the "norm" though that everyone likes it and prefers it - I think that we are conditioned to believe that is how you "should" be and so most people get into couples and then many hang on like grim death even though its shit, draining, abusive, or even just boring, unfulfilling, limiting whatever, at least its not single, left on the shelf etc. Of course there are many lovely things about being in a couple with the right person but I think its a lie that coupledom = happier and now that women CAN be independent, many more are starting to choose to be so.

Pinkfreesias · 01/03/2021 10:17

I'm nit surprised you're offended. How bloody patronising of her. You can either tell her politely but firmly to pack in the offensive comments. Or give her some of her own medicine; 'at least i don't need to rely on a man to make me happy' etc etc. Or quietly withdraw from the friendship.

AtSwimTwoBerts · 01/03/2021 10:18

I don't think it is the "norm" though that everyone likes it and prefers it

Humans are hardwired for companionship, so yes, it is very much the norm as a species.

LunaHeather · 01/03/2021 10:19

@AnneLovesGilbert

YANBU. She’s got issues. It’s sad for her she can’t imagine being happy in circumstances different from the one she’s chosen.

Have you told her how unhelpful and unnecessary her constant digs are?

“Susan, you keep making comments about me being single and seem to be suggesting I’m lying about being happy with my life. I’m not. Please stop going on about it as you’re annoying me”. Be less civil if she doesn’t cut it out. If she really won’t stop, I’d spend less time with her because she might be a bit of a dick.

This is a good idea.
Wendyhause · 01/03/2021 10:19

I would not be offended but next time she says something similar would be the best chance to offer "so do you not believe I am very happy and contented without a man in my life" and if she implies you are covering up your longing for a man then just respond with "does it really bother you because it certainly doesn't bother me!"
There is a possibility she suffers a tiny bit of envy now and then when her own family/relationship troubles are making her unhappy and she wishes you could moan the same at her.

AndOffFlewMyLastFuck · 01/03/2021 10:22

I hate it when people try to 'fix' me or offer unwanted advice
I'd tell her to leave it out, it's not what you want and it's annoying you now
This is her issue to deal with, not yours

Lockandtees · 01/03/2021 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

VerityWibbleWobble · 01/03/2021 10:24

@HugeAckmansWife

Atswimtwoberts I don't think it is the "norm" though that everyone likes it and prefers it - I think that we are conditioned to believe that is how you "should" be and so most people get into couples and then many hang on like grim death even though its shit, draining, abusive, or even just boring, unfulfilling, limiting whatever, at least its not single, left on the shelf etc. Of course there are many lovely things about being in a couple with the right person but I think its a lie that coupledom = happier and now that women CAN be independent, many more are starting to choose to be so.
Exactly, I got married young the first time because I thought that's what we did. After divorce I realised I was quite happy by myself and other people's expectations that being in a couple was 'the goal' we're abandoned.

I am married again now but that's because I want to be and I was single for about 15 years in between by choice.

I would never live with another adult human ever again if anything were to happen to dh, I like my own company and am secure enough to remain single.

Worldwide2 · 01/03/2021 10:24

Her comments would grate on me, she may not intend to upset you but it's happening isn't it?
I think you need to say something to her otherwise you might end up snapping and saying something you regret.
I would always say how much you love your freedom single life ect everytime she tries to put a downer on it.
Sounds like she's projecting her fears tbh. Maybe ask her outright.

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